FAGAT Guide

WTF? Boysroom At a Bookstore? But It Has WINDOWS.

2008-01-04T18:43:00.001-05:00

Djimon Beats Beckham in a Head-to-Head Matchup

2007-12-10T18:38:00.001-05:00

Has anyone ever noticed how explicit the Djimon Hounsou Calvin Klein ads are? You can practically see the veins in his giant black cock (and you can DEFINITELY see that he is circumsized). We almost found it to be a relief to see on Towleroad that the David Beckham Armani underwear ads had the "generic bugle" look going on. Sure, it probably means there's a sock in there along with the Beckham junk, but it's better than imagining what ends up inside Kimora Lee Simmons on a regular basis.

Why You Are Gay: The 'Mr. Owl' Tootsie Roll Pop Commercial

2007-12-04T16:43:00.000-05:00

We know it's been a while since we did one of our Why You Are Gay posts, so we hope you'll bear with us. We were just thinking about that old Tootsie Roll Pop commercial, where a naked boy wanders around asking animals about how to lick a pop. We didn't realize it then, but looking back, it's no wonder we don't know how to give head to someone with a foreskin. ("Get rid of that wrapper, let me just attack that sweet stuff underneath!" (Sorry, British ex-boyfriend)). Click above to watch the commercial. First you've got the turtle with the penis head bobbing up and down, then you've got the owl with the testicle eyes. And finally, you are faced with just a row of slowly melting lollipops, which get more and more cock-like as the ad ends. Oh, yeah, and like we said, the boy in the ad IS NAKED. Genius target advertising for a young demographic with an oral fixation? Or fag propaganda? You decide.

(Also: Any time anyone ever uses teeth on your own little blow pop, now you know who to blame.)

FYI

2007-12-03T12:08:00.001-05:00

Yes, it really has been that long.

And yes, the rooster does have a badonkadonk.

America's Most Cholesterolest Model

2007-12-03T11:39:00.000-05:00

Ok, so Daniel may have been kicked off "America's Most Smartest Model." But he is having success in commercial campaigns! Witness this appearance in People Magazine... In a, um, Hellman's Mayonnaise ad. Go… Daniel.

Earlier: Top Model + Jeopardy =Truly Awe-Inspiring Television

Investigating The Watered Down Version of Ourselves

2007-11-28T17:31:00.000-05:00

A question to readers: Does anyone know who writes the blog "Guest of a Guest"? We were hesitant to ask, because we know the blog is desperately trying to gain notoriety and they are DYING for people to try and figure out who they are. But it is on our RSS feed and we can't help but notice that a) the authors rip off posts from other blogs and make them seem as though they are original, and b) we probably know them. They were gay enough (and Gawker-obsessed enough) to interview Kristian Laliberte and not make fun of him. They weirdly name-dropped unknown actress Francesca Cecil (our college classmate) twice. They get invited to the same small parties we do. They're obsessed with/maybe work at New York Magazine. They encourage people to go to the Head of the Charles and Princeton Lawn Parties. We're completely curious in spite of ourselves. Anyway, email us at fagats @ gmail.com if you know. We're bored at the end of the day and we now work in an open office so we safely spend the last hour of work clicking through The Pretty Boys Club.

For The Last Time, Stop Trusting Gay Hookers

2007-11-27T18:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, so we've been watching this whole Big Head DC/Trent Lott/Gay Hooker thing unfold, and it's really making us ill. We have no idea who Big Head DC is, but they clearly don't know a thing about gay hookers. Having had to interview a few for work (really), we can tell you that a) ones who have secrets, keep them, and b) ones who don't have secrets will do anything to appear like they do. If you read the correspondence between Big Head and alleged Lott-humper Benjamin Nicholas, Nicholas is clearly playing coy with Big Head. Big Head just falls for it, and what's more, publishes correspondence that he told Nicholas was off the record. Basically, everybody looks stupid and the whole thing is completely boring and predictable. Why have we written two posts about it? Because it was either that or running naked pictures of that hot gay from Project Runway, and we figured you'd like to hear us rant about some boring political non-story than check out a reality star's junk. Right?

There's A Word for This, and It's Not "Hypocrisy"...

2007-11-26T19:21:00.000-05:00

...it's "Ugh." Trent Lott has been accused of using a young gay prostitute in the District. Is anyone else really really tired of this kind of story? It's like that gross "I pooped on Larry Craig's Penis" story. Whether or not it's true, it doesn't do anybody any good, especially if Lott is retiring. Have we become old and crusty that we think that? It's just, if someone's going to be outed as gay, can't it be someone we like? And we can look up to? And who is the appropriate age to be in the closet? And doesn't hate himself? And for the love of god, can't we finally get someone who is hot??

The French Connection: FHC and FrenchBenj in NYC

2007-11-26T18:35:00.000-05:00

Longtime Fagats readers will appreciate the crossover we are about to experience this weekend. Our blog BFF FHC will be in town this weekend to visit, arriving on Thursday night. Also in town will be our blog friend-with-benefits, FrenchBenj. Though the two hail from the same country and have traded barbs online for years now, they have never met in person. And yet, it just might be the case that they will be in the same place at the same time this week. Which raises the obvious questions: Where should this meeting take place (it's Thursday night, so Pop Rocks? Vlada? The corner of Avenue A and 13th Street?)? Who should be present (LL? TAHF? Bigmouth?)? How drunk should everybody be (a little? A lot? French?)? What should we wear?

And most importantly, where should we plan the afterparty?

Bill O'Reilly Thinks Gay Couples Can't Be "Cute"

2007-11-13T18:20:00.000-05:00

We have to say, we normally find it very frustrating to watch guests on "The O'Reilly Factor" talk about gay issues because advocates so easily get flustered and angry, and O'Reilly has a way of preventing them from getting decent points across. But in the above clip, a Northwestern psychologist does very well against O'Reilly, pointing out when he tries to dress his subtle bigotry up as "common sense." We're pretty sure if we went on the show, it would turn into an episode of "Jerry Springer" in a hot second.

Thanks to Andy for the clip.

Casual Gayness Hits the Times

2007-11-13T15:58:00.000-05:00

Did anybody notice, buried within a story about teeth-grinding (which we are embarrassed to say we were profoundly interested by), this section?

During sleep bruxism, [a doctor] explained, the upper and lower teeth may come into direct contact as much as 40 minutes per hour, and — for example, on the first molar — with a force of about 250 pounds. Hence the football player. Compare that with normal circumstances, when a person’s teeth make contact for about 20 minutes a day, while chewing, and with only 20 to 40 pounds of pressure. Even if I wanted a football player in my bed, I certainly wouldn’t want him standing on my teeth. I became aware of his presence the way that many bruxers do. My then-boyfriend told me I woke him up with a dreadful crunching noise that came from grinding.

Emphasis added. The article is titled "A Lineman in My Bed."

Um… Since when is the Times so casual about its writers being so faggy? It's great! Like, the gayness of the author is an unquestioned premise of the story – like how the gay characters on Desperate Housewives don't have any plotlines related to their sexuality; they're just as normal and demented as everyone else on the show. Now that's what we call progress.

And an excuse to post a picture of a sweaty football player's belly.

Separated at Birth: Lance Bass and Patrick McDonald?

2007-11-09T17:34:00.001-05:00

Behold, the fashion party fixture, and Lance Bass, morphing into one another. This is Lance from the cover of this week's HX Magazine.

Our Goddamn Gay Roommates Are Always Asking Us To Write a Post About Them, So Here Goes.

2007-11-08T17:52:00.001-05:00

So, as you may or may not have heard, Bigmouth has two gay roommates these days. Gone are the days when a heterosexual couple ruled our roost. In their place have arrived two different flavors of fags. One is a burly marathon runner who loves to cook experimental meals. The other is a spritely (ok, Jewy) law student who supplies a lot of witty (ok, cruel) banter around the apartment. We must say, though we miss our previous roommates desperately (especially Fishwatch!), they are truly a delightful pair of people to live with. Except, we've found that everything that's great about them comes with a caveat. Hence, a list:

1) They are both far better dressed than we are... Except they both have short arms and we don't fit into their clothes.

2) They don't have long, feminine locks that get caught on everything, including our clothes… Instead they have short body hair that they are constantly trimming that gets caught in everything, especially drains.

3) They are not nasty about the apartment getting messy… They're just nasty AND messy.

4) They always want to go out and drink…. Yeah, um, blessing and curse.

5) They always have delicious, unhealthy food around the house, yet both remain quite trim… While we do not.

6) They're both huge whores… See #4.

7) They're very chipper and chatty in the mornings… See #4.

8) They are handsome and always on the prowl… So nobody every looks at us in bars any more.

9) They feel comfortable borrowing any and all of our products…. And porn.

10) Other friends now constantly ask us about a cute guys we know on Facebook… which means we will invariably have to deal with other said friends in our bathroom in the morning in the near future.

11) They loll around in their underwear on the furniture all the time… Yeah, and then one day we got scabies from our couch. See #6.

Overall, it's much more of a boon than a burden to live with two cute fags. But, you know, let the buyer beware. Gays are much louder during sex than straights, as it turns out. And it's unlikely your straight guy roommate will ever get up in the morning, hungover, and ask you, "Did I give you a blowjob last night? I have rugburn on my knees."

*Please, don't worry, that's not us in the picture.

A Subtle Fagats Nod in Today's Gawker

2007-11-06T17:28:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well. We KNEW Gawker read our little blog here. In today's rendition of the blog there's a post about "Super Mario Brothers: The Lost Levels," that includes the following quote by editor Alex Pareene:

That's the game that was the "real" sequel to the classic Super Mario Brothers that was never released in the US because it was sadistically difficult and instead we got the weird bullshit American Mario 2 where everyone knew to play as Princess Toadstool even though it was def kinda gay.

Pareene, we know you're not an asscheek motorboater, but have you been reading the Fagat Guide's "Why You Are Gay" posts?

The Ugly Side (and Back, and Balls) Of Gay Drug Abuse

2007-11-05T18:03:00.001-05:00

Um. This is the best blog post ever, passed on to us from our Tall and Handsome Friend. We were just thinking the other day, as we walked past all the weird old men in drag who sometimes hang out at Boysroom during the week, that sometimes New York is the most busted city in the world. But clearly, it has NOTHING on DC. If you think the pic on the left is funny/mysterious, you have to read the rest of the post. There is, as they say, a lot of crack in it, so it's NSFW. Except in the way that will make you forward it on to all of your co-workers immediately.

Crack is Whack [Knee Deep in Mud]

Fred Phelps Loses, Also Wins

2007-11-01T14:26:00.000-04:00

So the father of a dead soldier won nearly $11 million from hatemonger Fred Phelps and his family, after they protested around the funeral of his son. The Phelps family has lately taken to doing such things, as they think the Iraq war is somehow a punishment for American tolerance of homosexuality. We were delighted with the news (we're interested to see whether Phelps have that kind of money, which will surely be revealing about what their real motives in all of this are – plus, they deserved the legal slap), but something Phelps said on the Today show this morning made us uneasy. "We got more and we're getting more appropriate news coverage than anything we've ever done," he said, adding that he was delighted by the verdict. How do you fight against someone whose main goal is to make you want to fight? You can't, but hopefully by tying their financial strings, we're making progress.

Halloween Isn't Always For Being A Whore - Sometimes It's For Being An Object Of Ridicule

2007-10-31T18:31:00.000-04:00

So there's this eager intern in our office who asked the intern manager the other day if our workplace is one where people get dressed up for Halloween. The intern manager, knowing that this is exactly the opposite of that kind of place, said "…..sure."

Today we came into the office to find said intern decked out head to toe in drag, with a flawless Lucille Bluth costume. There was even a martini on the desk beside his keyboard.

Not a single other person in our open newsroom wore a costume, not even a funny hat.

And you know what? Contrary to what we expected, it kind of made the kid the coolest guy in the office. Nice.

Happy Power Bottom Appreciation Day!

2007-10-30T12:38:00.000-04:00

One of our very favorite Power Bottoms (you know who you are! As do many, many Fagats readers!) forwarded us this blog post. It commemorates a day we should all recognize, honoring a group of gays that we here at Fagats hold very dear to our hearts.

It's the one day of the year that we recognize those power bottoms who continue to astonish us with their mad skillz. This is not to be confused with Bubble Butt Bonanza Day, which occurs on the last Friday of April. In case you've been living under a rock, a power bottom is a man who enthusiastically takes it up the butt. He enjoys it, never winces, is an aggressive participant, and usually begs for more. They are a treasure and must be showered with admiration. Take the poll at the bottom (har, har) to let us know what you enjoy the most. PBs set themselves apart from lazy bottoms (yawn), dirty bottoms (ew), and tops masquerading as bottoms (stop, it hurts).

Oh, Power Bottoms. Where would we be without you? In an uncomfortable position, that's where.

Someone At Details Slept With A Rich Gay Foreigner

2007-10-29T15:16:00.001-04:00

For a long time, Details was our favorite magazine. We have no idea why – the writing is strange and neither relevant nor clever. The pictures of the boys are hot but they were often too fully-clothed. It must be something to do with the heavy, sexy feel of a fashion magazine, combined with the pages and pages of things that would make us look fabulous. Except we will never be rich enough to afford any of them, so that doesn't make sense either. But anyway, Details is finally catching up with every other magazine in the world and releasing some of their content on the web. Such as this story, about gay "sexpats," who are rich heirs who come to the US to live out their sexually free ways among the perverts in this Godforsaken land. "From Oscar Wilde's years in France to Paul Bowles' infamous forays into Morocco to Gore Vidal's legendary Amalfi hideaway, gay men have long gone into exile when their carnal desires clashed with cultural constraints," the mag writes. Oh, yeah. That's why we used to love Details so much. Because it's the most faggoty piece of crap on the newsstand.

Top Model + Jeopardy = Truly Awe Inspiring Television

2007-10-08T10:39:00.001-04:00

We discovered an amazing new show last night. JJ, JS and I were enjoying a lovely dinner when all of a sudden we hear the voice of Ben Stein introducing a new reality show, "America's Most Smartest Model." Yes, that's right.

Fourteen models, (7 men, 7 women) all of whom think they could be the smartest in America, will live together as they compete to determine which of them has what it takes to be dubbed "America's Most Smartest Model" -- The perfect combination of Beauty and Brains.

Wow.

Let's face it, we would still watch the show if it included only 14 women, but the addition of 7 (HOT!) men makes this show a new staple of our Sunday Nights (or any night of the week since apparently it is on everyday). Behold:

I am not as hot when I smile since I have big teeth.

No, these are not photo-shopped in.

Last night the first challenge was a spelling bee (F-E-N-D-I), but the big challenge was the "walk and talk," where the models stood at the start of the runway, were given a category, and then had to list as many things in that category as they could, while SIMULTANEOUSLY doing a runway walk. This is hard stuff. Brett (above, top) was (shockingly) able to list numerous elements from the periodic table. VJ (above, bottom (ha)) thought that Memphis and Seattle were states. (States are hard, y'all!).

The best performance by far was that of Gaston, an Argentinian model who enjoyed sexually harassing the female models (one of whom said she felt "objectified"). His category was "things that smell bad." His list included "armpits, farts, feet, dirty underwear, dirty socks," and, of course, " dirty penis." When asked by Ben Stein if he actually said "dirty penis," he responded, "what, does it not smell bad?" So true, Gaston, so true.

Who farted? What? It wasn't me!

Off camera, Gaston then added, "if they don't like it, they can suck it." Whether he was referring to the dirty penis, his penis, or his dirty penis, we will never know. Sadly, Gaston got the boot.

Okay, We're Just Going To Say It.

2007-10-05T12:22:00.000-04:00

Cody, the groom who we've been watching on the Today Show Wedding Special for weeks, is a HUGE FLAMER.

That's all.

Breaking: People Sometimes Repeatedly Sleep With People Whom They Are Not Interested In Dating!

2007-10-02T13:09:00.000-04:00

In an enlightening expose of the underground world of “Friends With Benefits,” the Times reports that “research, conducted among Michigan State University students, confirmed previous findings that most college students report having had at least one such relationship.” NO WAY!

Also, “in addition to budding romances…the “friends” may also be former lovers who occasionally see each other or they may be people who hang out at the same places and now and then end up wrapped around each other, even though they are not really friends.” OMG! Please stop, this is too too shocking.

Luckily, the study makes no indication of whether the "125 young men and women" surveyed were gay or straight, so for now we are going to assume they are all straight, and that such things NEVER happen in our community...

It's Been So Long That If This Site Wasn't Bookmarked We Would Have Had A Hard Time Finding It...

2007-10-01T13:44:00.000-04:00

Well well well. Fancy seeing us here. We apologize (especially to Bigmouth) for our prolonged absence from the internets. We have no new job, and no other blogs that required our attention. Really, we only have entire seasons of shows on DVD, facebook.com, and the new Fall lineup to blame for our amazing display of laziness. But now that we actually do have craploads to do, we thought we would avoid doing it and once again start commenting on all things gay. To begin our reentry into the blogosphere, we want to recap our cab experience on Saturday, circa 3:22am. The below is not made up.

The scene is 8th Avenue and 52nd Street. FW runs to the street corner and flails arms in hopes of catching a taxi cab, (hopefully one without GPS as FW feels as if he might puke all over it and then feel bad that the cab driver spent all this money out of his own pocket to install it after that whole strike thing did not work out). A cab pulls over and FW enters.

FW: Hi. [Redacted] street and [Redacted] Avenue please.
Cabbie: Excuse me, can I ask you something?
FW (slurring): Sure.
Cabbie: Are you gay?
FW (still slurring): Um…yes.
Cabbie: I thought so. I have all these gay in my cab, and they ask me to take them to the club, but I only know this “Splash” place so I take them there.
FW (stops slurring): Huh. You should stop. That place is terrible.
Cabbie: So where I should take them, man?
FW: Tuesdays, take them to Bowery Bar, Wednesday the Phoenix, Thursday at Pop Rocks, and the weekends at Mr. Blacks or Hells Kitchen bars. Mondays they should take the night off.
Cabbie: Wow, you know all the places!! Here, I have my gay friend on phone, please talk to him. (Hands FW his Bluetooth).
FW (back to slurring): Um…hello?
Friend: Hey dude. You gay?
FW: Um…yes.
Friend: You going to Splash tonight?
FW: Not so much. It’s 3:30am.
Friend: Well I’m getting ready to go, man. You should come, man!
FW: Great. Have fun. (Hands Bluetooth back to Cabbie).
FW (to Cabbie): You’re not going to Splash?
Cabbie: No way man! I like pussy!
FW (holding back puke): Riiiiight. Have fun. Mwah mwah!

And to think we almost gave up taxis recently...

CGI Cock Shots - Film's New "Locker Room Shower"

2007-09-21T17:30:00.000-04:00

So, we couldn't help but have our interest piqued by this Towleroad post about the upcoming CGI Beowulf film, in which writer Roger Avary discusses how he feels about showing a cartoonized Ray Winstone fighting monsters in only his (magnificent) birthday suit:

"When I wrote it, I envisaged the character of Den in the Heavy Metal comic. Den was a character by Richard Corben, who was easily one of my favorite artists. [Den] was this muscular guy with a gigantic schlong. He would always go into battle and beat the hell out of people, totally in the buff. He never wore clothes. That kind of stuck with me. I love it when somebody takes something like a fight — or really any event — and twists it to the point where you're naked doing it. Also, there was a proud tradition of berserkers going into battle naked. It just shows how fearless you are. I don't know about you, but if someone came at me, like, 'Aaaaargh!' naked, I'd be, 'Whoa!' Had we done it [like] Richard Corben's Den, the MPAA would have had huge, huge problems. As it is, I think the movie is going to have to achieve a more tempered rating. I don't think that we're going to be [seeing] Beowulf's gigantic, you know, baby's-arm-holding-an-apple-sized schlong onscreen. However, because this is performance-capture, it's not inconceivable that, at some point down the road, they simply re-render, widen-out shots, move things out of the way and put together a hard-R or NC-17 version of the movie."

We just went to the movie's website to see their adult only trailer (you have to put in your birthdate to see it), which features a CGI Angelina Jolie in the buff, but only a split second of Winstone's ass. Is it pathetic that, while this isn't a movie we'd normally see (it doesn't seem to bear much relation to the "Beowulf" we read in freshman Lit), the addition of a giant cartoon penis would probably make us rent the DVD?

Someone's Finally Hitting Hard on Post Homophobia

2007-09-19T10:44:00.000-04:00

We've been really appreciating Jeff Bercovici's coverage of the New York Post's homophobia lately. And today he really drives the point home: practically no gays work there. Read his column today to hear all about the Post's institutionalized prejudice. Also, admire his pic - while not gay, he certainly is dreamy....

The Cock's Liquor License Under Review! Crotch Grabbing in East Village Threatened!

2007-09-17T18:06:00.001-04:00

Just so everyone knows, the Cock's liquor license is up for review this week. They've had complaints so it may not be an easy pass (we totally wish we knew what the complaints were! "Men drinking on the sidewalk…Men smoking on the sidewalk…Men too loud on the sidewalk…Men blocking the sidewalk…Men fucking on the sidewalk…). It makes us think back to the first time we went there, during our first summer in New York. It was back when it was the Hole and the basement was used for sex and drugs (well, we saw sex, but as for drugs, back then we didn't know what to look for). At one point a giant muscleman with a shaved head and a ten-pack walked up to us and grabbed our crotch. We were so scared/confused/drunk/slightly turned on that we nearly passed out. Thankfully, we didn't stay at the bar long – and we don't go there often these days. We've begun to start seeing people we know every time we go, and that's never good. Now, for the best "ugly people getting blowjobs" viewing, we know to go to Boysroom.

Well, hello.

2007-09-12T18:26:00.000-04:00

So in order to explain why the hell we haven't been writing, we thought we'd give you a little insight into our daily life. See, we got this new job lately. Instead of actual newspaper reporting, we now write a blog. Which is so taxing that by the end of the day, we're not as eager to write on our personal blog. But we will keep trying. Anyway, because we write a blog, we start work from home, and then go into the office around noon. That means that when we begin typing away, our first gay roommate is making coffee and getting ready for work. After a little bit, our second gay roommate gets up and drinks the rest of the coffee, and tries to distract us from our work. This is sort of a fun way to start the day, but also a bit taxing since both first gay roommate AND second gay roommate are huge whores and there's always some sort of drama/man in the apartment in the morning. To our knowledge, first gay roommate and second gay roommate have yet to hook up.

The upside of all of this gayness is that we've started having more dinner parties. The downside of it is that none of us are actually stylish gays, so the apartment isn't any nicer. Anyway, now the main question seems to be when to have our first underwear party. Will it be too chilly in October?

Tastelessness - Now, With Taste!

2007-09-05T18:34:00.001-04:00

Wow, it's been a while since we've had an offensive joke from a (former) co-worker. Here goes:

Why is Michael Jackson like caviar?

They both come on little white crackers.

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Larry Craig?

2007-08-29T17:44:00.000-04:00

Our dear friend Bates (a.k.a. "Golden Delicious") sent us over this link today, because we got a new gay roommate (more on that later), bringing our apartment 'motal up to three:

Maybe Craig can buy "gay offsets"

By now you've most likely heard of Idaho Senator Larry Craig's [alleged] dalliance in a men's airport bathroom. The pundits have been out in force with the hypocrisy charges, and rightly so considering Craig's past stances and actions. But considering how often liberals react when conservatives question people like Al Gore and other "greens" about their own hypocrisy, I'm wondering when we'll hear these same libs wondering about "why shoot the messenger" and saying "but isn't the real issue ..." regarding the Craig incident.

Perhaps Craig can be like many Hollywood dopes (and Al Gore) but instead of purchasing carbon offsets he can buy gay offsets to "reduce his gay footprint" (or, more accurately, his "wide stance").

Goldy's suggestion to us was, "Maybe you guys could sell gay offsets to Republicans on the side?" Not a bad idea!

They've Really Put Their Finger In It. Um, On It.

2007-08-27T18:07:00.000-04:00

Now, to be clear, we love Gayz of Our Lives, but we have to say – these clips that they've captured (hilariously) pretty much encapsulates why we are terrified of going to Fire Island.

If Anyone Saw Us On Friday, That Wasn't Us.

2007-08-27T17:53:00.000-04:00

After many weekends out of the city, we were finally able to get out and debauch ourselves over the past couple of days in New York. It all started on Friday night when we took our tall and handsome friend to a US Open party at Ono, where we hoped to ogle Andy Roddick. We waited almost two hours before he did come, and by that time we had helped ourselves prodigiously to the open bar (which served us poorly later). Eventually it got so awfully straight (men in bronzer, women with their asses hanging out) that we had to leave. Our next stop was the birthday party of the glamorous Eric S., who was at Therapy with Dylan P. and Charlie H. There, we ran into Martha Stewart's cute gay nephew who we knew in college. After that, we went to some roof party that some twink was hosting in Hell's Kitchen. Just as we arrived, they ran out of booze, so we went with TAHF to buy two 18 packs of Natural Light to share with everyone (well, one was for everyone, the other was just for us). When we returned, we were delighted to see Lance L., Michael S., and Rocco who we love but whose last name we don't know. And finally, after a night of leading us on, FHC himself arrived from DC, looking extremely tan and gorgeous. Unfortunately the twink who was hosting the party had a panic attack and kicked everyone off the roof before we had finished even one case of Natty Lights, so in a huff TAHF and some of the rest of us stuffed our pockets with beer and skulked out, wandering around in Hell's Kitchen with open containers until we arrived at the Ritz. There, we continued to drink our own shitty beers and dance to music of the lowest caliber, surrounded by people of the highest. Sadly, we were unfit to be seen in public and eventually realized this, and stumbled to a cab.

Whereupon we lost our cell for the first time in our lives and spend the next hour pleading with a cabbie over the phone to return it. We woke up phoneless, with a crippling hangover – but by the end of the day the cabby had returned our phone and we were ready to go out again, this time in Harlem. It was a great reminder of how fun it can be when you stay in town and get off your ass. Happy Birthday Eric!

PS...

2007-08-22T18:24:00.000-04:00

...wait, what?

Why You Are Gay: "Quantum Leap" and "Remington Steele"

2007-08-22T18:04:00.001-04:00

When you were little, you probably mostly watched kid television – like "Full House," "Blossom," or "Eureka's Castle." But we're guessing there were a few adult shows that, for whatever reason, you began to follow. For us, those were "Remington Steele," and "Quantum Leap." They were good action shows, with strong plots and not a lot of season-long arc. You could get a great time out of watching just one episode here and there, and not have to worry about following some drawn-out "X-Files" like storyline (we know, we know, "X-Files" is part of why you're gay, too, we'll get to that).

But as you grew older, watching re-runs of "Remington Steele" and "Quantum Leap" became a different experience. You stopped hoping for the part where Scott Bakula zapped himself into another wacky life, and started wishing there were more episodes where he was an Olympic diver. Instead of enjoying the G-rated flirting on "Remington Steele," you wondered why the hell Pierce Brosnan didn't just fuck Stephanie Zimbalist already. So you could watch.

The shows may have gone off the air before you realized you were gay. But every time you see Scott Bakula in an ABC Family Original Movie, we're betting it takes you back some. To a day when, admit it, you thought chest hair was a little bit okay. Kind of nice, even. You know, to nestle your face in. Or taste. Or whatever.

Is This Really M4M, or M4Husband?

2007-08-17T17:26:00.000-04:00

So we were forwarded (we swear) the following Craigslist posting, which we really, really love. We'll let it speak for itself:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4m/398119975.html

Hung Stud Seeking Smart, GL, Wall St. ex-Athlete or College Athlete - 22

Reply to: pers-398119975@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-15, 10:09PM EDT

vgl, masc, smart, hung, very good shape top college guy working on Wall St. looking for a masc, ivy league (minus columbia and cornell) or other comparable college grad who was an athlete (lax, squash, tennis, hockey, alpine skiing, crew, sailing are best) AND is still in great shape, working at a top banking firm (front office only please), Corp Law, or consulting. into WASPY prep school types who are into squash, golf, skiing, art and maybe even knows what a jib halyard is. being well endowed would be icing on the cake. younger than 35 please unless you are exceptional.

Linkage... The Daily Show Is 'Motastic

2007-08-15T18:18:00.000-04:00

So we can't seem to get this video onto our site, but check out their Gay debate coverage here!

Man, this whole getting-a-life-and-a-job-thing is really doing a number on us. We liked it better when we just futzed around at work all day and Googlefought our ex-boyfriends!

Don't Cry For Us Fagat Readers, The Truth Is We Never Left You

2007-08-13T23:02:00.000-04:00

Hey all – we’re so sorry for not posting last week. We blame it on a combination of getting a new job, having a boyfriend, and not wanting to do anything because it’s August. In other words, it’s not you, it’s us.

We Really Thought Our People Would Go For John Edwards, Because Of The Flippy Hair.

2007-08-07T18:14:00.000-04:00

Did anyone else see this story in Newsweek about Hillary and the gays? You should read it. It's not news that the leading Democratic candidates (who favor abolishing Don't Ask, Don't Tell and support civil partnerships) don't support marriage equality and aren't vocal enough about our rights. But we're glad somebody vocalized something we've been feeling a long time: We kind of love Hillary. For no good reason. Maybe it's because she's mom-like, maybe it's because she's almost a powerful black woman, or maybe it's just because she pops her collars – for whatever reason, it's there. God, we're so fucking predictable.

We Have Never Once, In The Eight Years We've Been Going, Heard A Gay Discuss Politics At Beige. Is That Sad?

2007-08-06T19:39:00.000-04:00

Our old pal Jamie Kirchick just had an essay in the Boston Globe about being persecuted by his fellow gays because he’s a Republican. You should read the essay, because it’s an interesting point of view. Something that annoys us about New York is that everyone automatically assumes that everyone in a discussion (especially among gays) is liberal. That’s close-minded, and not terribly dissimilar from assuming that everyone around you is heterosexual, or Christian, or rich – if they are not, it can be uncomfortable.

But Kirchick makes the same generalizations about gay liberals that he accuses them of making about Republicans:

“For many gays, liberalism is just as much a visceral, reactionary tendency as it is a positive affirmation of political belief. Many gays I know – especially those from red states – blame conservatism writ large as the villain that repressed them for so many years. Thus, their homosexuality dictates their political views on everything. For these gays, it is just as much a part of the "coming out" process to be a loud liberal as a proud homosexual.”

That’s a blanket statement which discredits the many gay men and women who have extremely nuanced political views. Sure - being gay can heighten one’s attention to politics (it has for us), it doesn’t necessarily make you a reactionary fool. What Jamie is saying is akin to believing that all conservatives who call for immigration reform are inherently racist. Sure, some are – but to generalize in that manner is unfair to the many that aren’t.

We think what Jamie is trying to articulate is the suspicion that some gay people have for some straight conservatives, who they worry might be bigoted deep down. Because homosexuality is so natural for us, it’s hard to understand why someone would object to it logically unless they had some inherent disgust with the concept. But that doesn’t seem to apply to his thesis – which is about liberal gays rejecting conservative gays. Quite frankly, if the person you are dating wants to break up with you because of political concerns – we just think one or the other of you is talking about it way too much.

Plus, the gays all know everybody’s got their own problems in the bedroom. Republicans take too long to finish, and Dems pull out too early. Badda bing!

We Promise, We Do Things That Aren't Heteronormative. Sometimes.

2007-08-05T17:45:00.000-04:00

You're going to begin to think that all we do is attend weddings.

But we promise, this will be our last post about our friends' nuptials for the summer. We just couldn't resist this one, because it was so Fagats worthy. See, on Saturday night we attended the lovely marriage ceremony of a good straight friend from college. It was short and sweet, which we appreciated, and featured only two readings, one of which was from "The Velveteen Rabbit." The other, which we didn't at first couldn't place, began like this:

"Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations...."

Those of you from Massachusetts may recognize these as the opening sentences of the State Supreme Court decision in "Goodridge v. Board of Health." The sentences directly following that quote, which went unsaid at on Saturday night but whose message was loud and clear, are here:

"The question before us is whether, consistent with the Massachusetts Constitution, the Commonwealth may deny the protections, benefits, and obligations conferred by civil marriage to two individuals of the same sex who wish to marry. We conclude that it may not."

The bride and groom are, obviously, not gay, but in addition to liking the eloquent sentiments in the reading, they wanted to give a nod to their gay friends and family members that their version of marriage is one that was all-inclusive. It was, we thought, touching and wise.

As was the moment when the bride had to step in to force the DJ to play Rihanna's "Umbrella." Go Kim!

Perhaps The Baby In Her Belly Is Thinking For Two.

2007-08-02T15:25:00.001-04:00

Queerty points out that today, Elisabeth Hasselbeck vocalized some of her most liberal sentiments to date - about gay marriage, of all things. It's funny that this happened after Radical Rosie stopped beating her up about everything and putting her on the defensive.

We can't wait for the tortured sexual politics that will come into play when Whoopi is on board!

Amen, Sister

2007-07-31T17:13:00.000-04:00

You've probably all seen this clip already - it's Faith Hill going ballistic on a fan after she grabbed the package of Faith's husband, Tim McGraw. We know Faith has gone regrettably nutso before, but in this case, we think she's awesome. Especially when she makes a cupping gesture, to demonstrate specifically what type of ball touching is not allowed.

Well, We Know Somebody’s Got A Gimmick.

2007-07-30T18:55:00.000-04:00

Well, we thought our last Sunday was pretty gay. But this most recent Sunday might have just topped it. Last night we went with our tall and handsome friend to Patti Lupone’s final performance at Encores, as Mama Rose in “Gypsy.”

We expected it to be a mo-heavy audience, but we were not prepared for the gayhem that ensued. There were queens everywhere (including Barbara Walters!), and the line for the men’s room was easily four times the length of that for the ladies’ room.

We loved the show very much, and loved being seen with a handsome date among so many theater trolls. But we were completely blown away by the ending. Not by Patti Lupone’s (admittedly stunning) rendition of “Rose’s Turn,” but by the utter pandemonium that rocked the City Center when it ended. The crowd was on their feet for at least fifteen minutes. Men were screaming and weeping. And then, just when people seemed to be calming down, Patti pulled Steven Sondheim onto the stage.

It was like the apocalypse. We actually fled before the applause ended, for fear of we might never get out. On the way, we overheard Babwa say to her date for the evening, Frank Langhella, “Well, it certainly was a MAWvewous pufowmance.”

Oh, Babs. When you’re right, you’re right.

You Know You Are Gay When You Make Your Dog Try On A Dozen Outfits Every Time You Go To PetCo.

2007-07-27T14:38:00.001-04:00

In 2002, when we left for our senior year of college, we took our family dog, Sophie, with us. She was already a little old lady Shih Tzu, who preferred the company of people over dogs (see picture, with our housemate Derrick). She used to follow us from room to room, wherever we went, and preferred to be carried rather than walking herself. She was a big hit with the college crowd (one time our roommates got her stoned and she rolled around on the carpet with vertigo for an hour) and enjoyed going to parties. We used to imagine that she had the voice and personality of Angela Lansbury, and that as she sat in the corner of a room full of drunken seniors, she’d look around and begin singing, in her head, “Tale as old as time…”

It was with her that we first realized, a gay man with an attitude can take a small dog anywhere, even restaurants and grocery stores.

Sophie died yesterday at the ripe old age of 15. As anybody who has ever had a dog knows, they become a very important part of your life. We have specific childhood memories of explaining to Sophie, and our other dog Ribsy, things that we didn’t feel comfortable discussing with anybody else. It sounds absurd, but sometimes it really helped to get things out – including, as we recall, the fact that we were gay. Our dogs probably knew before anybody else did. (Oh, let’s be honest, they knew ever since that time we made them wear mittens before going out to play in the snow).

Yesterday, our big brother reminded us of an old Will Rogers quote, which we find to be quite true:

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”

We should be so lucky.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Notes.

2007-07-26T14:02:00.000-04:00

It was sixth grade. You were in social studies, getting nervous to get up and talk about your Current Event. You had the newspaper clipping about Clarence Thomas, or the Persian Gulf, spread out on your Formica desktop, with your pens lined up in the long groove along the top. Then, suddenly, as your teacher was writing something on the whiteboard, the girl next to you slipped a folded up piece of lined paper, shaped into a tiny triangle.

You got excited. You looked around and unfolded it. Tiny, swirly handwriting filled the page. A note! From one of your many platonic girlfriends! It may have included Green Day lyrics, or drawings, or nothing meaningful at all. Probably, it cattily analyzed the behavior of another one of your girlfriends, who was caught up in another dating permutation with guy in your small group of friends. Or talked about Ethan Hawke vs. Christian Bale. More than once, it probably contained the following quote from “My So-Called Life”:

"People always say how you should be yourself, like 'yourself' is this definite thing, like a toaster or something. Like you can know what it is, even. But every so often, I'll have like, a moment, when just being myself in my life, right where I am, is like, enough."

You quickly got to work writing your response.

You may have passed only small notes. You may have spent recess time in a corner, avoiding the rope swings and the endless games of Red Rover, scribbling away. It was an effort to get out what you were feeling inside, and a secret way of bonding with your female friends, without getting romantic.

You probably eventually started collecting the notes, in a shoebox or a jar. As the carefully folded pieces of lined book paper began to accumulate, you thought about how fun it would be to read them when you got older, to catch a glimpse into your growing pre-adolescent mind.

Years later, if you did find the notes and read them, you probably did have fun reading them. “Man,” you might have thought. “I was a fag even before ‘White Squall.’”

Beyonce's Hair Is Invincible.

2007-07-25T11:32:00.001-04:00

This clip, borrowed from Perez Hilton, is truly delicious. At about 1:30, Beyonce takes a huge nosedive down a set of stairs. After less than two seconds, she's up again, whipping her hair around to recover.

Maybe she really IS a superhero!

We Woke Up Feeling Satin and Depressed.

2007-07-23T16:17:00.000-04:00

What did you do last night? Hiro perhaps? Did you have a vodka soda in a plastic cup and flirt with a boy in American Apparel undies? Maybe makeout with a summer intern from Dubuque?

Even if you ended up splayed out on the stage of the Hole, acting like a Chinese Penis Trap for two Colt stars, you couldn’t have had a gayer night than we did:

8:00 pm: We started out at a friend’s house, where he made fondue and we watched the digitally re-mastered version of “Liza with a Z.”
9:30 pm: After a lot of Chardonnay, our host decided to play the D.A. Pennebaker documentary about the original cast recording of “Company,” with Stephen Sondheim and Elaine Stritch.
10:00 pm: We attended the closing night of the bar Rose’s Turn. If you’re under 50, that’s the lovable piano bar where decaying queens used to go sing along with the classics. Our co-worker calls it a “wrinkle room.” Gay dad and “SVU: star BD Wong was there, singing along with “Cabaret.”
11:00 pm: We decamped for Marie’s Crisis, the only slightly less tragic piano bar one door down from Rose’s. We were beginning to worry that somebody might see us. Just when we thought it couldn’t be any gayer, we spotted Vogue’s Hamish Bowles in a corner wearing gingham pants. This was topped moments later by Project Runway’s Malan Breton, who got up and sang “Mame.”

Next weekend we were supposed to attend the infamous bi-annual “No Diving” gay toga party out in the Hamptons, but we’re afraid if we go, we’ll spontaneously combust.

Oooh!

2007-07-20T16:27:00.001-04:00

We love it when Anderson Cooper makes inside jokes where nobody is actually on the outside. (We stole this clip from Perez Hilton, watch until Anderson's quiet comment at the end, and Erica's nervous laughter...)

Where Do Homosexuals Get All Their Energy?

2007-07-20T15:52:00.000-04:00

We love this essay from the Onion.

For me, just shopping for a new pair of shoes is exhausting. I try on maybe one or two new pairs, and I'm ready to call it a day. But a homosexual can sit for hours in Barney's tirelessly trying on dozens of pairs, and when he finds the one he wants, why, he's ready to wear those shoes out to a homosexual club and dance all night. What vim!

We've got to start using the word "vim" more frequently.

True Friends Talk About Puke Together.

2007-07-19T09:29:00.000-04:00

Allow us to introduce one of our very best fag hags, who has just started blogging. We met Noelle at a black tie dinner years ago, when Sargent Shriver was making some speech about something, and Eunice Shriver was tottering in a corner looking like Skeletor. The whole event was alcohol free (we were in college!) so we spent it running to the bathroom to do shots, and also talking about our best vomit stories. Ever since then, we have been obviously very close.

We believe our contribution to the conversation that night was the time that we projectile vomited into a mirror as we were drunkenly trying to pop zits (we were in high school!), which was pretty appalling.

Since then by far our best ralphing story was the time Adrian Grenier bought us a margarita at Starlight and then we went home and yuked on our wall (it was last year!).

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Supermarket Sweep

2007-07-18T14:29:00.001-04:00

There were times when you were young when nobody was around, and you were left with the remote. This is when you took control of the TV and unabashedly watched random, slightly effeminate programming, just because you could. Maybe you developed a taste for “The Mary Tyler Moore” show on Nick at Nite (or, let’s be honest, “Rhoda”). Perhaps you just watched soap operas or Talk Soup. You might have even watched “Body by Jake!” (Oh Jake, even your muscles couldn’t catch all those orphaned dreams.)

But we’re betting that every time you came across it, you were riveted by “Supermarket Sweep.”

The show was flawless. You learned about household supplies, you developed a fastidious eagerness for earning small amounts of money, and you got to watch “best friends” dress in matching polo shirts and frolick around a grocery store. You had no idea why, but every time they raced around the supermarket, throwing items in their cards (“Get five turkeys!” “Don’t forget the garden hoses, they’re worth a lot!” “Grab more laundry detergent!” “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GRIND THE COFFEE FASTER YOU LAZY QUEEN!”), you got a warm special feeling inside.

Now, every time you get satisfaction from buying an extraneous set of Oxo measuring spoons or fancy spice tins, you probably understand that feeling better. As a child, they were part of the domestic world that you wanted to join - but were banned from because your parents thought you should spend your afternoons in Little League (even though you reliably hit the tee instead of the ball in Tee Ball). Now, every kitchen accessory that you purchase, and every whole chicken that you roast (better than your mom ever could, thank you very much) is a small victory for creating your own home life exactly the way you want it.

Oh, yeah – and if you’re getting fucked in the ass on the kitchen counter, you really don’t want any shoddy products lying around.

Are We The Last People On Earth To Post This?

2007-07-18T13:53:00.001-04:00

From a REAL dental ad airing in Queens.

If you don't get it, the YouTube title for this clip is "My Wife? My ass."...

So Fucking True.

2007-07-17T15:56:00.000-04:00

From Overheard In New York:

Queer #1: I need to lose some weight for the summer.

Queer #2: When I was in the hospital I lost 10 pounds in three days. What you need is a good trauma to get you started.

--Houston & Sullivan

Have You Ever Noticed That She's The Only Candidate's Spouse Who Actually Looks Like A Mom?

2007-07-17T08:51:00.001-04:00

We're curious what you guys think about this whole Elizabeth Edwards pro-gay marriage thing.

See, we like Elizabeth Edwards. We understand why she and her husband continued with the campaign, we think she's smart, incredibly brave, and surprisingly real. But like it or not, when she decided to go on stumping for her husband in the face of her deadly cancer, she assumed a far more pivotal role than any other candidate spouse (maybe even more than Bill Clinton, who can be excused for having his own opinions because, well, he used to be the most powerful man in the world). Elizabeth can raise as much money as John, she's better at earning headlines, and she has incredible draw as a speaker.

John Edwards has essentially endowed his wife with a co-candidate role. Which is fine, except they're not preaching exactly the same message. Elizabeth is touting marriage equality to the gays, which is sure to draw many to her camp. But that's not what we're going to get if John is elected. I'm not suggesting that gays are too dumb to understand this, but sometimes the positive feelings that are engendered by a touching speech or an inspiring interview is all it takes to earn a vote.

It feels like the Edwards are trying to have it both ways with the gays, who are a high-income, politically active group among the Democrats. In a race between leading Dem candidates with virtually identical positions on marriage equality, there's no way that this won't give Edwards a (false) edge.

We think it's fine for Elizabeth to disagree with John Edwards. But as a co-candidate, to keep emphasizing this point (and to not adequately explain her husband's position) is essentially false advertising.

Are we being naive? Are we underestimating the gays? We're not sure. We just miss the days of Teresa Heinz Kerry. It was so much easier to decide things with the potential of having a drunken drag queen in the office.

Far. She’s Been Traveling Far. Without A Home - But Not Without A Star.

2007-07-13T16:43:00.001-04:00

Amazing. We just got a sneak preview of Victoria Beckham’s one-hour special, “Victoria Beckham, Coming to America.” Rather than moving to Queens and working at McDowells, she moves to LA and sits by the pool.

We wanted to hate her, and sort of did throughout the first few minutes of the show. But after a while, her positive attitude about America and moments of dry humor really won us over. We think the gays will really like her.

Things we learned about Victoria include:

1) She knows how to smile and actually looks cute doing so.
2) She knows that people wonder why the hell she doesn’t smile, yet makes no effort to change (As she walks out of a Coffee Bean, after confronting Perez Hilton at his “office,” she says quietly, “I’m leaving, got to get depressed,” before she changes her expression to her trademark pout for the cameras.
3) She is still touchy about her husband’s infidelity (when an assistant asks whether she will have to do any work for her husband, Victoria stonily asks, “Why, would you like to? Do you find him attractive?”)
4) Her boobs are fake, and they’re spectacular.

We’re totally on team VB. We’re already practicing, per her advice, to make a face like an inflatable sex doll next time we see the paparazzi.

The Worst Part Is, We Haven't!

2007-07-13T11:16:00.000-04:00

Last night we went to our friend Lock’s “Going Away From Gawker” party on the Lower East Side. We were standing with our tall and handsome friend, and one of our best gays, Jesse O., when a prominent New York theater critic came up to us.

“Hey guys,” he said, shaking hands with the group. “Seen ‘Xanadu’ yet?”

Gaycial Profiling! Oh, the shame.

Great Gays Think Alike.

2007-07-12T09:23:00.000-04:00

Our friend David was watching "Murder, She Wrote," the other day, by coincidence, and was musing about how the show made HIM gay. Here, he breaks down the gay cause and effect a little but more clearly:

Here is an independent woman living alone (widowed young apparently)
completely disengaged from any reliance on a man, who lives in a charming
sea side town. She travels, visiting her long list of friends who are
either wealthy, accomplished, attractive or all of the above. She is
famous, in the good way, kind of a like Carrie Bradshaw, just enough name
recognition to make people suck up to you.

Her "example" though that drove you to Sodom town: She is a feisty biatch
who always stands up for the wrongly accused. She beats the arrogant, macho
and dismissive police detectives not with muscle but with smarts. In each
episode's "J'accuse!" scene, she stands up to the murderer fearlessly and
explains how he/she did it, proving once again that this outsider has
everyone's number.

Recap: Female empowerment + rich people + emasculating male members of
authority + champion of the innocent victims of circumstance = you like it
when men sit on your face.

It's so true. We do love it when men sit on our faces!

Not Gay, But Worthy Of Gay Incredulity.

2007-07-11T18:04:00.000-04:00

Oh, HELL NO.

Is It Possible To Be Hard On Gays, But Soft On Cashmere?

2007-07-11T16:49:00.000-04:00

John McCain shows even more how little he understands gays when he accuses the Bill Cosby sweaters that he wears of being faggy, and therefore somehow deep-sixing his campaign.

Hello, John, every gay knows that sweaters are for people with NECKS.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: "Murder, She Wrote."

2007-07-11T11:42:00.000-04:00

Recently, while on a road trip, we were stuck in the backseat of a Honda Accord with our tall and handsome friend. The two girls in the front of the car were asking questions from a box of Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture cards. They ran the gamut from “Punky Brewster” to dancing Yeltsin to “Die Harder,” and we were all pretty much doing equally well. Then came this question:

“In what Maine town does Jessica Fletcher live on ‘Murder, She Wrote’?”

The girls were silent, but us two gays in the back shrieked at the same time, “Cabot Cove!”

There was an awkward pause, after which we hugged TAHF and quietly thanked him for dating us.

“Murder, She Wrote” was “The Golden Girls” for gays who weren’t queer. Many people thought the show was repetitive and obvious (and that Jessica Fletcher was clearly a murderer because wherever she went, people immediately croaked). But we’re betting that you had a weird fascination with the show. You may not have known about Angela Lansbury’s legendary Broadway past, but something about her drew you in. If you were like us, you may have even forced your family to go on the “Murder, She Wrote” “ride” at Universal Studios, instead of the “Jaws” boat. (In that case, we’re betting your older brother also beat you up in the hotel later).

Whatever the case, by the time you got to the age where you were digging up vintage “Mame” recordings and watching old VHS’s of “Bedknobs and Broomsticks,” you were already hooked. How could you have known dear old Angela was a gateway drug that would lead you straight to the cockpipe?

Heterosexuality Never Looked So British.

2007-07-11T11:12:00.000-04:00

Our pal JustJared came across these amazing pics of Posh and Becks in the upcoming issue of W. The scan quality isn’t great, but wow. David Beckham looks like an orgasm in those white briefs.

We used to wonder how they managed to not kill each other in a house together when they both have such annoying voices. Now we realize, we could talk or not talk to David Beckham for hours…

2007-07-10T12:47:00.000-04:00

This is Lance Bass's new boyfriend. We are assuming that someone with that pretty of a face has the conversational skills of a guppy. But even if he does, that puts him several species higher than Lance's ex Reichen on the evolutionary entertainment scale. Go Lance!

ps - something is wrong with blogger and won't let us do titles or post videos. Boo!

2007-07-10T12:20:00.000-04:00

We (Bigmouth and Fishwatch) were at another wedding this weekend. It was between two very close friends of ours, a pair of blond WASPs with hearts of gold and pants of madras. Fishwatch even sang at the ceremony – a song about Jesus christ! In a Church! Don’t tell Vishnu!

It was a beautiful weekend, and the wedding and reception were straight out of Town & Country. Until the couple’s first dance, that is, when they did an entire choreographed routine to “The Promise” by When In Rome (you may recall this scene from Napoleon Dynamite). It was, knowing them, appropriately touching and hilarious.

Sometimes we spend entire wedding ceremonies daydreaming about our own future wedding. Come on – you know you do it to. But during this one, we couldn’t stop thinking about how happy our friends will be, for the rest of their lives.

Congratulations, Will and Bates. We’re couldn’t be more proud.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: The Sound of Music

2007-07-03T23:14:00.000-04:00

Okay, this may be obvious, but think about it. There were a lot of gay movies that your parents encouraged you to watch when you were little: Mary Poppins... The Wizard of Oz... The Wiz... Return to Oz... Howard the Duck... But none stuck like before to your lower colon so much as "The Sound of Music." It got you like Arlene got Garfield.

You knew all of the words to the songs, and you would sing them as you walked around the house - perhaps even bobbing to "Do Re Mi" like the children in the movie, in their new curtain lederhosen. You may have even dreamed of auditioning for one of the young roles in the show at a nearby community theater. You could never get over the bravery of the nuns for hiding Maria and her family. And something about Max Detweiler really spoke to you, but you couldn't put your finger on it.

Why wasn't your family exuberant and musical, you may have pouted. Where was your spunky governess with the voice of an angel? And how on earth did they really pull off that puppet show??

Whatever it was about "The Sound of Music," it changed something within you. Every time you went camping with your family, you imagined you were musically fleeing the Nazis. Every time something bad happened, you sang "My Favorite Things." Every time you passed a gazebo, you imagined you were Liesl, and Rolf was about to take you in his arms.

Yeah, you were okay until that last one. After that, you were gay for good.

It's Bad Enough That Kathy Griffin Is A Re-Run.

2007-07-03T22:10:00.000-04:00

Man, being at home with your parents is boring. Very few gay things happen. Except today, when we were talking with our Dad about our friends back in NYC. He asked about our most recent ex-boyfriend, and we told him about how we ran into him at Beige recently with his replacement bf. We said we were extremely proud to be seen there on the arm of our tall and handsome friend, but refrained from voicing our true opinion of the ex these days.

Our dear, straight, manly dad looked at us.

"Hm," he said, nodding sagely. "He got fat, didn't he."

And to think we were ever afraid to tell this man we were gay.

We're Still Rooting For Lenny And Carl To Finally Make It.

2007-07-02T18:14:00.000-04:00

Simpsons mania has started up already - certain 7-11s across the country have been changed into Kwik-E Marts and are selling collectible Springfield merchandise as an effort to drum up hype for the movie.

The Advocate also has the Simpsons on its cover this week. We were one of the writers that was approached to write the piece a while back, but they ended up going with a different guy(perhaps because we use bizarre constructions like "we were one.")

When you think about it, The Simpsons really did make it okay to laugh about gay people - the right way. The initially homophobic Homer Simpson was basically Archie Bunker, except even more ridiculous (as when he starts performing gay weddings). And remember how cleverly they handled Patty's coming out episode - where her lesbian lover turned out to be a man, and instead of winding up with him, she dumped him because he had a penis?

Care to discuss your favorite gay Simpsons episodes? We'd reminisce, but we're too busy thinking about how we could have been getting a fat paycheck this week...

BREAKING: Old People Not Genetically Required To Be Bigoted.

2007-07-01T23:44:00.000-04:00

FYI - Bigmouth is on vacation this week, so posting might be a little light. Right now, we are sitting at our grandmother's computer (whose internet connection appears to be based upon the "two Dixie Cups and a length of yarn" model), but we wanted to relay a little anecdote:

See, our great uncle (brother to said grandmother) was gay. We never really knew him, but he was very successful and had a partner of nearly 30 years. According to our granny, they were "extremely devoted to each other." For the first time, we got up the nerve today to ask her about him, and what his life was like as a gay man in the forties, fifties and sixties. She said that it was odd - there weren't many people living openly like him and his partner. But if there was any negative reaction, she never heard about it.

"People wouldn't dare say anything to me," she said, "because it was obvious how much I loved them."

We've never been sure about what our older queer relative meant about us being gay, genetically. But in light of what we talked about last week during Pride, this seems particularly relevant.

And meanwhile - to our brother, if you're reading this, you're so not inheriting the Winslow Homer from her. She already gave us her grandmother's wedding china. You may be able to have the great-grandchildren, but we'll always have the taste.

Now No One Ever Has To Sing This Song Again...

2007-06-27T15:46:00.001-04:00

...because no one will ever sing it better than Jennifer Hudson and Jennifer Holliday.

We're glad we got that resolved.

An Offensive Joke We're Going To Pretend Is From A Co-Worker.

2007-06-26T18:09:00.000-04:00

What do gay horses eat?

Ass.

The Triangles And Bald Spots Were The Same Lovely Shade Of Pink.

2007-06-25T09:41:00.000-04:00

This weekend, we missed Gay Pride. (For once "we" actually means "we." Fishwatch and Bigmouth were both in Napa Valley for a wedding). Instead of sitting on someone's roof in the West Village, sipping Pimms Cups and pretending to ignore the gyrating mass below us, we found ourselves seated at the edge of a willow-lined lake in the middle of a tiny vine-covered valley. Instead of sharing a joint with some other guys in polo shirts and flip flops and enjoying the faint feeling of smug superiority, we sat quietly in our suits and watched two straight friends exchange vows.

It made us wonder if we could really do it. Have you ever wondered that? If you could overcome the feeling of strangeness that even we, staunch marriage equality supporters, would feel following those rituals with another man. Would you feel, somehow, ridiculous? Would you feel like imposters? If equal marriage was not yet legalized, but you wanted to wed anyway, would it all feel like a childish farce?

This is really what we sat there thinking. And as we watched our friends get married, we wondered what our own loved ones would think if we had done the same thing. Would they feel strange, too? Would they be turning it over in their minds as they watched us walk down the aisle without the familiar chords of "Here Comes The Bride?"

The next day, we were driving back to the airport in San Francisco, and saw a giant pink triangle that the city had erected on a hill in honor of their own Pride celebration. San Francisco really goes all out for it - not just the gay people. A giant rainbow flag billowed across the front page of the Chronicle, for example, and much of the city was shut down for the march.

It made us remember what happened when we came out to our family years ago. By then our parents were divorced, and we told them separately. But we will never forget that our mother, father, brother and stepmother all said the same thing - that they were proud of us. Ever since then, on Gay Pride, we've kept that in mind. Sometimes having other people take pride in you is almost as important as having pride in yourself.

When we get married, whether it is legal or not, of course it's going to feel strange. It'll take a little extra chutzpah on our part, and on the part of our guests. But even if they feel a little bit weird watching us together in matching suits, exchanging rings, we're pretty sure our loved ones will also feel a little bit proud - that's why we love them.

For last year's slightly more eloquent take on Pride, see here.

Loathsome Dud: Joseph L. Bruno

2007-06-20T09:28:00.000-04:00

From the New York Times yesterday:

The State Assembly might be voting on gay marriage as early as today, but the Senate majority leader, Joseph L. Bruno, said of his chamber, “We’re not doing gay marriage by Thursday; that’s for sure, or this year.” “We’re not going to take a vote; we have too many other issues,” Mr. Bruno, the state’s top Republican, said at a news conference this morning, adding, “We’re not going to spend hours debating an issue that, you know, is not going to be of consequence.”

Um... What? "Too many other issues"? "Not going to be of consequence"?

Hey, Bruno - you realize that this means a significant portion of New York's earning and voting population will be denied basic human rights? Surely even you must understand the bonuses that come along with having a family.

We Can’t Wait To See What Happens On Friday. Maybe Regis Philbin Will Finally Come Out.

2007-06-19T11:09:00.000-04:00

Whew – sorry for the delays in posting. The summer is already taking its toll.

We thought we’d draw your attention to a few hilarious/informative things, in case you missed them. First, check out New York Magazine’s exhaustive essay on the traits and scientific groupings that characterize gay people. Second, make sure you take a minute to examine the genius that is Gay Or Jersey (thanks Gawker). And third, read about what’s going on in the New York State Assembly, which is expected to support the legalization of gay marriage now that Shel Silver will let the issue go before it. It’s likely the issue won’t pass the State Senate, but it’s a big step nonetheless.

Also, on Monday morning, we had breakfast at (a mostly empty) Morandi, and who sat down a few tables away, but Jake Gyllenhaal and Jamie Lee Curtis! Amazing.

Wow – queer science, LGBT politics, hunky celebrities and fag jokes at other people’s expense – all by Tuesday morning. Gayest week ever!

Honestly, Who Wouldn't Be Proud If Their Son Could Do This?

2007-06-14T12:04:00.001-04:00

All credit goes to nymag.com's Vulture blog for unearthing this clip from "Britain's Got Talent."

We'd be embarrassed that we teared up at the office before noon when we watched this, but we did shots before we left the house this morning - so we're a little bit past feeling judged.

Enjoy, and happy Thursday!

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Pound Puppies.

2007-06-13T12:19:00.000-04:00

Allow us to get a little personal here. When we were very little, we had a brown, spotted Pound Puppy. He was our favorite toy, and though we eventually got many more stuffed animals, he was always the most important. Since we could put words together, we’ve always wanted to be a writer, and some of our very first stories were about him and his adventures. His name was Pudding.

We had a Pound Puppy-themed birthday party one year, and our love for Pudding eventually led us to browbeat our parents into getting us a real puppy from the pound – who turned out to be the best little yellow dog a boy could ask for (in fact, he was so cute that we actually did kick him once. And you thought that was just an expression).

We’re guessing that you had a similar experience with Pound Puppies – or, if not, with Cabbage Patch Kids, or Teddy Ruxpin. They weren’t girl toys per se, but they were gender-neutral friends on whom you could project any personality, story, or quirk. They, like you, didn’t have to care about lasers or ninjas or mountain bikes. They were just soft and comforting, and non-judgmental. You probably noticed that most of your guy friends didn’t keep their stuffed animals around as long as you did, but you didn’t care. You may have even promised yourself – or the animals directly – that you would never stop caring about them, even when you grew up. You would never, you imagined, let them gather dust in the attic, or be donated to the Salvation Army.

But then you went through puberty and cuddly flights of imagination gradually gave way to bids for more attention from your guy friends and hunts for sex scenes in the books on your parents’ shelves. And up into the attic your Pound Puppies went. But their influence still lingers. You think it’s any coincidence that you’ve seen every single Vin Diesel movie? Look at that mug:

It’s like Pudding is staring right at us, out of the past.

We Would Have Gotten Laid At This Book Party If There Weren't So Many Women There Intent Upon Cock-Blocking.

2007-06-12T18:28:00.000-04:00

So last week we went to our friend Tom Dolby’s party for the book he edited, “Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys.” Sadly we did not appropriately go with any of our galpals, but we did rope New York’s Jesse O. into being our date, which sort of counts. At the party we saw Tom and his dreamy boyfriend Drew F. (who we dated last year – yep, still awkward), and his lovable ex-boyfriend Monte A de L. We also saw Ariel Foxman, who we still want to bone even though he is 5’2” and unemployed, and preppy Justin Belmont, of APrivateClub.com.

The book is a funny (go buy it!) if somewhat disjointed take on gays and the women who love them. The funniest part about the evening was the entrance to the party. It was at Mantra on Second Ave and 52nd (if you’re from New York, you know what that means), right in the middle of heterosexual ground zero. To get to the gay gathering, you had to fight your way through a straight gauntlet to the back stairs. An excellent anthropological study, it was.

One of our favorite essays in the book is by “The Underminer” writer Mike Albo. In it, he coins the term “hag fag.” That is, the boy who flocks to the girls, rather than the other way around. “I have always been a hag fag,” he writes, “since the first grade when I hung upside down with my girl classmates on the jungle gym at recess rather than running around the playground trying to kill and destroy things.” And isn’t it true? Though you gays now may have a circle of women around you who secretly long to date you, didn’t it really begin with you seeking them out, because you didn’t fit in with the boys? Didn’t they take you in, first? It’s really something to think about.

…But not right now. There’s a boy coming over in half an hour and we’re going to get laid, so stop bothering us with your girl problems and let us call you tomorrow and brag about how we scored.

Weekend Update: Divorce From Reality Edition.

2007-06-10T15:50:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we were watching "America's Cutest Puppies" on the WE Channel (we're gay, what do you want?) and managed to catch the New York City Semi-Finals. As adorable puppy after adorable puppy cuddled with the judges, they cut to exit interviews. One exasperated lady judge flung her hands in the air, and said:

"I just don't know how we're going to narrow it down to the top ten cutest puppies in New York city. It's like they're asking us to cure cancer - I don't know if we can do it!"

Oh, man.

[Picture courtesy of our favorite puppy porn blog, Bug-A-Day]

At Closing Time, Some Things Are Universal.

2007-06-08T11:10:00.000-04:00

[Last weekend our brother, Bald Knob, came to visit us in New York. On Saturday night, we took him to Barracuda, to see what happens when an extremely straight dude is exposed to outrageous faggotry. We asked him to blog about his experience. This is what he had to say.]

So I had quite the time in the Big Apple this past weekend, and one of the highlights had to be my first experience at a gay bar (well not the first, if you count one trip to Madrigals in Chicago, which if you know what I am talking about, you know that it definitely counts). After a nice cocktail party, Bigmouth, some friends, including a tall and handsome one, and myself all headed out to an innocent little place called Barracuda.

In addition to making far more eye contact than I ever have at a bar, I also learned quite a bit. For example, I learned what a twink is, what an otter is (even Bigmouth wasn’t so sure about that one, until I explained that his roommate is probably one), and how the flirting process works. “That guy just stepped on my foot!” “Oh, he was coming on to you- that’s how we do it.” Soon, I fit right in…. We made fun of the fag hags, who were dancing as one does only when one is certain nobody is watching- at least nobody that would touch a vagina with a 10 foot pole. But ultimately, the highlight of the night was when closing time drew near, and the desperation in many went from moderately obvious to blatantly overt.

It was a time when just a “casual” bumping in the back, spilling of beer on an arm, or stepping on a toe, were tactics abandoned- and an arm snaking around a stomach, a hand diving for a crotch, and unanticipated close whispers appeared. One man who was particularly drunk did all three, and much more, to each member of our group as we all turned, spinned, bobbed out of his way, which wasn’t particularly hard as he couldn’t stand straight. As we left, I told Bigmouth that “if this had been at a straight bar, and a guy had done that to girls, he would have been arrested,” but the group in general agreed that this wasn’t anything atypical for 4 AM Saturday night.

But as much as the standards of behavior I observed were more “forward” than at bars I was familiar with, ultimately, gay or straight, we’re all the same when we’re single, drunk, and out late on a Saturday night. A few days later at a dive bar in Boston, at 2 AM as the lights came back on, I couldn’t help but notice a drunk girl, a bit overweight and not fortunate enough to be able to offset it with large breasts. She had been running her hand down a handsome guy’s back, and as he turned away, she moved on to a shorter, sunburned guy wearing an ill-fitting suit coat. As he returned her glance and moved in closer, I could see the same predatory look I saw at Barracuda in her eyes. And I quickly realized a fundamental fact that straight women and gay men share (other than relationship drama, a fear of spiders, good fashion sense and the fact that they don’t fart in front of significant others):

When it’s late on a Saturday, and people start heading for the door- just keep trying, and leave nothing to the imagination. Because somewhere, someone has a penis that hasn’t been touched in a while, and is desperate enough to fuck your ugly ass.

The Other Day We Went On A Wonderful Date At The Olive Garden.

2007-06-07T15:49:00.000-04:00

You read that right. We’d never been to the Olive Garden in our whole lives, and thus requested to be taken there by a tall and handsome friend. It did not disappoint.

We went to the one in Chelsea, which we assumed would be barren because no self-respecting gay would ever set foot in those doors (the windows are even slatted so you can’t see in – as though inexpensive family Italian food were pornographic!). In fact, around the bar there were tons of gays. A few even seemed to be on dates, like us, but without irony!

It was like going to a suburb-themed amusement park. We got a wiggly beeper to tell us when our table was ready, and when we were seated we ordered a bottomless garden salad with iceberg lettuce. The waiter asked us if we “liked wine,” and then offered a sample of a Cavit Pinot Noir (Cavit, you may recall, also makes that Pinot Grigio that you often pick up at that cheap liquor store on your corner, on the way to that party you don’t want to go to, because it only costs $7.99 a bottle). A highlight of the appetizer course was when a woman across from us leaned over in her chair, paused, and then farted through her pink jeans loud enough for us to hear fifteen feet away. It appeared that she, also, was on a date.

To be honest, the food was extremely tasty and we ended up completely stuffed. The wine we ended up getting was decent, and the waitstaff was friendly and unpretentious. Had we not been seated across from a charming boy, it all may have been different. But as it happened, our date at there was one of the best we’ve had in a long time.

And you thought there was nothing queer about the Olive Garden.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: One Two Three FOUR Five Six Seven Eight NINE Ten, Eleven Twelve

2007-06-06T09:45:00.001-04:00

What do you get when you combine:

Disco colors…
A porno soundtrack…
Dragons deep throating…
Elephants with tumescent trunks…
Relentless exploding phallic imagery…
A clown with a long, sloppy tongue…
A basic misunderstanding of baseball…
…And Teddy Roosevelt swallowing the ejaculate of the Washington Monument?

You get a video that all children in America were shown so frequently that the tune still haunts them 20 years later. And people are still looking for a genetic cause of homosexuality...

A Shameless Buttplug.

2007-06-05T12:27:00.000-04:00

We’re not sure whether this has anything to do with being gay, but sometimes we like having episodes of television shows explained to us. We’re not good at verbally recapping shows (and we can NEVER get the jokes right), but we could sit around listening to other people re-tell jokes from sitcoms for hours. Just like we could sit around and watch people play videogames for hours – though that’s mostly because we ate the pot.

Anyway, on Sunday night we spent a good twenty minutes listening avidly as a tall and handsome friend told us what happened on the Sopranos. We don’t even know who any of the characters are! (Except for Jamie Lynn Sigler, who we mostly know because like all fag hags, she used to be fat and now she’s just desperate). It was delicious.

If you’re like us, and you like talking about what happened on television last night because it’s better than what happened in your real life last night (watching Will & Grace on Lifetime, viewing between 30 and 75 fifteen-second clips on various porn-gathering sites, looking at your own face very closely in the mirror for ten minutes), then you should definitely check out our friend’s new TV blog on Women’s Day.

(Also, if you’re like us, you will get distracted by the amazing other things on this site, including the “One Good Thing” feature, which has taught us the glories of the mini Scott Lint Sheet! Thank God we have women there to dream up products for gay men to enjoy.)

But Whose Hair Has More Lift, Edwards’ or Hillary’s?

2007-06-04T18:45:00.000-04:00

After that despicable post, a moment of sobriety: the Human Rights Campaign has released its scorecard of where the eight democratic candidates stand on gay issues. This is a must-read for gays this year. While you may not be a one-issue voter, it’s really important to know what you’re supporting.

While all candidates support equal rights and benefits for committed same-sex couples, that does not actually include full marriage. Only Dennis Kucinich and Gonzo Gravel go balls deep on that front. All of them, however, are against “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

It’s not the results we’d want, but it’s certainly a big step. We’d focus on it more, but we’re still reeling from the fact that HRC actually did something useful for once.

Seriously. Go See This Movie. Though Maybe Don't Read This Post.

2007-06-04T18:07:00.000-04:00

This weekend we went to see “Knocked Up” and even though we arrived fifteen minutes early, we still could only find seats in the front row. This meant that when the inevitable birth scene popped up on screen, we were front and center for the action. We had heard it was funny, so we were excited.

[Spoiler alert – If you want to see this movie and want to remain surprised by a relatively small but key gag near the end of the film, stop reading here. We are going to use capital letters so you’re probably see what we’re going to write anyway, but don’t say we didn’t warn you]

Then it happened. Midway through the scene, which mostly entailed a lot of yelling and begging for drugs, it exploded onto the screen like the EYE OF SAURON. That’s right, a VAGINA. And not just any run-of-the-mill, shaved Britney Spears POONANI. It was a DISGUSTING, RED, SWOLLEN, SWEATY SLIT. WITH A BABY’S HEAD COMING OUT OF IT. We nearly died. And you know why? Not because we think PUSSIES (or “FRONT BUTTS,” as our straight brother calls them so that we gays understand what he’s talking about) have teeth or contain garden gnomes operate on a sandpaper-suction principle. No, we nearly died because we understand CUNTS perfectly and think they are appalling.

Now, don’t get us wrong, “Knocked Up” is a great movie that everybody will like. But if you’re like us and have sworn off of TWATS ever since one regrettable incident in high school involving your best guy friend and your best girl friend and some Captain Morgan and Diet Coke, you may want to shut your eyes for just one scene.

[Spoilers end here]

Just kidding. WEEPING PELVIC AXWOUND.

We Are So, So Sorry.

2007-05-31T12:29:00.001-04:00

This may just be the most offensive thing we have ever seen - and we once saw George Michael make out with Amanda Lepore at Plaid.

It's fitting, then, that this video was forwarded to us by the co-worker who supplies "Offensive Jokes From A Co-Worker."

You sort of have to struggle through the first sixty seconds to get to the gay parts. If you make it that far, you are a hardier (and, perhaps, crueler) person than we thought you were.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Return From Witch Mountain.

2007-05-30T18:30:00.000-04:00

Does anybody remember this movie? Does EVERYBODY remember this movie?

When you were little, if you saw it, there’s no doubt you loved “Return from Witch Mountain.” You probably rented it, and its prequel “Escape to Witch Mountain,” in those thick white plastic cases from the video store. Or you may have asked your uncle with the two VCRs to copy it for you so your parents wouldn’t have to keep spending the money. At any rate, if you were like us, you were intrigued.

The story was about two mysterious little children, who, like so many of your favorite characters, weren’t like any other kids. They were special. They had a secret fantasy past which made them secretly better than any of the other children around them. Everything about them was a secret. Like you! Except you didn’t know yet what your secret was.

And then came Bette Davis and Christopher Lee, attempting to steal the children and harness their magical powers. Honestly, this was a pair whose combined careers include “All About Eve,” “The Lord of the Rings,” and “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?” Is it any wonder they were a part of one of your formative gay moments? They’d practically been trying to make you gay for their whole lives!

Eh, maybe that’s a stretch. While Jezebel and Lord Saruman may have made sure you stayed gay in your future life, what probably made you gay from this movie was mostly just the shirtless scene with Tony the boy witch, pictured above.

God, you were a shallow little fag, weren’t you.

Does Anybody Know What Kind Of Beer Straight People Drink? Whenever We Order A Stella At A Sports Bar, We Get Looks.

2007-05-29T18:38:00.000-04:00

We’re sorry we didn’t blog Friday or yesterday. We meant to, but our travel schedules got in the way. We went up to Maine for the holiday weekend. Going up, our Greyhound bus (please, it’s hard for us to even talk about it) broke down, not once, but TWICE, such that we ended up waiting in the 90 degree heat on the side of the highway in Connecticut for another, random Peter Pan bus to pick us up and drive us, via several unscheduled cities, to Boston. This also involved sitting, for an hour, next to a homeless man drinking a forty. We obviously would have found this adorable, had he not been covered in scabs.

Our big news is that our straight older brother is coming to visit us this weekend, so we now have to start making plans. He’s a very good sport about gaytivities like shopping trips and Slip ‘n’ Slides, but we’re a bit worried about taking him somewhere like Mr. Black after dark. We can just see him getting swarmed by 18-year-old NY students, who will hang onto his arms and legs as he tried to escape, wearing him down eventually until he collapses under their weight, roaring, just before he reaches the door – sort of like the Sandman in Spiderman III.

Anyone have any fun gay/straight weekend suggestions – like packing a picnic basket for a Mets game? Or cruising for chicks on the Christopher Street Pier? Because if we don’t think of something soon, we’re going to end up doing Broadway karaoke at Brother Jimmy’s in Murray Hill, and nobody wants that.

We Are Learning Not To Resent Gay People Who Are Funnier Than We Are.

2007-05-24T16:50:00.000-04:00

So last night we went to Creation Nation. If you, like us, are one of the last few gays out of the know on this one, acculturate yourselves promptly. The host of the show, Billy Eichner, is a one man minstrel show – you know, if you replaced all the blackface with buttsex.

The audience was full of comedy writers, agents, people who were second-degree famous, and cabaret stars. Luckily, we had no idea who the hell any of them were. The guest on the show, interviewed by Billy and his co-host Robin Lord, was TR Knight. Poor TR looked like a deer caught in headlights during the whole interview, and barely completed a sentence. But we must say, he was looking quite a bit handsomer than when we saw him last year, at the Upfronts (he had blue hair – we all remember THAT phase of coming out).

Our favorite question was when, after a moment of awkward silence on TR’s part, Billy blurted out: “So what about Sandra Oh made you gay?”

TR had no answer. Ours, of course, would have been: “Mulan II: The Gaysian Invasion.”

And On Tuesday, God Created Beige...

2007-05-23T19:39:00.000-04:00

Father: Wow! I just love it here at the Creation Museum, a $27 million, 60,000 square foot museum created by the Answers in Genesis ministry that combines displays of extraordinary nautilus shell fossils and biblical tableaus, celebrations of natural wonders and allusions to human sin!

Mother: I know! Finally the world is being shown as it really is, without the distortions of secularism and natural selection.

Junior: Also, these matching tie-dye shirts are awesome! Great idea Mom!

Young Jimmy: Dinosaurs on the Ark? WTF? What are these people talking about? This whole place is quite unsettling. Also, these shirts are NOT awesome, I can't believe all my friends are going to see this on the Times website.

Daughter: Whatever, at least you can be seen. This chick with the mom jeans and 1999 digicam is totally in my way.

Young Jimmy: Mom jeans? Bitch please, we are wearing matching tie-dye.

Father: Quiet Jimmy! The tie-dye is amazing. Also, the Earth is barely 6,000 years old, dinosaurs were created on the sixth day, and Jesus is the savior who will one day repair the trauma of man’s fall!!!!!!

Mother: Yes Jimmy. If you start accepting evolution or an ancient Earth, moral dissolution is imminent! You can end up like that teenager in that model home over yonder, sitting at his computer, whom we are told is looking at images of nude women.* I can't imagine anything worse.

Young Jimmy: Ummmm, I can.**

*This is not a joke.
**NSFW, obvs.

Why You Are Gay: Toy Soldiers

2007-05-23T15:12:00.000-04:00

If you’re like us, the movie “Toy Soldiers” came out when you were just starting your delicate tweenage years. Maybe you were heavy, maybe you had headgear, maybe you had to wear a backbrace because you were misdiagnosed with scholiosis by your gym teacher. For whatever reason, you didn’t fit in. Later, this sense that you were the Best Supporting Actor in the movie of everyone else’s life would translate itself into a biting sense of humor and a throbbing alcohol addiction. But back then, you were just angsty.

Then came “Toy Soldiers.” It was a movie about misfits, the kids who didn’t fit in at prep school and were sent to the uptight Regis School to reform. These freaks and geeks never thought they were worth anything, until the inevitable happened, and a group of terrorists took over their school. Then the kids used their troublemaking skills to fight them off.

The movie made it okay to not fit in – in fact, it made you feel as though being a reject might actually be sort of heroic. And what’s more, there was something else about those boys that you liked. It was hard to put your finger on, but the way they all hung off each other and wrestled, rung a bell somewhere inside of you. Specifically Wil Wheaton, the fey martyr with the perfect floppy hair. Come to think of it, you’d liked him ever since you saw him in “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” And not the way you liked Deanna Troi. What was it about him….?

Oh damn you, Wesley Crusher. You done made us gay.

Somewhere In His Wicked, Miserable Past, There Must Have Been A Moment Of Truth.

2007-05-22T12:32:00.001-04:00

We’re going to see “Grey’s Anatomy” T.R. Knight perform at “Creation Nation” tomorrow night at the Zipper Theater. The show will include his gayness as a comedic point. It couldn’t be timelier, as Knight is on the cover of this week’s Pride Issue of the Advocate.

We were going to get into our somewhat conflicted emotions about Knight’s role as a gay icon, but our pals over at Queerty have already dug into the issue and thought it through quite thoroughly. We suggest you head on over there and check out what they have to say.

Meanwhile, has anybody noticed that Phil Spector is looking more and more like Julie Andrews every day??

Not That Being Gay Is The Worst Thing Your Mother Is Going To Learn About You From Google.

2007-05-21T09:10:00.000-04:00

So last week we appeared as a guest on a late-night cable news show, along with another queer blogger. At one point, we called him "gay," on national television. This is because we are socially friendly with him, and because in our normal parlance we frequently joke about being a fag (don't know if you've noticed). But the minute we said it, we got worried. We know that our friend is out, among friends and in his online persona. But is television different? His grandmother who doesn't know how the first thing about AOL might watch (or have friends who watch) Fox News with regularity.

It's weird how we draw lines in our own minds about being out. When we first came to college, we decided to wait to tell people. But we arrived on campus with nineteen other kids from our own high school, who had known we were gay there. It didn't take long for that information to spread. We think of this because we recently read the Editor's Letter by Aaron Hicklin in Out Magazine. It defended his decision to put Anderson Cooper and Jodie Foster on the cover without their permission. It seems as though even those two celebrities suffer from the same delusion - that if THEY don't say it, it's somehow still a question.

The truth of the matter is, your mother DOES Google you, as does every relative who shares your last name when they Google themselves. Somebody you know IS watching that television channel, even if it's public access. And somebody's niece always went to college with that guy you blew on Outward Bound. There comes a certain point in most gays' life where they have to assume that everybody knows - and even though you may have been hiding it to save yourself from hurt, it actually feels much better not to worry about it any more.

So, anyway, to the guy we outed on television - sorry. But as we've tried to so aggressively rationalize in this post, we were doing you a favor. Really.

Shockingly, We Are Not The First To Point Out That He-Man Was A Giant Fagatron

2007-05-17T14:18:00.000-04:00

The dashing Matt Gaymon pointed us to this Slate article, which includes the following brilliant insights:

It's almost too easy: Prince Adam, He-Man's alter ego, is a ripped Nordic pageboy with blinding teeth and sharply waxed eyebrows who spends lazy afternoons pampering his timid pet cat; he wears lavender stretch pants, furry purple Ugg boots, and a sleeveless pink blouse that clings like saran wrap to his pecs. To become He-Man, Adam harnesses what he calls "fabulous secret powers": His clothes fall off, his voice drops a full octave, his skin turns from vanilla to nut brown, his giant sword starts gushing energy, and he adopts a name so absurdly masculine it's redundant. Next, he typically runs around seizing space-wands with glowing knobs and fabulously straddling giant rockets. He hangs out with people called Fisto and Ram Man, and they all exchange wink-wink nudge-nudge dialogue: "I'd like to hear more about this hooded seed-man of yours!" "I feel the bony finger of Skeletor!" "Your assistance is required on Snake Mountain!"

That article leads to other hilarious ones. Another link we liked was from Bourgeois Nerd earlier this week, which led to a website that explains everything we learned from 80s cartoons. They’re of course missing the Snorks, the loveable, wacky sea creatures who kissed by locking antennae. Which, as everyone knows, is how all gay people first learned about docking.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Masters of the Universe

2007-05-16T11:52:00.000-04:00

Everybody watched “He-Man.” We don’t mean all of your friends, or all suburban kids. We mean every single child in the entire United States. Literally millions of tykes spent the entirety of the early eighties running around shrieking “By the power of Greyskull – I have the power!”

So how come only some of you became gay?

Maybe it was because you had an extra appreciation for He-Man’s lustrous blonde locks, or his chunky eighties bangs. Maybe it was the extremely fey winged sorceress, who you secretly aspired to grow up to become. Or maybe it was because He-Man had a flawless sixpack, fantastic lats, and only wore a loincloth and a chest harness.

Naw. The real reason He-Man made you gay was because he had a twin sister.

While every boy in America was still fighting off Skeletor and Evil-Lyn, that sexy vixen with the smokey wand, you got distracted. There was another hero that drew your attention. She was strong, brave, and she had fantastic blonde extensions. She had that great tiara, and the sword with the big blue gem in it (much better than He-Man’s nearly identical one). She lived in a gorgeous gold tower, unlike that nasty old Castle Grayskull. She was kind, compassionate, and often tried to outsmart her foes rather than bash in their skulls. THAT was the way to fight. Only idiots thought that muscles alone won wars, you thought, remembering all the times your big brother smacked you across the head and you ran away to tell. Real victories came with passion, brains, and a fierce color palette.

She was She-Ra, Princess of Power. And from the first minute you saw her, you were Gay-Boy, Pirate of Ass.

Honestly. We Just Don’t Understand How Anybody Could Choose This Lifestyle.

2007-05-14T16:50:00.000-04:00

We just spent a bachelor/bachelorette weekend in Block Island, celebrating the impending union of two of our most attractive heterosexual friends. We played croquet on the lawn, we biked through the fields, and we walked on the beach. We cooked together, we ate on cushioned chairs out in the sun, and everybody wore shabby pastel. At night we made pitchers of gin and tonics, played games and even put together a puzzle. Everyone got up early to take advantage of the day, and even cleaning was made easy by the help of many hands.

In short, it was disgusting.

We never got to wear boxcut bathing suits that were just a little too small. We never got to put on sleeveless shirts to show off our guns. Nobody spent an hour on their beach hair. In fact, people got a little sunburned, and nobody judged them! We didn’t get to go to expensive and sweaty clubs until three in the morning. Nobody fucked any twinks in our shower. We never saw a used condom – anywhere. We didn’t drink cheap mixed drinks out of plastic cups at anybody’s nasty pool. Nobody offered us any party drugs, and nobody puked from drinking too much. We didn’t have to share a single bed with someone because our share house had too many guests. And not even one of us went home with a stranger!

Can you IMAGINE? Revolting. We can’t wait for Fire Island.

No Wonder Pocahontas Got Around.

2007-05-10T13:30:00.000-04:00

A dear friend that we’ve never met, Frank over at Bourgeois Nerd, has raised a very timely, important question: During the Jamestown Colony’s first year, it was a colony of 100 men and no women. Are we to honestly believe that during that time - which was no doubt full of strife, hunger, and undergarment chafing – that there was no ass fucking?

Come on, people. In all the articles we’ve seen this month, from National Geographic to the Washington Post to the extremely well-publicized TIME cover story, we’ve seen no mention of this obvious conundrum. Frank uncovered but one reference, when an author of a fictionalized account of Pocahontas’ life speaks about his research:

There was one very brief mention in all the primary accounts that I saw of men loving each other. The crew of the ship had their own food supply, while the settlers had theirs. The settlers used theirs up and had to trade with the crew. There’s this one guy among the settlers who says, “We traded whatever we had with the crew for food,” and he gives a list of things: hatchets, beads, copper trinkets, coins, muskets, and the last item on the list was “love.” I just thought that one word was like a little peephole into what must have been a whole host of activities.

Oh! What a delightful little euphemism. “Love!” We’re going to use that from now on. It just sounds much better to say that last year we traded LOVE for the chance to spend a night hanging out with the girls from The Hills.

We can imagine just how it went down 400 years ago:

Settler: Alack, I am so hungry and cold. My shivering is even rattling the buckles on my clogs!
Sailor: Arr. I have grub here to barter.
Settler: Egads! I love bartering. But I am out of glass beads and knickknacks. Won’t thou taketh pity on me?
Sailor: Arr. All right. I’ll accept love in exchange.
Settler: Zounds! Well, I have been lonely. Ooh! Ouch! Pay heed to my neck doily!
Sailor: Yo, ho, ho.
Settler: My heavens. It looks like an ear trumpet!

[short pause, grunts made, other God euphemisms yelped]

Settler: Well, I am warmer now. And fulfilled.
Sailor: Arr. Here’s some mutton.
Settler: Now I’m not so hungry. It smells like a bedpan in here.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Red Sonja

2007-05-09T14:38:00.000-04:00

Did you ever notice that this movie was always playing at the randomest times when you were little? You probably never saw it from beginning to end, nor did you ever really know what the hell was going on (they have to get that glowing green orb! Or something! A little Asian prince who is always yelling at his assistant Falkon is involved! Aah, earthquake!). But somehow the fantasy elements appealed to your sense of magic and adventure, and the brute force of Sonja (aka “Surreal Life” star Brigitte Nielsen) was exotic and inspiring. Not to mention Dino De Laurentiis’s gifted cinematography and complete disdain for dialogue.

Ok, let’s be honest. You loved “Red Sonja” for the same reason you loved “Conan the Barbarian” – because Arnold was a physical fantasy whose only weakness was an apparent allergy to clothing. Something about the hyper-masculine warrior he played (his name was Kalidor, not that it matters) really got you itching in your special place, before you even knew you had one. It was the same sort of exaggerated testosterone that made you weirdly turned on by the phallically-horned, testicularly-chinned devil from “Legend.”

Honestly, what were you supposed to take away from that movie? Even the super-macho Sonja eventually gave into Kalidor’s pecs. You had no choice but to begin your lifelong yearning to attain that rocky, sun-rubbed body. And if you couldn’t have it for yourself, you could at least try to have sex with someone who does.

Oh look – there you are. Gay.

It's That Time Again.... For When We Don't Have Time To Blog!

2007-05-08T14:39:00.000-04:00

Therefore, we give you another offensive joke from a co-worker. Though, we're not quite sure if this one is funny. Let us know!

Q: What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?

A: An erection!

We Wonder If They Will Ever Make A Documentary About Our Genre of Gays. You Know, Self-Impressed Ones.

2007-05-06T22:49:00.000-04:00

Something amazing came in the mail this week - the DVD documentary "Mr. Leather." We did not order it, but rather it was sent as part of a press release. We swear.

On Sunday morning, we sat down with our roommate and some tea to see if it was worth watching. Neither of us are particularly interested in leather (though we have always wondered what the purpose of those chest harnesses is - do they attach to something?) so we didn't expect it to be entertaining.

Boy, were we wrong. The movie follows several contestants from Los Angeles area leather bars as they get ready to compete for the (allegedly) coveted title of Mr. LA Leather. The insights into their lives, romances, and struggles for victory was an peek into a world that we never would have expected would be so... precious.

Some choice lines from the movie:

On real estate: "I have a sling in my bedroom. I don't have a lot of dungeon space. I have a one-bedroom apartment."
ON S&M: "People can get fucked up, and then someone winds up dead."
On lifestyle choices: "We're the stinky couple in Palm Springs."
On landscape architecture: "We fucked on the rock next to the jacuzzi. I leaned against it."
On the tough questions of the competition: "You're lassie in an S&M scene. Go!"
On stupid human tricks: "He popped a pool ball out of his ass."
On ambition (spoken by a doctor): "The anal canal is made to withstand only so much."
On x-raying gay patients who come in with objects lodged up their ass (spoken by same doctor): "The X-ray showed a little lady in a big hoop skirt. It was a bottle of Aunt Jemima pancake syrup, which he insisted had fallen up there when he was cleaning the counter."
On the contest itself: "It's sort of like American Idol."
On one contestant's hobbies: "His interests include flogging, ass play, puppies, fisting, abduction..."

We're sorry, PUPPIES? Man, being gay is so confusing.

Why We Started Eating Again After Last Summer, We'll Never Know.

2007-05-04T17:18:00.000-04:00

So summer is coming up, and unlike some of our friends, we didn’t burst out of our mothers’ wombs with a veiny sixpack and buns tight enough to snap off a fragile cock. Yet we have to go to Fire Island, the Hamptons, Rehoboth, and Cape Cod with said friends. This means being surrounded by tiny bathing suits, impeccable waxing, and bodies that don’t even have one sunburned patch where you can see where your fingers were when you tried to reach it with sunblock.

So naturally, we’ve been going to the gym. It’s been going well, but we just have one question: Why do we have a FUPA if we don’t have a PUSSY?

(Actually, we have another question - do you guys bring different socks to the gym every day?)

Anyway, come on, it’s ridiculous. We started out thin and healthy already. We don’t have high expectations – we have no aspirations to look like this, just a rough approximation of this. What does it take to get rid of that little patch of paunch? Relacore? Atkins? That thing that Christie Brinkley and Walker, Texas Ranger want us to buy?

Seriously, we’ll try anything (except not drinking, so don’t even suggest it). But we leave it to you. If you don’t have any suggestions, when we show up in Provincetown muffin-topping over our Vilebrequin, it will be all your fault.

Celebrating 20 Years Of Straight People Bad Dancing.

2007-05-02T18:11:00.001-04:00

This is an ACTUAL video from an ACTUAL heterosexual wedding in the UK. We thought it fitting to post it today, as tonight we are going to the movie theater to see "Dirty Dancing" and celebrate its 20th anniversary. Remember when your parents wouldn't watch it, because the dancing was just TOO dirty?

You know you're gay if you watch this video, and rather than feel embarrassment for young Julia and James, all you can think is, "DAMN YOU MARRIAGE INEQUALITY!"

WHY ARE YOU GAY: My So-Called Life

2007-05-02T09:56:00.000-04:00

We’re jumping ahead a few years on this one, but no series like this would be complete with the show that helped you make that final great sashay into gayhood. It was perfectly timed just after you went through puberty, it had characters you could understand, and all of your pre-gay friends were also obsessed. Yes, we’re talking about “The Jordan Catalano Show.”

To begin with, it was the first primetime drama for teens to feature a gay character. You didn’t necessarily relate to Ricky and his flamboyant jheri curls, but the fact that he was there, dealing confidently with his issues, was a huge comfort. (Even though even then, you knew the beret and asymmetrical button-downs were a homo no-no.)

Then there was Claire Danes, with her pretty, awkward, somehow-not-quite-fitting-in-ness. Even though she was a willowy teenage girl, you somehow related to the sense of unfulfilled yearning she always felt. Or maybe, because she was a willowy teenage girl. Like you.

And then there was Jordan Catalano. That hair, that skin, those ill-fitting flannels! No one was fetishized by a camera that outrageously until Brandon Routh in “Superman.” When he took over the mic to sing “I Wanna Be Sedated,” oh Lord, all you wanted to do was go to your room and be masturbated.

Every plotline, from quirky, drunk Rayanne Graff’s attempts to be a lead singer, to Brian Krakow’s desperate obsession with Angela, seemed to speak right to you. And then, the school dance came. Gay Ricky and Chubby Delia found themselves alone, rejected by the crowd and their insensitive peers. The song “What is Love” came over the loudspeakers, and they began to dance. Everyone turned to look, and after a few moments, a circle formed. They stared as Ricky and Delia spun like crazy, finally realizing what it meant not to care what other people think. They'd never looked more free.

See? Even thinking about it now makes you more gay.

As Bored And Gay As You May Be...

2007-05-01T11:52:00.001-04:00

...you will never be as bored and gay as the people who made this video.

(Thanks to fave Fagats reader David M. for this link to Planet Unicorn episodes 1 and 2. Seriously, watch all the way through. You'll be disoriented, but vaguely comforted. Like that time you deep-throated a fried twinkie on a dare.)