CGI Cock Shots - Film's New "Locker Room Shower"

So, we couldn't help but have our interest piqued by this Towleroad post about the upcoming CGI Beowulf film, in which writer Roger Avary discusses how he feels about showing a cartoonized Ray Winstone fighting monsters in only his (magnificent) birthday suit:

"When I wrote it, I envisaged the character of Den in the Heavy Metal comic. Den was a character by Richard Corben, who was easily one of my favorite artists. [Den] was this muscular guy with a gigantic schlong. He would always go into battle and beat the hell out of people, totally in the buff. He never wore clothes. That kind of stuck with me. I love it when somebody takes something like a fight — or really any event — and twists it to the point where you're naked doing it. Also, there was a proud tradition of berserkers going into battle naked. It just shows how fearless you are. I don't know about you, but if someone came at me, like, 'Aaaaargh!' naked, I'd be, 'Whoa!' Had we done it [like] Richard Corben's Den, the MPAA would have had huge, huge problems. As it is, I think the movie is going to have to achieve a more tempered rating. I don't think that we're going to be [seeing] Beowulf's gigantic, you know, baby's-arm-holding-an-apple-sized schlong onscreen. However, because this is performance-capture, it's not inconceivable that, at some point down the road, they simply re-render, widen-out shots, move things out of the way and put together a hard-R or NC-17 version of the movie."

We just went to the movie's website to see their adult only trailer (you have to put in your birthdate to see it), which features a CGI Angelina Jolie in the buff, but only a split second of Winstone's ass. Is it pathetic that, while this isn't a movie we'd normally see (it doesn't seem to bear much relation to the "Beowulf" we read in freshman Lit), the addition of a giant cartoon penis would probably make us rent the DVD?

Someone's Finally Hitting Hard on Post Homophobia

We've been really appreciating Jeff Bercovici's coverage of the New York Post's homophobia lately. And today he really drives the point home: practically no gays work there. Read his column today to hear all about the Post's institutionalized prejudice. Also, admire his pic - while not gay, he certainly is dreamy....

The Cock's Liquor License Under Review! Crotch Grabbing in East Village Threatened!

Just so everyone knows, the Cock's liquor license is up for review this week. They've had complaints so it may not be an easy pass (we totally wish we knew what the complaints were! "Men drinking on the sidewalk…Men smoking on the sidewalk…Men too loud on the sidewalk…Men blocking the sidewalk…Men fucking on the sidewalk…). It makes us think back to the first time we went there, during our first summer in New York. It was back when it was the Hole and the basement was used for sex and drugs (well, we saw sex, but as for drugs, back then we didn't know what to look for). At one point a giant muscleman with a shaved head and a ten-pack walked up to us and grabbed our crotch. We were so scared/confused/drunk/slightly turned on that we nearly passed out. Thankfully, we didn't stay at the bar long – and we don't go there often these days. We've begun to start seeing people we know every time we go, and that's never good. Now, for the best "ugly people getting blowjobs" viewing, we know to go to Boysroom.

Well, hello.

So in order to explain why the hell we haven't been writing, we thought we'd give you a little insight into our daily life. See, we got this new job lately. Instead of actual newspaper reporting, we now write a blog. Which is so taxing that by the end of the day, we're not as eager to write on our personal blog. But we will keep trying. Anyway, because we write a blog, we start work from home, and then go into the office around noon. That means that when we begin typing away, our first gay roommate is making coffee and getting ready for work. After a little bit, our second gay roommate gets up and drinks the rest of the coffee, and tries to distract us from our work. This is sort of a fun way to start the day, but also a bit taxing since both first gay roommate AND second gay roommate are huge whores and there's always some sort of drama/man in the apartment in the morning. To our knowledge, first gay roommate and second gay roommate have yet to hook up.

The upside of all of this gayness is that we've started having more dinner parties. The downside of it is that none of us are actually stylish gays, so the apartment isn't any nicer. Anyway, now the main question seems to be when to have our first underwear party. Will it be too chilly in October?

Tastelessness - Now, With Taste!

Wow, it's been a while since we've had an offensive joke from a (former) co-worker. Here goes:

Why is Michael Jackson like caviar?


They both come on little white crackers.

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Larry Craig?

Our dear friend Bates (a.k.a. "Golden Delicious") sent us over this link today, because we got a new gay roommate (more on that later), bringing our apartment 'motal up to three:

Maybe Craig can buy "gay offsets"

By now you've most likely heard of Idaho Senator Larry Craig's [alleged] dalliance in a men's airport bathroom. The pundits have been out in force with the hypocrisy charges, and rightly so considering Craig's past stances and actions. But considering how often liberals react when conservatives question people like Al Gore and other "greens" about their own hypocrisy, I'm wondering when we'll hear these same libs wondering about "why shoot the messenger" and saying "but isn't the real issue ..." regarding the Craig incident.

Perhaps Craig can be like many Hollywood dopes (and Al Gore) but instead of purchasing carbon offsets he can buy gay offsets to "reduce his gay footprint" (or, more accurately, his "wide stance").

Goldy's suggestion to us was, "Maybe you guys could sell gay offsets to Republicans on the side?" Not a bad idea!

They've Really Put Their Finger In It. Um, On It.

Now, to be clear, we love Gayz of Our Lives, but we have to say – these clips that they've captured (hilariously) pretty much encapsulates why we are terrified of going to Fire Island.

If Anyone Saw Us On Friday, That Wasn't Us.

After many weekends out of the city, we were finally able to get out and debauch ourselves over the past couple of days in New York. It all started on Friday night when we took our tall and handsome friend to a US Open party at Ono, where we hoped to ogle Andy Roddick. We waited almost two hours before he did come, and by that time we had helped ourselves prodigiously to the open bar (which served us poorly later). Eventually it got so awfully straight (men in bronzer, women with their asses hanging out) that we had to leave. Our next stop was the birthday party of the glamorous Eric S., who was at Therapy with Dylan P. and Charlie H. There, we ran into Martha Stewart's cute gay nephew who we knew in college. After that, we went to some roof party that some twink was hosting in Hell's Kitchen. Just as we arrived, they ran out of booze, so we went with TAHF to buy two 18 packs of Natural Light to share with everyone (well, one was for everyone, the other was just for us). When we returned, we were delighted to see Lance L., Michael S., and Rocco who we love but whose last name we don't know. And finally, after a night of leading us on, FHC himself arrived from DC, looking extremely tan and gorgeous. Unfortunately the twink who was hosting the party had a panic attack and kicked everyone off the roof before we had finished even one case of Natty Lights, so in a huff TAHF and some of the rest of us stuffed our pockets with beer and skulked out, wandering around in Hell's Kitchen with open containers until we arrived at the Ritz. There, we continued to drink our own shitty beers and dance to music of the lowest caliber, surrounded by people of the highest. Sadly, we were unfit to be seen in public and eventually realized this, and stumbled to a cab.

Whereupon we lost our cell for the first time in our lives and spend the next hour pleading with a cabbie over the phone to return it. We woke up phoneless, with a crippling hangover – but by the end of the day the cabby had returned our phone and we were ready to go out again, this time in Harlem. It was a great reminder of how fun it can be when you stay in town and get off your ass. Happy Birthday Eric!

PS...

...wait, what?

Why You Are Gay: "Quantum Leap" and "Remington Steele"

When you were little, you probably mostly watched kid television – like "Full House," "Blossom," or "Eureka's Castle." But we're guessing there were a few adult shows that, for whatever reason, you began to follow. For us, those were "Remington Steele," and "Quantum Leap." They were good action shows, with strong plots and not a lot of season-long arc. You could get a great time out of watching just one episode here and there, and not have to worry about following some drawn-out "X-Files" like storyline (we know, we know, "X-Files" is part of why you're gay, too, we'll get to that).

But as you grew older, watching re-runs of "Remington Steele" and "Quantum Leap" became a different experience. You stopped hoping for the part where Scott Bakula zapped himself into another wacky life, and started wishing there were more episodes where he was an Olympic diver. Instead of enjoying the G-rated flirting on "Remington Steele," you wondered why the hell Pierce Brosnan didn't just fuck Stephanie Zimbalist already. So you could watch.

The shows may have gone off the air before you realized you were gay. But every time you see Scott Bakula in an ABC Family Original Movie, we're betting it takes you back some. To a day when, admit it, you thought chest hair was a little bit okay. Kind of nice, even. You know, to nestle your face in. Or taste. Or whatever.

Is This Really M4M, or M4Husband?

So we were forwarded (we swear) the following Craigslist posting, which we really, really love. We'll let it speak for itself:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4m/398119975.html

Hung Stud Seeking Smart, GL, Wall St. ex-Athlete or College Athlete - 22

---

Reply to: pers-398119975@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-15, 10:09PM EDT


vgl, masc, smart, hung, very good shape top college guy working on Wall St. looking for a masc, ivy league (minus columbia and cornell) or other comparable college grad who was an athlete (lax, squash, tennis, hockey, alpine skiing, crew, sailing are best) AND is still in great shape, working at a top banking firm (front office only please), Corp Law, or consulting. into WASPY prep school types who are into squash, golf, skiing, art and maybe even knows what a jib halyard is. being well endowed would be icing on the cake. younger than 35 please unless you are exceptional.

Linkage... The Daily Show Is 'Motastic

So we can't seem to get this video onto our site, but check out their Gay debate coverage here!

Man, this whole getting-a-life-and-a-job-thing is really doing a number on us. We liked it better when we just futzed around at work all day and Googlefought our ex-boyfriends!

Don't Cry For Us Fagat Readers, The Truth Is We Never Left You

Hey all – we’re so sorry for not posting last week. We blame it on a combination of getting a new job, having a boyfriend, and not wanting to do anything because it’s August. In other words, it’s not you, it’s us.

We Really Thought Our People Would Go For John Edwards, Because Of The Flippy Hair.

Did anyone else see this story in Newsweek about Hillary and the gays? You should read it. It's not news that the leading Democratic candidates (who favor abolishing Don't Ask, Don't Tell and support civil partnerships) don't support marriage equality and aren't vocal enough about our rights. But we're glad somebody vocalized something we've been feeling a long time: We kind of love Hillary. For no good reason. Maybe it's because she's mom-like, maybe it's because she's almost a powerful black woman, or maybe it's just because she pops her collars – for whatever reason, it's there. God, we're so fucking predictable.

We Have Never Once, In The Eight Years We've Been Going, Heard A Gay Discuss Politics At Beige. Is That Sad?

Our old pal Jamie Kirchick just had an essay in the Boston Globe about being persecuted by his fellow gays because he’s a Republican. You should read the essay, because it’s an interesting point of view. Something that annoys us about New York is that everyone automatically assumes that everyone in a discussion (especially among gays) is liberal. That’s close-minded, and not terribly dissimilar from assuming that everyone around you is heterosexual, or Christian, or rich – if they are not, it can be uncomfortable.

But Kirchick makes the same generalizations about gay liberals that he accuses them of making about Republicans:

“For many gays, liberalism is just as much a visceral, reactionary tendency as it is a positive affirmation of political belief. Many gays I know – especially those from red states – blame conservatism writ large as the villain that repressed them for so many years. Thus, their homosexuality dictates their political views on everything. For these gays, it is just as much a part of the "coming out" process to be a loud liberal as a proud homosexual.”

That’s a blanket statement which discredits the many gay men and women who have extremely nuanced political views. Sure - being gay can heighten one’s attention to politics (it has for us), it doesn’t necessarily make you a reactionary fool. What Jamie is saying is akin to believing that all conservatives who call for immigration reform are inherently racist. Sure, some are – but to generalize in that manner is unfair to the many that aren’t.

We think what Jamie is trying to articulate is the suspicion that some gay people have for some straight conservatives, who they worry might be bigoted deep down. Because homosexuality is so natural for us, it’s hard to understand why someone would object to it logically unless they had some inherent disgust with the concept. But that doesn’t seem to apply to his thesis – which is about liberal gays rejecting conservative gays. Quite frankly, if the person you are dating wants to break up with you because of political concerns – we just think one or the other of you is talking about it way too much.

Plus, the gays all know everybody’s got their own problems in the bedroom. Republicans take too long to finish, and Dems pull out too early. Badda bing!

We Promise, We Do Things That Aren't Heteronormative. Sometimes.

You're going to begin to think that all we do is attend weddings.

But we promise, this will be our last post about our friends' nuptials for the summer. We just couldn't resist this one, because it was so Fagats worthy. See, on Saturday night we attended the lovely marriage ceremony of a good straight friend from college. It was short and sweet, which we appreciated, and featured only two readings, one of which was from "The Velveteen Rabbit." The other, which we didn't at first couldn't place, began like this:

"Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations...."

Those of you from Massachusetts may recognize these as the opening sentences of the State Supreme Court decision in "Goodridge v. Board of Health." The sentences directly following that quote, which went unsaid at on Saturday night but whose message was loud and clear, are here:

"The question before us is whether, consistent with the Massachusetts Constitution, the Commonwealth may deny the protections, benefits, and obligations conferred by civil marriage to two individuals of the same sex who wish to marry. We conclude that it may not."

The bride and groom are, obviously, not gay, but in addition to liking the eloquent sentiments in the reading, they wanted to give a nod to their gay friends and family members that their version of marriage is one that was all-inclusive. It was, we thought, touching and wise.

As was the moment when the bride had to step in to force the DJ to play Rihanna's "Umbrella." Go Kim!

Perhaps The Baby In Her Belly Is Thinking For Two.

Queerty points out that today, Elisabeth Hasselbeck vocalized some of her most liberal sentiments to date - about gay marriage, of all things. It's funny that this happened after Radical Rosie stopped beating her up about everything and putting her on the defensive.

We can't wait for the tortured sexual politics that will come into play when Whoopi is on board!

Amen, Sister

You've probably all seen this clip already - it's Faith Hill going ballistic on a fan after she grabbed the package of Faith's husband, Tim McGraw. We know Faith has gone regrettably nutso before, but in this case, we think she's awesome. Especially when she makes a cupping gesture, to demonstrate specifically what type of ball touching is not allowed.

Well, We Know Somebody’s Got A Gimmick.

Well, we thought our last Sunday was pretty gay. But this most recent Sunday might have just topped it. Last night we went with our tall and handsome friend to Patti Lupone’s final performance at Encores, as Mama Rose in “Gypsy.”

We expected it to be a mo-heavy audience, but we were not prepared for the gayhem that ensued. There were queens everywhere (including Barbara Walters!), and the line for the men’s room was easily four times the length of that for the ladies’ room.

We loved the show very much, and loved being seen with a handsome date among so many theater trolls. But we were completely blown away by the ending. Not by Patti Lupone’s (admittedly stunning) rendition of “Rose’s Turn,” but by the utter pandemonium that rocked the City Center when it ended. The crowd was on their feet for at least fifteen minutes. Men were screaming and weeping. And then, just when people seemed to be calming down, Patti pulled Steven Sondheim onto the stage.

It was like the apocalypse. We actually fled before the applause ended, for fear of we might never get out. On the way, we overheard Babwa say to her date for the evening, Frank Langhella, “Well, it certainly was a MAWvewous pufowmance.”

Oh, Babs. When you’re right, you’re right.

You Know You Are Gay When You Make Your Dog Try On A Dozen Outfits Every Time You Go To PetCo.

In 2002, when we left for our senior year of college, we took our family dog, Sophie, with us. She was already a little old lady Shih Tzu, who preferred the company of people over dogs (see picture, with our housemate Derrick). She used to follow us from room to room, wherever we went, and preferred to be carried rather than walking herself. She was a big hit with the college crowd (one time our roommates got her stoned and she rolled around on the carpet with vertigo for an hour) and enjoyed going to parties. We used to imagine that she had the voice and personality of Angela Lansbury, and that as she sat in the corner of a room full of drunken seniors, she’d look around and begin singing, in her head, “Tale as old as time…”

It was with her that we first realized, a gay man with an attitude can take a small dog anywhere, even restaurants and grocery stores.

Sophie died yesterday at the ripe old age of 15. As anybody who has ever had a dog knows, they become a very important part of your life. We have specific childhood memories of explaining to Sophie, and our other dog Ribsy, things that we didn’t feel comfortable discussing with anybody else. It sounds absurd, but sometimes it really helped to get things out – including, as we recall, the fact that we were gay. Our dogs probably knew before anybody else did. (Oh, let’s be honest, they knew ever since that time we made them wear mittens before going out to play in the snow).

Yesterday, our big brother reminded us of an old Will Rogers quote, which we find to be quite true:

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”

We should be so lucky.