Monday, December 10, 2007
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
We know it's been a while since we did one of our Why You Are Gay posts, so we hope you'll bear with us. We were just thinking about that old Tootsie Roll Pop commercial, where a naked boy wanders around asking animals about how to lick a pop. We didn't realize it then, but looking back, it's no wonder we don't know how to give head to someone with a foreskin. ("Get rid of that wrapper, let me just attack that sweet stuff underneath!" (Sorry, British ex-boyfriend)). Click above to watch the commercial. First you've got the turtle with the penis head bobbing up and down, then you've got the owl with the testicle eyes. And finally, you are faced with just a row of slowly melting lollipops, which get more and more cock-like as the ad ends. Oh, yeah, and like we said, the boy in the ad IS NAKED. Genius target advertising for a young demographic with an oral fixation? Or fag propaganda? You decide.
(Also: Any time anyone ever uses teeth on your own little blow pop, now you know who to blame.)
Monday, December 03, 2007
Ok, so Daniel may have been kicked off "America's Most Smartest Model." But he is having success in commercial campaigns! Witness this appearance in People Magazine... In a, um, Hellman's Mayonnaise ad. Go… Daniel.
Earlier: Top Model + Jeopardy =Truly Awe-Inspiring Television
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
...it's "Ugh." Trent Lott has been accused of using a young gay prostitute in the District. Is anyone else really really tired of this kind of story? It's like that gross "I pooped on Larry Craig's Penis" story. Whether or not it's true, it doesn't do anybody any good, especially if Lott is retiring. Have we become old and crusty that we think that? It's just, if someone's going to be outed as gay, can't it be someone we like? And we can look up to? And who is the appropriate age to be in the closet? And doesn't hate himself? And for the love of god, can't we finally get someone who is hot??
And most importantly, where should we plan the afterparty?
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
We have to say, we normally find it very frustrating to watch guests on "The O'Reilly Factor" talk about gay issues because advocates so easily get flustered and angry, and O'Reilly has a way of preventing them from getting decent points across. But in the above clip, a Northwestern psychologist does very well against O'Reilly, pointing out when he tries to dress his subtle bigotry up as "common sense." We're pretty sure if we went on the show, it would turn into an episode of "Jerry Springer" in a hot second.
Thanks to Andy for the clip.
During sleep bruxism, [a doctor] explained, the upper and lower teeth may come into direct contact as much as 40 minutes per hour, and — for example, on the first molar — with a force of about 250 pounds. Hence the football player. Compare that with normal circumstances, when a person’s teeth make contact for about 20 minutes a day, while chewing, and with only 20 to 40 pounds of pressure. Even if I wanted a football player in my bed, I certainly wouldn’t want him standing on my teeth. I became aware of his presence the way that many bruxers do. My then-boyfriend told me I woke him up with a dreadful crunching noise that came from grinding.Emphasis added. The article is titled "A Lineman in My Bed."
Um… Since when is the Times so casual about its writers being so faggy? It's great! Like, the gayness of the author is an unquestioned premise of the story – like how the gay characters on Desperate Housewives don't have any plotlines related to their sexuality; they're just as normal and demented as everyone else on the show. Now that's what we call progress.
And an excuse to post a picture of a sweaty football player's belly.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Thursday, November 08, 2007
1) They are both far better dressed than we are... Except they both have short arms and we don't fit into their clothes.
2) They don't have long, feminine locks that get caught on everything, including our clothes… Instead they have short body hair that they are constantly trimming that gets caught in everything, especially drains.
3) They are not nasty about the apartment getting messy… They're just nasty AND messy.
4) They always want to go out and drink…. Yeah, um, blessing and curse.
5) They always have delicious, unhealthy food around the house, yet both remain quite trim… While we do not.
6) They're both huge whores… See #4.
7) They're very chipper and chatty in the mornings… See #4.
8) They are handsome and always on the prowl… So nobody every looks at us in bars any more.
9) They feel comfortable borrowing any and all of our products…. And porn.
10) Other friends now constantly ask us about a cute guys we know on Facebook… which means we will invariably have to deal with other said friends in our bathroom in the morning in the near future.
11) They loll around in their underwear on the furniture all the time… Yeah, and then one day we got scabies from our couch. See #6.
Overall, it's much more of a boon than a burden to live with two cute fags. But, you know, let the buyer beware. Gays are much louder during sex than straights, as it turns out. And it's unlikely your straight guy roommate will ever get up in the morning, hungover, and ask you, "Did I give you a blowjob last night? I have rugburn on my knees."*Please, don't worry, that's not us in the picture.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Well, well, well. We KNEW Gawker read our little blog here. In today's rendition of the blog there's a post about "Super Mario Brothers: The Lost Levels," that includes the following quote by editor Alex Pareene:
That's the game that was the "real" sequel to the classic Super Mario Brothers that was never released in the US because it was sadistically difficult and instead we got the weird bullshit American Mario 2 where everyone knew to play as Princess Toadstool even though it was def kinda gay.Pareene, we know you're not an asscheek motorboater, but have you been reading the Fagat Guide's "Why You Are Gay" posts?
Monday, November 05, 2007
Crack is Whack [Knee Deep in Mud]
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Today we came into the office to find said intern decked out head to toe in drag, with a flawless Lucille Bluth costume. There was even a martini on the desk beside his keyboard.
Not a single other person in our open newsroom wore a costume, not even a funny hat.
And you know what? Contrary to what we expected, it kind of made the kid the coolest guy in the office. Nice.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
It's the one day of the year that we recognize those power bottoms who continue to astonish us with their mad skillz. This is not to be confused with Bubble Butt Bonanza Day, which occurs on the last Friday of April. In case you've been living under a rock, a power bottom is a man who enthusiastically takes it up the butt. He enjoys it, never winces, is an aggressive participant, and usually begs for more. They are a treasure and must be showered with admiration. Take the poll at the bottom (har, har) to let us know what you enjoy the most. PBs set themselves apart from lazy bottoms (yawn), dirty bottoms (ew), and tops masquerading as bottoms (stop, it hurts).Oh, Power Bottoms. Where would we be without you? In an uncomfortable position, that's where.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Monday, October 08, 2007
Fourteen models, (7 men, 7 women) all of whom think they could be the smartest in America, will live together as they compete to determine which of them has what it takes to be dubbed "America's Most Smartest Model" -- The perfect combination of Beauty and Brains.Wow.
Let's face it, we would still watch the show if it included only 14 women, but the addition of 7 (HOT!) men makes this show a new staple of our Sunday Nights (or any night of the week since apparently it is on everyday). Behold:
No, these are not photo-shopped in.
The best performance by far was that of Gaston, an Argentinian model who enjoyed sexually harassing the female models (one of whom said she felt "objectified"). His category was "things that smell bad." His list included "armpits, farts, feet, dirty underwear, dirty socks," and, of course, " dirty penis." When asked by Ben Stein if he actually said "dirty penis," he responded, "what, does it not smell bad?" So true, Gaston, so true.
Off camera, Gaston then added, "if they don't like it, they can suck it." Whether he was referring to the dirty penis, his penis, or his dirty penis, we will never know. Sadly, Gaston got the boot.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Also, “in addition to budding romances…the “friends” may also be former lovers who occasionally see each other or they may be people who hang out at the same places and now and then end up wrapped around each other, even though they are not really friends.” OMG! Please stop, this is too too shocking.
Luckily, the study makes no indication of whether the "125 young men and women" surveyed were gay or straight, so for now we are going to assume they are all straight, and that such things NEVER happen in our community...
Monday, October 01, 2007
The scene is
Cabbie: Excuse me, can I ask you something?
FW (slurring): Sure.
Cabbie: Are you gay?
FW (still slurring): Um…yes.
Cabbie: I thought so. I have all these gay in my cab, and they ask me to take them to the club, but I only know this “Splash” place so I take them there.
FW (stops slurring): Huh. You should stop. That place is terrible.
Cabbie: So where I should take them, man?
FW: Tuesdays, take them to Bowery Bar, Wednesday the
Cabbie: Wow, you know all the places!! Here, I have my gay friend on phone, please talk to him. (Hands FW his Bluetooth).
FW (back to slurring): Um…hello?
Friend: Hey dude. You gay?
Friend: You going to Splash tonight?
FW: Not so much. It’s .
Friend: Well I’m getting ready to go, man. You should come, man!
FW: Great. Have fun. (Hands Bluetooth back to Cabbie).
FW (to Cabbie): You’re not going to Splash?
Cabbie: No way man! I like pussy!
FW (holding back puke): Riiiiight. Have fun. Mwah mwah!
And to think we almost gave up taxis recently...
Friday, September 21, 2007
"When I wrote it, I envisaged the character of Den in the Heavy Metal comic. Den was a character by Richard Corben, who was easily one of my favorite artists. [Den] was this muscular guy with a gigantic schlong. He would always go into battle and beat the hell out of people, totally in the buff. He never wore clothes. That kind of stuck with me. I love it when somebody takes something like a fight — or really any event — and twists it to the point where you're naked doing it. Also, there was a proud tradition of berserkers going into battle naked. It just shows how fearless you are. I don't know about you, but if someone came at me, like, 'Aaaaargh!' naked, I'd be, 'Whoa!' Had we done it [like] Richard Corben's Den, the MPAA would have had huge, huge problems. As it is, I think the movie is going to have to achieve a more tempered rating. I don't think that we're going to be [seeing] Beowulf's gigantic, you know, baby's-arm-holding-an-apple-sized schlong onscreen. However, because this is performance-capture, it's not inconceivable that, at some point down the road, they simply re-render, widen-out shots, move things out of the way and put together a hard-R or NC-17 version of the movie."We just went to the movie's website to see their adult only trailer (you have to put in your birthdate to see it), which features a CGI Angelina Jolie in the buff, but only a split second of Winstone's ass. Is it pathetic that, while this isn't a movie we'd normally see (it doesn't seem to bear much relation to the "Beowulf" we read in freshman Lit), the addition of a giant cartoon penis would probably make us rent the DVD?
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
The upside of all of this gayness is that we've started having more dinner parties. The downside of it is that none of us are actually stylish gays, so the apartment isn't any nicer. Anyway, now the main question seems to be when to have our first underwear party. Will it be too chilly in October?
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Goldy's suggestion to us was, "Maybe you guys could sell gay offsets to Republicans on the side?" Not a bad idea!
Maybe Craig can buy "gay offsets"
By now you've most likely heard of Idaho Senator Larry Craig's [alleged] dalliance in a men's airport bathroom. The pundits have been out in force with the hypocrisy charges, and rightly so considering Craig's past stances and actions. But considering how often liberals react when conservatives question people like Al Gore and other "greens" about their own hypocrisy, I'm wondering when we'll hear these same libs wondering about "why shoot the messenger" and saying "but isn't the real issue ..." regarding the Craig incident.
Perhaps Craig can be like many Hollywood dopes (and Al Gore) but instead of purchasing carbon offsets he can buy gay offsets to "reduce his gay footprint" (or, more accurately, his "wide stance").
Monday, August 27, 2007
Whereupon we lost our cell for the first time in our lives and spend the next hour pleading with a cabbie over the phone to return it. We woke up phoneless, with a crippling hangover – but by the end of the day the cabby had returned our phone and we were ready to go out again, this time in
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
But as you grew older, watching re-runs of "Remington Steele" and "Quantum Leap" became a different experience. You stopped hoping for the part where Scott Bakula zapped himself into another wacky life, and started wishing there were more episodes where he was an Olympic diver. Instead of enjoying the G-rated flirting on "Remington Steele," you wondered why the hell Pierce Brosnan didn't just fuck Stephanie Zimbalist already. So you could watch.
The shows may have gone off the air before you realized you were gay. But every time you see Scott Bakula in an ABC Family Original Movie, we're betting it takes you back some. To a day when, admit it, you thought chest hair was a little bit okay. Kind of nice, even. You know, to nestle your face in. Or taste. Or whatever.
Friday, August 17, 2007
So we were forwarded (we swear) the following Craigslist posting, which we really, really love. We'll let it speak for itself:
Hung Stud Seeking Smart, GL,
Wall St. ex-Athlete or College Athlete - 22
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 2007-08-15, 10:09PM EDT
vgl, masc, smart, hung, very good shape top college guy working on Wall St. looking for a masc, ivy league (minus columbia and cornell) or other comparable college grad who was an athlete (lax, squash, tennis, hockey, alpine skiing, crew, sailing are best) AND is still in great shape, working at a top banking firm (front office only please), Corp Law, or consulting. into WASPY prep school types who are into squash, golf, skiing, art and maybe even knows what a jib halyard is. being well endowed would be icing on the cake. younger than 35 please unless you are exceptional.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Man, this whole getting-a-life-and-a-job-thing is really doing a number on us. We liked it better when we just futzed around at work all day and Googlefought our ex-boyfriends!
Monday, August 13, 2007
Hey all – we’re so sorry for not posting last week. We blame it on a combination of getting a new job, having a boyfriend, and not wanting to do anything because it’s August. In other words, it’s not you, it’s us.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Monday, August 06, 2007
We Have Never Once, In The Eight Years We've Been Going, Heard A Gay Discuss Politics At Beige. Is That Sad?
Our old pal Jamie Kirchick just had an essay in the Boston Globe about being persecuted by his fellow gays because he’s a Republican. You should read the essay, because it’s an interesting point of view. Something that annoys us about
But Kirchick makes the same generalizations about gay liberals that he accuses them of making about Republicans:
“For many gays, liberalism is just as much a visceral, reactionary tendency as it is a positive affirmation of political belief. Many gays I know – especially those from red states – blame conservatism writ large as the villain that repressed them for so many years. Thus, their homosexuality dictates their political views on everything. For these gays, it is just as much a part of the "coming out" process to be a loud liberal as a proud homosexual.” That’s a blanket statement which discredits the many gay men and women who have extremely nuanced political views. Sure - being gay can heighten one’s attention to politics (it has for us), it doesn’t necessarily make you a reactionary fool. What Jamie is saying is akin to believing that all conservatives who call for immigration reform are inherently racist. Sure, some are – but to generalize in that manner is unfair to the many that aren’t.
We think what Jamie is trying to articulate is the suspicion that some gay people have for some straight conservatives, who they worry might be bigoted deep down. Because homosexuality is so natural for us, it’s hard to understand why someone would object to it logically unless they had some inherent disgust with the concept. But that doesn’t seem to apply to his thesis – which is about liberal gays rejecting conservative gays. Quite frankly, if the person you are dating wants to break up with you because of political concerns – we just think one or the other of you is talking about it way too much.
Plus, the gays all know everybody’s got their own problems in the bedroom. Republicans take too long to finish, and Dems pull out too early. Badda bing!
Sunday, August 05, 2007
But we promise, this will be our last post about our friends' nuptials for the summer. We just couldn't resist this one, because it was so Fagats worthy. See, on Saturday night we attended the lovely marriage ceremony of a good straight friend from college. It was short and sweet, which we appreciated, and featured only two readings, one of which was from "The Velveteen Rabbit." The other, which we didn't at first couldn't place, began like this:
"Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations...."Those of you from Massachusetts may recognize these as the opening sentences of the State Supreme Court decision in "Goodridge v. Board of Health." The sentences directly following that quote, which went unsaid at on Saturday night but whose message was loud and clear, are here:
"The question before us is whether, consistent with the Massachusetts Constitution, the Commonwealth may deny the protections, benefits, and obligations conferred by civil marriage to two individuals of the same sex who wish to marry. We conclude that it may not."The bride and groom are, obviously, not gay, but in addition to liking the eloquent sentiments in the reading, they wanted to give a nod to their gay friends and family members that their version of marriage is one that was all-inclusive. It was, we thought, touching and wise.
As was the moment when the bride had to step in to force the DJ to play Rihanna's "Umbrella." Go Kim!
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Queerty points out that today, Elisabeth Hasselbeck vocalized some of her most liberal sentiments to date - about gay marriage, of all things. It's funny that this happened after Radical Rosie stopped beating her up about everything and putting her on the defensive.
We can't wait for the tortured sexual politics that will come into play when Whoopi is on board!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
You've probably all seen this clip already - it's Faith Hill going ballistic on a fan after she grabbed the package of Faith's husband, Tim McGraw. We know Faith has gone regrettably nutso before, but in this case, we think she's awesome. Especially when she makes a cupping gesture, to demonstrate specifically what type of ball touching is not allowed.
Monday, July 30, 2007
We expected it to be a mo-heavy audience, but we were not prepared for the gayhem that ensued. There were queens everywhere (including Barbara Walters!), and the line for the men’s room was easily four times the length of that for the ladies’ room.
We loved the show very much, and loved being seen with a handsome date among so many theater trolls. But we were completely blown away by the ending. Not by Patti Lupone’s (admittedly stunning) rendition of “Rose’s Turn,” but by the utter pandemonium that rocked the City Center when it ended. The crowd was on their feet for at least fifteen minutes. Men were screaming and weeping. And then, just when people seemed to be calming down, Patti pulled Steven Sondheim onto the stage.
It was like the apocalypse. We actually fled before the applause ended, for fear of we might never get out. On the way, we overheard Babwa say to her date for the evening, Frank Langhella, “Well, it certainly was a MAWvewous pufowmance.”
Oh, Babs. When you’re right, you’re right.
Friday, July 27, 2007
It was with her that we first realized, a gay man with an attitude can take a small dog anywhere, even restaurants and grocery stores.
Sophie died yesterday at the ripe old age of 15. As anybody who has ever had a dog knows, they become a very important part of your life. We have specific childhood memories of explaining to Sophie, and our other dog Ribsy, things that we didn’t feel comfortable discussing with anybody else. It sounds absurd, but sometimes it really helped to get things out – including, as we recall, the fact that we were gay. Our dogs probably knew before anybody else did. (Oh, let’s be honest, they knew ever since that time we made them wear mittens before going out to play in the snow).
Yesterday, our big brother reminded us of an old Will Rogers quote, which we find to be quite true:
“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”
We should be so lucky.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
You got excited. You looked around and unfolded it. Tiny, swirly handwriting filled the page. A note! From one of your many platonic girlfriends! It may have included Green Day lyrics, or drawings, or nothing meaningful at all. Probably, it cattily analyzed the behavior of another one of your girlfriends, who was caught up in another dating permutation with guy in your small group of friends. Or talked about Ethan Hawke vs. Christian Bale. More than once, it probably contained the following quote from “My So-Called Life”:
"People always say how you should be yourself, like 'yourself' is this definite thing, like a toaster or something. Like you can know what it is, even. But every so often, I'll have like, a moment, when just being myself in my life, right where I am, is like, enough."You quickly got to work writing your response.
You may have passed only small notes. You may have spent recess time in a corner, avoiding the rope swings and the endless games of Red Rover, scribbling away. It was an effort to get out what you were feeling inside, and a secret way of bonding with your female friends, without getting romantic.
You probably eventually started collecting the notes, in a shoebox or a jar. As the carefully folded pieces of lined book paper began to accumulate, you thought about how fun it would be to read them when you got older, to catch a glimpse into your growing pre-adolescent mind.
Years later, if you did find the notes and read them, you probably did have fun reading them. “Man,” you might have thought. “I was a fag even before ‘White Squall.’”
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
This clip, borrowed from Perez Hilton, is truly delicious. At about 1:30, Beyonce takes a huge nosedive down a set of stairs. After less than two seconds, she's up again, whipping her hair around to recover.
Maybe she really IS a superhero!
Monday, July 23, 2007
Even if you ended up splayed out on the stage of the Hole, acting like a Chinese Penis Trap for two Colt stars, you couldn’t have had a gayer night than we did:
8:00 pm: We started out at a friend’s house, where he made fondue and we watched the digitally re-mastered version of “Liza with a Z.”
9:30 pm: After a lot of Chardonnay, our host decided to play the D.A. Pennebaker documentary about the original cast recording of “Company,” with Stephen Sondheim and Elaine Stritch.
10:00 pm: We attended the closing night of the bar Rose’s Turn. If you’re under 50, that’s the lovable piano bar where decaying queens used to go sing along with the classics. Our co-worker calls it a “wrinkle room.” Gay dad and “SVU: star BD Wong was there, singing along with “Cabaret.”
11:00 pm: We decamped for Marie’s Crisis, the only slightly less tragic piano bar one door down from Rose’s. We were beginning to worry that somebody might see us. Just when we thought it couldn’t be any gayer, we spotted Vogue’s Hamish Bowles in a corner wearing gingham pants. This was topped moments later by Project Runway’s Malan Breton, who got up and sang “Mame.”
Next weekend we were supposed to attend the infamous bi-annual “No Diving” gay toga party out in the Hamptons, but we’re afraid if we go, we’ll spontaneously combust.
Friday, July 20, 2007
For me, just shopping for a new pair of shoes is exhausting. I try on maybe one or two new pairs, and I'm ready to call it a day. But a homosexual can sit for hours in Barney's tirelessly trying on dozens of pairs, and when he finds the one he wants, why, he's ready to wear those shoes out to a homosexual club and dance all night. What vim!We've got to start using the word "vim" more frequently.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
We believe our contribution to the conversation that night was the time that we projectile vomited into a mirror as we were drunkenly trying to pop zits (we were in high school!), which was pretty appalling.
Since then by far our best ralphing story was the time Adrian Grenier bought us a margarita at Starlight and then we went home and yuked on our wall (it was last year!).
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
But we’re betting that every time you came across it, you were riveted by “Supermarket Sweep.”
The show was flawless. You learned about household supplies, you developed a fastidious eagerness for earning small amounts of money, and you got to watch “best friends” dress in matching polo shirts and frolick around a grocery store. You had no idea why, but every time they raced around the supermarket, throwing items in their cards (“Get five turkeys!” “Don’t forget the garden hoses, they’re worth a lot!” “Grab more laundry detergent!” “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GRIND THE COFFEE FASTER YOU LAZY QUEEN!”), you got a warm special feeling inside.
Now, every time you get satisfaction from buying an extraneous set of Oxo measuring spoons or fancy spice tins, you probably understand that feeling better. As a child, they were part of the domestic world that you wanted to join - but were banned from because your parents thought you should spend your afternoons in Little League (even though you reliably hit the tee instead of the ball in Tee Ball). Now, every kitchen accessory that you purchase, and every whole chicken that you roast (better than your mom ever could, thank you very much) is a small victory for creating your own home life exactly the way you want it.
Oh, yeah – and if you’re getting fucked in the ass on the kitchen counter, you really don’t want any shoddy products lying around.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
See, we like Elizabeth Edwards. We understand why she and her husband continued with the campaign, we think she's smart, incredibly brave, and surprisingly real. But like it or not, when she decided to go on stumping for her husband in the face of her deadly cancer, she assumed a far more pivotal role than any other candidate spouse (maybe even more than Bill Clinton, who can be excused for having his own opinions because, well, he used to be the most powerful man in the world). Elizabeth can raise as much money as John, she's better at earning headlines, and she has incredible draw as a speaker.
John Edwards has essentially endowed his wife with a co-candidate role. Which is fine, except they're not preaching exactly the same message. Elizabeth is touting marriage equality to the gays, which is sure to draw many to her camp. But that's not what we're going to get if John is elected. I'm not suggesting that gays are too dumb to understand this, but sometimes the positive feelings that are engendered by a touching speech or an inspiring interview is all it takes to earn a vote.
It feels like the Edwards are trying to have it both ways with the gays, who are a high-income, politically active group among the Democrats. In a race between leading Dem candidates with virtually identical positions on marriage equality, there's no way that this won't give Edwards a (false) edge.
We think it's fine for Elizabeth to disagree with John Edwards. But as a co-candidate, to keep emphasizing this point (and to not adequately explain her husband's position) is essentially false advertising.
Are we being naive? Are we underestimating the gays? We're not sure. We just miss the days of Teresa Heinz Kerry. It was so much easier to decide things with the potential of having a drunken drag queen in the office.
Friday, July 13, 2007
We wanted to hate her, and sort of did throughout the first few minutes of the show. But after a while, her positive attitude about America and moments of dry humor really won us over. We think the gays will really like her.
Things we learned about Victoria include:
1) She knows how to smile and actually looks cute doing so.
2) She knows that people wonder why the hell she doesn’t smile, yet makes no effort to change (As she walks out of a Coffee Bean, after confronting Perez Hilton at his “office,” she says quietly, “I’m leaving, got to get depressed,” before she changes her expression to her trademark pout for the cameras.
3) She is still touchy about her husband’s infidelity (when an assistant asks whether she will have to do any work for her husband, Victoria stonily asks, “Why, would you like to? Do you find him attractive?”)
4) Her boobs are fake, and they’re spectacular.
We’re totally on team VB. We’re already practicing, per her advice, to make a face like an inflatable sex doll next time we see the paparazzi.
“Hey guys,” he said, shaking hands with the group. “Seen ‘Xanadu’ yet?”
Gaycial Profiling! Oh, the shame.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Here is an independent woman living alone (widowed young apparently)It's so true. We do love it when men sit on our faces!
completely disengaged from any reliance on a man, who lives in a charming
sea side town. She travels, visiting her long list of friends who are
either wealthy, accomplished, attractive or all of the above. She is
famous, in the good way, kind of a like Carrie Bradshaw, just enough name
recognition to make people suck up to you.
Her "example" though that drove you to Sodom town: She is a feisty biatch
who always stands up for the wrongly accused. She beats the arrogant, macho
and dismissive police detectives not with muscle but with smarts. In each
episode's "J'accuse!" scene, she stands up to the murderer fearlessly and
explains how he/she did it, proving once again that this outsider has
Recap: Female empowerment + rich people + emasculating male members of
authority + champion of the innocent victims of circumstance = you like it
when men sit on your face.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Hello, John, every gay knows that sweaters are for people with NECKS.
“In what Maine town does Jessica Fletcher live on ‘Murder, She Wrote’?”
The girls were silent, but us two gays in the back shrieked at the same time, “Cabot Cove!”
There was an awkward pause, after which we hugged TAHF and quietly thanked him for dating us.
“Murder, She Wrote” was “The Golden Girls” for gays who weren’t queer. Many people thought the show was repetitive and obvious (and that Jessica Fletcher was clearly a murderer because wherever she went, people immediately croaked). But we’re betting that you had a weird fascination with the show. You may not have known about Angela Lansbury’s legendary Broadway past, but something about her drew you in. If you were like us, you may have even forced your family to go on the “Murder, She Wrote” “ride” at Universal Studios, instead of the “Jaws” boat. (In that case, we’re betting your older brother also beat you up in the hotel later).
Whatever the case, by the time you got to the age where you were digging up vintage “Mame” recordings and watching old VHS’s of “Bedknobs and Broomsticks,” you were already hooked. How could you have known dear old Angela was a gateway drug that would lead you straight to the cockpipe?
We used to wonder how they managed to not kill each other in a house together when they both have such annoying voices. Now we realize, we could talk or not talk to David Beckham for hours…
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
ps - something is wrong with blogger and won't let us do titles or post videos. Boo!
It was a beautiful weekend, and the wedding and reception were straight out of Town & Country. Until the couple’s first dance, that is, when they did an entire choreographed routine to “The Promise” by When In Rome (you may recall this scene from Napoleon Dynamite). It was, knowing them, appropriately touching and hilarious.
Sometimes we spend entire wedding ceremonies daydreaming about our own future wedding. Come on – you know you do it to. But during this one, we couldn’t stop thinking about how happy our friends will be, for the rest of their lives.
Congratulations, Will and Bates. We’re couldn’t be more proud.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
You knew all of the words to the songs, and you would sing them as you walked around the house - perhaps even bobbing to "Do Re Mi" like the children in the movie, in their new curtain lederhosen. You may have even dreamed of auditioning for one of the young roles in the show at a nearby community theater. You could never get over the bravery of the nuns for hiding Maria and her family. And something about Max Detweiler really spoke to you, but you couldn't put your finger on it.
Why wasn't your family exuberant and musical, you may have pouted. Where was your spunky governess with the voice of an angel? And how on earth did they really pull off that puppet show??
Whatever it was about "The Sound of Music," it changed something within you. Every time you went camping with your family, you imagined you were musically fleeing the Nazis. Every time something bad happened, you sang "My Favorite Things." Every time you passed a gazebo, you imagined you were Liesl, and Rolf was about to take you in his arms.
Yeah, you were okay until that last one. After that, you were gay for good.
Our dear, straight, manly dad looked at us.
"Hm," he said, nodding sagely. "He got fat, didn't he."
And to think we were ever afraid to tell this man we were gay.
Monday, July 02, 2007
The Advocate also has the Simpsons on its cover this week. We were one of the writers that was approached to write the piece a while back, but they ended up going with a different guy(perhaps because we use bizarre constructions like "we were one.")
When you think about it, The Simpsons really did make it okay to laugh about gay people - the right way. The initially homophobic Homer Simpson was basically Archie Bunker, except even more ridiculous (as when he starts performing gay weddings). And remember how cleverly they handled Patty's coming out episode - where her lesbian lover turned out to be a man, and instead of winding up with him, she dumped him because he had a penis?
Care to discuss your favorite gay Simpsons episodes? We'd reminisce, but we're too busy thinking about how we could have been getting a fat paycheck this week...
Sunday, July 01, 2007
See, our great uncle (brother to said grandmother) was gay. We never really knew him, but he was very successful and had a partner of nearly 30 years. According to our granny, they were "extremely devoted to each other." For the first time, we got up the nerve today to ask her about him, and what his life was like as a gay man in the forties, fifties and sixties. She said that it was odd - there weren't many people living openly like him and his partner. But if there was any negative reaction, she never heard about it.
"People wouldn't dare say anything to me," she said, "because it was obvious how much I loved them."
We've never been sure about what our older queer relative meant about us being gay, genetically. But in light of what we talked about last week during Pride, this seems particularly relevant.
And meanwhile - to our brother, if you're reading this, you're so not inheriting the Winslow Homer from her. She already gave us her grandmother's wedding china. You may be able to have the great-grandchildren, but we'll always have the taste.