Friday, December 30, 2005

This Year, We Resolve To Only Have Promiscuous Sex With Cowboys.

Well, 2005 is almost over. And looking back, it's been quite a year. Since every journalist in America is on vacation now and has phoned in year-end wrap-ups, we'll spare you. Instead, we've come up with some suggested New Year's Resolutions for our people, the gay people:

1. After years of bastardization, take the “I” out of the word “boy.” We’re not all Phillipino rent-a-tents, here.
2. Realize that “Desperate Housewives” has jumped the shark. Start tuning in to “Family Guy” instead. Bree has nothing on Lois.
3. Locate t-shirts with sleeves. Related – finally understand that no one believes we are #9 on any sports team, much less one that is called “The Abercrombie Bears.”
4. Find a sassy overweight black woman on American Idol that we DON’T like.
5. Stop being the go to guy in the office for gossip on “Project Runway” and “America’s Next Top Model.” Related – never, ever mention “Skating with the Stars.”
6. Learn an ass exercise that performs the same function that the kegel does for women. Teach it to those who need it. (You know who you are. This one’s for the team.)
7. Prepare for loss of “Will and Grace” by learning to enjoy one televised sport. This may sound terrifying, but it will not be nearly as bad as trying to watch “Four Kings” instead. (Note – do not pick hockey as your sport. Not only will this fail to make connections with your straight friends because nobody watches hockey, but you will quickly find you prefer the look of basketball, football and baseball uniforms. Also, tennis – the Bel Ami of ESPN - does not count.)
8. Finally learn that lingering eye contact does not foreplay make.
9. Make one lesbian friend. But no more than that.
10. Stop assuming that men in bars with baseball hats are bald underneath. They are, but when you assume it makes an ASS out of U and ME.
11. Figure out what’s so great about getting slapped in the face with an erect penis. Perhaps someone could email Chi Chi about this.
12. Devise a way to get DJs to play Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” year round.
13. Prepare for when people ask us whether we think Tom Cruise is gay. The answer should be an emphatic “No.” He is a freak, and there’s a difference.
14. Stop assuming that Orlando Bloom, Jake Gyllenhaal and Hayden Christensen are gay. U and ME will never tap that ASS.
15. Teach a straight friend how to wear a scarf, even though this will be confusing for us in the wintertime. They deserve to be warm, too.
16. Force our fag hags off the couch and into the dating world. We need that couch for sex.

And finally-

17. Don't forget to fight - even if you live in New York or LA and life is easy for you. Give regularly to the Human Rights Campaign. Read the news. Vote. Have a debate. Come out. Get to know a close-minded person so well that they one day say "I have a gay friend." Do whatever you can.

See you in 2006!


Aatom said...

yay, best resolution list ever! you totally rock my world, bigmouth, whoever you are. have a happy one.

bald knob said...

When you assume... happy new year!

Foxy said...


rod said...

where in the hell are you going to find a lesbian?