Ex, hex, schmgex.

In light of recent events in our lives, we think it’s time for another FAGAT Guide Rule.

See, we’ve had a lot of ex boyfriend issues in the past couple of weeks. Last week, we re-connected with our most recent ex for the first time in months, because he has our toolbox, and we needed it back (that is not a euphemism, surprisingly). Then, on Friday night, we received a text telling us that our first ex boyfriend met our second ex boyfriend at a party, and were introduced by an even more recent paramour. That’s a chilling bit of information to receive in 160 characters or fewer.

And then on Sunday, our most recent ex’s CURRENT boyfriend appeared, picture and all, in the New York Times Sunday Styles. Granted, the coverage was mocking, but still.

Obviously, this gives us a lot to talk about. So we’ve been violating a basic rule of gaydom, which is to not talk about your exes incessantly. In an effort to help others, and ourselves, we’ve decided that our third FAGAT Guide rule is this:

Talk of ex-boyfriends, husbands, or lovers, is strictly banned until the fourth date with someone new.

The third date barrier is an important one. After that, you’re technically required to explain that you don’t want to see a boy anymore – before that, you can simply stop calling. Also, the third date is traditionally the one where the clothes come off, but let’s face it, that rule is a vestigial heterosexual construct. So it makes sense that on the fourth date, when everyone is on more solid footing, you can bring up your dating history.

You don’t want to wait for too long, but you want to be at a place where you can laugh about the fact that the guy you’re seeing has an ex nicknamed “JumboJet.” After all, you have one with the Spooneristic sobriquet “Dino Rick.” Hahahaha. Life is so funny. Thank God we got that conversation over with.

Waiter, can we have another glass of Pinot Grigio, please?