That's Right, REMIND Everyone Why They Hate You For The Holidays.

A faithful and sexy Fagats reader sends in this interesting update. His family received an annual Christmas card from New York Court of Appeals Judge Bob Smith. You may remember him for writing the convoluted and nonsensical court decision last year blocking equal marriage rights in New York.

This is the last sentence of his Christmas mailing:

"As many of you know, I got my fifteen minutes of fame this year, by writing an opinion holding that there is no constitutional right to same sex marriage in New York. Many of my friends and family weredispleased with this, and no doubt most of you are too, but be forgiving. It's Christmas, or it just was. We hope that yours was merry and your new year is the same. Bob"

Oh NO. Are Bob's Upper West Side friends turning against him? Was he not invited to the same table as everyone else this holiday season? Did he get left out of all the tradition and joy?

How inconvenient!

We're Still Afraid To Go To The New Boysroom. Mostly Because It Has A Window.

So although we are back in the United States, we have yet to make our grand entrance back into the social scene in New York. We’ve been up in the North Country visiting our parents since last week, and will only arrive in the city on Thursday. Which means our return will require careful planning. At which gay party should we make our first grand appearance?

Here are our options (from what we recall):

Thursday: Duvet. We think. This party was dying the last time we were in the city, but gay parties, like pimples in the cartilage under the bridge of your nose, take forever to actually go away.
Friday: Opaline. Every time we go to this party we get super drunk in advance because it’s expensive and the drinks are shitty. At the end of the night, we think we’ve had a great time. Then, in the morning, we find all the new names in our cellphone and remember that tragic moment when we were on the box with the 16-year-old from Hoboken. Oh God, everyone saw.
Saturday: Mr. Black. We’ve never been to Mr. Black but we hear it’s appropriately popular and appalling. This may be a good idea as we finally have an excuse as to why we haven’t attended a cool gay party. We were in EUROPE people! That ought to impress all the waiters and hairdressers.
Sunday: Hiro. Last time we went to this party we ended up dancing around at 3 am in an efficiency suite in the Gansevoort hotel swigging from an open bottle of Level Vodka, sandwiched between two naked Australians. They never called.
Monday: Don’t be stupid.
Tuesday: La Beige. Honestly, this is probably the best choice. The club where the sacred gay tradition of “The Lap” around the bar was invented, Beige is always guaranteed to have at least two dozen people you went to college with, work with, and have slept with. And you never have to talk to one person for more than 89 seconds.
Wednesday: Phoenix. If we’re feeling like unwashed geriatric man balls by Wednesday, we’ll see you there. Otherwise, meet us at Beige.

We Tried To Find A Gay Angle To The Saddam Execution, But There Are Only So Many Times You Can Repeat A "Well Hung Dictator" Joke.

So today is a big day for same-sex marriage proponents in Massachusetts. The legislature may decide whether to put forward an amendment banning the right, which would mean that there would have to be a vote by the people. This Boston Globe article explains it pretty well, but as we were reading, we noticed a confusing anecdote about the protesters outside the state house:

"In a display of the emotions, one of the amendment's backers yelled across the street at a person with a sign reading, 'Start Acting Like Christians.' The amendment proponent said, 'We are Christians, just like you.'"

So… From what we can decipher, apparently a gay protester had a sign telling a straight protester to act like a Christian. The straight protester, on the defensive, claimed he was just as Christian as the gay one. Seems a little turned around, doesn’t it?

This strikes right to the core of a big problem, as we see it. These people have been debating about the Christian morality of the issue for so long that everything’s become jumbled. Except, the Christian morality of the issue shouldn’t be what we’re fighting about. A) This isn’t a country of all Christians any more, and B) the Constitution’s writers excluded any and all churches for this specific reason – so that hundreds of years later we wouldn’t be debating about what position is more Christian. Or Jewish, or Muslim for that matter.

Though, to be fair, this debate may indeed apply in Massachusetts, which is about as culturally diverse as the first season of “Friends.” Could it BE any WASPier?

We Imagine A Lot Of You Have To Work Today. We Imagine That Sucks.

You may have noticed a slight change in the layout of the Fagat Guide today. We are testing out some new ideas for the new year. We are aware, however, that not all change is good, so please let us know what you think.

Stay tuned...

Like You All, We Resolved To Get A Boyfriend In 2007. But We Claim That Bartender With The Nice Arms, So You All Have To Pick Someone Else.

We just looked over last year's Fagat Guide New Year's Resolution List and most of it still stands (specifically, see the item about sassy overweight black women from American Idol). But a new year brings new ideas, dreams and hopes that one day someone might actually take our advice. So here goes - our 2007 New Year's Resolutions for the gays:

1) Stop renting those horrible gay movies that you see in Blockbuster wedged between real movies that actual people rent. The softcore sex scenes aren’t worth it, and the dialogue is actually making us collectively stupider as a genre of humanity.
2) This includes taking them off of your Netflix queue, jackasses.
3) One of us needs to take one for the team and give the twinky guy in the Mac commercials the rigorous buttfucking for which he is so obviously screaming. (This is more of a suggestion than a resolution.)
4) Be more confident. Ever wonder why it is that only hot guys, and weird, old ugly guys meet people at bars? It’s because the rest of us are sitting there sucking down our vodka sodas and waiting for something to happen. We might as well give each other handjobs while we wait.
5) Stop trying to convince ourselves that one of the shoddy Rite Aid brand hair products will magically make your hair look like Josh Duhamel’s. Get a real product and stick with it, or accept your Jew fro the way it is. This will make life better for all of us.
6) Finally stop thinking that your heterosexual guy friends hit on you when they’re drunk. They don’t, they’re just drunk… (BrokeStraightBoys.com is a WEBSITE, not a way of life.)
7) Invent an absorbent, trendy, attractive reusable cumrag. We’re a little too old to still be using socks and undershirts, aren’t we?
8) Stop shopping at Ikea for large pieces of furniture. It’s getting really embarrassing that you all have the same Malm coffee table that we do.
9) Figure out a polite way to say, “I’ll cum a lot faster with a dick in me.” This only applies to about half of you.
10) For the other half, figure out a polite way to say, “stop trying to finger my asshole, this is only making everything slower.”
11) And on a related note, let’s all make sure the nails on our index and middle fingers are always smooth and cut very short. Just in case.
12) Find a new trendy dog. Contrary to popular belief, puppies are not like messenger bags. And even if they were, would we all wear the same petite, wrinkled, black-and-white-spotted messenger bag for 12 years?
13) Finally admit to ourselves that shower blowjobs have a lower success ratio than Sean Cody would lead us to believe.
14) For God’s sake, stop reading Queerty.com. See resolution #1.
15) Decide that this is the year we won’t live from paycheck to paycheck. We imagine this can be achieved by trying to devote the same amount of attention to the level of our savings accounts that we do to the level of our ambient body hair.
16) Finally devise a strategy for what to do with that one arm which never quite fits anywhere comfortably when we are spooning, and ends up falling asleep and being useless for the first 15 minutes of the morning.
17) Assign one of our own to take charge of Britney Spears. She needs a big fag up in her business like Ryan Seacrest needs… a big fag up in his business.
18) Oh yeah, and while we’re solving our problems? Two words: ass deodorant. Someone figure it out.

Happy New Year!

And We're BACK!

And what a long, strange trip it's been.

We (Bigmouth, that is) are back in the United States. Finally. And it's good to be back. Our first night back in the city we went to the Phoenix, saw two people we've slept with, had a few $2 pints, and pimped our roommate out to someone nearly twice his age.

Not much to say because we figure most of you are out of the office by now, but we came across this article about gay reparations in Spain, which we think you should read because it's interesting and gives you some insight into what's going on with gays in the country where we have been living.

More next week, when we have more time. But expect big things from your friends at Fagats in the New Year. After all, we expect a lot from YOU.

We Could Do Things Like "Go For a Run" or "Read a Book," But Doing Less Productive Things and Then Making Lists About It Seems Much More Fun...

In case you were curious, here's what we've been doing during the past 36 hours here in the "First in Flight" state:

1. Watched 4 back-to-back episodes of The Dog Whisperer.

2. Listened to our entire 28 song-long "melancholy" playlist while staring at the ceiling.

3. Made a power point presentation with pictures of all the people we know (slash stalk) at school next to pictures of who is playing them in the movie musical that LL and I are writing.

4. Read about the gay serial rapist in Texas.

5. Had half a slice of pizza and 2 quarts of sweet tea for lunch.

6. Spent three hours at the movie theater staring at Matt Damon and wishing we were in Skull and Bones so we too could mud wrestle nekkid.

7. Performed "One Night Only" (Both the Effie and Disco versions) and "I Am Changing" on the second floor ledge overlooking the living room when no one was home.

8. Rearranged our "featured friends" on friendster no less than 9 times.

9. IMed with FHC explaining to him why he was not a "featured friend."


Yes, we too are praying for Bigmouth's safe return.

Do Those Civil War Re-enactments Still Happen? Maybe We Can Dress Up And Take Advantage of the Pre Don't Ask Don't Tell Days...

Sorry for the week off, but Christmas can be a busy time, even for us pagans and idol worshippers.

We're headed to our parents' new home in the North Carolina today. Yes people, the SOUTH. We're taking about a town where "So what church do y'all go to" is the first question your new neighbors ask when they bring you a pie. (We mean, at least they bring you a pie, all we got when we moved to the Upper East Side was a request to not sing so loud and questions like "why did your sister move to Chelsea and you move here?" as they eyed our Paul Smith shoes).

Our mom asked us to figure out some things to do over the next nine days so we aren't bored to tears. Drag our sister to the gay bar(s)? Engage in a door-to-door goodwill tour trying to bridge the blue state-red state divide? Change our friendster location and attempt to date the local(s)? Find John Edwards and tell him to stop mass e-mailing us?

The answer is unclear, but at least we have 90210 season one on DVD to keep us occupied for the next 36 hours. So expect another pointless post around the time Andrea uncomfortably offers herself to Brandon as a going away gift. (Yeah we tried that too once, it REALLY doesn't work). Also, if anyone has heard from Bigmouth, please let us know.

It's A World Of Laughter, A World Of Tears. It's a World Of Hopes And A World Of Queers.

So on Sunday night we went to OverKitsch at the Queen in Paris. It's a big gay party with lots of soul-crushing-but-heavenly music like the dance remix of "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera. We showed up with two friends, and then shortly afterward someone we we have slept once or twice with made an appearance. This was not so surprising, as this boy lives in Paris.

But THEN, a boy who we once tried to sleep with from the United States randomly showed up. On the arm of a boy who used to sleep with FHC.

We know the gays always talk about how it's a small world. So we won't go on and on. Except to say that if any of you start getting an itchy brown rash on your neck, even though this whole year you've only slept with that one-eyed Jew from Madagascar, it might still be our fault.

And In Other News, The FAGAT Guide's 'Person of the Year' is a tie between Britney's Vag and The Arizona Voter...

For the first time since the tradition started in 1927, a homosexual has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. (Unless Hitler and the Ayatollah Khomeini were gay. Were they?).

Time's Person of the Year for 2006 is you.

The magazine has put a mirror on the cover of its "Person of the Year" issue, released on Monday, "because it literally reflects the idea that you, not us, are transforming the Information Age."

We just read about the Time - Warner merger for our corporations class (someone please help us) and how Time sought a partner that would allow it to "keep its journalistic integrity." Looks like that didn't work out too well.

They Forget To Tell Us How Many Hours Of The Year We Spend Blogging About Really Important Issues...

So the Census Bureau released its 2007 statistical abstract, telling us that Americans spend a lot of time in front of the TV (64 days of the year) (um...we are still on season 1 of grey's on netflix), poop a lot (about 4.4 pounds per day, up from 3.7 pounds in 1980) (that sounds about right), and are getting fatter ("the fattest inhabitants of the planet") (that was way harsh Tai). But at least we are getting taller.

Also, "for the first time, the abstract quantifies same-sex sexual contacts." Apparently, 6 percent of men and 11.2 percent of women say they have had these "contacts." Whether this means a drunk game of Twister or a drunk game of making eyes at each other on the dance floor, going home together, and then having a lifetime of awkward encounters around Manhattan, we don't know, but we can say that we have not seen any members of the 6% in the last few days as they rarely make it to this corner of the law library.

We also like how in 1970, 79 percent of college freshman said their goal was "developing a meaningful philosophy of life," as opposed to in 2005, where 75 percent said "their primary objective was to be financially very well off." Sounds like the kids are getting better at being able to say coherent and logical things despite being incredibly, incredibly stoned.

Shame, Regret and More Than A Little Bit Of Wonder About The Absurd Person We Used To Be.

Not much time to blog today, but did anybody else notice that the Republicans are going after Mass. Govervor Mitt Romney for not being anti-gay ENOUGH? This is a guy who has not shut up about the Mass. Supreme Court ruling for one week in the last few months. And the rightest side of the GOP is saying he isn´t hardline enough to make it through the presidential primaries.

We´re not banking on the fact that these people have any sense of self-reflection, but in 20 years if they are still alive, we don´t know how they will be able to look back on all the superfluous intolerance they promoted in these years. How will they be able to defend their so-called spiritual and emotional reactions to this issue?

We imagine they will feel sort of the way we do when we think of the profound emotional response that used to be inspired in us by The World of David the Gnome.

People In The Library Can See Us Searching The Internet For Soft Porn Right Now and It Is Really Embarrassing. Oh The Things We Do For You People...

No time to blog today since we have to "study," but LL told us that we don't post enough pictures of near naked men anymore, so here goes.

Forget about whether a woman or black man will become the next prez for a minute, and instead focus on this very important election. We will be campaigning for this young man:


It's mostly because of that Hindi script tattooed on his right arm. It translates roughly as, "condoms made according to international sizes don't fit me either, so I just use this guitar instead."

And As Joan Yelled To Christina, "THIS IS JUST WONDERFUL!!!"

Not only are we a transfer at this school and so already presumptively sub-par, but now this:

A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.

What we lack in size we make up for in knowledge about Dell computers. And we never try and overcompensate for our lack of size with humor.

We're Already Starting Production On The Made For TV Movie Based On This, Starring Richard Dreyfus, Camryn Manheim, And Rosie...

VP: Get your hand off my daughter's ass Martina, this is the WHITE HOUSE.

Mary: Her name is Heather, Dad.

VP: Yeah, whatever, let's get this shit show press conference started. God damn lessies gettin' preggers. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?? Don't even tell me there were turkey basters involved.

Heather: We are not disclosing the identity of the father of this child, or how Mary became preggers. Besides, I believe....

VP: Oh pipe down Billie Jean. AND GET YOUR HAND OFF HER ASS before I shoot you in the face. I've done it before people, let's remember that.

Mary: Dad!

VP: I can only say thank the good Lord you didn't announce this thing before the midterms, we might have lost.

Heather: You did lose, Dick.

VP: For the love of God Ellen, do you want me to have another heart attack? THIS IS THE WHITE HOUSE. I will ship your Indigo Girl sized ass off to Gitmo, I swear.

Heather: Also, maybe we shouldn't go out there all wearing the same exact thing, especially since our body types are so similar...

VP: "Looking forward with eager anticipation to the arrival of our sixth..." Who in holy hell wrote this crap? Wait, I have 5 grandkids?

Mary: Dad, can we talk about what kind of controversy we can expect over this, considering we live in Virginia where no rights are granted to same sex couples or their kids, and that our party supports writing discrimination against us into the Constitution?

VP: You didn't seem to mind all this when you were campaigning for BUSH/CHENEY 2004, the BEST GOD DAMN CAMPAIGN EVER! WHOO HOO WE WON! THE TERRORISTS LOST!!

Mary: But I did mind, you convinced me to stay with the campaign for other important national reasons.

VP: SUCKER!!!! Heh heh heh.

Heather: Oh Christ, I'm out of here.

Mary: Dad, did you tell the President about this? What did he say?

VP: He asked if you two were going to get married before the child was born. You know, so it ain't, what are they calling it these days, "illegitimate."

Mary: (blank stare)

VP: What?

Whatever Happened To The Days When A Breakup Merely Involved You, A Bottle Of Vodka, Tissues, And Endless 30-Second Preview Clips Of Internet Porn?

An interesting email just crossed our inbox, forwarded from a friend. It was a breakup announcement.

It came in the form of an attachment, and was designed like a "Save The Date" notice. It included a jpeg of the unhappy couple in pleasanter times, and the text:

"Mssrs. [Redacted] and [Redacted]

Regretfully announce their

Disassociation.


Following eight years of life shared together
the gentlemen have severed the bonds
of their previous relationship and
presently live separate and apart."

The email included their new mailing addresses, which we assume was the purpose of the notice. Is this what's expected now? Can we no longer dump the bastard without having to buy stationary? Are we wrong to think this is ridiculous?

We can only imagine what's next. The Breakup Announcement with the letter insert, like your mom insisted upon including with your family Christmas cards in the mid-nineties. Except instead of "Chad made high honors and is applying to Northwestern!" we'll be treated to chipper notes in Verdana font telling us, "If it wasn't for the staph infection, we may have made it a few more months. But when we both got tested and only he had chlamydia, then we knew it was the end. :-) "

Oh, Chad. We always knew it would end this way...

Have You Ever Noticed How Balthazar Is Always Painted Behind The Others? We Wonder If He Had To Ride At The Rear Of The King Caravan, As Well...

We know, dear readers, that ever since we departed from Spain you have been unable to sleep at night from worry and loss. We can just picture you tossing and turning in your blue plaid Banana Republic pajama bottoms, kicking loose the sweaty Nautica duvet cover you bought from Bed Bath & Beyond with the gift certificate your parents got you for Christmas for two years ago. Occasionally, you might accidentally wake up the barista you took home that night, the one with black hair and blue eyes whose arms looked so good making your Pumpkin Spice Latte. Because neither of you can sleep, you reach around and start…

Oh, sorry. We got a little carried away.

What we meant to say is, we will return to America just before the New Year, after which you can expect more frequent (and less extraneous) posts. Until then, we will do our best. We are doing a lot of traveling between now and January and may have difficult giving your something catty and inappropriate every day. We apologize in advance.

And for now we leave you with a Christmas joke from Fagats co-worker-slash-joke-supplier-in-chief, Hugh, in honor of this holy season. It’s not actually that funny, but it helps if you remember that in Spain, the Reyes Magos are wizard kings who bring children presents, instead of Santa Claus, which we think is SUPER:

The three wizard kings came to visit Jesus in the manger in Bethlehem a few days after his birth, having followed a great shining star. The manger was lit only by a few candles, and the glow of the great star above piercing its thatched roof. As Balthazar, Melchior and Gaspar stooped to see the child, Balthazar slammed his turbaned head into a support beam.

“Jesus Christ!” he yelped.

“Write that down,” Mary said to Joseph, quickly. “It’s better than Derek.”

This Post Is Serious Y'all!

We can't do fancy screen captures or anything, but has anyone else noticed that on the "Inside NYTimes.com" bar on the NYTimes homepage where they highlight articles with a row of square pictures, there is the (rather sad and scary) article from this Sunday's regular Magazine about gays being persecuted and attacked in Egypt and other Arab counties, but that above the picture of gays being rounded up, blindfolded, and led to jail so that they can be tortured, the Times people have put the "T: Style" link to the Style Magazine instead of the regular "Magazine" link, making it seem as if the article was in fact in the T: Style magazine? We often joke about how all things gay at the Times go into the paper's styles sections regardless of seriousness of issue, but this may be taking things too far.

But you know what pisses us off A LOT more than perhaps a careless error like this by the Times? Maybe the fact that gays are violently persecuted in Arab countries, less for religious or cultural reasons and more for political gain and sheer personal benefit. As backward as America sometimes is, and as often as gays are used for political gain, we still do have plenty of reasons to cry when "Proud to be an American" comes on the radio.

We Really Hope These People Aren't Waiting Around Forevs Cause A Strapless Vera Wang On Saggy T*ts Is Not Good For Anyone...

First it was Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend, then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, and now, brace yourselves, Mary Lunetta and Max Hartman have joined the "we'll wait until the gays can marry" movement that is growing among celebs and college couples across the nation.

But seriously folks, this is a nice article about gayllies and alliesbians who are outspoken and committed to delaying the walk down the aisle to the chupa until everyone who wants to join the institution of marriage is legally able to do so. This is a serious choice, given that they're giving up such things as 1,138 federal rights and a registry at Crate & Barrel, just so they can point out the fact that other loving couples are legally barred from similar things. Also, getting profiled in an article in the Sunday Styles is way cooler than having your announcement in the back, even though, let's be truthful, the prospect of that announcement is really what keeps us engaged in the fight for marriage rights.

Many of the couples want to be vocal about their choice to hold off on marriage, and since not all of them can make a statement to US Weekly like Brad and Ange, they do it in other ways.

Referring to each other as “partner” usually helps avoid the misperception, but that can be tricky, too. When Ms. Augusto, the sociology graduate student, speaks of her partner, people ask if she’s a lesbian.

This reminds us of the time our college a cappella group was in New Zealand and we were invited to some nice homes, including the home of a super duper hottie with an adorable Kiwi accent who said, "My paaart-nur and I would love to host you all" at which point half of the all male group (yes, only half believe it or not) started jumping up and down uncontrollably giggling, only to start crying upon realizing that people in other parts of the world don't limit the term "partner" to the gays. So if this word picks up momentum, watch out people. Watch out.

This Is Why We Are So Glad That Doogie Came Out.

Because otherwise, daytime television would never get this astronomically gay.

(Thanks to our beloved LA Fagats correspondent for this clip...)