Thursday, November 08, 2007

Our Goddamn Gay Roommates Are Always Asking Us To Write a Post About Them, So Here Goes.

So, as you may or may not have heard, Bigmouth has two gay roommates these days. Gone are the days when a heterosexual couple ruled our roost. In their place have arrived two different flavors of fags. One is a burly marathon runner who loves to cook experimental meals. The other is a spritely (ok, Jewy) law student who supplies a lot of witty (ok, cruel) banter around the apartment. We must say, though we miss our previous roommates desperately (especially Fishwatch!), they are truly a delightful pair of people to live with. Except, we've found that everything that's great about them comes with a caveat. Hence, a list:

1) They are both far better dressed than we are... Except they both have short arms and we don't fit into their clothes.

2) They don't have long, feminine locks that get caught on everything, including our clothes… Instead they have short body hair that they are constantly trimming that gets caught in everything, especially drains.

3) They are not nasty about the apartment getting messy… They're just nasty AND messy.

4) They always want to go out and drink…. Yeah, um, blessing and curse.

5) They always have delicious, unhealthy food around the house, yet both remain quite trim… While we do not.

6) They're both huge whores… See #4.

7) They're very chipper and chatty in the mornings… See #4.

8) They are handsome and always on the prowl… So nobody every looks at us in bars any more.

9) They feel comfortable borrowing any and all of our products…. And porn.

10) Other friends now constantly ask us about a cute guys we know on Facebook… which means we will invariably have to deal with other said friends in our bathroom in the morning in the near future.

11) They loll around in their underwear on the furniture all the time… Yeah, and then one day we got scabies from our couch. See #6.

Overall, it's much more of a boon than a burden to live with two cute fags. But, you know, let the buyer beware. Gays are much louder during sex than straights, as it turns out. And it's unlikely your straight guy roommate will ever get up in the morning, hungover, and ask you, "Did I give you a blowjob last night? I have rugburn on my knees."

*Please, don't worry, that's not us in the picture.


fishwatch said...

miss you too bigmouth. And FYI i totally borrowed your porn all the time.

LL said...

I was wondering why that DVD was out in the middle of the coffee table.

Tim said...

I'll take the one on the right!

enotaipes said...

The red bearded guy on the left is tastylicious. Red hair in any form totally mesmerizes me. Yum. The twink on the right? Generic. Pretty smile though. Hopefully he grows some hair eventually. I used to have the problems you discuss - so thankful those days are long past.

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