Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Colin Farrell Buys Thesaurus, Plays Part Of Someone Who Can Read

When we saw that Cillian Murphy was interviewed by Colin Farrell in this month’s Interview Magazine, we almost had a heart attack. Like all Americans, we are a quarter Irish, and we have a soft spot for these two hunks. So imagining them engaging in the inevitable Warhol-induced phone sex was almost too much to bear. Take this steamy piece of Mick Lit pornography, for example:

Cillian Murphy: I’d been in love with [Breakfast on Pluto writer] Patrick McCabe’s writing for years. I think “The Butcher Boy” is up there with Joyce and Beckett as a seminal piece of Irish literature. I really do. This is kind of a companion piece to it.

Colin Farrell: It’s a beautiful absurd world. It’s like taking everything that lives underneath, subterraneously, in all Irish people and bringing it to the surface, the stuff that’s right under that bubbles up in us all. It’s all there in our culture, hidden by bravado and circumstance, whatever it may be. Your work in this movie is really gorgeous, Cillian. Really gorgeous.

Sorry, what were we talking about? We just had to take an extended break in the office handicap bathroom.

Anyway, we’ll leave you with a Farrell’s words of wisdom about the hurricanes he experienced this summer while working in the Caribbean on Miami Vice.

CF: When I was in Miami, Katrina passed us by, but we only got a lick of it. It’s like the difference between sitting beside someone in a bar when they fart and sitting at the other end of the bar and thinking for a second that you smell something but it’s gone and you go, “Must have been an elephant.”

Yes, Colin. Katrina was just like that.

But Today The Way I Play The Game Has Got To Change, Oh Yeah, Now I'm Gonna Get Myself Happy

Apparently George Michael is trying to one-up Elton John by also getting gay married in the UK.

Which really makes us wonder. Are there enough assless chaps in London for both wedding parties?

On an unrelated note, the image to the left is a rough approximation of what we think bad gays see at the exact moment of their deaths.

Yet Somehow We Were Happy That Jennifer Hudson Was Cast As Effie In Dreamgirls.

So we just saw the movie “Mrs. Henderson Presents,” starring the original fag hag, Dame Judi Dench. The rest of you proles will be able to see this movie next month. Now, we have our complaints and our compliments, but what’s worthy of note here is that the movie introduces Will Young in his debut role. If you’re a modern culture junkie, you’ll remember Will from when he won the first season of Britain’s “Pop Idol,” the precursor to our own “American Idol.” Young came out of the closet shortly after the win, and immediately went under an image re-vamp towards soft rock.

Quite frankly, he has a terrible-sounding voice and an audible lisp. And he can't act. Yet someone thought fit to place him opposite Dench and Bob Hoskins in this World War II tragicomedy. Imagine, if you will, if Clay Aiken was cast in a Civil War piece opposite Meryl Streep and Anthony Hopkins, and you’ll get an idea of what a travesty this is.

There is a lot of nudity in this film, both male and female (we see Hoskin’s ying but thankfully not Dench’s yang), and that includes Young. Unfortunately, in the one scene where everyone goes full frontal, Young is turned away from the camera, denying us the only possible pleasure that could be derived from his appearance in this film.

Come on, Will! Even Jude Law flashed us in Talented Mr. Ripley, and he has a tiny penis!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

And Don't Even Get Us Started On Nathan Lane. Now THERE'S A Fine Piece Of Ass...

Did anyone else notice how today Liz Smith jizzed all over the crop of actors who played gay this year? Was that weird?

* In "The Dying Gaul," Peter Sarsgaard appears as a struggling gay screenwriter who falls for a married studio executive. We also have "Rent," as a movie musical with its plethora of gay and transvestite roles.

* Then there is Philip Seymour Hoffman, who is playing the famously gay writer Truman Capote in the film "Capote." He is a certain shoo-in for an Oscar nod.

* Another role causing "excitement" is that of Cillian Murphy as a transvestite in "Breakfast on Pluto." (Why is excitement in quotes? Does she really mean “erections?” Even we don’t get this innuendo.)

Woah there, Dykey McTranTran. Just because Cynthia McFadden dumped you doesn’t give you an excuse to start digging into our mancady jar.

But the headline on stories about most "gay movies" should read: "No Straight Actors Have Been Harmed in the Making of This Film." Male homosexuality is certainly the last real-life taboo for real-life male actors. And away from the bright lights of showbiz and the cosmopolitan big cities, what does it all mean for gay men and women across red-state America? Not as much as you might hope.

Now we'll see if Oscar, nervously naked, drops his sword for any of the above-mentioned as winners.

Liz Smith – the Confucius of Carpet Munchers.

Monday, November 28, 2005

We Just Want To Know Whose Bitch He Was In Prison.

When perusing our New York Times this Sunday, we noticed the re-appearance of one of our Hall of Fame Gays into Bill Cunningham’s society pages… PETER BACANOVIC. We love him. We went as him and Douglas Fanuiel for Halloween this year. He is hot, hot, hot and a half. And at 43, he’s clearly hiding a decaying portrait of himself somewhere in Chelsea.

We leapt to the computer this morning to write all about it, only to discover that Radar Online and New York Magazine had beaten us to it. Bacanovic is out of jail, free from home confinement, and ready to play arm candy to all his old fag hags (well, not Nan Kempner - she died) at charity benefits. Word on the street is that he’s moving to Los Angeles to work in the film industry. But what we want to know is, who out there would hire a well-known convict??


We kill ourselves.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

We Were Frankly Surprised The Brides Didn't Want To Show A Little More Skin.

In Dubai earlier this month, 22 men were arrested for taking part in a mass gay wedding. Some were dressed in traditional arab bride attire, and while the rest were dressed as grooms. As punishment for breaking the country's law against outward homosexual behavior, the group could face "government-ordered hormone treatments, five years in jail and a lashing."

While our original reaction was "Oh, how nice of the government to help pay for the first steps of their male-to-female surgical procedures," we quickly realized that, like always, we were being naive. The government wants them to be more masculine to fix the problem. They want to make up for the lack of testosterone in these male citizens.

Which we realized shouldn't have been a surprise.

Dubai? Overcompensate? Never.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Priesthood, Gays Get Divorce. Extended Battle Over Robes And Candelabra Expected.

We've been trying to avoid mentioning this so far, but it's basically become impossible to ignore. We're talking about the Catholic Church's new rules about gay priests - which include a three-year celibacy trial period for gay hopefuls before they enter seminary, an outright rule against new priests who still see themselves as same-sex attracted, and a weird grandfather clause for those priests who are already in the clergy but see themselves as homosexual.

There's plenty to complain about - hypocrisy, cruelty, homophobia, scientific ignorance - but what we want to know is: should we really care?

It's one thing to protest about the Church preaching hate. They've got a big audience. But as for their interior rules about gays becoming priests? That's their problem, not ours. They're the ones who are going to run out of manpower. We need to figure out why any of us still want to become part of the leadership of that organization. Catholicism isn't like the Republican party - you can't pick and choose what ideology you want to use for yourself. If you're pro-choice, you can't call yourself Catholic. Same goes for gay people - if you believe God made you that way, boom, not Catholic.

To extend a metaphor perhaps a little too far - did black soldiers volunteer for officer positions on the Confederacy side in the Civil War, but say "But I believe in everything else it stands for"? Did Jews join the Nazi party and say "Oh, I just don't agree with them on that point"? Did Melanie Griffith sit quietly while Sigourney Weaver stole her ideas, when she could have been a leader somewhere else?

We didn't think so.

Let the river run, my friends. Let the river run...

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Nick and Jessica: R.I.P. 2002-2005

I want you to remember, kids: It's the GAYS that are ruining the way that America's young people feel about marriage.

Thanks For Nothing, Bitches.

Happy Thanksgiving. If you haven't gathered already, we're on vacation. See you on Monday!

Friday, November 18, 2005

And Suddenly, On The Girls' Side Of Camp, "Box Lunch" Took On A Whole New Meaning

We, like so many other responsible young gays, talk about how we want to be parents some day. We’d be great parents, we think. But it’s the little day to day challenges you can’t predict – like the one outlined in this Houston Voice article – that make us worried. Take lesbo mom Paige Parvin’s conversation with her 7 year-old son, for example:

“Well,” he said casually, “there’s this girl at camp who wants to marry me, and she said she was going to kiss me, but I told her I didn’t want to do that because I’m going to get gay with Robbie.”
I froze, suddenly alert. Robbie was a friend he had met at camp only that week. Careful to keep my tone neutral, I said, “Really? Did you tell Robbie that?”
“Yeah. He said he’d think about it,” he answered.


The column raises all sorts of questions we never thought about, like should children of gay parents watch what they say in anticipation of the homophobia of others? Should children of gay parents assume that they are homosexual before they hit puberty, as pre-adolescent children of straight parents assume they are heterosexual? Can young kids learn tolerance on the playground, regardless of what they learn in the home?

And more importantly, can we get this kid’s number and learn some of his moves?

Because the last time we tried to pick up a seven year-old, it didn’t go that well at ALL.

An Existential Question.

If we weren't gay, would this have still brought our lives to a screeching halt?

Thursday, November 17, 2005

It's Because There Isn't A Translation For "I'm Gay" In Arabic

We were excited to learn that only one gay man who spoke Arabic was kicked out of the army for violating “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” last year – of roughly a sixty that have been kicked out for being gay in the first dozen years since the policy was enacted by Bill Clinton. Every year the numbers are going down, we are delighted to report.

This is because we, like the Armed Forces and the Bush administration, are glass-is-half-full people.

We prefer to concentrate on the fact that, while scores of untranslated tapes and documents are piling up in defense warehouses, the military has made a conscious effort to protect national security and the lives of our soldiers abroad - by pretending that gay people don’t exist. Bravo!

Our glasses, you see, like those of the Armed Forces and the Bush Administration, are half full of bullshit.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

We Remember The First Time We Came On To A Straight Friend, Too

This month, our favorite hot gay magazine Details brings together our favorite hot gay writer Benoit Denizet-Lewis and our favorite hot ___ actor Jake Gyllenhaal for an in-depth profile of the “Jarhead” star. We almost wet ourselves thinking about the writer and the actor strolling through Runyon Canyon in Los Angeles with Gyllenhaal's dog, getting all sweaty in the afternoon sun, taking a break in their tent, pulling closer to one another, and then Benoit reaches around – oh, wait, sorry. That’s Brokeback Mountain.

While this quote from Jake is likely to get the most attention:

"I approached the story believing that these are actually straight guys who fall in love," he says. "That's how I related to the material. These are two straight guys who develop this love, this bond. Love binds you, and you see these guys pulling and pulling and tugging and trying to figure out what they want, and what they will allow themselves to have."

…we were more intrigued by this part:

During the filming of Jarhead, Gyllenhaal and his costar Peter Sarsgaard, who happens to date Gyllenhaal's actress sister, Maggie, got into a bitter dispute over an incident neither will now discuss. But they eventually buried the hatchet and are good friends again. "He's completely into whatever he is doing in the present moment, and that draws people to him," says Sarsgaard. "But let me tell you, it can also be really annoying. Sometimes he's just too eager. Especially in the morning. We would be driving to the set, and he would be all revved up and play 'Candy Shop' five times in a row. I'm like, 'Can you please turn off that fucking song?'"

“An incident neither will now discuss”? The morning after which Gyllenhaal couldn’t sit still and Sarsgaard was grumpy in the car??

Praise Jesus!

Blogger isn't letting us post pictures again. We'll try to put up the cute shots of Jakeypoo later...

Love Lifts Us Up When He Be Hung...

Like everybody else, we like nothing better than an evangelical gay black man who preaches tolerance toward homosexuals in the church, publishes a book to that effect, then reneges and becomes straight again, pushing the counter logic upon the same audience who listened to him the first time. It’s kind of like Arianna Huffington with an onyx strap-on.

This is a little tricky to explain, but if you click the above link, it outlines how basically this dude K. Godfrey Easter was gay and Christian, and decided he wanted to let other people know it was okay to be both. So he wrote the book Love Lifted Me Because of the Church to spread the word. He even started the website so people could share in his vision.

Then something happened. We imagine it was a Porn Nam involving Lloyd Banks and a pair of nipple clamps - but we're just hazarding a guess.

K. Godfrey did an about face. He wrote another book, called Love Lifted Me Because of the Church: Why One Can NOT Be Gay & Christian. He put a scrolling banner headline across his website that read “MAN – WAS I WRONG.” (Two snaps for that, by the way. He clearly hasn’t gone all straight.) He began preaching against homosexuality.

The moral of the story? He used to like to put things in the out chute. Nobody should have expected him to be consistent.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Now We're Afraid Of Doctors AND HIV/AIDS. That's Awkward.

We came across this upsetting article in Next, in which an unnamed doctor with no listed credentials puts the rate of HIV/AIDS among young gay men at a very high level.

“Based on the numbers I see in my practice, I would say 40 to 45 percent of gay men in lower Manhattan under 40 are HIV-positive,” quoth the unnamed doctor.

That’s quite a statement. Most official statistics put the number much lower. And based on anecdotal evidence, as gay men living in lower Manhattan, we also find this highly implausible. We’re frankly a little surprised that Next, whose job it is to decorate the altar of gay hedonism, would reduce itself to such scare tactics. We’re fans of AIDS/HIV education and prevention – but call us old fashioned, we want to know real facts to deal with real situations.

Next time stick to exaggerating penis size, folks. That’s a surprise everyone can appreciate.

Monday, November 14, 2005

When It Rains, It Whores.

We, like every other fag worth a dimebag in New York, were at the glorious clusterfuck that was the Out 100 awards on Friday night. We were joined by Rosario Dawson, Anthony Rapp, Richard Belzer, Melissa Ethridge, Kelli Carpenter, Marc Jacobs, Sophia Coppola (who is still wearing that garbage bag – someone should make her a new one), Former Gov. Jim McGreevey, and a host of other lesser luminaries like Dan Renzi, Jay McCarroll, and Perez Hilton.

First, we asked Anthony Rapp if everyone was getting too old and crusty to play young starving artists in Alphabet City.

“I think it only changes it in the sense that we have that much more life experience to bring to the performance,” he told us, executing a well-balanced cop-out. “The ages of the characters are never stated. The only age stated is Mimi’s. I think when I look at the film, I don’t know what age people will think we are. I think we look young.” Of course you do. We still tell people we’re 19. “If we were jowly balding, paunchy middle aged wrinkle people, then of course it would be weird.”

If? We’ve seen the ads with Adam Pascal…

Then, we cornered some Out insiders, who told us they knew of the coming takeover for about a month, but weren’t sure exactly what was happening. After that (and a couple of martinis), we introduced ourselves to Jim McGreevey, who had brought a date. He was attentive enough to us, though, that he neglected to release our hand after shaking it until he was walking away. Hot! Gross!

Sharon Stone gave an immensely cracked out speech that had been previously taped, Rosario Dawson looked pretty, and Marc Jacobs brought a hooker as a date! (See above picture, courtesy of Patrick McMullan. See also The pair even disappeared into the bathroom together and emerged looking refreshed. Cliche-tastic!

All and all it was a lovely time.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Eleven Angry Women. And One Sassy Gay.

In an upsetting twist of fate, we were picked for jury duty and will be serving on trial this week. We'll do our best to post in the afternoons after we finish our civic duty - but no promises. Something about the industrial yellow of the courthouse just murders our sense of humor.

On Friday we attended the Out 100 awards and met some lovely gays - expect a full report Monday evening. Rosario Dawson brought her mom, Athony Rapp brought his boyfriend, Jim McGreevey brought a new date, and Richard Belzer brought his dog.

And, as usual, we brought our drinking shoes.

Friday, November 11, 2005

You Really Can't Fight The Moonlight, Can You?

We're not saying there's anything gay about LeAnn Rimes' husband Dean Sheremet - we'll let him do that. But we heard from a friend at the Seventh On Sale HIV/AIDS benefit that Sheremet's behavior was a little bit, shall we say, fey.

Apparently, Sheremet was very attentive to Rimes - but also very attentive to the mancandy surrounding him. Quoth our bodacious boyspy: "I didn't get that he was hitting on me, but that kinda thing where you pass information to one another through a stare?"

No. As gay men who walk around New York City, we have no idea what you're talking about.

So we went on a fact finding mission. Sheremet has his own fansite, works out constantly, is an aspiring actor, and met LeAnn when he was her backup dancer.

And this, we find, to be the clincher:
He starred in an Old Navy ad with Megan Mullally.

We’re glad we didn’t have to spell it out for you. We’d hate to be one of those blogs that outs people.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

But What Do You Use If You Only Come Down With A Case Of Homosexual Once Or Twice A Year?

This new prescription medicine made us giggle.

What's funny about the website is that it seems as though they've merely taken another drug's website (Like Propecia, say) and replaced every use of "baldness" with "homosexuality. An easy, cutting way of making a joke. Kind of like how David Spade and Chris Farley cut every use of "Tommy Boy" and inserted "Black Sheep" in their second film.

It reminds us of how we've always wanted to copy the Exodus website and replace every use of the word "homosexual" with the word "Jew," or maybe "black" or "poor person."

But we suspect they wouldn't see the point. As we learn time and time again, irony, like taste in sweaters, is something you lose when you stop being gay.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Shirtless Cater-Waiters Hadn't Drank Water For Days, But Were Forced To Hand Out Cocktails.

While the Victoria Secret Fashion show took over downtown last night, we scooted uptown to the 5th Avenue Abercrombie & Fitch Flagship Store opening party to worship at the altar of abs.

The place is littered with paintings, sculptures, and photographs of shirtless men rowing frolicking, and gently intertouching. It's like an Eakins painting swallowed the whole store. And then some cock.

Somehow, they managed to scrounge up enough ironic slogan tees and distressed cable-knit river neck merino wool sweaters to occupy five floors. But for your buying convenience, everything was priced at $59.95.

We enjoyed the models handing out drinks (and Dewars shots), but what we really appreciated were the male-loving socialites who showed their faces at the event. Fabian Basabe, Luigi Tadini, and Eric Villency come to mind (though we will admit to our chagrin that we know at least Eric doesn't swing our way). Bruce Weber held court amid a gaggle of models he's taken advantage of, while Michael Musto lurked in a corner and complained about television shows he's never been on.

All in all, it was just like every other party we've ever attended.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Their Eyes Were Watching Cock

Though we are not single, we went onto hoping to see a new breed of gay out there. (And because we were pretty sure it was an SNL spoof. It wasn’t.) The site claims to bring together pious fags so they can get on their knees, open wide… and pray together. So we went and searched for guys we would find eligible – men living in NYC between the ages of 18 and 40 within 25 miles of our zip code.

Six matches turned up.

So we went over to J-Date to see how the Jews fared. 13 matches with the same criteria. Better, but still a poor showing, considering well over 1,000 matches pop up immediately on Godless Friendster with the same search.

This is interesting, because we happen to know plenty of Christian gays – and even more Jewish ones. But they all tend to be more open-minded, and prefer operating in the general dating miasma, rather than in tiny religious tidal pools.

We have no idea why this could be, but imagine it has something to do with payot and Christian rock.

I swear to G-d I got that picture on a Jesus website.

Mehlman Told Scooter, Who Told Dreier, Who Told Izzy, Who Told Harriet, Who Told Anderson, That Bush Uses Just For Men!

Much has been made of White House Snitch Scooter Libby's bodice-ripping novel - but did anybody else notice this hidden tidbit about his undergraduate habits in the Yale Daily News over the weekend?

Although Yale had just gone coed, classmates said Libby chose to spend most of his time with his male peers. While some of his male classmates said they remembered Libby as an excellent friend, their female counterparts did not claim to feel as close to Libby."He was really more in with the jocks … in that sort of guy thing," Sarah Birdsall '72 said.

Following behind the jocks...earning the nickname "Scooter"...ignoring women...writing bear porn...spreading catty gossip, and then lying about it...

This all seems to be leading somewhere, but we can't quite put our finger on it.

Thanks to our hot roommate for unearthing this.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Banner Headline: Minorities Have More Trouble Getting Cabs, Oscar Roles

In painfully recent history, the Wall Street Journal has been trying to appeal to hip twentysomething readers with a regular feature by thirtysomething writer Adelle Waldman. This week's service journalism topic? Why it's sometimes hard to be out in the workplace:

The problem there, says Kate Wendleton, president of The Five O'Clock Club, a career coaching firm in New York, is that your co-workers probably already suspect anyway, and by going to great lengths to hide your sexuality, you might actually be drawing more attention to it. Ms. Wendleton suggests that young people neither hide nor make an announcement about their sexuality, but strive to be as casual and blasé about it as a straight person -- mentioning in passing, for example, that you're going on a vacation with your partner, without making a big deal about it.

Next week in the WSJ: If You Brush Your Hair Forward A Little At The Temples And Then Spike It Up In The Front, Maybe No One Will Notice Your Receding Hairline.

We checked back to see some recent articles by Adelle "two-steps-behind-and-a-dollar-retarded" Waldman, and it was just as we expected. Highlights included:

The Risky Business of Office Romance
When a Small Town Beats the Big City
Grappling With Divorce
Ranking a Job by the 'Coolness Factor'

Hey Adele, Jenny 8. called. She wants her unholy soul back.

And also her Bedazzler. Those things are so the new Lite Brite!

Friday, November 04, 2005

This Got Us So Worked Up, We Had To Take A Bacardi Shower Just To Cool Off has done it again.

First, they ripped the curtain away a month ago, exposing all of the stalking, checking up on ex-boyfriends, and surreptitious spying that was going on when they allowed members to see who had viewed their profiles. This, we thought, was an amazing move.

But then they allowed members to view profiles anonymously. Which took all of the fun out of that. Only a few bold devil-may-care users continued to remain known.

And now, this month - Friendster has put forth quandary worthy of the sphinx: Users can see who has viewed their profiles, only if they agree to be seen themselves.

What to do?

Should you see who is looking at you and never look at anyone else's profile? Should you bank on everyone choosing to remain anonymous and do so yourself? Should you go back and forth between anonymity and openness so that you can properly flirt in a surreptitiously coy way? If viewing openly is the equivalent of lingering eye contact, does this make Friendster useless?

If you were wondering at the beginning of this post what exactly was gay about it, I hope we've cleared that up for you.

Although He Does Look Bigger On Billboards

As with everything we say and do, we were successful in our mission to meet Tom Ford last night. And before 8 pm!

We were quick to ask him about his scorching hot photo shoot in W this month, and wondered whether he had to do some tequila shots before posing nude for photographer Steven Klein.
“He didn’t have to convince me,” he said, looking into our eyes. “I’m very comfortable nude.”

Then, of course, we promptly died.

Ford, who looked absolutely flawless (literally, we couldn't even see his scalp through his quarter-inch long hair), said he missed designing and was glad to come back to it.

“I felt a little bit neutered when I didn’t have something to work on,” he told us. “You know, it’s important for me to have a voice culturally.”

We agree on this important point. We don’t want to see him neutered either.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

We Thought We Smelled Chest Hair

Our patron saint Tom Ford is coming to NYC and is expected to be painting the town red tomorrow night (well, lurking in a booth at Bungalow 8, but you know what we mean). We've always been sad that Ford is in a long term relationship with journalist Richard Buckley, because we, like all gay people, would very much like to see what's beneath that that open third button. But today we were slapped back to sense by a gay compadre.

"Silly Fagat," he cried, "monogamy is for poor people!"

We remembered that we have heard of orgiastic coke-fueled parties in hotel suites featuring His Royal Hairline - but we never believed it was true, not our Tom! How shaming!

Then again, he's never passed out on a hooker as he was slurping his way to the bottom of a K-hole, like some designers we could name...

We're going out to try and sneak into his hotel. We'll be the ones with the purse cam!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Satire Writer Concludes Gay Jokes Just Not As Creative As Jew Jokes

We noticed a disturbing article on the Onion recently:

Queer Eye Team Denounces Recent Wave Of Vigilante Homosexual Makeover Groups

This perturbed us. Though the article is full of witticisms, like this:

Though none of the unsolicited-gay-makeover incidents have resulted in fatalities, FBI Fashion Crimes agent Jason Broderick said the deep humiliation victims suffer makes many of them want to die.

..and this:

"Real homosexual makeover experts downplay pastels, consider arugula and sun-dried tomatoes passé, and would never encourage an overweight cubicle worker from Bowling Green, OH to wear an ascot."

..what's upsetting is that the Onion, normally refreshingly biting and relevant, is still laughing with Queer Eye.

We're Back, Crack Is Wack, And The South Has A Lot More Gay People Than We Thought.

Okay, okay, we're sorry. We realize we've been remiss in posting, but we were taking a much-needed vacation with our boyfriend south of the Mason-Dixon line. We relaxed, wandered through Spanish moss-laden streets, and caught up on some TV.

Translation: LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!

But now we're back, and just in time to catch this amazing update on The Smoking Gun. Even though we were in Savannah, we missed out on this one. Turns out that on Saturday night, college student Will Johnson got caught really caught up in his costume, that of the child-at-heart interspecies superhero Lion-O.

As vehicles approached he would jump in front of each car and begin numerous physical gyrations. When the vehicles would honk their horns, he would respond by yelling and cursing at the driver.

For the amount of times Lion-O has saved Third Earth from Mumm-Ra, you'd think they'd cut a cat a break. But here's our favorite part:

Eye contact was made from approx. 40 yards away. The suspect removed his orange Halloween wig and ducked into a crowded club.

Boy, if we had a nickel for every time we've pulled that move. The old "Rip Off The Wig And Run Into A Gay Bar After Making Lingering Eye Contact" trick is one of the oldest in the book. But instead of following Lion-O into the back room and experiencing a sandpapery full body licking, the officer arrested him.

Which, of course, made us wonder: If they make a movie of Thundercats, will Chad Michael Murray Play WileyKat?