Why You Are Gay: The 'Mr. Owl' Tootsie Roll Pop Commercial

We know it's been a while since we did one of our Why You Are Gay posts, so we hope you'll bear with us. We were just thinking about that old Tootsie Roll Pop commercial, where a naked boy wanders around asking animals about how to lick a pop. We didn't realize it then, but looking back, it's no wonder we don't know how to give head to someone with a foreskin. ("Get rid of that wrapper, let me just attack that sweet stuff underneath!" (Sorry, British ex-boyfriend)). Click above to watch the commercial. First you've got the turtle with the penis head bobbing up and down, then you've got the owl with the testicle eyes. And finally, you are faced with just a row of slowly melting lollipops, which get more and more cock-like as the ad ends. Oh, yeah, and like we said, the boy in the ad IS NAKED. Genius target advertising for a young demographic with an oral fixation? Or fag propaganda? You decide.

(Also: Any time anyone ever uses teeth on your own little blow pop, now you know who to blame.)

Why You Are Gay: "Quantum Leap" and "Remington Steele"

When you were little, you probably mostly watched kid television – like "Full House," "Blossom," or "Eureka's Castle." But we're guessing there were a few adult shows that, for whatever reason, you began to follow. For us, those were "Remington Steele," and "Quantum Leap." They were good action shows, with strong plots and not a lot of season-long arc. You could get a great time out of watching just one episode here and there, and not have to worry about following some drawn-out "X-Files" like storyline (we know, we know, "X-Files" is part of why you're gay, too, we'll get to that).

But as you grew older, watching re-runs of "Remington Steele" and "Quantum Leap" became a different experience. You stopped hoping for the part where Scott Bakula zapped himself into another wacky life, and started wishing there were more episodes where he was an Olympic diver. Instead of enjoying the G-rated flirting on "Remington Steele," you wondered why the hell Pierce Brosnan didn't just fuck Stephanie Zimbalist already. So you could watch.

The shows may have gone off the air before you realized you were gay. But every time you see Scott Bakula in an ABC Family Original Movie, we're betting it takes you back some. To a day when, admit it, you thought chest hair was a little bit okay. Kind of nice, even. You know, to nestle your face in. Or taste. Or whatever.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Notes.

It was sixth grade. You were in social studies, getting nervous to get up and talk about your Current Event. You had the newspaper clipping about Clarence Thomas, or the Persian Gulf, spread out on your Formica desktop, with your pens lined up in the long groove along the top. Then, suddenly, as your teacher was writing something on the whiteboard, the girl next to you slipped a folded up piece of lined paper, shaped into a tiny triangle.

You got excited. You looked around and unfolded it. Tiny, swirly handwriting filled the page. A note! From one of your many platonic girlfriends! It may have included Green Day lyrics, or drawings, or nothing meaningful at all. Probably, it cattily analyzed the behavior of another one of your girlfriends, who was caught up in another dating permutation with guy in your small group of friends. Or talked about Ethan Hawke vs. Christian Bale. More than once, it probably contained the following quote from “My So-Called Life”:

"People always say how you should be yourself, like 'yourself' is this definite thing, like a toaster or something. Like you can know what it is, even. But every so often, I'll have like, a moment, when just being myself in my life, right where I am, is like, enough."

You quickly got to work writing your response.

You may have passed only small notes. You may have spent recess time in a corner, avoiding the rope swings and the endless games of Red Rover, scribbling away. It was an effort to get out what you were feeling inside, and a secret way of bonding with your female friends, without getting romantic.

You probably eventually started collecting the notes, in a shoebox or a jar. As the carefully folded pieces of lined book paper began to accumulate, you thought about how fun it would be to read them when you got older, to catch a glimpse into your growing pre-adolescent mind.

Years later, if you did find the notes and read them, you probably did have fun reading them. “Man,” you might have thought. “I was a fag even before ‘White Squall.’”

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Supermarket Sweep

There were times when you were young when nobody was around, and you were left with the remote. This is when you took control of the TV and unabashedly watched random, slightly effeminate programming, just because you could. Maybe you developed a taste for “The Mary Tyler Moore” show on Nick at Nite (or, let’s be honest, “Rhoda”). Perhaps you just watched soap operas or Talk Soup. You might have even watched “Body by Jake!” (Oh Jake, even your muscles couldn’t catch all those orphaned dreams.)

But we’re betting that every time you came across it, you were riveted by “Supermarket Sweep.”

The show was flawless. You learned about household supplies, you developed a fastidious eagerness for earning small amounts of money, and you got to watch “best friends” dress in matching polo shirts and frolick around a grocery store. You had no idea why, but every time they raced around the supermarket, throwing items in their cards (“Get five turkeys!” “Don’t forget the garden hoses, they’re worth a lot!” “Grab more laundry detergent!” “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GRIND THE COFFEE FASTER YOU LAZY QUEEN!”), you got a warm special feeling inside.

Now, every time you get satisfaction from buying an extraneous set of Oxo measuring spoons or fancy spice tins, you probably understand that feeling better. As a child, they were part of the domestic world that you wanted to join - but were banned from because your parents thought you should spend your afternoons in Little League (even though you reliably hit the tee instead of the ball in Tee Ball). Now, every kitchen accessory that you purchase, and every whole chicken that you roast (better than your mom ever could, thank you very much) is a small victory for creating your own home life exactly the way you want it.

Oh, yeah – and if you’re getting fucked in the ass on the kitchen counter, you really don’t want any shoddy products lying around.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: "Murder, She Wrote."

Recently, while on a road trip, we were stuck in the backseat of a Honda Accord with our tall and handsome friend. The two girls in the front of the car were asking questions from a box of Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture cards. They ran the gamut from “Punky Brewster” to dancing Yeltsin to “Die Harder,” and we were all pretty much doing equally well. Then came this question:

“In what Maine town does Jessica Fletcher live on ‘Murder, She Wrote’?”

The girls were silent, but us two gays in the back shrieked at the same time, “Cabot Cove!”

There was an awkward pause, after which we hugged TAHF and quietly thanked him for dating us.

“Murder, She Wrote” was “The Golden Girls” for gays who weren’t queer. Many people thought the show was repetitive and obvious (and that Jessica Fletcher was clearly a murderer because wherever she went, people immediately croaked). But we’re betting that you had a weird fascination with the show. You may not have known about Angela Lansbury’s legendary Broadway past, but something about her drew you in. If you were like us, you may have even forced your family to go on the “Murder, She Wrote” “ride” at Universal Studios, instead of the “Jaws” boat. (In that case, we’re betting your older brother also beat you up in the hotel later).

Whatever the case, by the time you got to the age where you were digging up vintage “Mame” recordings and watching old VHS’s of “Bedknobs and Broomsticks,” you were already hooked. How could you have known dear old Angela was a gateway drug that would lead you straight to the cockpipe?

WHY YOU ARE GAY: The Sound of Music

Okay, this may be obvious, but think about it. There were a lot of gay movies that your parents encouraged you to watch when you were little: Mary Poppins... The Wizard of Oz... The Wiz... Return to Oz... Howard the Duck... But none stuck like before to your lower colon so much as "The Sound of Music." It got you like Arlene got Garfield.

You knew all of the words to the songs, and you would sing them as you walked around the house - perhaps even bobbing to "Do Re Mi" like the children in the movie, in their new curtain lederhosen. You may have even dreamed of auditioning for one of the young roles in the show at a nearby community theater. You could never get over the bravery of the nuns for hiding Maria and her family. And something about Max Detweiler really spoke to you, but you couldn't put your finger on it.

Why wasn't your family exuberant and musical, you may have pouted. Where was your spunky governess with the voice of an angel? And how on earth did they really pull off that puppet show??

Whatever it was about "The Sound of Music," it changed something within you. Every time you went camping with your family, you imagined you were musically fleeing the Nazis. Every time something bad happened, you sang "My Favorite Things." Every time you passed a gazebo, you imagined you were Liesl, and Rolf was about to take you in his arms.

Yeah, you were okay until that last one. After that, you were gay for good.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Pound Puppies.

Allow us to get a little personal here. When we were very little, we had a brown, spotted Pound Puppy. He was our favorite toy, and though we eventually got many more stuffed animals, he was always the most important. Since we could put words together, we’ve always wanted to be a writer, and some of our very first stories were about him and his adventures. His name was Pudding.

We had a Pound Puppy-themed birthday party one year, and our love for Pudding eventually led us to browbeat our parents into getting us a real puppy from the pound – who turned out to be the best little yellow dog a boy could ask for (in fact, he was so cute that we actually did kick him once. And you thought that was just an expression).

We’re guessing that you had a similar experience with Pound Puppies – or, if not, with Cabbage Patch Kids, or Teddy Ruxpin. They weren’t girl toys per se, but they were gender-neutral friends on whom you could project any personality, story, or quirk. They, like you, didn’t have to care about lasers or ninjas or mountain bikes. They were just soft and comforting, and non-judgmental. You probably noticed that most of your guy friends didn’t keep their stuffed animals around as long as you did, but you didn’t care. You may have even promised yourself – or the animals directly – that you would never stop caring about them, even when you grew up. You would never, you imagined, let them gather dust in the attic, or be donated to the Salvation Army.

But then you went through puberty and cuddly flights of imagination gradually gave way to bids for more attention from your guy friends and hunts for sex scenes in the books on your parents’ shelves. And up into the attic your Pound Puppies went. But their influence still lingers. You think it’s any coincidence that you’ve seen every single Vin Diesel movie? Look at that mug:



It’s like Pudding is staring right at us, out of the past.

Why You Are Gay: Toy Soldiers

If you’re like us, the movie “Toy Soldiers” came out when you were just starting your delicate tweenage years. Maybe you were heavy, maybe you had headgear, maybe you had to wear a backbrace because you were misdiagnosed with scholiosis by your gym teacher. For whatever reason, you didn’t fit in. Later, this sense that you were the Best Supporting Actor in the movie of everyone else’s life would translate itself into a biting sense of humor and a throbbing alcohol addiction. But back then, you were just angsty.

Then came “Toy Soldiers.” It was a movie about misfits, the kids who didn’t fit in at prep school and were sent to the uptight Regis School to reform. These freaks and geeks never thought they were worth anything, until the inevitable happened, and a group of terrorists took over their school. Then the kids used their troublemaking skills to fight them off.

The movie made it okay to not fit in – in fact, it made you feel as though being a reject might actually be sort of heroic. And what’s more, there was something else about those boys that you liked. It was hard to put your finger on, but the way they all hung off each other and wrestled, rung a bell somewhere inside of you. Specifically Wil Wheaton, the fey martyr with the perfect floppy hair. Come to think of it, you’d liked him ever since you saw him in “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” And not the way you liked Deanna Troi. What was it about him….?

Oh damn you, Wesley Crusher. You done made us gay.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Masters of the Universe

Everybody watched “He-Man.” We don’t mean all of your friends, or all suburban kids. We mean every single child in the entire United States. Literally millions of tykes spent the entirety of the early eighties running around shrieking “By the power of Greyskull – I have the power!”

So how come only some of you became gay?

Maybe it was because you had an extra appreciation for He-Man’s lustrous blonde locks, or his chunky eighties bangs. Maybe it was the extremely fey winged sorceress, who you secretly aspired to grow up to become. Or maybe it was because He-Man had a flawless sixpack, fantastic lats, and only wore a loincloth and a chest harness.

Naw. The real reason He-Man made you gay was because he had a twin sister.

While every boy in America was still fighting off Skeletor and Evil-Lyn, that sexy vixen with the smokey wand, you got distracted. There was another hero that drew your attention. She was strong, brave, and she had fantastic blonde extensions. She had that great tiara, and the sword with the big blue gem in it (much better than He-Man’s nearly identical one). She lived in a gorgeous gold tower, unlike that nasty old Castle Grayskull. She was kind, compassionate, and often tried to outsmart her foes rather than bash in their skulls. THAT was the way to fight. Only idiots thought that muscles alone won wars, you thought, remembering all the times your big brother smacked you across the head and you ran away to tell. Real victories came with passion, brains, and a fierce color palette.

She was She-Ra, Princess of Power. And from the first minute you saw her, you were Gay-Boy, Pirate of Ass.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Red Sonja

Did you ever notice that this movie was always playing at the randomest times when you were little? You probably never saw it from beginning to end, nor did you ever really know what the hell was going on (they have to get that glowing green orb! Or something! A little Asian prince who is always yelling at his assistant Falkon is involved! Aah, earthquake!). But somehow the fantasy elements appealed to your sense of magic and adventure, and the brute force of Sonja (aka “Surreal Life” star Brigitte Nielsen) was exotic and inspiring. Not to mention Dino De Laurentiis’s gifted cinematography and complete disdain for dialogue.

Ok, let’s be honest. You loved “Red Sonja” for the same reason you loved “Conan the Barbarian” – because Arnold was a physical fantasy whose only weakness was an apparent allergy to clothing. Something about the hyper-masculine warrior he played (his name was Kalidor, not that it matters) really got you itching in your special place, before you even knew you had one. It was the same sort of exaggerated testosterone that made you weirdly turned on by the phallically-horned, testicularly-chinned devil from “Legend.”

Honestly, what were you supposed to take away from that movie? Even the super-macho Sonja eventually gave into Kalidor’s pecs. You had no choice but to begin your lifelong yearning to attain that rocky, sun-rubbed body. And if you couldn’t have it for yourself, you could at least try to have sex with someone who does.

Oh look – there you are. Gay.

WHY ARE YOU GAY: My So-Called Life

We’re jumping ahead a few years on this one, but no series like this would be complete with the show that helped you make that final great sashay into gayhood. It was perfectly timed just after you went through puberty, it had characters you could understand, and all of your pre-gay friends were also obsessed. Yes, we’re talking about “The Jordan Catalano Show.”

To begin with, it was the first primetime drama for teens to feature a gay character. You didn’t necessarily relate to Ricky and his flamboyant jheri curls, but the fact that he was there, dealing confidently with his issues, was a huge comfort. (Even though even then, you knew the beret and asymmetrical button-downs were a homo no-no.)

Then there was Claire Danes, with her pretty, awkward, somehow-not-quite-fitting-in-ness. Even though she was a willowy teenage girl, you somehow related to the sense of unfulfilled yearning she always felt. Or maybe, because she was a willowy teenage girl. Like you.

And then there was Jordan Catalano. That hair, that skin, those ill-fitting flannels! No one was fetishized by a camera that outrageously until Brandon Routh in “Superman.” When he took over the mic to sing “I Wanna Be Sedated,” oh Lord, all you wanted to do was go to your room and be masturbated.

Every plotline, from quirky, drunk Rayanne Graff’s attempts to be a lead singer, to Brian Krakow’s desperate obsession with Angela, seemed to speak right to you. And then, the school dance came. Gay Ricky and Chubby Delia found themselves alone, rejected by the crowd and their insensitive peers. The song “What is Love” came over the loudspeakers, and they began to dance. Everyone turned to look, and after a few moments, a circle formed. They stared as Ricky and Delia spun like crazy, finally realizing what it meant not to care what other people think. They'd never looked more free.

See? Even thinking about it now makes you more gay.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Anne of Green Gables

When you were a “young adult,” you had lots of books to choose from. You could read Christopher Pike, and get the caca scared out of you by the same horror plot over and over. You could discover touching tales of rural life, like “Where the Red Fern Grows,” “Hatchet,” and “My Side Of The Mountain.” Or you could slog through those large font novels about how your teachers are aliens.

But you chose a different path. You may have found the books in your aunt’s house, or at the library when you wandered around after school when everybody else was playing junior basketball. Chances are your parents didn’t give them to you, but you found them anyway. And when you did, it opened up a whole new world of adventure, love and bliss... And melancholy walks through the shaded woods.

Oh, “Anne of Green Gables.” How you loved her red hair, and fussy way of describing things. How you wished you lived in a garret, and had foster parents like Marilla and Matthew. How you yearned (okay, lusted) for Gilbert Blythe, who started off coarse and mean, but turned into a handsome, bushy-haired gentleman. Did you believe in corporal punishment, you wondered? Would you have given up the Avery prize?

You may have even continued reading the series, devouring “Anne of Avonlea” and “Anne of Windy Poplars.” You may have gotten the book on tape, and forced your parents to listen to it in the car over and over. You may have even watched the movie, or the miniseries!

Whatever you did, you did it with wistful glee, just the way Anne would have. Except she didn’t grow up to be a giant man-swallowing ass vacuum, and you did.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Super Mario Bros

When we were young, video games tended to divide people. There were the types that liked the sports games, like “Jordan vs Bird.” There were the types who liked the fantasy games, like “The Legend of Zelda” (we particularly enjoyed the fairies). There were even they freaks who liked “Marble Madness.” But everybody liked “Super Mario Bros.”

It was the great equalizer. No matter how good or bad you were in school, at sports, or even at making friends, you could show off on the Nintendo, and you always had something to talk about. Admit it, sometimes when you are walking down the street today, the tunes pop into your head (particularly the one from the underground levels where everything was blue).

Then came “Super Marios Bros II.” Long considered the runt of the trilogy, the second game brought in the new characters Toad and Princess Toadstool. This is where the trouble began. All your friends wanted to play Mario (he had all the skills!), Luigi (he could jump so high!), and Toad (he was funny-looking). But you. Oh, you. You always picked Princess Toadstool. She was agile, she had a cute pink dress, and she could levitate! As she drifted in the air, and her gown flowed around her, you got a little thrill. You’d even make her levitate when it wasn’t necessary (frankly, it was never necessary and she was definitely the most useless character).

You see, “Super Mario Bros” betrayed you. You finally had a game where you were as good as your brothers, your friends and the kids in the after school programs. You blended in, at last! And then, like a cockroach crawling into Kate Beckinsale’s ear, it found your weakness and brought you down. How did it know that all you wanted was to glide through the air with your tiara, bathed in flowing silk chiffon, and throw turnips at monsters?

It doesn’t matter. It was too late anyway. You were gay, and everybody in your friend’s basement knew it.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: American Gladiators

How could you possibly have been expected to stay heterosexual in the presence of a show that featured hot musclemen in spandex, running around and beating each other with pillow sticks?

You knew you loved “American Gladiators,” but you didn’t know why. Was it the obstacle courses? The feats of strength? The tennis ball gun?

No. It was the gayness.

The male gladiators were basically sexy superheroes come to life, with uniforms that were campier than Captain Marvel. They had names like Nitro and Gemini and Zap. The women were so testosterized that they were also basically men. And yet, it was perfectly acceptable for you to ask to watch “Gladiators” at a friend’s house, or with your big brother, because everybody thought it was cool! (God, what the fuck did they put in the water in the 80s?)

You sat and you watched, commenting on how tough everybody was, waiting in eager anticipation for the part where the scantily clad men battle each other in giant cage balls. It was the most titillating thing you could look at since you learned that National Geographic sometimes published photos of penises in foreign lands. You could even get away with saying you wanted to BE an American Gladiator when you grew up.

And as you said it, you probably joyfully imagined your life of chest waxing, unitards, and staring at the tight asses of other men as you chased them up a rock climbing wall. And in that moment, it may have occurred to you in that weird, unvoiced region in the back of your head, that yeah – you’re probably going to turn out queer.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: "Star Search"

Before there was “American Idol,” “America’s Got Talent,” “So You Think You Can Dance” – heck, before there was even “America’s Funniest Home Videos” – there was “Star Search.” Do you remember it? We used to watch it relentlessly as a child. If you were lucky, you might have caught Christina Aguilera before she was on “The Mickey Mouse Club,” or Alanis Morisette before “You Can’t Do That On Television” made her (and slime) a star. You may have even seen Britney Spears before she forgot how to sing!

“Star Search” set off a lot of conflicting emotions for us. We desperately wanted to be on the show. What could be more exhilarating than pulling on some jazz pants and belting out a soulful classic like “If You Don’t Know Me By Now”? But the problem was, we had no talent. We still don’t, frankly. We couldn’t sing, we couldn’t play an instrument, and we certainly weren’t part of any plucky four-person youth dance teams.

If you were un-gifted like us, you had to make yourself content with watching the show, and dreaming of holding that microphone. You’d practice numbers in the mirror in your room (only mouthing them, of course. You didn’t want anyone to hear, and plus, weren’t the pained facial expressions the most important part anyway?). You’d imagine what outfits you’d wear on stage. You’d gripe about the lame kids who won (that fag that beat Britney was a joke. WHERE YOU AT NOW, BITCH?).

It was a very sad thing being an effeminate child without musical performance talent. Those of us who were lacking had no way of channeling all of these urges. You never once got to sing a solo in a school musical, let alone enter a nationally syndicated talent show. You never got to wave your hand in the air as you hit the high note, as if to say, “Alas! I’m about to be crushed by the awesomeness of my own voice!” (but oh, how you practiced that move).

Still, somehow, you managed to grow up into a big fag. You were totally gypped.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Little League

When we were in AAA, we only hit the ball one time. We remember it vividly – it was a ground ball that went hopping down the third baseline. The shock of the connection that ran from the bat through our arm is still vibrating in our minds. We were so shocked when it happened that we just watched it roll away, rather than running to first base. By the time we came to our senses and began to move (for sure our father was hopping up and down and hollering at us to get a move on – luckily most of our memories are silent) it was too late. We were tagged out at first.

See, we were so bad at baseball that we consistently hit the tee rather than the ball in Tee-Ball. We were fast, sure, but we had to bank on pitches thrown out of the strike zone for us to get on base. The only things we liked about the sport were the stirrup pants. Of course, our father forced us to play, so we continued to do so for years (let’s be clear – we’re not mad at dad for making us play sports. We just needed to figure out the ones that we were good at – i.e. ones that did not involve balls).

We were so bad at Little League that we began to try to distract ourselves. Since we were completely uncoordinated, they always put us in center or right field. Out there, among the grass and dandelions (oh the dandelions!) we could pretend we were in a field in the middle of the woods – perhaps in the field from the beginning of “The Sound of Music!” We’d spin around, we’d dance, we’d sing. There are even home videos of those damning, damning experimentations. In those moments, we decided that we’d rather frolic than compete.

Poor dad. Even though he never said anything into the microphone, you can practically hear his thoughts as he zooms in on us way out there, skipping merrily in a circle.

“Damn,” he probably thought. “My son is GAY.”

WHY YOU ARE GAY: The Land Of Make Believe

Now, everyone in America watched Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, didn’t they? Most kids had different favorite parts. Some liked the fun videos, like the one that explained how to make orange crayons. Some liked the parts when Mr. Rogers did household chores, like feed the fish. Others liked just the parts where he was chatting with the camera. We used to really relate to the part where he’d smoothly but prissily put on his bright zip up cardigans. What a fagatron.

But no doubt the gayest part of the show was the Land of Make Believe. Do you remember it? When the little trolley would leave his living room and go through the tunnel to the wonderful land of puppets and people? Admit it, when you were little, you had your own land of make believe, where you could escape from bullies, big brothers, and moms who didn’t understand the importance of sharing pearls.

Man, was the Land of Make Believe queer. Until Xerxes in “300,” fussy King Friday was the reigning queen of camp. “Butt Spelunker, I presume?”

You probably related most to Daniel Striped Tiger. He was a just little bit shy and withdrawn, like you, but he was also the wisest little boy in the Land of Make Believe. His voice was high pitched and fey, but his gestures gentle. When he had something to say – people really listened. Isn’t that all you wanted when you were young? For people to listen and understand you? To be young and cuddly forever? To live in a clock?

And Lady Elaine, the curator of the Museum-Go-Round? The sparks of faggotry burning inside each of us were fanned by her prickly campiness. If any of you young drag queens have anyone to blame for your misinterpretation of the eyebrow, it’s Lady Elaine. Those pursed lips! The perpetual bossiness! The overuse of rouge!

In the movie of her life, she’d clearly be played by Glen Close with a hand up her ass. And what could be gayer than that?

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Skip It

There are many toys that you wanted as a child. You would see them on television, and immediately begin begging your parents to run to Toys 'R' Us. And sometimes, they would. Examples include Fireball Island, Lite Brite, Go Bots, Crocodile Mile, Teddy Ruxpin, Super Soakers and My Buddy.

Then there were the toys that you begged your parents for that didn't make them get in the car and go to the mall. Instead, they did that thing where they put their hand on their forehead and rocked back and forth. Examples of these toys include Easy Bake Oven, Baby Uh Oh, Polly Pocket, Brooke Shields Barbie, My Little Pony, Treasure Trolls and Kid Sister.

At that time, your parents were probably mostly just worried at what other parents would think about you and your girl toys. They had no idea that even then, this burning need for toys that were not only fun to play with, but also ordered an otherwise crazy domestic world, came from the same desire that would eventually lead us to getting fucked in the ass by nameless men on 500-thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets.

But even your pre-tolerance parents knew there was something gay about Skip It, and that it was a toy to be feared. Who wanted to see their child faggily frolicking with the device? Especially in front of bullies, or other types of human beings?

Your parents probably didn't buy you Skip It, but that didn't prevent you from finding it at friends' houses, or in the mystery box on the playground. And when you did, oh joy! How you skipped! You skipped and skipped! You didn't stop skipping until one day, you gaily skipped all the way to gaytown.

Oh, hell.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Summer Camp

Our dear ex-boyfriend Josh has an amazing first gay experience story, involving a back massage, a camp bunkroom, and short shorts. While we didn’t have our first gay experience at summer camp (though we had MANY later on), we have to admit that the experience was pretty darn homoerotic.

Most all boys summer camps had some sort of wilderness element, and also an emphasis on sports. But as much as soccer, basketball and baseball were popular, so too were odd or strategic games like “Cuckoo on the Buzzard” and “Capture the Flag” and a hundred and one types of relay races. Basically, anyone with hands and feet could excel in at least one type of competition. We recall particularly getting a standing ovation for being the only person to be able to balance a book on our head and walk along a balance beam, at one point.

We remember one summer as a counselor when our unit erupted in scandal when we found an entire tent of nine-year-olds hiding under a blanket, naked together. Innocent childhood fun? Or GAYNESS? (We’ll spare our other ex-boyfriend Ewan by not spilling the details of our own summers of sin at camp together.)

And that’s ignoring the obvious: The enforced mass skinny dipping? The constantly drunk, hypersexual male counselors? The collective disdain for the “sister camp”? The communal showers? The skimpy uniforms? “Shirts and Skins”?? ARTS AND CRAFTS! Oh God, we never had a chance.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: School Ties

Um, if any one single movie is to blame for the fact that you are gay, it’s “School Ties.” What staying power! We still have a crush on Matt Damon. And Chris O’Donnell. Okay, fine. And Brendan Fraser.

The movie is about the sexually charged environment of an elite boarding school, and Fraser’s deep dark secret. He goes through the movie popular, athletic and successful. But the kids around him don’t know that he’s different. That there’s something about him that is unheard of in this buttoned-up, conservative environment. Everything stands to change when, you guessed it, the school finds out that he’s Jewish.

Wait, what? JEWISH? So much for your hopes of consummation of all those sexy, soapy shower scenes.

But the movie had other secret gay aspects: Anthony Rapp, the openly gay RENT star, also appears. Cole Hauser, who has long been rumored to have a “special friendship” with Vin Diesel, does too. And the gayest thing of all, probably, is that it was written by Dick Wolf, the creator of “Law & Order: SVU.”

The tagline of the movie really says it all: “Just Because You’re Accepted Doesn’t Mean You Belong.” Thanks, “School Ties,” for making alienation and isolation seem so nubile and sexy. We’d still be straight if we’d just kept watching “Rudy.”