WHY YOU ARE GAY: Supermarket Sweep

There were times when you were young when nobody was around, and you were left with the remote. This is when you took control of the TV and unabashedly watched random, slightly effeminate programming, just because you could. Maybe you developed a taste for “The Mary Tyler Moore” show on Nick at Nite (or, let’s be honest, “Rhoda”). Perhaps you just watched soap operas or Talk Soup. You might have even watched “Body by Jake!” (Oh Jake, even your muscles couldn’t catch all those orphaned dreams.)

But we’re betting that every time you came across it, you were riveted by “Supermarket Sweep.”

The show was flawless. You learned about household supplies, you developed a fastidious eagerness for earning small amounts of money, and you got to watch “best friends” dress in matching polo shirts and frolick around a grocery store. You had no idea why, but every time they raced around the supermarket, throwing items in their cards (“Get five turkeys!” “Don’t forget the garden hoses, they’re worth a lot!” “Grab more laundry detergent!” “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GRIND THE COFFEE FASTER YOU LAZY QUEEN!”), you got a warm special feeling inside.

Now, every time you get satisfaction from buying an extraneous set of Oxo measuring spoons or fancy spice tins, you probably understand that feeling better. As a child, they were part of the domestic world that you wanted to join - but were banned from because your parents thought you should spend your afternoons in Little League (even though you reliably hit the tee instead of the ball in Tee Ball). Now, every kitchen accessory that you purchase, and every whole chicken that you roast (better than your mom ever could, thank you very much) is a small victory for creating your own home life exactly the way you want it.

Oh, yeah – and if you’re getting fucked in the ass on the kitchen counter, you really don’t want any shoddy products lying around.