We Woke Up Feeling Satin and Depressed.

What did you do last night? Hiro perhaps? Did you have a vodka soda in a plastic cup and flirt with a boy in American Apparel undies? Maybe makeout with a summer intern from Dubuque?

Even if you ended up splayed out on the stage of the Hole, acting like a Chinese Penis Trap for two Colt stars, you couldn’t have had a gayer night than we did:

8:00 pm: We started out at a friend’s house, where he made fondue and we watched the digitally re-mastered version of “Liza with a Z.”
9:30 pm: After a lot of Chardonnay, our host decided to play the D.A. Pennebaker documentary about the original cast recording of “Company,” with Stephen Sondheim and Elaine Stritch.
10:00 pm: We attended the closing night of the bar Rose’s Turn. If you’re under 50, that’s the lovable piano bar where decaying queens used to go sing along with the classics. Our co-worker calls it a “wrinkle room.” Gay dad and “SVU: star BD Wong was there, singing along with “Cabaret.”
11:00 pm: We decamped for Marie’s Crisis, the only slightly less tragic piano bar one door down from Rose’s. We were beginning to worry that somebody might see us. Just when we thought it couldn’t be any gayer, we spotted Vogue’s Hamish Bowles in a corner wearing gingham pants. This was topped moments later by Project Runway’s Malan Breton, who got up and sang “Mame.”

Next weekend we were supposed to attend the infamous bi-annual “No Diving” gay toga party out in the Hamptons, but we’re afraid if we go, we’ll spontaneously combust.