"Half The People In This Room Are Mad At Me, And The Other Half Only Like Me Because They Think I Pushed Somebody In Front Of A Bus"

A twink and a dyke were elected prom king and queen at Buffalo Grove High School in Illinois last week. A Chicago NBC affiliate rightly judged that this touching tale is best told in slideshow form:

Were you expecting us to write something funny? No, no, no, silly gooses. This is like when Saturday Night Live spoofs Iron Chef - and it ends up exactly matching the original show. You can't embellish perfection.

Otis Was A Man

Allow us to do a little translation for you of today's Page Six lead item, involving Camryn Manheim, her puppy son, Milo, and male model Jeffrey Brezovar. To summarize, Brezovar donated sperm to Manheim, Manheim used it to make a baby in her belly, and then Out Magazine wanted to write about the whole thing. Manheim initially agrees, then panics, backs out, and a gossip item is born. But in the article, there are some nuances a lay person might miss, so allow us to translate for you:

PAGESIX: Manheim's rep didn't return calls or e-mails.
TRANSLATION: Manheim's rep did return calls, but asked to just be called a source so as to seem more legit.

PAGESIX: "Camryn is a huge supporter of the gay and lesbian community, but she wanted to shield Milo from any unwanted public scrutiny of having a 'Gay Dad,' " said our source.
TRANSLATION: "This kid is already doing blow in the sandbox with Ava Phillipe and Rocco Ritchie. He is not ready for his closeup," said Manheim's rep.

PAGESIX: Manheim was also said to be concerned because of "Jeffrey's relationship with Oprah Winfrey's [openly gay] interior designer Nate Berkus [whose last boyfriend, Fernando Bengoechea, died in the tsunami last year.] Camryn is worried that Jeffrey's higher public profile is going to negatively impact Milo."
TRANSLATION: "Quick, name some famous gays. ANY gays, don't have to be men. Isn't that cute guy from Oprah single? He's kind of cute, but in a tortured way. What were we talking about again?"

But seriously. We want to be friends with Ava Phillipe. Can you give her our number?

You Should See What Happened To The City-Loaned Dishtowel

Spokane Mayor James West might be in trouble for looking at gay websites on a city-loaned laptop while traveling, reports the AP. West is the elected leader of a major US city - so this discovery obviously raises many important questions. For example:

* Will this affect his re-election?
* Would this be newsworthy if they were straight websites?
* What are you, eight? Don't you know you should always delete your cookies?

But the most eye-opening part of the AP story is here:

West is pressing a court fight to prevent release of a second CD, which West's lawyers have said contains offensive material, plus the identities and photos of hundreds to thousands of men whose privacy West wants to protect.

Hundreds to thousands of men who might be compromised, eh? We guess that's understandable. He is a hottie. ...Wait, what's that you say? The man pictured above is actually New Paltz Mayor JASON West? And THIS is Spokane Mayor James West?
And you wonder why every time we leave the east coast, we glue our ass cheeks together...

New York Times Visits Dartmouth, Blacks Out, And Remembers Nothing

We know this post isn't that gay, but it does involve booze, chest thumping and a pair of slippery balls, so we feel that's good enough. If you're the last person to not be emailed the New York Times' front page article on beer pong, go check it out now. It's an amazing article - but there are some minor innaccuracies:

In beer pong, each team stands at the end of a table in front of a triangle of cups partially filled with beer. Players pitch the ball into the other team's cups. When a player sinks the ball, the other team must chug the beer and remove the cup from the table. When a side runs out of cups, it loses.

What they are describing here, is actually beer pong's terrorist cousin, Beirut. Even we know that, and we only drink clear liquors. Still, our favorite part of the article is when a Budweiser spokeswoman has her very own margarita moment:

But Ms. Katz said Bud Pong was not intended for underage drinkers because promotions were held in bars, not on campuses. And it does not promote binge drinking, she said, because official rules call for water to be used, not beer.

Ooooh, right. The official rules. If only someone had told us that the official rules called for vaginas to be used, not assholes, we wouldn't be in this mess!

But Those Bush Twins Sure Are Fag Hags

Radar Online attempted this week to lump together all of the disparate rumors about gays in the Bush administration into one story... about how a story should be written about all of the disparate rumors of gays in the Bush administration. The point of the article, written by blogger/outer John Aravosis, is not that these people are gay - it's that someone should write about whether they are gay or not.

Hrm.

We've heard all of the rumors. People say such naughty things: Secretary of State Condi Rice munches box. RNC National Chairman Ken Mehlman prefers it in the pooper. Harriet Miers slaps backs (we WISH we knew how that worked). Everybody and my mother has heard them. So why, Aravosis cries, are only the bloggers writing about them?

The answer is simple: they're not. Not even cock-mouthed blogger Mike Rogers has outed, convincingly, one of those characters. Because as far as speculation goes, there just isn't sufficient evidence. So far, no woman has admitted sampling Condi's sweet, sweet yellowcake. Not one man confessed to making a unilateral thrust on Mehlman's governing compound.

And so far, no ladies have admitted to fucking Harriet Miers' floppy vag with a veiny strap-on.

But hey, when that happens, will someone send us an email? Fagats@gmail.com. We'll trade you Eve's sex tape.

Did You Know Black People Don't Watch "Top Gun"?

Speaking of gay, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are set to get married in Cancun, according to Britain's trash talking trollops, the 3am Girls.

While Katie, 26, wants to get hitched before her bump gets too noticeable, her 43-year-old beau is also keen to make things official before the arrival of their little bundle of joy. A source close to the couple tells us they first chose the hotel four months ago - long before Katie discovered she was pregnant. "Tom's old fashioned," our spy tells us. "He wants his child to be born in wedlock. He's very romantic and wants everything to be in place before the birth."

Ah yes. His Scientology religion, after all, was invented over fifty years ago! That’s, like, half of a hundred. And aliens have been around for-EVER! Tom is way old fashioned.

The girls describe the wedding’s proposed venue, the Ritz Carlton in Cancun, as “exclusive.” Which we think is exactly right, if it’s only drunk frat guys that they want to attend. Dibs on the Sharpie when Tom passes out!

These Days They'd Just Go On Jerry Springer And Pull Out Their Cousins' Weaves

We hate Andy over at towleroad.com (even though we love him) because he got to see "Brokeback Mountain" and we haven't yet. Check out his stirring review here.

We DID, however, get to talk to director Ang Lee last week about the gay cowboy flick. Understandably, he is quite excited about the early buzz for the movie - which many deemed too controversial for mainstream audiences. It won the top prize at the Venice Film Festival recently, and critics are already giving earnest thumbs up. Lee told us that one of the challenges, even tougher than the gay stuff, was portraying the American West in an honest and fair light - and using writer Annie Proulx (who wrote the original story) and Larry McMurtry (the "Lonesome Dove" writer who penned the screenplay) as teachers.

"Both of them are legendary figures," Lee admitted. "I used the pressure to think positively. I had to make it work, I had to prove that the movie can match the great writing. They are great teachers, they are very generous in telling me about the West. Not many movies really portray the real life of rural American West, and those two are the masters. It’s a special relief that they both liked it. They both loved the movie."

Wow. It's compelling that this was such a serious concern for Lee, who was embroiled in all of the movie's other hot issues.

Now, back to the sex. This is what Towleroad has to say:

The two actors make out hungrily, wrestle around, intimately embrace naked by the golden light of a campfire, and if you've read the Proulx short story you'll remember this bit: "Ennis ran full-throttle on all roads whether fence mending or money spending, and he wanted none of it when Jack seized his left hand and brought it to his erect cock. Ennis jerked his hand away as though he'd touched fire, got to his knees, unbuckled his belt, shoved his pants down, hauled Jack onto all fours and, with the help of the clear slick and a little spit, entered him, nothing he'd done before but no instruction manual needed."

If that doesn't spell Oscar, we don't know what does.

Fag Meets Hag

Congratulations to our drinking buddy and fellow blogger Perez Hilton, who finally met his maker. Perez, whose hilarious blog is an homage to Paris (and everything pop culture that she represents), befriended Paris recently in New York, and made a splash on the red carpet in Vegas when he ran into her this weekend:

"Paris came over, gave Perez a big hug and a kiss and then proceeded to give him an exclusive five minute interview, the only one she would grant that night," gushes Perez.

We've met Paris a few times, too, and can understand why he's so excited. Deep behind the wonky eye, the drunk-even-when-sober personality, the incessant pot-smoking and the steadfast refusal to wear underwear - there lies the icy heart of a ruthless bitch.

Of COURSE gay men love her!

Isn't This A Funny Picture, Considering He's Into Bondage?

Andrew Sullivan, America's crusty gay grandpappy, follows up on yesterday's nostalgic Observer piece, also lamenting the death of queer culture. Sullivan waxes poetic in a concise 6,000-word essay, taking us through the rise and fall of gay rights - and stopping in at a few leather bars along the way. His thesis is that societal change is inevitable, and we can't stop it from coming.

All over our faces.

Sullivan, like Sicha yesterday, is very obviously distressed that the days of bathhouses and backrooms are coming to a close. But he recognizes, at least, that the vigorous and creative culture of the seventies and early eighties was birthed from a womb of fear and persecution. And Sullivan concludes that maybe, perhaps, it isn't so bad that those times are coming to a close.

What's our take? We weren't really paying attention. We've got more important things on our mind.

We'd Live The Life We'd Choose, We'd Fight And Never Lose

We were always under the impression that the gay rights movement was started, in part, so that gay men would no longer have to look in dark corners of secluded parks or in dirty public bathrooms to find empty and anonymous sexual release.

Silly us. Those were the glory days!

We never understood why the older generation liked mustaches and flannel so much, either. But we'll go with it.

Apparently, the eradication of such lonely/erotic/dangerous places is really getting the oldies down. The New York Observer’s Choire Sicha waxes nostalgic today on the city’s bygone “nooks and crannies for crooks and trannies," and yearns for the birth of new cruising venues. On the lost seduction of the piers in Chelsea:

"And for all the autumnal-evening sexual tension of workers free from their desks, and for all the cock you can see swinging in shiny workout shorts, well, there’s not much in the way of release, because the whole place itself is built to discourage such acts."

So... that's... bad?

But there is a bright side! According to architect Carles Renfro, who has been working on the project, the plans for the new Highline Park will include lots and lots of dark and overgrown places for anal rape love connections!

“People will cruise,” Mr. Renfro wrote, “whenever and wherever there are glances exchanged. The ‘L’ train is the cruisiest and sexiest public space in town.”

...sometimes, there are no words.

Olly Olly Oxen Free!

As much as we've tried to ignore it, today is National Coming Out Day. The holiday was invented in 1988 by people who clearly missed half of the fun of being gay - which is going out to FIND the other gays wherever they are hiding! After all, how are the rest of us going to rack up homo points if we don't do any more recruiting?

But it seems like the perfect opportunity to turn the looking glass on our favorite subject of discussion. Ourselves. When was the last time you wouldn't date a cutie because he was "too gay" for you, only to be told later by a drunk friend that you are, in fact, more nelly than the guy you negged? This happens to us on a daily basis.

We will always be alone.

Anyway, the Human Rights Campaign has made an easy test to see how gay you are. Take it and see how you measure up! When we took it, we got "You're somewhere over the rainbow - but not all the way to the pot of gold!"

We can accept that. We're WASPy, we wear silver anyway.

A Dead French Bitch Is Still A Bitch

It is worthy of note that “FHC’s Aborted Blog” (the only blog dying of a mysterious disease) finally expired yesterday, on Columbus Day. FHC’s insane Ameriphobic rants made us laugh every day, as did his careful cataloguing of young gay Washington, DC social life. Now we’ll be forced to go back to Wonkette for our daily dose of Beltway buttplunging. Here are some of our favorite FHC moments:

“The first gay guy I ever met in the states was my university chaplain, Father Brien McC., a very good professional I believe and yet a hungry sodomite (who specialized in getting high on weed Spanish students, gave me a leather jacket once and ended up secular in Madrid I believe).” -Thursday, September 15, 2005

“During my first months in the states I would have sex with people just to be civil, politely sit agonizingly through endless diner with scumbags and naïvely systematically pick up bills. I learn little by little from my roommate to say things like “goodbye, you bore me with your ridiculous conversation”, “it’s true I said I wanted to have sex with you earlier, but now that you are naked I changed my mind”, “could you please go away” or “if I am not taking your calls it is actually because I do not want to talk with you”, “"I just wanted to let you know you ruined my evening”, “why don’t you pick up the bill as you are the only one that enjoyed dinner ?”, “I hate you and you are stupid for asking if I want to see you again tomorrow”. -Friday, September 16, 2005

“To me there is no strangers, only enemies you haven't met yet.” - Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Luckily, when life gets us down, there is always the DataLounge.

...And Inexplicably, All Gay Magazines Were Rendered Obselete...

O.

M.

Fucking.

G.

Tom Ford is back (and baby has GOT back). Fagtastic photog Steven Klein, who brought you the amazing Brad and Angelina spread for W a couple of months ago, has created another masterpiece for the mag. His shots of the former Gucci honcho are just plain creamy. Ford also appeared in last month’s Harper’s Bazaar, so it looks like we’re going to be seeing a lot more of His Royal Hairline. He’s got a fragrance to push and an eponymous* line of “Tom Ford” menswear.

(And no, we don’t get royalties for allowing them to use our butt in the polishing shot. Cheapskates.)

*eponymous, for you illiterate types, means "expensive and faggy."

Best State Of Mind: Denial

We know you've been waiting with baited breath for someone else to tell you what's cool - and now finally, you can rest easy. The New York Blade has declared that Hell's Kitchen is New York's sweetest gay neighborhood in their annual ranking of what's hot in gaytown. Boy were WE looking in the wrong place. Here's what they have to say:

These days, you’re likely to see as many Chelsea boys tippling at Barrage and Therapy as xl or Splash. It’s not that Chelsea’s over; rather, that HELL’S KITCHEN has finally come into its own as a gay ghetto. But Ninth Avenue isn’t the new Eighth Avenue. HK has a style all its own — a little grittier, more street. Or maybe not. But don’t call it Clinton!

We don't know what the hell they're talking about with Clinton, (or tippling for that matter - does it involve VCR cleaner?) but this is a great relief. We were very concerned that 9th Avenue was going to become the new 8th Avenue. We almost lost as much sleep as that time we heard Asian was the new Hispanic.

Other highlights of this scientific ranking include:

*Best Men’s BarStaff pick: Gym Sports Bar (or Eagle)
*Best PartyStaff pick: Alegria (or Krash Chelsea)
*Best Promoter: John Blair and Mark Nelson
*Best Late Night: Cafeteria

We are very grateful for this poll, which taught us the following things:

*The readers and editors of the New York Blade have a median age of 75.
*The readers and editors of the New York Blade have never been east of 6th Avenue.
*We don't know any readers or editors of the New York Blade.
*We are so very young and twinky.

What Is It About Powerful Mother Figures?

Geena Davis' son on "Commander in Chief" might come out as gay in an upcoming episode, reports Andy from towleroad.com (with whom we are frantically in love, btw). Yummy Manhunt alum Matt Lanter, who plays the boy half of Davis' teenage twin set , will likely be up to the challenge.

This is spectacular because after "Desperate Housewives," "Will and Grace," and "It's All Relative," TV land is thirsty for a primetime show featuring an empathetic gay character with solid morals and a strong family. This is an opportunity for ABC to show that young gay people are three-dimensional characters who aren't all about sex and sleaze...

HA! We totally had you going there. The real reason that this is great news is that Lanter has fantastic tits, and we bet we're going to see lots and lots of them!

("It's All Relative"??? We don't even know what the hell that is...)

Real World Out-Onions The Onion.

London's hippest fag hags, the 3am girls, have come up with a story not even we could make up:

MICHAEL Jackson enjoyed his night out at Billy Elliot: The Musical so much that he invited the whole cast to join him afterwards in his hotel for a drink. The singer, who's in London to record a charity single for victims of Hurricane Katrina, caught the smash-hit show on Saturday night. A source close to Wacko reveals: "Michael thought the production was amazing. He asked the actors to come and join him in the Dorchester hotel for a post-show celebration."

We love their deadpan delivery. No mention of "boychild," "Jesus Juice," or even "elephant dance." Priceless.


And thus Tinkerbell's light finally sputtered, and went out...

We're Here. We're Queer. We Live in Fear.

We don't even know where to begin with this one.

Helem, the first gay NGO in the Middle East, has launched the Arab world's only gay magazine.

....must...resist...cultural...insensitivity...

We managed to get our hands on a galley copy of the first issue, and to be honest, it doesn't look half bad! Here are some highlights:

COVER STORY: There Is No Kylie But Kylie, And Madonna Is Her Prophet - A thousand years behind on pop culture? Here's a handy dandy user's guide...

ADVICE COLUMN: Cheating houseboy? Sand in the foreskin? Petroleum really not the ALL purpose lube you thought it would be? Our Sultan of Sex has the answer to every forbidden question...

FEATURE: Kipa on top? Condom on cock! - Clues about Jews for people who hate them...

FASHION SPREAD: Does this Kuffiyeh make me look fat? - The Style Sheik solves all your sartorial conundrums...

FEATURE: What if we want 72 boy virgins in heaven? - Answers to all your steamy questions about same-sex suicide bombings...

Ahhh, yuck yuck. We've got a million of them.

What's that you say? You want our mailing address...?

People Always Think He's British, But It's Just Because He's Gay.

We normally hate people who use the phrase "The BBC version was just so much better," but if you didn't happen to catch comedian Graham Norton's talk show "So Graham Norton" before he came across the pond to Comedy Central, it's really too bad.

But now his show has come live to a theater near you (well, if you live in New York somewhere between Off and Off-Off Broadway), and the Associated Press sent an intrepid reporter to give us an advance preview.

"He is known for making fun of eccentric Web sites on his British talk shows — even phoning the authors on the air" writes the author, correcting a common misconception, which is that Norton is actually best known for meeting innappropriately young men at Duvet on Thursdays and then taking them to red carpet premieres.

But these days, he's got a whole new batch of tricks up his sleeve (Ha! Tricks! We're dying!):

Graham Norton is calling a gay sex hot line from the stage of his off-Broadway stand-up comedy show, talking to men in a breathless voice over speaker phone as the audience tries not to snicker too loudly. One after one, the guys hang up as Norton says — with a completely straight face — that he's gained weight recently and was horribly maimed during a circumcision.

Wait...just...a...damn...minute! Is the AP attempting a humorous lede paragraph? With cultural relevance? And, no, it can't be... is that some edginess, we detect?? Are you karate kidding us? One of the last bastions of serious, bland and boring journalism crumbles to the dust, following in the heels of the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal.

At least we still have The Advocate.

"Dammit, Cuddle Monkey! The Fags Are On H&G Again. I Need A Zima, I'm All In A Tizzy!"

We normally hate to give any notice to the haters, but after the recent legalization of civil unions in Connecticut, there's been an expected backlash among Christian conservatives. While even the most right wing groups are wary of "ex-gays," the few and the un-proud insist upon drawing attention to themselves.

Take Stephen Bennett, for example, who is speaking there to try to "Set Connecticut Straight." (Ha! A pun! He learned something from being gay!)

Bennet [sic] says while all human beings deserve to be treated with love, all behaviors do not need to be encouraged or tolerated.In response to Connecticut's new law advancing homosexual rights, he comments, “America better wake up; that's all I say. I don't mean to sound harsh or angry, but it's gotten to the point right now where homosexuality is just so accepted now, it's being promoted on every television show.”

Bennett observes with marked exasperation that, in today's pro-homosexual mainstream culture, one “can't even watch the Home and Garden Network” without running into pro-homosexual affirmation. Nowadays, he says, even the once innocuous home improvement "reality shows" feature gay and lesbian couples, where they come in and make over their homes."

Apparently, when you go back to being straight, you don't get to keep your sense of irony.

On his typo-ridden personal website Bennett claims to have slept with 100 men during his 11 years in gayland. Which makes us wonder: We let Bennett come and go (frequently in one night, it seems) without trying to change him one way or another, and this is the thanks we get? Next time, we won't bother.

These days he may need the Bible and a congregation to cry out the Lord's name, but we remember all it used to take was some double anal porn and lubed-up can of spraypaint.

Zing! God, we love being queer.

"You're Sayin' The FBI's Gonna Pay Me To Learn To Surf?"

Falling victim to the oldest gay fallacy in the book, Australian filmmaker Ed Aldridge has decided to make a movie about gay surfers.

The film will be shot around Sydney’s beaches in January, and tells the story of a teenage surfer from a small community who falls in love with another boy. The two will embark on a passionate love affair, which Aldridge says will be “sexy”, pushing the boundaries and comfort levels of the mainstream audience. It explores the themes of sexuality, teenage lifestyle and love. “Everyone in the film industry keeps telling me to tone the sex down,” Aldridge says. “I think part of it is an inherent homophobia in society that is happy to deal with gay characters as long as they’re not actually having sex.”

About the subject matter, Aldridge says: “There must be gay surfers, I just don’t think they are out.”

We hate to be the ones to do this, but it seems like it's time...

JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT SOMEONE TO BE GAY, DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY ARE.

I mean, God, we all wish there were gay Mormons, or gay cowboys, or gay hobbits, or gay Cillian Murphys, but we can't always get what we want, okay?

And plus, didn't they already make Point Break?