The Last of a Dying Breeder

We love the New York Post's Cindy Adams. If you don't know who she is, acculturate yourselves yesterday. Cindy was mutilating the English language before E!'s Ted Casablanca was a twinkle on Daddy's collarbone.

Our favorite thing about Cindy is that she can write whatever she wants, because no one can understand it. And today she was at it again:

FOLLOW-UP to the Tom DeLay saga. DeLay and his superior, Speaker of the House of Representatives Dennis Hastert, both wanted DeLay's leadership position assumed by California's Republican Rep. David Dreier. It didn't wash. Reasons you may not be hearing, but reasons I have been hearing circle around phrases like "no family values." What it exactly means? Let's just say it means they're attacking him for personal, not political, sensibilities.

Mystified? Allow us to translade what dear Cindy, who could never pronounce her S's, was trying to say:

DAVID DREIER GOBBLES COCK.

This is only slightly less murky than last week's Cindyism:

THE Renée Zellweger-Kenny Chesney 20-minute marriage that ended with a charge of "fraud" and a request for annulment rather than divorce? Hollywoodniks veryveryveryclose to one of them say the reason could well be hubby's lifestyle choices.

..which, as you should all know by now, is her way of saying:

KENNY CHESNEY IS A STONE COLD FAGGOT.

Get the idea?

...But We Love The Orange Juice...

Police arrested a convict in Boca Raton on Wednesday for the murder and robbery of a gay man. The article in the Sun-Sentinel is upsetting for several reasons, not the least of which was that the murdered man was 72 and still hanging around Fort Lauderdale gay bars and public parks.

"Detectives described the suspect as an opportunist," said sheriff's spokeswoman Veda Coleman-Wright. "During questioning, he told BSO homicide detectives that for the past month he's been targeting gay men in order to rob them."

We won't spoil your carefree day of sodomy and gossipping with the genuinely upsetting details, but the admitted killer, Eric Kurt Patrick, is being charged for first-degree murder and carjacking charges. He also has a swastika tattoo on his back.

We know people who move to Florida are they type who have a hard time connecting concepts. "Hurricane" and "Alley," for example. Also, "Voting" and "Competence."

So why should "Hate" and "Crime" be any different?

And Leon Said, "Bunny? I'm Worth A Million..."

British lawyers have uncovered yet another angle to the jackpot of billable hours that will come when the United Kingdom officially recognizes civil partnerships in January of next year. No, not gay divorce - that's so 2004.

In Britain in 2006, according to The Guardian, Gay Pre-Nups will be the new subway bombings. And some family law firms are getting a head start:

Gay couples have already begun discussions with their lawyers. Agreements.co.uk, an online legal firm, says it is drawing up pre-nups for a growing list of same-sex couples. The company's Mark Andrews said: "People are forever having the benefits of partnerships trumpeted to them ... but there does not seem to be much reflection of the fact that they have potential liabilities if things go wrong. Almost one in two straight marriages ends in divorce, and there is no reason to think the picture will be any better with gay and lesbian partnerships."

Wha..? But we were only marrying him for the Boston Terrier and the gym membership! These straight people have us all figured out.

Take, for example, the first sentence of the Guardian article:

The champagne is being ordered, the Cadillacs booked, the rings lovingly chosen...

Cadillacs? It's like they read our minds!

Fucktards.

25? Please, They Wish.

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the founding of the Human Rights Campaign, the groundbreaking gay political action committee. For a quarter of a century they have been second to none in their ability to raise money, which they use mostly to keep millions of gays and lesbians abreast of what they should be mad about. Their work may or may not have helped more gay-friendly politicians get elected to office, and very nearly almost got President Clinton not to enact "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

But even Angry Torpedos like us cannot argue with HRC's greatest contribution to gay society: the creation of a bumper sticker that isn't fucking hideous.

It's not as if he was always hanging out at The Cock.

In anticipation of this weekend's release of the movie "Capote," the New York Times today has a helpful summary of the life of cafe queen Truman Capote. In the film, Philip Seymour Hoffman brilliantly portrays the writer as he researches and creates his flawed masterpiece "In Cold Blood."

The Times devotes a verbose 900 words to the topic of the queer icon's personal life, including his magnificent rise and tragic fall. We were unsurprised to find that one of the 900 words in this article is "gay."

Why, you ask? Because one of Capote's best friends was the writer Gay Talese, silly goose!

Terminated.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was good on his word yesterday when he vetoed a bill to allow same sex marriage in California. The Governator said the bill "simply adds confusion" to the issue.

We can understand why he might be a little bit stymied. According to reports, when he first came to America, gay men took him in and mentored him at his gym, prepping him to be the legendary bodybuilder that he crew up to be. Back then they lived such a carefree lifestyle full of anonymous lockerroom sex and steroids - and no one had to know! Don't the gays realize that keeping your irrestrainable sexual urges well under wraps is a good thing?

No?

We guess it wouldn't be the first time politics has forced him to bite the hand that feeds him.

"Women, can't live with them... end of sentence."

The Malcontent has a wrap-up of some of the best moments from last night's live "Will & Grace" premiere. Our favorite is the moment when Jack, played by Sean Hayes, reveals that one of his eyebrows has been shaved off. It appears that Hayes' real-life eyebrow has been removed, a patch of hair that we happen to know takes several weeks to fully grow back.

(Word to the wise, the time of the evening when you lose your depth perception is the time to stop using the stubby little one-hitter)

We're so proud of Hayes for the lengths he goes for the sake of the show and educating America about gay people. First he comes out of the closet to show the primetime viewing public that being gay is nothing to be ashamed of, and then he mutilates his face for the sake of comedy.

Oh wait...

Never Trust A Woman With Two First Names

Many people assume that Jodie Foster leads an aggressively private life because while she was in college, someone tried to kill the most powerful man in the world to get her attention. Those people, of course, are the sentimental few who managed to enjoy the movie "Nell" even though they weren't stoned. The real reason, of course, is hidden in her imdb.com profile:

"Has been in a serious relationship with Cydney Bernard since they met in 1993 on the set of the movie Sommersby (1993)."

Amazing what you can find hiding in plain sight. Imbd.com can be updated and changed by just about anybody. I wonder when someone will think to update Ian Somerhalder's profile?

Yo Ho Ho, And A Bottle Of Maker's

Our pegboy-in-crime Perez Hilton has uncovered an old nudie shot of Mr. Britney himself, Kevin Federline. Now, we refuse to believe that we are the only ones that think that underneath all of that encrusted American Spirit ash and DEP 7, K-Fed is secretly dreamy.

Did you ever walk into your basement, and find one of your older brother's friends kicking it on the ratty furniture playing Nintendo, and he was pretty baked, and you didn't really know his name but you were intimidated because he was older and cooler and you wanted to hang out with him even though you weren't even sure your brother was even home at the time - and then maybe before you came out you had a little fantasy of your own about what you would have done with him if you had the balls?

Yeah, Kevin is hot that way. We knew you'd see what we meant.

As If We Didn't Have Enough Problems

The beetches at the DataLounge have sunk their teeth into yet another juicy topic - and this time, we just don't know what to think. When we were altar boys, our priests were very kind, old and oddly pumpkin-like, so we don't know how to help you on this one...

Mom, I've been dating this person, and they are different from any other person I've ever dated before...

Once again, to our ostensible delight, Gotham Magazine has released its annual list of New York's Most Eligible Bachelors.

But yet, a spot check of this year's list provides some disappointing conclusions:

Number of men who specify they are looking for women: 58
Number of men who specify they are looking for men: 2*
Number of men who do not specify a gender in a dream mate: 40**
Number of men on list who we know, through personal experience, to be gay: 6***

*PR Cutie McBoobity Pierce Mattie only requests "someone tall, dark, handsome and rich," and since Famke Janssen has a boyfriend already, we're assuming he means a man.
**We're unsure of how to count Aaron Stewart, who says he wants a "partner." Since only our Mom uses that term, we'll say gay?
***One of the non-identifying gays has arguably the hottest pic of the whole 100. We'd tell you his name so you could go look for him, but you've already all slept with him anyway.

Do we need to remind people that Gotham is merely a high end advertising vehicle with the same literary content as a Fendi handbag? Shouldn't everyone on this list be gay?

A Boy Like That...

Desperate Housewives writer/creator Marc Cherry has a somewhat revealing interview on Out.com about his hit show, and about the bisexual character Andrew that has a lot of people in TV Land buzzing. We loved it when Andrew (played poutily by the adorable-if-acne-ridden Shawn Pyrfrom) was caught making out in a pool naked with another boy (the equally steamy Ryan Carnes), and admitted to his parents that he is gay. But we were confused when he secretly denied his sexuality to a priest. Until now:

Cherry: Yeah, people accept what people say too readily. They think that just because he said it, it’s true. One of the things I was trying to write in there is that he’s like a lot of kids. He’s saying, “Oh, I’m not really gay.” Well, yeah, you are. That, to me, is the truth of the situation. I’ve had people get confused by that. That’s one of the problems you get sometimes in TV. It’s hard to write with ambiguity.

Ah, nuance. We really appreciate that in a primetime soap. Thank you, Marc Cherry, for adding the Drunken, Soulless Gay to your bevy of never-before-seen cultural types for the show, which already included the Promiscuous Blonde, the Fiery Latina, the Uptight WASP, and the Unfriendly Black Family.

...so...we've arrived?