Monday, December 10, 2007

Djimon Beats Beckham in a Head-to-Head Matchup

Has anyone ever noticed how explicit the Djimon Hounsou Calvin Klein ads are? You can practically see the veins in his giant black cock (and you can DEFINITELY see that he is circumsized). We almost found it to be a relief to see on Towleroad that the David Beckham Armani underwear ads had the "generic bugle" look going on. Sure, it probably means there's a sock in there along with the Beckham junk, but it's better than imagining what ends up inside Kimora Lee Simmons on a regular basis.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Why You Are Gay: The 'Mr. Owl' Tootsie Roll Pop Commercial

We know it's been a while since we did one of our Why You Are Gay posts, so we hope you'll bear with us. We were just thinking about that old Tootsie Roll Pop commercial, where a naked boy wanders around asking animals about how to lick a pop. We didn't realize it then, but looking back, it's no wonder we don't know how to give head to someone with a foreskin. ("Get rid of that wrapper, let me just attack that sweet stuff underneath!" (Sorry, British ex-boyfriend)). Click above to watch the commercial. First you've got the turtle with the penis head bobbing up and down, then you've got the owl with the testicle eyes. And finally, you are faced with just a row of slowly melting lollipops, which get more and more cock-like as the ad ends. Oh, yeah, and like we said, the boy in the ad IS NAKED. Genius target advertising for a young demographic with an oral fixation? Or fag propaganda? You decide.

(Also: Any time anyone ever uses teeth on your own little blow pop, now you know who to blame.)

Monday, December 03, 2007


Yes, it really has been that long.

And yes, the rooster does have a badonkadonk.

America's Most Cholesterolest Model

Ok, so Daniel may have been kicked off "America's Most Smartest Model." But he is having success in commercial campaigns! Witness this appearance in People Magazine... In a, um, Hellman's Mayonnaise ad. Go… Daniel.

Earlier: Top Model + Jeopardy =Truly Awe-Inspiring Television

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Investigating The Watered Down Version of Ourselves

A question to readers: Does anyone know who writes the blog "Guest of a Guest"? We were hesitant to ask, because we know the blog is desperately trying to gain notoriety and they are DYING for people to try and figure out who they are. But it is on our RSS feed and we can't help but notice that a) the authors rip off posts from other blogs and make them seem as though they are original, and b) we probably know them. They were gay enough (and Gawker-obsessed enough) to interview Kristian Laliberte and not make fun of him. They weirdly name-dropped unknown actress Francesca Cecil (our college classmate) twice. They get invited to the same small parties we do. They're obsessed with/maybe work at New York Magazine. They encourage people to go to the Head of the Charles and Princeton Lawn Parties. We're completely curious in spite of ourselves. Anyway, email us at fagats @ if you know. We're bored at the end of the day and we now work in an open office so we safely spend the last hour of work clicking through The Pretty Boys Club.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

For The Last Time, Stop Trusting Gay Hookers

Okay, so we've been watching this whole Big Head DC/Trent Lott/Gay Hooker thing unfold, and it's really making us ill. We have no idea who Big Head DC is, but they clearly don't know a thing about gay hookers. Having had to interview a few for work (really), we can tell you that a) ones who have secrets, keep them, and b) ones who don't have secrets will do anything to appear like they do. If you read the correspondence between Big Head and alleged Lott-humper Benjamin Nicholas, Nicholas is clearly playing coy with Big Head. Big Head just falls for it, and what's more, publishes correspondence that he told Nicholas was off the record. Basically, everybody looks stupid and the whole thing is completely boring and predictable. Why have we written two posts about it? Because it was either that or running naked pictures of that hot gay from Project Runway, and we figured you'd like to hear us rant about some boring political non-story than check out a reality star's junk. Right?

Monday, November 26, 2007

There's A Word for This, and It's Not "Hypocrisy"...'s "Ugh." Trent Lott has been accused of using a young gay prostitute in the District. Is anyone else really really tired of this kind of story? It's like that gross "I pooped on Larry Craig's Penis" story. Whether or not it's true, it doesn't do anybody any good, especially if Lott is retiring. Have we become old and crusty that we think that? It's just, if someone's going to be outed as gay, can't it be someone we like? And we can look up to? And who is the appropriate age to be in the closet? And doesn't hate himself? And for the love of god, can't we finally get someone who is hot??

The French Connection: FHC and FrenchBenj in NYC

Longtime Fagats readers will appreciate the crossover we are about to experience this weekend. Our blog BFF FHC will be in town this weekend to visit, arriving on Thursday night. Also in town will be our blog friend-with-benefits, FrenchBenj. Though the two hail from the same country and have traded barbs online for years now, they have never met in person. And yet, it just might be the case that they will be in the same place at the same time this week. Which raises the obvious questions: Where should this meeting take place (it's Thursday night, so Pop Rocks? Vlada? The corner of Avenue A and 13th Street?)? Who should be present (LL? TAHF? Bigmouth?)? How drunk should everybody be (a little? A lot? French?)? What should we wear?

And most importantly, where should we plan the afterparty?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Bill O'Reilly Thinks Gay Couples Can't Be "Cute"

We have to say, we normally find it very frustrating to watch guests on "The O'Reilly Factor" talk about gay issues because advocates so easily get flustered and angry, and O'Reilly has a way of preventing them from getting decent points across. But in the above clip, a Northwestern psychologist does very well against O'Reilly, pointing out when he tries to dress his subtle bigotry up as "common sense." We're pretty sure if we went on the show, it would turn into an episode of "Jerry Springer" in a hot second.

Thanks to Andy for the clip.

Casual Gayness Hits the Times

Did anybody notice, buried within a story about teeth-grinding (which we are embarrassed to say we were profoundly interested by), this section?
During sleep bruxism, [a doctor] explained, the upper and lower teeth may come into direct contact as much as 40 minutes per hour, and — for example, on the first molar — with a force of about 250 pounds. Hence the football player. Compare that with normal circumstances, when a person’s teeth make contact for about 20 minutes a day, while chewing, and with only 20 to 40 pounds of pressure. Even if I wanted a football player in my bed, I certainly wouldn’t want him standing on my teeth. I became aware of his presence the way that many bruxers do. My then-boyfriend told me I woke him up with a dreadful crunching noise that came from grinding.
Emphasis added. The article is titled "A Lineman in My Bed."

Um… Since when is the Times so casual about its writers being so faggy? It's great! Like, the gayness of the author is an unquestioned premise of the story – like how the gay characters on Desperate Housewives don't have any plotlines related to their sexuality; they're just as normal and demented as everyone else on the show. Now that's what we call progress.

And an excuse to post a picture of a sweaty football player's belly.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Separated at Birth: Lance Bass and Patrick McDonald?

Behold, the fashion party fixture, and Lance Bass, morphing into one another. This is Lance from the cover of this week's HX Magazine.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Our Goddamn Gay Roommates Are Always Asking Us To Write a Post About Them, So Here Goes.

So, as you may or may not have heard, Bigmouth has two gay roommates these days. Gone are the days when a heterosexual couple ruled our roost. In their place have arrived two different flavors of fags. One is a burly marathon runner who loves to cook experimental meals. The other is a spritely (ok, Jewy) law student who supplies a lot of witty (ok, cruel) banter around the apartment. We must say, though we miss our previous roommates desperately (especially Fishwatch!), they are truly a delightful pair of people to live with. Except, we've found that everything that's great about them comes with a caveat. Hence, a list:

1) They are both far better dressed than we are... Except they both have short arms and we don't fit into their clothes.

2) They don't have long, feminine locks that get caught on everything, including our clothes… Instead they have short body hair that they are constantly trimming that gets caught in everything, especially drains.

3) They are not nasty about the apartment getting messy… They're just nasty AND messy.

4) They always want to go out and drink…. Yeah, um, blessing and curse.

5) They always have delicious, unhealthy food around the house, yet both remain quite trim… While we do not.

6) They're both huge whores… See #4.

7) They're very chipper and chatty in the mornings… See #4.

8) They are handsome and always on the prowl… So nobody every looks at us in bars any more.

9) They feel comfortable borrowing any and all of our products…. And porn.

10) Other friends now constantly ask us about a cute guys we know on Facebook… which means we will invariably have to deal with other said friends in our bathroom in the morning in the near future.

11) They loll around in their underwear on the furniture all the time… Yeah, and then one day we got scabies from our couch. See #6.

Overall, it's much more of a boon than a burden to live with two cute fags. But, you know, let the buyer beware. Gays are much louder during sex than straights, as it turns out. And it's unlikely your straight guy roommate will ever get up in the morning, hungover, and ask you, "Did I give you a blowjob last night? I have rugburn on my knees."

*Please, don't worry, that's not us in the picture.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

A Subtle Fagats Nod in Today's Gawker

Well, well, well. We KNEW Gawker read our little blog here. In today's rendition of the blog there's a post about "Super Mario Brothers: The Lost Levels," that includes the following quote by editor Alex Pareene:

That's the game that was the "real" sequel to the classic Super Mario Brothers that was never released in the US because it was sadistically difficult and instead we got the weird bullshit American Mario 2 where everyone knew to play as Princess Toadstool even though it was def kinda gay.
Pareene, we know you're not an asscheek motorboater, but have you been reading the Fagat Guide's "Why You Are Gay" posts?

Monday, November 05, 2007

The Ugly Side (and Back, and Balls) Of Gay Drug Abuse

Um. This is the best blog post ever, passed on to us from our Tall and Handsome Friend. We were just thinking the other day, as we walked past all the weird old men in drag who sometimes hang out at Boysroom during the week, that sometimes New York is the most busted city in the world. But clearly, it has NOTHING on DC. If you think the pic on the left is funny/mysterious, you have to read the rest of the post. There is, as they say, a lot of crack in it, so it's NSFW. Except in the way that will make you forward it on to all of your co-workers immediately.

Crack is Whack [Knee Deep in Mud]

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Fred Phelps Loses, Also Wins

So the father of a dead soldier won nearly $11 million from hatemonger Fred Phelps and his family, after they protested around the funeral of his son. The Phelps family has lately taken to doing such things, as they think the Iraq war is somehow a punishment for American tolerance of homosexuality. We were delighted with the news (we're interested to see whether Phelps have that kind of money, which will surely be revealing about what their real motives in all of this are – plus, they deserved the legal slap), but something Phelps said on the Today show this morning made us uneasy. "We got more and we're getting more appropriate news coverage than anything we've ever done," he said, adding that he was delighted by the verdict. How do you fight against someone whose main goal is to make you want to fight? You can't, but hopefully by tying their financial strings, we're making progress.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween Isn't Always For Being A Whore - Sometimes It's For Being An Object Of Ridicule

So there's this eager intern in our office who asked the intern manager the other day if our workplace is one where people get dressed up for Halloween. The intern manager, knowing that this is exactly the opposite of that kind of place, said "…..sure."

Today we came into the office to find said intern decked out head to toe in drag, with a flawless Lucille Bluth costume. There was even a martini on the desk beside his keyboard.

Not a single other person in our open newsroom wore a costume, not even a funny hat.

And you know what? Contrary to what we expected, it kind of made the kid the coolest guy in the office. Nice.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Happy Power Bottom Appreciation Day!

One of our very favorite Power Bottoms (you know who you are! As do many, many Fagats readers!) forwarded us this blog post. It commemorates a day we should all recognize, honoring a group of gays that we here at Fagats hold very dear to our hearts.
It's the one day of the year that we recognize those power bottoms who continue to astonish us with their mad skillz. This is not to be confused with Bubble Butt Bonanza Day, which occurs on the last Friday of April. In case you've been living under a rock, a power bottom is a man who enthusiastically takes it up the butt. He enjoys it, never winces, is an aggressive participant, and usually begs for more. They are a treasure and must be showered with admiration. Take the poll at the bottom (har, har) to let us know what you enjoy the most. PBs set themselves apart from lazy bottoms (yawn), dirty bottoms (ew), and tops masquerading as bottoms (stop, it hurts).
Oh, Power Bottoms. Where would we be without you? In an uncomfortable position, that's where.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Someone At Details Slept With A Rich Gay Foreigner

For a long time, Details was our favorite magazine. We have no idea why – the writing is strange and neither relevant nor clever. The pictures of the boys are hot but they were often too fully-clothed. It must be something to do with the heavy, sexy feel of a fashion magazine, combined with the pages and pages of things that would make us look fabulous. Except we will never be rich enough to afford any of them, so that doesn't make sense either. But anyway, Details is finally catching up with every other magazine in the world and releasing some of their content on the web. Such as this story, about gay "sexpats," who are rich heirs who come to the US to live out their sexually free ways among the perverts in this Godforsaken land. "From Oscar Wilde's years in France to Paul Bowles' infamous forays into Morocco to Gore Vidal's legendary Amalfi hideaway, gay men have long gone into exile when their carnal desires clashed with cultural constraints," the mag writes. Oh, yeah. That's why we used to love Details so much. Because it's the most faggoty piece of crap on the newsstand.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Top Model + Jeopardy = Truly Awe Inspiring Television

We discovered an amazing new show last night. JJ, JS and I were enjoying a lovely dinner when all of a sudden we hear the voice of Ben Stein introducing a new reality show, "America's Most Smartest Model." Yes, that's right.
Fourteen models, (7 men, 7 women) all of whom think they could be the smartest in America, will live together as they compete to determine which of them has what it takes to be dubbed "America's Most Smartest Model" -- The perfect combination of Beauty and Brains.

Let's face it, we would still watch the show if it included only 14 women, but the addition of 7 (HOT!) men makes this show a new staple of our Sunday Nights (or any night of the week since apparently it is on everyday). Behold:

I am not as hot when I smile since I have big teeth.

No, these are not photo-shopped in.

Last night the first challenge was a spelling bee (F-E-N-D-I), but the big challenge was the "walk and talk," where the models stood at the start of the runway, were given a category, and then had to list as many things in that category as they could, while SIMULTANEOUSLY doing a runway walk. This is hard stuff. Brett (above, top) was (shockingly) able to list numerous elements from the periodic table. VJ (above, bottom (ha)) thought that Memphis and Seattle were states. (States are hard, y'all!).

The best performance by far was that of Gaston, an Argentinian model who enjoyed sexually harassing the female models (one of whom said she felt "objectified"). His category was "things that smell bad." His list included "armpits, farts, feet, dirty underwear, dirty socks," and, of course, " dirty penis." When asked by Ben Stein if he actually said "dirty penis," he responded, "what, does it not smell bad?" So true, Gaston, so true.

Who farted? What? It wasn't me!

Off camera, Gaston then added, "if they don't like it, they can suck it." Whether he was referring to the dirty penis, his penis, or his dirty penis, we will never know. Sadly, Gaston got the boot.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Okay, We're Just Going To Say It.

Cody, the groom who we've been watching on the Today Show Wedding Special for weeks, is a HUGE FLAMER.

That's all.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Breaking: People Sometimes Repeatedly Sleep With People Whom They Are Not Interested In Dating!

In an enlightening expose of the underground world of “Friends With Benefits,” the Times reports that “research, conducted among Michigan State University students, confirmed previous findings that most college students report having had at least one such relationship.” NO WAY!

Also, “in addition to budding romances…the “friends” may also be former lovers who occasionally see each other or they may be people who hang out at the same places and now and then end up wrapped around each other, even though they are not really friends.” OMG! Please stop, this is too too shocking.

Luckily, the study makes no indication of whether the "125 young men and women" surveyed were gay or straight, so for now we are going to assume they are all straight, and that such things NEVER happen in our community...

Monday, October 01, 2007

It's Been So Long That If This Site Wasn't Bookmarked We Would Have Had A Hard Time Finding It...

Well well well. Fancy seeing us here. We apologize (especially to Bigmouth) for our prolonged absence from the internets. We have no new job, and no other blogs that required our attention. Really, we only have entire seasons of shows on DVD,, and the new Fall lineup to blame for our amazing display of laziness. But now that we actually do have craploads to do, we thought we would avoid doing it and once again start commenting on all things gay. To begin our reentry into the blogosphere, we want to recap our cab experience on Saturday, circa 3:22am. The below is not made up.

The scene is 8th Avenue and 52nd Street. FW runs to the street corner and flails arms in hopes of catching a taxi cab, (hopefully one without GPS as FW feels as if he might puke all over it and then feel bad that the cab driver spent all this money out of his own pocket to install it after that whole strike thing did not work out). A cab pulls over and FW enters.

FW: Hi. [Redacted] street and [Redacted] Avenue please.
Cabbie: Excuse me, can I ask you something?
FW (slurring): Sure.
Cabbie: Are you gay?
FW (still slurring): Um…yes.
Cabbie: I thought so. I have all these gay in my cab, and they ask me to take them to the club, but I only know this “Splash” place so I take them there.
FW (stops slurring): Huh. You should stop. That place is terrible.
Cabbie: So where I should take them, man?
FW: Tuesdays, take them to Bowery Bar, Wednesday the Phoenix, Thursday at Pop Rocks, and the weekends at Mr. Blacks or Hells Kitchen bars. Mondays they should take the night off.
Cabbie: Wow, you know all the places!! Here, I have my gay friend on phone, please talk to him. (Hands FW his Bluetooth).
FW (back to slurring): Um…hello?
Friend: Hey dude. You gay?
FW: Um…yes.
Friend: You going to Splash tonight?
FW: Not so much. It’s 3:30am.
Friend: Well I’m getting ready to go, man. You should come, man!
FW: Great. Have fun. (Hands Bluetooth back to Cabbie).
(to Cabbie): You’re not going to Splash?
Cabbie: No way man! I like pussy!
FW (holding back puke): Riiiiight. Have fun. Mwah mwah!

And to think we almost gave up taxis recently...

Friday, September 21, 2007

CGI Cock Shots - Film's New "Locker Room Shower"

So, we couldn't help but have our interest piqued by this Towleroad post about the upcoming CGI Beowulf film, in which writer Roger Avary discusses how he feels about showing a cartoonized Ray Winstone fighting monsters in only his (magnificent) birthday suit:
"When I wrote it, I envisaged the character of Den in the Heavy Metal comic. Den was a character by Richard Corben, who was easily one of my favorite artists. [Den] was this muscular guy with a gigantic schlong. He would always go into battle and beat the hell out of people, totally in the buff. He never wore clothes. That kind of stuck with me. I love it when somebody takes something like a fight — or really any event — and twists it to the point where you're naked doing it. Also, there was a proud tradition of berserkers going into battle naked. It just shows how fearless you are. I don't know about you, but if someone came at me, like, 'Aaaaargh!' naked, I'd be, 'Whoa!' Had we done it [like] Richard Corben's Den, the MPAA would have had huge, huge problems. As it is, I think the movie is going to have to achieve a more tempered rating. I don't think that we're going to be [seeing] Beowulf's gigantic, you know, baby's-arm-holding-an-apple-sized schlong onscreen. However, because this is performance-capture, it's not inconceivable that, at some point down the road, they simply re-render, widen-out shots, move things out of the way and put together a hard-R or NC-17 version of the movie."
We just went to the movie's website to see their adult only trailer (you have to put in your birthdate to see it), which features a CGI Angelina Jolie in the buff, but only a split second of Winstone's ass. Is it pathetic that, while this isn't a movie we'd normally see (it doesn't seem to bear much relation to the "Beowulf" we read in freshman Lit), the addition of a giant cartoon penis would probably make us rent the DVD?

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Someone's Finally Hitting Hard on Post Homophobia

We've been really appreciating Jeff Bercovici's coverage of the New York Post's homophobia lately. And today he really drives the point home: practically no gays work there. Read his column today to hear all about the Post's institutionalized prejudice. Also, admire his pic - while not gay, he certainly is dreamy....

Monday, September 17, 2007

The Cock's Liquor License Under Review! Crotch Grabbing in East Village Threatened!

Just so everyone knows, the Cock's liquor license is up for review this week. They've had complaints so it may not be an easy pass (we totally wish we knew what the complaints were! "Men drinking on the sidewalk…Men smoking on the sidewalk…Men too loud on the sidewalk…Men blocking the sidewalk…Men fucking on the sidewalk…). It makes us think back to the first time we went there, during our first summer in New York. It was back when it was the Hole and the basement was used for sex and drugs (well, we saw sex, but as for drugs, back then we didn't know what to look for). At one point a giant muscleman with a shaved head and a ten-pack walked up to us and grabbed our crotch. We were so scared/confused/drunk/slightly turned on that we nearly passed out. Thankfully, we didn't stay at the bar long – and we don't go there often these days. We've begun to start seeing people we know every time we go, and that's never good. Now, for the best "ugly people getting blowjobs" viewing, we know to go to Boysroom.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Well, hello.

So in order to explain why the hell we haven't been writing, we thought we'd give you a little insight into our daily life. See, we got this new job lately. Instead of actual newspaper reporting, we now write a blog. Which is so taxing that by the end of the day, we're not as eager to write on our personal blog. But we will keep trying. Anyway, because we write a blog, we start work from home, and then go into the office around noon. That means that when we begin typing away, our first gay roommate is making coffee and getting ready for work. After a little bit, our second gay roommate gets up and drinks the rest of the coffee, and tries to distract us from our work. This is sort of a fun way to start the day, but also a bit taxing since both first gay roommate AND second gay roommate are huge whores and there's always some sort of drama/man in the apartment in the morning. To our knowledge, first gay roommate and second gay roommate have yet to hook up.

The upside of all of this gayness is that we've started having more dinner parties. The downside of it is that none of us are actually stylish gays, so the apartment isn't any nicer. Anyway, now the main question seems to be when to have our first underwear party. Will it be too chilly in October?

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Tastelessness - Now, With Taste!

Wow, it's been a while since we've had an offensive joke from a (former) co-worker. Here goes:

Why is Michael Jackson like caviar?

They both come on little white crackers.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Larry Craig?

Our dear friend Bates (a.k.a. "Golden Delicious") sent us over this link today, because we got a new gay roommate (more on that later), bringing our apartment 'motal up to three:

Maybe Craig can buy "gay offsets"

By now you've most likely heard of Idaho Senator Larry Craig's [alleged] dalliance in a men's airport bathroom. The pundits have been out in force with the hypocrisy charges, and rightly so considering Craig's past stances and actions. But considering how often liberals react when conservatives question people like Al Gore and other "greens" about their own hypocrisy, I'm wondering when we'll hear these same libs wondering about "why shoot the messenger" and saying "but isn't the real issue ..." regarding the Craig incident.

Perhaps Craig can be like many Hollywood dopes (and Al Gore) but instead of purchasing carbon offsets he can buy gay offsets to "reduce his gay footprint" (or, more accurately, his "wide stance").

Goldy's suggestion to us was, "Maybe you guys could sell gay offsets to Republicans on the side?" Not a bad idea!

Monday, August 27, 2007

They've Really Put Their Finger In It. Um, On It.

Now, to be clear, we love Gayz of Our Lives, but we have to say – these clips that they've captured (hilariously) pretty much encapsulates why we are terrified of going to Fire Island.

If Anyone Saw Us On Friday, That Wasn't Us.

After many weekends out of the city, we were finally able to get out and debauch ourselves over the past couple of days in New York. It all started on Friday night when we took our tall and handsome friend to a US Open party at Ono, where we hoped to ogle Andy Roddick. We waited almost two hours before he did come, and by that time we had helped ourselves prodigiously to the open bar (which served us poorly later). Eventually it got so awfully straight (men in bronzer, women with their asses hanging out) that we had to leave. Our next stop was the birthday party of the glamorous Eric S., who was at Therapy with Dylan P. and Charlie H. There, we ran into Martha Stewart's cute gay nephew who we knew in college. After that, we went to some roof party that some twink was hosting in Hell's Kitchen. Just as we arrived, they ran out of booze, so we went with TAHF to buy two 18 packs of Natural Light to share with everyone (well, one was for everyone, the other was just for us). When we returned, we were delighted to see Lance L., Michael S., and Rocco who we love but whose last name we don't know. And finally, after a night of leading us on, FHC himself arrived from DC, looking extremely tan and gorgeous. Unfortunately the twink who was hosting the party had a panic attack and kicked everyone off the roof before we had finished even one case of Natty Lights, so in a huff TAHF and some of the rest of us stuffed our pockets with beer and skulked out, wandering around in Hell's Kitchen with open containers until we arrived at the Ritz. There, we continued to drink our own shitty beers and dance to music of the lowest caliber, surrounded by people of the highest. Sadly, we were unfit to be seen in public and eventually realized this, and stumbled to a cab.

Whereupon we lost our cell for the first time in our lives and spend the next hour pleading with a cabbie over the phone to return it. We woke up phoneless, with a crippling hangover – but by the end of the day the cabby had returned our phone and we were ready to go out again, this time in Harlem. It was a great reminder of how fun it can be when you stay in town and get off your ass. Happy Birthday Eric!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007


...wait, what?

Why You Are Gay: "Quantum Leap" and "Remington Steele"

When you were little, you probably mostly watched kid television – like "Full House," "Blossom," or "Eureka's Castle." But we're guessing there were a few adult shows that, for whatever reason, you began to follow. For us, those were "Remington Steele," and "Quantum Leap." They were good action shows, with strong plots and not a lot of season-long arc. You could get a great time out of watching just one episode here and there, and not have to worry about following some drawn-out "X-Files" like storyline (we know, we know, "X-Files" is part of why you're gay, too, we'll get to that).

But as you grew older, watching re-runs of "Remington Steele" and "Quantum Leap" became a different experience. You stopped hoping for the part where Scott Bakula zapped himself into another wacky life, and started wishing there were more episodes where he was an Olympic diver. Instead of enjoying the G-rated flirting on "Remington Steele," you wondered why the hell Pierce Brosnan didn't just fuck Stephanie Zimbalist already. So you could watch.

The shows may have gone off the air before you realized you were gay. But every time you see Scott Bakula in an ABC Family Original Movie, we're betting it takes you back some. To a day when, admit it, you thought chest hair was a little bit okay. Kind of nice, even. You know, to nestle your face in. Or taste. Or whatever.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Is This Really M4M, or M4Husband?

So we were forwarded (we swear) the following Craigslist posting, which we really, really love. We'll let it speak for itself:

Hung Stud Seeking Smart, GL, Wall St. ex-Athlete or College Athlete - 22

Reply to:
Date: 2007-08-15, 10:09PM EDT

vgl, masc, smart, hung, very good shape top college guy working on Wall St. looking for a masc, ivy league (minus columbia and cornell) or other comparable college grad who was an athlete (lax, squash, tennis, hockey, alpine skiing, crew, sailing are best) AND is still in great shape, working at a top banking firm (front office only please), Corp Law, or consulting. into WASPY prep school types who are into squash, golf, skiing, art and maybe even knows what a jib halyard is. being well endowed would be icing on the cake. younger than 35 please unless you are exceptional.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Linkage... The Daily Show Is 'Motastic

So we can't seem to get this video onto our site, but check out their Gay debate coverage here!

Man, this whole getting-a-life-and-a-job-thing is really doing a number on us. We liked it better when we just futzed around at work all day and Googlefought our ex-boyfriends!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Don't Cry For Us Fagat Readers, The Truth Is We Never Left You

Hey all – we’re so sorry for not posting last week. We blame it on a combination of getting a new job, having a boyfriend, and not wanting to do anything because it’s August. In other words, it’s not you, it’s us.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

We Really Thought Our People Would Go For John Edwards, Because Of The Flippy Hair.

Did anyone else see this story in Newsweek about Hillary and the gays? You should read it. It's not news that the leading Democratic candidates (who favor abolishing Don't Ask, Don't Tell and support civil partnerships) don't support marriage equality and aren't vocal enough about our rights. But we're glad somebody vocalized something we've been feeling a long time: We kind of love Hillary. For no good reason. Maybe it's because she's mom-like, maybe it's because she's almost a powerful black woman, or maybe it's just because she pops her collars – for whatever reason, it's there. God, we're so fucking predictable.

Monday, August 06, 2007

We Have Never Once, In The Eight Years We've Been Going, Heard A Gay Discuss Politics At Beige. Is That Sad?

Our old pal Jamie Kirchick just had an essay in the Boston Globe about being persecuted by his fellow gays because he’s a Republican. You should read the essay, because it’s an interesting point of view. Something that annoys us about New York is that everyone automatically assumes that everyone in a discussion (especially among gays) is liberal. That’s close-minded, and not terribly dissimilar from assuming that everyone around you is heterosexual, or Christian, or rich – if they are not, it can be uncomfortable.

But Kirchick makes the same generalizations about gay liberals that he accuses them of making about Republicans:

“For many gays, liberalism is just as much a visceral, reactionary tendency as it is a positive affirmation of political belief. Many gays I know – especially those from red states – blame conservatism writ large as the villain that repressed them for so many years. Thus, their homosexuality dictates their political views on everything. For these gays, it is just as much a part of the "coming out" process to be a loud liberal as a proud homosexual.”
That’s a blanket statement which discredits the many gay men and women who have extremely nuanced political views. Sure - being gay can heighten one’s attention to politics (it has for us), it doesn’t necessarily make you a reactionary fool. What Jamie is saying is akin to believing that all conservatives who call for immigration reform are inherently racist. Sure, some are – but to generalize in that manner is unfair to the many that aren’t.

We think what Jamie is trying to articulate is the suspicion that some gay people have for some straight conservatives, who they worry might be bigoted deep down. Because homosexuality is so natural for us, it’s hard to understand why someone would object to it logically unless they had some inherent disgust with the concept. But that doesn’t seem to apply to his thesis – which is about liberal gays rejecting conservative gays. Quite frankly, if the person you are dating wants to break up with you because of political concerns – we just think one or the other of you is talking about it way too much.

Plus, the gays all know everybody’s got their own problems in the bedroom. Republicans take too long to finish, and Dems pull out too early. Badda bing!

Sunday, August 05, 2007

We Promise, We Do Things That Aren't Heteronormative. Sometimes.

You're going to begin to think that all we do is attend weddings.

But we promise, this will be our last post about our friends' nuptials for the summer. We just couldn't resist this one, because it was so Fagats worthy. See, on Saturday night we attended the lovely marriage ceremony of a good straight friend from college. It was short and sweet, which we appreciated, and featured only two readings, one of which was from "The Velveteen Rabbit." The other, which we didn't at first couldn't place, began like this:
"Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations...."
Those of you from Massachusetts may recognize these as the opening sentences of the State Supreme Court decision in "Goodridge v. Board of Health." The sentences directly following that quote, which went unsaid at on Saturday night but whose message was loud and clear, are here:
"The question before us is whether, consistent with the Massachusetts Constitution, the Commonwealth may deny the protections, benefits, and obligations conferred by civil marriage to two individuals of the same sex who wish to marry. We conclude that it may not."
The bride and groom are, obviously, not gay, but in addition to liking the eloquent sentiments in the reading, they wanted to give a nod to their gay friends and family members that their version of marriage is one that was all-inclusive. It was, we thought, touching and wise.

As was the moment when the bride had to step in to force the DJ to play Rihanna's "Umbrella." Go Kim!

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Perhaps The Baby In Her Belly Is Thinking For Two.

Queerty points out that today, Elisabeth Hasselbeck vocalized some of her most liberal sentiments to date - about gay marriage, of all things. It's funny that this happened after Radical Rosie stopped beating her up about everything and putting her on the defensive.

We can't wait for the tortured sexual politics that will come into play when Whoopi is on board!

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Amen, Sister

You've probably all seen this clip already - it's Faith Hill going ballistic on a fan after she grabbed the package of Faith's husband, Tim McGraw. We know Faith has gone regrettably nutso before, but in this case, we think she's awesome. Especially when she makes a cupping gesture, to demonstrate specifically what type of ball touching is not allowed.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Well, We Know Somebody’s Got A Gimmick.

Well, we thought our last Sunday was pretty gay. But this most recent Sunday might have just topped it. Last night we went with our tall and handsome friend to Patti Lupone’s final performance at Encores, as Mama Rose in “Gypsy.”

We expected it to be a mo-heavy audience, but we were not prepared for the gayhem that ensued. There were queens everywhere (including Barbara Walters!), and the line for the men’s room was easily four times the length of that for the ladies’ room.

We loved the show very much, and loved being seen with a handsome date among so many theater trolls. But we were completely blown away by the ending. Not by Patti Lupone’s (admittedly stunning) rendition of “Rose’s Turn,” but by the utter pandemonium that rocked the City Center when it ended. The crowd was on their feet for at least fifteen minutes. Men were screaming and weeping. And then, just when people seemed to be calming down, Patti pulled Steven Sondheim onto the stage.

It was like the apocalypse. We actually fled before the applause ended, for fear of we might never get out. On the way, we overheard Babwa say to her date for the evening, Frank Langhella, “Well, it certainly was a MAWvewous pufowmance.”

Oh, Babs. When you’re right, you’re right.

Friday, July 27, 2007

You Know You Are Gay When You Make Your Dog Try On A Dozen Outfits Every Time You Go To PetCo.

In 2002, when we left for our senior year of college, we took our family dog, Sophie, with us. She was already a little old lady Shih Tzu, who preferred the company of people over dogs (see picture, with our housemate Derrick). She used to follow us from room to room, wherever we went, and preferred to be carried rather than walking herself. She was a big hit with the college crowd (one time our roommates got her stoned and she rolled around on the carpet with vertigo for an hour) and enjoyed going to parties. We used to imagine that she had the voice and personality of Angela Lansbury, and that as she sat in the corner of a room full of drunken seniors, she’d look around and begin singing, in her head, “Tale as old as time…”

It was with her that we first realized, a gay man with an attitude can take a small dog anywhere, even restaurants and grocery stores.

Sophie died yesterday at the ripe old age of 15. As anybody who has ever had a dog knows, they become a very important part of your life. We have specific childhood memories of explaining to Sophie, and our other dog Ribsy, things that we didn’t feel comfortable discussing with anybody else. It sounds absurd, but sometimes it really helped to get things out – including, as we recall, the fact that we were gay. Our dogs probably knew before anybody else did. (Oh, let’s be honest, they knew ever since that time we made them wear mittens before going out to play in the snow).

Yesterday, our big brother reminded us of an old Will Rogers quote, which we find to be quite true:

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”

We should be so lucky.

Thursday, July 26, 2007


It was sixth grade. You were in social studies, getting nervous to get up and talk about your Current Event. You had the newspaper clipping about Clarence Thomas, or the Persian Gulf, spread out on your Formica desktop, with your pens lined up in the long groove along the top. Then, suddenly, as your teacher was writing something on the whiteboard, the girl next to you slipped a folded up piece of lined paper, shaped into a tiny triangle.

You got excited. You looked around and unfolded it. Tiny, swirly handwriting filled the page. A note! From one of your many platonic girlfriends! It may have included Green Day lyrics, or drawings, or nothing meaningful at all. Probably, it cattily analyzed the behavior of another one of your girlfriends, who was caught up in another dating permutation with guy in your small group of friends. Or talked about Ethan Hawke vs. Christian Bale. More than once, it probably contained the following quote from “My So-Called Life”:

"People always say how you should be yourself, like 'yourself' is this definite thing, like a toaster or something. Like you can know what it is, even. But every so often, I'll have like, a moment, when just being myself in my life, right where I am, is like, enough."
You quickly got to work writing your response.

You may have passed only small notes. You may have spent recess time in a corner, avoiding the rope swings and the endless games of Red Rover, scribbling away. It was an effort to get out what you were feeling inside, and a secret way of bonding with your female friends, without getting romantic.

You probably eventually started collecting the notes, in a shoebox or a jar. As the carefully folded pieces of lined book paper began to accumulate, you thought about how fun it would be to read them when you got older, to catch a glimpse into your growing pre-adolescent mind.

Years later, if you did find the notes and read them, you probably did have fun reading them. “Man,” you might have thought. “I was a fag even before ‘White Squall.’”

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Beyonce's Hair Is Invincible.

This clip, borrowed from Perez Hilton, is truly delicious. At about 1:30, Beyonce takes a huge nosedive down a set of stairs. After less than two seconds, she's up again, whipping her hair around to recover.

Maybe she really IS a superhero!

Monday, July 23, 2007

We Woke Up Feeling Satin and Depressed.

What did you do last night? Hiro perhaps? Did you have a vodka soda in a plastic cup and flirt with a boy in American Apparel undies? Maybe makeout with a summer intern from Dubuque?

Even if you ended up splayed out on the stage of the Hole, acting like a Chinese Penis Trap for two Colt stars, you couldn’t have had a gayer night than we did:

8:00 pm: We started out at a friend’s house, where he made fondue and we watched the digitally re-mastered version of “Liza with a Z.”
9:30 pm: After a lot of Chardonnay, our host decided to play the D.A. Pennebaker documentary about the original cast recording of “Company,” with Stephen Sondheim and Elaine Stritch.
10:00 pm: We attended the closing night of the bar Rose’s Turn. If you’re under 50, that’s the lovable piano bar where decaying queens used to go sing along with the classics. Our co-worker calls it a “wrinkle room.” Gay dad and “SVU: star BD Wong was there, singing along with “Cabaret.”
11:00 pm: We decamped for Marie’s Crisis, the only slightly less tragic piano bar one door down from Rose’s. We were beginning to worry that somebody might see us. Just when we thought it couldn’t be any gayer, we spotted Vogue’s Hamish Bowles in a corner wearing gingham pants. This was topped moments later by Project Runway’s Malan Breton, who got up and sang “Mame.”

Next weekend we were supposed to attend the infamous bi-annual “No Diving” gay toga party out in the Hamptons, but we’re afraid if we go, we’ll spontaneously combust.

Friday, July 20, 2007


We love it when Anderson Cooper makes inside jokes where nobody is actually on the outside. (We stole this clip from Perez Hilton, watch until Anderson's quiet comment at the end, and Erica's nervous laughter...)

Where Do Homosexuals Get All Their Energy?

We love this essay from the Onion.
For me, just shopping for a new pair of shoes is exhausting. I try on maybe one or two new pairs, and I'm ready to call it a day. But a homosexual can sit for hours in Barney's tirelessly trying on dozens of pairs, and when he finds the one he wants, why, he's ready to wear those shoes out to a homosexual club and dance all night. What vim!
We've got to start using the word "vim" more frequently.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

True Friends Talk About Puke Together.

Allow us to introduce one of our very best fag hags, who has just started blogging. We met Noelle at a black tie dinner years ago, when Sargent Shriver was making some speech about something, and Eunice Shriver was tottering in a corner looking like Skeletor. The whole event was alcohol free (we were in college!) so we spent it running to the bathroom to do shots, and also talking about our best vomit stories. Ever since then, we have been obviously very close.

We believe our contribution to the conversation that night was the time that we projectile vomited into a mirror as we were drunkenly trying to pop zits (we were in high school!), which was pretty appalling.

Since then by far our best ralphing story was the time Adrian Grenier bought us a margarita at Starlight and then we went home and yuked on our wall (it was last year!).

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Supermarket Sweep

There were times when you were young when nobody was around, and you were left with the remote. This is when you took control of the TV and unabashedly watched random, slightly effeminate programming, just because you could. Maybe you developed a taste for “The Mary Tyler Moore” show on Nick at Nite (or, let’s be honest, “Rhoda”). Perhaps you just watched soap operas or Talk Soup. You might have even watched “Body by Jake!” (Oh Jake, even your muscles couldn’t catch all those orphaned dreams.)

But we’re betting that every time you came across it, you were riveted by “Supermarket Sweep.”

The show was flawless. You learned about household supplies, you developed a fastidious eagerness for earning small amounts of money, and you got to watch “best friends” dress in matching polo shirts and frolick around a grocery store. You had no idea why, but every time they raced around the supermarket, throwing items in their cards (“Get five turkeys!” “Don’t forget the garden hoses, they’re worth a lot!” “Grab more laundry detergent!” “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GRIND THE COFFEE FASTER YOU LAZY QUEEN!”), you got a warm special feeling inside.

Now, every time you get satisfaction from buying an extraneous set of Oxo measuring spoons or fancy spice tins, you probably understand that feeling better. As a child, they were part of the domestic world that you wanted to join - but were banned from because your parents thought you should spend your afternoons in Little League (even though you reliably hit the tee instead of the ball in Tee Ball). Now, every kitchen accessory that you purchase, and every whole chicken that you roast (better than your mom ever could, thank you very much) is a small victory for creating your own home life exactly the way you want it.

Oh, yeah – and if you’re getting fucked in the ass on the kitchen counter, you really don’t want any shoddy products lying around.

Are We The Last People On Earth To Post This?

From a REAL dental ad airing in Queens.

If you don't get it, the YouTube title for this clip is "My Wife? My ass."...

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

So Fucking True.

From Overheard In New York:

Queer #1: I need to lose some weight for the summer.

Queer #2: When I was in the hospital I lost 10 pounds in three days. What you need is a good trauma to get you started.

--Houston & Sullivan

Have You Ever Noticed That She's The Only Candidate's Spouse Who Actually Looks Like A Mom?

We're curious what you guys think about this whole Elizabeth Edwards pro-gay marriage thing.

See, we like Elizabeth Edwards. We understand why she and her husband continued with the campaign, we think she's smart, incredibly brave, and surprisingly real. But like it or not, when she decided to go on stumping for her husband in the face of her deadly cancer, she assumed a far more pivotal role than any other candidate spouse (maybe even more than Bill Clinton, who can be excused for having his own opinions because, well, he used to be the most powerful man in the world). Elizabeth can raise as much money as John, she's better at earning headlines, and she has incredible draw as a speaker.

John Edwards has essentially endowed his wife with a co-candidate role. Which is fine, except they're not preaching exactly the same message. Elizabeth is touting marriage equality to the gays, which is sure to draw many to her camp. But that's not what we're going to get if John is elected. I'm not suggesting that gays are too dumb to understand this, but sometimes the positive feelings that are engendered by a touching speech or an inspiring interview is all it takes to earn a vote.

It feels like the Edwards are trying to have it both ways with the gays, who are a high-income, politically active group among the Democrats. In a race between leading Dem candidates with virtually identical positions on marriage equality, there's no way that this won't give Edwards a (false) edge.

We think it's fine for Elizabeth to disagree with John Edwards. But as a co-candidate, to keep emphasizing this point (and to not adequately explain her husband's position) is essentially false advertising.

Are we being naive? Are we underestimating the gays? We're not sure. We just miss the days of Teresa Heinz Kerry. It was so much easier to decide things with the potential of having a drunken drag queen in the office.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Far. She’s Been Traveling Far. Without A Home - But Not Without A Star.

Amazing. We just got a sneak preview of Victoria Beckham’s one-hour special, “Victoria Beckham, Coming to America.” Rather than moving to Queens and working at McDowells, she moves to LA and sits by the pool.

We wanted to hate her, and sort of did throughout the first few minutes of the show. But after a while, her positive attitude about America and moments of dry humor really won us over. We think the gays will really like her.

Things we learned about Victoria include:

1) She knows how to smile and actually looks cute doing so.
2) She knows that people wonder why the hell she doesn’t smile, yet makes no effort to change (As she walks out of a Coffee Bean, after confronting Perez Hilton at his “office,” she says quietly, “I’m leaving, got to get depressed,” before she changes her expression to her trademark pout for the cameras.
3) She is still touchy about her husband’s infidelity (when an assistant asks whether she will have to do any work for her husband, Victoria stonily asks, “Why, would you like to? Do you find him attractive?”)
4) Her boobs are fake, and they’re spectacular.

We’re totally on team VB. We’re already practicing, per her advice, to make a face like an inflatable sex doll next time we see the paparazzi.

The Worst Part Is, We Haven't!

Last night we went to our friend Lock’s “Going Away From Gawker” party on the Lower East Side. We were standing with our tall and handsome friend, and one of our best gays, Jesse O., when a prominent New York theater critic came up to us.

“Hey guys,” he said, shaking hands with the group. “Seen ‘Xanadu’ yet?”

Gaycial Profiling! Oh, the shame.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Great Gays Think Alike.

Our friend David was watching "Murder, She Wrote," the other day, by coincidence, and was musing about how the show made HIM gay. Here, he breaks down the gay cause and effect a little but more clearly:
Here is an independent woman living alone (widowed young apparently)
completely disengaged from any reliance on a man, who lives in a charming
sea side town. She travels, visiting her long list of friends who are
either wealthy, accomplished, attractive or all of the above. She is
famous, in the good way, kind of a like Carrie Bradshaw, just enough name
recognition to make people suck up to you.

Her "example" though that drove you to Sodom town: She is a feisty biatch
who always stands up for the wrongly accused. She beats the arrogant, macho
and dismissive police detectives not with muscle but with smarts. In each
episode's "J'accuse!" scene, she stands up to the murderer fearlessly and
explains how he/she did it, proving once again that this outsider has
everyone's number.

Recap: Female empowerment + rich people + emasculating male members of
authority + champion of the innocent victims of circumstance = you like it
when men sit on your face.
It's so true. We do love it when men sit on our faces!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Not Gay, But Worthy Of Gay Incredulity.


Is It Possible To Be Hard On Gays, But Soft On Cashmere?

John McCain shows even more how little he understands gays when he accuses the Bill Cosby sweaters that he wears of being faggy, and therefore somehow deep-sixing his campaign.

Hello, John, every gay knows that sweaters are for people with NECKS.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: "Murder, She Wrote."

Recently, while on a road trip, we were stuck in the backseat of a Honda Accord with our tall and handsome friend. The two girls in the front of the car were asking questions from a box of Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture cards. They ran the gamut from “Punky Brewster” to dancing Yeltsin to “Die Harder,” and we were all pretty much doing equally well. Then came this question:

“In what Maine town does Jessica Fletcher live on ‘Murder, She Wrote’?”

The girls were silent, but us two gays in the back shrieked at the same time, “Cabot Cove!”

There was an awkward pause, after which we hugged TAHF and quietly thanked him for dating us.

“Murder, She Wrote” was “The Golden Girls” for gays who weren’t queer. Many people thought the show was repetitive and obvious (and that Jessica Fletcher was clearly a murderer because wherever she went, people immediately croaked). But we’re betting that you had a weird fascination with the show. You may not have known about Angela Lansbury’s legendary Broadway past, but something about her drew you in. If you were like us, you may have even forced your family to go on the “Murder, She Wrote” “ride” at Universal Studios, instead of the “Jaws” boat. (In that case, we’re betting your older brother also beat you up in the hotel later).

Whatever the case, by the time you got to the age where you were digging up vintage “Mame” recordings and watching old VHS’s of “Bedknobs and Broomsticks,” you were already hooked. How could you have known dear old Angela was a gateway drug that would lead you straight to the cockpipe?

Heterosexuality Never Looked So British.

Our pal JustJared came across these amazing pics of Posh and Becks in the upcoming issue of W. The scan quality isn’t great, but wow. David Beckham looks like an orgasm in those white briefs.

We used to wonder how they managed to not kill each other in a house together when they both have such annoying voices. Now we realize, we could talk or not talk to David Beckham for hours…

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

This is Lance Bass's new boyfriend. We are assuming that someone with that pretty of a face has the conversational skills of a guppy. But even if he does, that puts him several species higher than Lance's ex Reichen on the evolutionary entertainment scale. Go Lance!

ps - something is wrong with blogger and won't let us do titles or post videos. Boo!
We (Bigmouth and Fishwatch) were at another wedding this weekend. It was between two very close friends of ours, a pair of blond WASPs with hearts of gold and pants of madras. Fishwatch even sang at the ceremony – a song about Jesus christ! In a Church! Don’t tell Vishnu!

It was a beautiful weekend, and the wedding and reception were straight out of Town & Country. Until the couple’s first dance, that is, when they did an entire choreographed routine to “The Promise” by When In Rome (you may recall this scene from Napoleon Dynamite). It was, knowing them, appropriately touching and hilarious.

Sometimes we spend entire wedding ceremonies daydreaming about our own future wedding. Come on – you know you do it to. But during this one, we couldn’t stop thinking about how happy our friends will be, for the rest of their lives.

Congratulations, Will and Bates. We’re couldn’t be more proud.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

WHY YOU ARE GAY: The Sound of Music

Okay, this may be obvious, but think about it. There were a lot of gay movies that your parents encouraged you to watch when you were little: Mary Poppins... The Wizard of Oz... The Wiz... Return to Oz... Howard the Duck... But none stuck like before to your lower colon so much as "The Sound of Music." It got you like Arlene got Garfield.

You knew all of the words to the songs, and you would sing them as you walked around the house - perhaps even bobbing to "Do Re Mi" like the children in the movie, in their new curtain lederhosen. You may have even dreamed of auditioning for one of the young roles in the show at a nearby community theater. You could never get over the bravery of the nuns for hiding Maria and her family. And something about Max Detweiler really spoke to you, but you couldn't put your finger on it.

Why wasn't your family exuberant and musical, you may have pouted. Where was your spunky governess with the voice of an angel? And how on earth did they really pull off that puppet show??

Whatever it was about "The Sound of Music," it changed something within you. Every time you went camping with your family, you imagined you were musically fleeing the Nazis. Every time something bad happened, you sang "My Favorite Things." Every time you passed a gazebo, you imagined you were Liesl, and Rolf was about to take you in his arms.

Yeah, you were okay until that last one. After that, you were gay for good.

It's Bad Enough That Kathy Griffin Is A Re-Run.

Man, being at home with your parents is boring. Very few gay things happen. Except today, when we were talking with our Dad about our friends back in NYC. He asked about our most recent ex-boyfriend, and we told him about how we ran into him at Beige recently with his replacement bf. We said we were extremely proud to be seen there on the arm of our tall and handsome friend, but refrained from voicing our true opinion of the ex these days.

Our dear, straight, manly dad looked at us.

"Hm," he said, nodding sagely. "He got fat, didn't he."

And to think we were ever afraid to tell this man we were gay.

Monday, July 02, 2007

We're Still Rooting For Lenny And Carl To Finally Make It.

Simpsons mania has started up already - certain 7-11s across the country have been changed into Kwik-E Marts and are selling collectible Springfield merchandise as an effort to drum up hype for the movie.

The Advocate also has the Simpsons on its cover this week. We were one of the writers that was approached to write the piece a while back, but they ended up going with a different guy(perhaps because we use bizarre constructions like "we were one.")

When you think about it, The Simpsons really did make it okay to laugh about gay people - the right way. The initially homophobic Homer Simpson was basically Archie Bunker, except even more ridiculous (as when he starts performing gay weddings). And remember how cleverly they handled Patty's coming out episode - where her lesbian lover turned out to be a man, and instead of winding up with him, she dumped him because he had a penis?

Care to discuss your favorite gay Simpsons episodes? We'd reminisce, but we're too busy thinking about how we could have been getting a fat paycheck this week...

Sunday, July 01, 2007

BREAKING: Old People Not Genetically Required To Be Bigoted.

FYI - Bigmouth is on vacation this week, so posting might be a little light. Right now, we are sitting at our grandmother's computer (whose internet connection appears to be based upon the "two Dixie Cups and a length of yarn" model), but we wanted to relay a little anecdote:

See, our great uncle (brother to said grandmother) was gay. We never really knew him, but he was very successful and had a partner of nearly 30 years. According to our granny, they were "extremely devoted to each other." For the first time, we got up the nerve today to ask her about him, and what his life was like as a gay man in the forties, fifties and sixties. She said that it was odd - there weren't many people living openly like him and his partner. But if there was any negative reaction, she never heard about it.

"People wouldn't dare say anything to me," she said, "because it was obvious how much I loved them."

We've never been sure about what our older queer relative meant about us being gay, genetically. But in light of what we talked about last week during Pride, this seems particularly relevant.

And meanwhile - to our brother, if you're reading this, you're so not inheriting the Winslow Homer from her. She already gave us her grandmother's wedding china. You may be able to have the great-grandchildren, but we'll always have the taste.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Now No One Ever Has To Sing This Song Again...

...because no one will ever sing it better than Jennifer Hudson and Jennifer Holliday.

We're glad we got that resolved.