Wednesday, February 21, 2007

WHY YOU ARE GAY: School Ties

Um, if any one single movie is to blame for the fact that you are gay, it’s “School Ties.” What staying power! We still have a crush on Matt Damon. And Chris O’Donnell. Okay, fine. And Brendan Fraser.

The movie is about the sexually charged environment of an elite boarding school, and Fraser’s deep dark secret. He goes through the movie popular, athletic and successful. But the kids around him don’t know that he’s different. That there’s something about him that is unheard of in this buttoned-up, conservative environment. Everything stands to change when, you guessed it, the school finds out that he’s Jewish.

Wait, what? JEWISH? So much for your hopes of consummation of all those sexy, soapy shower scenes.

But the movie had other secret gay aspects: Anthony Rapp, the openly gay RENT star, also appears. Cole Hauser, who has long been rumored to have a “special friendship” with Vin Diesel, does too. And the gayest thing of all, probably, is that it was written by Dick Wolf, the creator of “Law & Order: SVU.”

The tagline of the movie really says it all: “Just Because You’re Accepted Doesn’t Mean You Belong.” Thanks, “School Ties,” for making alienation and isolation seem so nubile and sexy. We’d still be straight if we’d just kept watching “Rudy.”


the one in your dreams said...


and those shower scenes pretty much were an indication to me that i would be unable to participate in team sports.

Anonymous said...

Wait, did you just dis Rudy, aka The Little Bottom Who Could?

Anonymous said...

You could have kept watching Rudy. Until your love for Sean Astin lead to you watch Lord of the Rings. And then Aragorn! Elves in blond wigs!

Seriously, all roads lead to You're Gay.

Unknown said...

School Ties was produced and directed by gay men who used the nude shower chapter in the book which was written by another abvious homo as a way to use daring young actors like Damon and Fraser to project their preverted fantasies onto the big screen.