Hmmm... New Philippe Starck Dining Room Set? Or A Baby. Decisions, Decisions...

When we were young, we used to get a meager allowance. We were forced to give part of it every week to the collection at our Catholic Church (No joke. And thank God, really, because we've gotten QUITE a return on that investment).

But the rest of it we spent mostly on comic books, basketball cards and shiny rocks. Our loving parents always tried to get us to think about saving up for something we might really want, like a college education for our children or a bike with one of those pink banana seats and streamers. We never listened.

And now we realize we're not the only ones. A recent UK study shows that gay men and women make more money on average than their straight counterparts - and also that we spend it mostly on "leisure activities."

"Lesbians and gay men are currently spending the bulk of their wealth on CDs (£800m a year), DVDs (£843m) and holidays – more than £3 billion was spent by lesbians and gay men on tourism last year, according to the study."

We love it when we live up to stereotypes. The leather sling market must be a little harder to follow nationally, otherwise we're sure that would be in there, too.

It kind of makes you wonder what would have happened if everyone just SHARED their copies of "Confessions on a Dancefloor" and gave all the money we saved to Jack Abramoff...

We Guess This Implies A Definition For “Jelly Sticks,” Too.

After telling you about our favorite new term, the “Marcia,” a good friend let us in on another idiom we didn’t know about.

What do you call it when two bottoms date one another?

“Doughnuts.”

Why?

Because they are all holes and no poles!

Yuck, yuck.

We Cheer And We Lead, We Act Like We're On Speed, You Hate Us 'Cause We're Beautiful, Well We Don't Like You Either

Over at Vividblurry.com they’ve started the inevitable Hot Boy Posse debate. We’ve mentioned the HBP in previous posts but we’ve never really explained who they are because we’re hesitant to give them any more attention. But what’s going on at Vividblurry is worthy of comment.

HBP is a group of boys started by this character named GoGo Mike. There have been previous iterations of this group, for generations apparently, but now GoGo is pretty much in charge. It’s a loosely affiliated collection of handsome-ish aging white guys with good bodies who have bound together to form an exclusive club.

In our high school, there was a self-anointed group like this that called themselves the “Sweet Posse.” We kid you not. They came up with this name because thought they were “sweet,” logically enough. They wanted people to resent them but nobody had the energy. What strikes us as most unfortunate about HBP (other than the ridiculous and embarrassing website and promotional material) is that it crystallizes a lot of what is high school-like in the gay communities in even the biggest of cities. Even though there are thousands of gay men in a place like New York, there are only a few places for us all to go out, and even fewer spots that are cool – so it’s possible to know people everywhere you go.

There is a hierarchy based on looks and charisma. And most people don’t know one another, but there are certain people whom everybody knows. In a community where acceptance is extremely important to new members, it’s just a bummer that this kind of setup, this stratification, comes up. If you read the entries in the comments section over at Vividblurry, you’ll see what we’re talking about. People have a hard time distinguishing between their disdain, resentment and jealousy for HBP – potentially because they’re all the same thing. We know the HBP kids just want to have fun, but then again, that’s how Slap Bracelets got started, isn’t it? And look where that got us.

We’re sorry this was such an earnest post. To make up for it, we will tell the only joke that we know:

Q: What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

A: Not being retarded.

Not That We Expected Michael Lucas To Be Literate, But It’s ‘Sex AND The City,’ Thank You.

A really stupendous thing has happened.

We have somehow (through no effort of our own, we swear) made it onto the reviewers mailing list for Lucas Entertainment. We got our first batch of porn to review today.

The DVD is part of a series called “Encounters.” The tag line is priceless: “In New York, with a population of 10 million, SEX happens.”

(Technically, there are only 8 million of us. Does this mean only ORAL happens?)

We have yet to screen this new gem, but from the press release, we can tell it’s going to be a winner. It’s described as a totally new idea, “an homage to New York life – fully embracing the Chelsea lifestyle.” Hmmm… 'Roided out muscle queens having marathons of anonymous sex? This new idea has really knocked our socks off.

(Which, we suppose, is good. We needed something to clean up with.)

But seriously, when can we expect to see porn that is NOT embracing the Chelsea lifestyle? How about an East Village or Lower East Side porno? You know, with thin pretty boys who are overeducated and underpaid and like slumming it in the formerly dangerous neighborhoods where RENT took place?

We would totally cast Topher Grace as ourselves.

Catherine Zeta-Jones Finds Shark, Jumps.

We ran into Alan Cumming at a Chanel dinner at Lever House last week and of course we asked him about the project in which he is involved, the Catherine Zeta-Jones Gay Rugby Musical project.

Cumming explained that he was "attached to it," but didn't really quite know what was going on. "I was in the swimming pool at Palm Springs at Christmas," Cumming (sporting a new shaved 'do) told us. "And this bloke goes 'Hey Alan, I was just called into meet with the director of this movie you’re in.' I said 'Which one?' And he said that one, and I said, 'Oh, well, news to me!'"

We decided to make the pictures on this blog less risque, so that you guys could view it at work (ok, let's be honest, law school), so we'll refrain from posting a shirtless pic of hottie Gavin Henson, who is also "attached" to the film. If you would like to ogle pictures of this English rugby star, we suggest you check out The Blog About Gavin's Tits.

Meanwhile, we're going to go spend some quality time imagining what happened between Joaquin Phoenix and Jonathan Rhys Meyers just after the cameras cut away from them at the Golden Globes...


(ps - Did anyone else notice that no one mentioned the word "gay" once when they were talking about "Brokeback Mountain," "Capote," or "Transamerica" last night? We think the only time it was used was when the "Will & Grace" cast made a joke. WTF?)

“The Marcia.” Learn It. Love It. Live It.

Last month we, together with our roommate Aishwarya, came up with a new and necessary term: “The Marcia.”

Marcia (mahr – shá) : n. A gay man who seems butch until he opens his mouth and turns out to be a giant fag. From the Greek term “hamartia,” meaning “fatal flaw”. Example - "OMG, I finally drunk dialed my internet crush and he turned out to be a total Marcia! You think it's too late to pretend to be deaf so he doesn't talk while we're fucking at the beach house in Rehomo?"

How many times has this happened to you? Someone looks super cute on friendster, and then you see him out at Beige, and he turns out to be a prancing queen. The funniest part is usually that said girly men have no idea the way that they come off – and will often commit the faux pas of teasing other effeminate men. Which is just awkward, for everyone.

Once again, we find ourselves to be ahead of the curved penis. In this month’s “Out,” writer Erik Piepenberg examines this very phenomenon. In addition to discussing the tragicomic genius of faggy muscle daddies, the article makes an interesting point:

“Perhaps what I noticed in the speech of that butch-looking but queeny-sounding guy was a marker of culture, not physiology. Gay men may use ‘gay speech’ in much the same way some racial and ethnic minorities use their own in-group speech patterns, like blacks’ use of what sociolinguists call African-American vernacular English, or, colloquially, Ebonics.”

Holy Hollister! We can get our own SPEECH pattern!? Can we call it “Homosexual vernacular English”, or, colloquially, “what happens to your voice after dozens of cocks slam into your vocal chords”?

To Kal El, Thanks For Everything, Bryan Singer

Calendarlive.com has new "Superman" pictures. And at this point, things have gotten pretty extreme.



Parker Posey as Lex Luthor's evil girlfriend? Could this movie BE any gayer?

We can't wait for the surprise underwater ending scene in that was filmed on HD Steadicam from the inside of the director's hot tub...

What Do You Get When You Cross Russell Simmons With Richard Simmons?

We just got the chance to chat with Roy Simmons, one of the three former NFL players who are currently out of the closet. The other two, David Kopay and Esera Tuaolo, have made more of a name for themselves, but with Simmon's book "Out of Bounds" coming out this month, we think you'll begin hearing his name, too.

Simmons, who played for the Giants and the Redskins from 1979-1984, wrote a crazy book. There's sex with a teammate, bath houses, prostitution, peep shows, booze - it's like a Sean Cody catalog, but in this one, the characters couldn't just go back to their cater waiter jobs at the end of the action.

When we talked to him, we asked him about what he thought the chances are that one day pro football players will be comfortable coming out.

"Minimal," he told us. "That’s how it is. Inless you’re a star, a super, super star. But if you’re just trying to make it, a general player with talent, they’re not coming forward with that, no. It’s not pressing in their life that they would need to come forward and free themselves. Free themselves for the owner to say the next morning, excuse me you’re fired."

So you're saying we've got a chance!

After, if a ball player was gay, he would definitely be a super, super star.

We Always Think We're Missing The Point With These Things.

Does the above advertisement make you want to:

A) Go to the gym immediately and remain there for the rest of your life?
B) Wax your chest and grow stubble?
C) Touch yourself?
D) Look online for the outtakes from this photo shoot, a la Dieux du Stade?
E) Kill yourself?
F) Burn all of your clothes and anything in your apartment that has ever touched a carb?
G) Watch Nip/Tuck?
H) Drink until you forget how much less attractive you are than an Italian model?
I) Go spray tanning?
J) Drink until the guy at the bar looks like an Italian model?
K) Rediscover your collarbone?

Or L) Buy expensive clothing?

Ring, Ring, Ring Goes The Telephone - The Lights Are On But There's No-one Home

It's probably better that our computer won't let us view this at work. Otherwise, we wouldn't be able to do anything else all day...

We're Not Even Going To Mention COSMOgirl!

Our roommate mentioned to us yesterday that he wondered how new magazines could ever start, what with all of the daily refreshed content on blogs. We agreed – even if magazine writing is better edited and more focused, it’s hard to respond to pop culture ahead of the curve of the blogs. Or to report on a niche (cars, sports, gambling, what have you) if there are people who put out copy about it every day for free online.

So it occurred to us that we might be stuck for a while with just the magazines that we already have. Which, to be honest, is pretty grim. So we’ve rounded up a little advice for our current gay publications. We can only hope they read this and take our advice. After all, we did name ourselves The FAGAT Guide…

Instinct: Get writers with a real sense of humor. If Maxim, Stuff, FHM and Giant can find hundreds of funny straight writers, surely you can find one or two gay ones. Eight-pack abs alone do not a monthly make.

Passport: Finally understand that not all of us travel with Jansport backpacks with lots of buttons and rainbow flags on them.

Genre: Get a production budget.

Details: Get it over with and stop clicking [FIND: “man” REPLACE: “woman”] in each article. It’s just confusing for everybody.

Out: Take out all the stuff about old people. Even THEY would rather be reading about young, hot things.

The Advocate: We actually think this magazine is pretty decent, and necessary. But if we had to say something, it would clearly be: lose the lezbos.

Out Traveler: Stop doing stories about places like Morocco, Dubai and Cairo. Why would you ever write about locales where gay people are persecuted and in danger? Does Sports Illustrated write about Provincetown? We don’t think so.

DNA and Blue: Figure out a way to be better distributed in the US. Honestly.

Men’s Health: Just stop pretending.

Jesus Tittyfucking Christ.

The Colin Farrell sex tape has hit the internet.

…And suddenly, handicapped bathrooms in offices everywhere were occupied…

He's Not Gay. He's Just Witty. And Likes To Wear Boots.

We've been chuckling for days about the recent kerfluffle in the UK over Kevin Spacey's name being included on educational materials about gay people in public schools. It reminds us of a time the "Usual Suspects" star chatted up a very handsome friend of ours at a Los Angeles party in the late 90's.

Spacey followed our friend out of the party, but was soon confronted with the fact that our straight-acting pal wanted to head home alone. K-Pax then came out with our favorite never-say-die entreaty ever:


"Hey," he grinned sheepishly. "You don't have to be a waterskier to waterski."


Brilliant.

We Can’t Wait For When Kimberly Stewart Tries To Date One Of These Guys.

Gay TV channel LOGO is now casting for a pilot of a “Laguna Beach” type reality show, located in Provincetown. The camera will follow 8 to 10 P-town boys as the live, love and, presumably, tweak on the tip of Cape Cod for a summer. Here are the questions that prospective stars are supposed to answer as part of the interview process:

* Did you just break-up and need to get away for the summer?
* Have you heard that P-Town is a gay-friendly mecca and you'd like to get your feet wet?
* Do you work at a restaurant in P-Town and wonder what it'd be like to be on a TV show?
* Do you own a business on Commercial Street?

Which, we feel, is completely the wrong way to go about casting this show. If we were going to do a reality show about Provincetown on a gay network, our questionnaire would be something more like this:

* Did you just break-up, and will stop at NOTHING to get revenge?
* Have you heard that P-Town is a gay-friendly mecca and you want to get plunged more time than Wood’s Hole?
* Do you work at a restaurant in P-town and sell crystal on the side?
* Do you own a business on Commercial Street, and wonder what it would be like to murder people?

We would, of course, wait until the interview to find out the rest of the important information, like what was their favorite Melrose Place moment involving Kimberly, or roughly how many penises they fit inside their assholes at once...

We think this list would provide much higher quality television, in the end.

I'm Sorry. I'm Not Familiar With That Term.

The highest Cherokee Indian court in America has decided not to strike down the first gay marriage in Indian country.

"Cherokee tribal members Kathy Reynolds, 29, and Dawn McKinley, 34, married in May 2004 in Oklahoma, just weeks after the city of San Francisco ignited a national debate on gay marriage by briefly allowing same-sex couples to wed ... Because tribal law at the time allowed same-sex marriages, a tribal clerk gave them a wedding certificate. But members in the Tribal Council sued, saying the marriage would damage the reputation of the Cherokees, and the law was later changed. In a December 22 decision announced on Wednesday, the Judicial Appeals Tribunal of the Cherokee Nation, the tribe's highest court in Tahlequah, Oklahoma, rejected the request for an injunction against the marriage."

While the decision to changing back the law to make gay marriage illegal again is a disappointment, it’s nice that the Cherokee court decided not to take away something that had already been given to this couple. They wouldn’t want to be known as… uh… never mind.

Anyway, this is the kind of wisdom and consideration we’ve come to expect from the American Indian Community. After all, these people did figure out how to use the whole buffalo.

Well, You Need To Have SOMEONE Around To Help You Pick Out Shoes.

We were taping commentary for a special on VH-1 today about “Kept Men,” and something occurred to us.

In addition to being official purse holders, what do Star Jones’ husband Al Reynolds, LeAnn Rimes husband Dean Sheremet, and Charlize Theron’s fiancé Stuart Townsend all have in common?







They’re all over 6 feet tall, of course!

Honest, Officer. I Was Just Helping That Sheep Over The Fence!

A senior pastor at South Tulsa Baptist Church on Oklahoma (who regularly preaches against homosexuality) was arrested on Tuesday for soliciting a male undercover cop for oral sex in a parking lot where gay prostitutes are known to hang out.

The pastor, Lonnie Latham, “has also spoken out against same-sex marriage and in support of a Southern Baptist Convention directive urging its 42,000 churches to befriend gays and lesbians and try to convince them that they can become heterosexual "if they accept Jesus Christ as their savior and reject their 'sinful, destructive lifestyle," writes the AP.

His excuse?

"I was set up. I was in the area pastoring to police."

Which, to be fair, could definitely be true. He was trying to help!

It’s just like that time we got arrested at The Cock examining people for testicular cancer.

(Thanks Andy for this)

Perhaps They Should Have Named It "Slightly-Perforated-Rectum Mountain."

The fags over at Not Only But Also have raised a very important question: In Brokeback Mountain, How Did Jake And Ennis Have Sex With No Lube?

“No wonder. Ennis, we know this is your first time and all but it takes a lot of magic lotion to get the rabbit into the hat. That Jack goes back for seconds and thirds without some serious consideration of fixing the friction is laughable. Didn't Ang consult any queers?”

We will admit that we, too, shifted uncomfortably in our seats at this moment – and not just to re-adjust the front of our jeans. Bitch, that had to HURT.

But we’d like to point out that for years we’ve been forced to watch many ridiculous and impossible straight sex scenes. For example:

* The rape/love scene between Sharon Stone and Fill-In-The-Blank Baldwin in “Sliver,” in which he sneaks up behind her and is suddenly inside her without her knowledge, ramming her against a pillar.

* The waterfall fuck scene between Kyle McLaughlin and Jessie Spano in “Showgirls.” Even we queers know sex in a chlorinated pool ain’t that great.

* The reverse cowboy situation between Sharon Stone and Catherine Zeta-Jones’ dad in “Basic Instinct.” If you think Jake Gyllenhaal was hurting…

So cut us some slack on the lube thing. After all, we remained quiet all those times in films when women had real orgasms even when they weren’t on top…

There Was Definitely An Episode Of Queer As Folk About Exactly This

A gay rights group has filed a lawsuit against Massachusett’s Attorney General Thomas Reilly for allowing an initiative to reach the polls that could overturn the State Supreme Court’s decision to allow gay marriages. They say his actions were unconstitutional, as a ballot does not have the power to overturn court decisions, according to the state’s constitution. Conservative opponents to gay marriage throughout the state easily obtained the 170,000 signatures needed to get the initiative onto the ballot, mostly through the help of the well organized church networks through the state.

This is all very complicated, and we don’t live in Massachusetts. But what seems clear to us is that these opponents to gay marriage are frighteningly well organized, while we are at best a ragtag crew that gathers together occasionally for cocktails and parades and sunbathing. Nobody carries a pen to these events, much less a ballot initiative petition. (Honestly, we’re lucky if we can even get everyone to wear underwear.)

So we had an idea. What if we started a queer RELIGION? (Unitarian doesn’t count, even though it’s pretting fucking gay.) The Mormons did it less than two hundred years ago! Something that everyone could agree they believed in - that everyone loved and wanted to get involved in. We could take the best elements from other faiths! We could invent heirarchy of holy figures, like the Catholics. Following the Buddhists, we could practice our religion on our own in a quiet place, or in groups if we chose. Like Fundamentalist Christians, we could encourage gays to donate money regularly - and there could even be online worship. That way we could create an huge database of contacts, and reach people quickly and easily!

And hey, for the Jews we could even throw in some institutionalized guilt.

Now if we could think up something like that...

Anti-Gay Politician Wears Popped Collars, Once Laughed At Will & Grace

Conservative hacks are rumbling that Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, a vocal anti-gay rights activist, is just too 'mo friendly for a national GOP candidacy:

"He opposes gay marriage, refuses to allow out-of-state same-sex couples wed, and supports amending the state constitution to bar gay nuptials, but for many in the the right wing of the Republican Party Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney still is too tolerant of gays and lesbians to get their support for a presidential bid.

They point to a 17-year-old Massachusetts law that allows governors to issue one-day certificates to officiate at weddings. Romney has been granting dozens of those certificates to people who want to perform same-sex weddings for friends and relatives. The certificates cost $25. The Boston Globe reports that last year Romney approved 189 requests for special certificates used by people who performed same-sex marriages."

We like this line of thinking. We can't wait for when McCain gets disqualified by Republican brass for being "soft", and Condi Rice loses out because she's just a bit too, well, "white." Alan Keyes for the GOP in 2008!

This Year, We Resolve To Only Have Promiscuous Sex With Cowboys.

Well, 2005 is almost over. And looking back, it's been quite a year. Since every journalist in America is on vacation now and has phoned in year-end wrap-ups, we'll spare you. Instead, we've come up with some suggested New Year's Resolutions for our people, the gay people:

1. After years of bastardization, take the “I” out of the word “boy.” We’re not all Phillipino rent-a-tents, here.
2. Realize that “Desperate Housewives” has jumped the shark. Start tuning in to “Family Guy” instead. Bree has nothing on Lois.
3. Locate t-shirts with sleeves. Related – finally understand that no one believes we are #9 on any sports team, much less one that is called “The Abercrombie Bears.”
4. Find a sassy overweight black woman on American Idol that we DON’T like.
5. Stop being the go to guy in the office for gossip on “Project Runway” and “America’s Next Top Model.” Related – never, ever mention “Skating with the Stars.”
6. Learn an ass exercise that performs the same function that the kegel does for women. Teach it to those who need it. (You know who you are. This one’s for the team.)
7. Prepare for loss of “Will and Grace” by learning to enjoy one televised sport. This may sound terrifying, but it will not be nearly as bad as trying to watch “Four Kings” instead. (Note – do not pick hockey as your sport. Not only will this fail to make connections with your straight friends because nobody watches hockey, but you will quickly find you prefer the look of basketball, football and baseball uniforms. Also, tennis – the Bel Ami of ESPN - does not count.)
8. Finally learn that lingering eye contact does not foreplay make.
9. Make one lesbian friend. But no more than that.
10. Stop assuming that men in bars with baseball hats are bald underneath. They are, but when you assume it makes an ASS out of U and ME.
11. Figure out what’s so great about getting slapped in the face with an erect penis. Perhaps someone could email Chi Chi about this.
12. Devise a way to get DJs to play Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” year round.
13. Prepare for when people ask us whether we think Tom Cruise is gay. The answer should be an emphatic “No.” He is a freak, and there’s a difference.
14. Stop assuming that Orlando Bloom, Jake Gyllenhaal and Hayden Christensen are gay. U and ME will never tap that ASS.
15. Teach a straight friend how to wear a scarf, even though this will be confusing for us in the wintertime. They deserve to be warm, too.
16. Force our fag hags off the couch and into the dating world. We need that couch for sex.

And finally-

17. Don't forget to fight - even if you live in New York or LA and life is easy for you. Give regularly to the Human Rights Campaign. Read the news. Vote. Have a debate. Come out. Get to know a close-minded person so well that they one day say "I have a gay friend." Do whatever you can.

See you in 2006!

Certain Websites Would Have You Believe Differently, But...

Old gays and young gays don’t communicate well, according to a new study. We agree with this sentiment. Last week we got stoned and went to see “Gay Sex In The 70s.” We had no idea what anybody was talking about.

And there wasn’t enough sex.

But seriously, the report brings up an important issue: How can the older generation of gays who struggled so much pass on their knowledge and wisdom to a group of people who are facing a different set of problems?

Luckily, we don’t deal with important issues. If we were able to communicate with the older generation, we would ask them: Why the mustaches? And all the flannel? And the acid-washed jeans? And honestly, what’s the logic behind letting Bette Midler into a place where you all had sex?

We’re sure they’d have a question or two for us, too. The answers of course, are: Yes, we will let you buy us dinner and pretty things. No, you cannot touch us there.

And maybe, if we’re drunk, we might let you watch.

So Then, For My Birthday Party, Which Was An All-Girls Pool Party, I Was Like, "Janis, I Can't Invite You, Because I Think You're Lesbian."

We’re not saying anybody is gay or anything. But today’s Page Six item about Bryan Singer’s holiday “Mostly Male” pool party made us recall that it’s about the time of the season for Lance Bass’s “Mainly Mo” New Year’s bash. Our favorite "Mean Girls" star, Jonathan Bennett, is expected again this year. If someone at the party has a moment of clarity during an E downroll, can you please send us pictures of the nonsexual naked chickenfights in the pool?

Because, after years and years, White Squall just isn’t doing it for us anymore.

And Here We Were Thinking, Short People Ain't Got No Reason To Live...

We have just made an amazing discovery.

Nowhere Bar, the strange, always empty gay hole-in-the-wall near our apartment, has a special night every Wednesday. It's called Runt Nite. And it's for - wait for it - short gays.

And the appropriately-sized gays who love them.

This news really made our day. We can't stop imagining how every Wednesday, the Oompa Loompas of New York wriggle out of their trundle beds, get off the stepping stool in front of the bathroom sink, pull on their Gap Kids jeans and flock to Nowhere. There, they can drink .99 cent pints (har!), or half pints, which are cheaper (hardy har!), and attempt to grope one another under the barstools with their stubby Simpsonesque fingers. Brilliant.

If you're looking for us tonight, we'll be the ones walking down 14th Street with the bowling balls ...

KKK Rallies To Oppose Gay Marriage

You know you're doing something right when these guys come out against you.

I MEAN...

Like so many undereducated white people in the 90s, all we can say is:

“GO RICKY! GO RICKY!”


(Thanks to JustJared for this)

It's Called A Dance Floor. And Here's What It's For...

Madonna has admitted that when she was young, she used to sneak away from home and go to gay clubs for fun. It helped her realize who she was, and that it was okay to be different.

"I used to tell my dad I was sleeping over at a girlfriend's house - which essentially I was. He'd say, ‘I want to take you dancing to a club.' I had no idea where we were going and he took me to this gay disco in Detroit called Menjos," Femalefirst quoted her, as saying. "It was just amazing - to see all these men dancing with one another. I'd spent my whole life feeling like a freak and an outsider and that nobody understood me and suddenly I felt like it's OK to feel different," she added.

We’re glad we could help, Madonna. Especially since when WE were young, you helped us realize who we were, and that it was okay to be different.


(Sometimes, we are so gay, it burns when we pee.)

Mistletoe Is For Queers.

Merry Christmas!

(If you hadn't guessed, we here at Fagats are members of the Christian Right and refuse to give in to you PCers who insist upon non-denominational December greetings.)

We're blogging from a public library in Wellesley, Massachusetts, so cut us some slack about the lack of posts. We'll be back on Monday, better (and drunker (and singler (and fatter))) than ever. Talk to you then!

(PS - There is no Jesus. Fuck you, Johnny.)

And You Thought 2xist Underwear Was The Only Thing You Had In Common With Osama Bin Laden

When we heard recently that the government was spying on us, we were initially unconcerned. According DMV we live in Maine. According to our voting records, we live in New York. And according to the phone company, we don't exist. We never really gave our fearless leaders the credit to be able to track us down in a pinch. Remember, this is a group of people who think that the world was created in six days, but haven't been able to find a man attached to a dialysis machine in Afghanistan in FOUR YEARS.

But this article made us pause. The government found a gay "Kiss In" protesting "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" worthy of monitoring for terrorists:

"A February protest at NYU was also listed, along with the law school’s LGBT advocacy group OUTlaw, which was classified as “possibly violent” by the Pentagon. A UC-Santa Cruz “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” protest, which included a gay kiss-in, was labelled as a “credible threat” of terrorism."

We have friends in NYU's OUTlaw, and they are the biggest sissies we've ever met. They are to terrorists what Britney Spears is to Bloc Party - things that are not similar.

Bush can rant all he wants about the need for monitoring risky activity, and that would be fine, if his definition of "risky" activity wasn't so broad and, well, retarded. But it is, and now all this spying into our personal lives doesn't seem so sexy anymore. Maybe someone should do something.

We'll start. We're going to stage a "Fuck-In" at our apartment. That'll teach 'em.

We Just Got Off The Bus In Maine And Boy Are Our Wrists Tired

We are on vacation (Hey, giving handjobs for cash in the basement of the Port Authority pays well, but it has a high burnout rate) again, in Maine this time. Since our "modem" up here is actually a dixie cup tied to the end of a piece of yarn, the internet becomes a little more difficult to use.

So we'll try, when we can, to post links to other people saying interesting things. For example, this super-fucked up article in the New York Times about children selling webcam pornography of themselves.

"A six-month investigation by The New York Times into this corner of the Internet found that such sites had emerged largely without attracting the attention of law enforcement or youth protection organizations. "

Looking at kiddie porn for six months?? How come WE never get the good reporting jobs...

BLOG SEES F.O.D.

Well. We are one step closer to being able to die happy.

We met Ian Somerhalder last night at the afterparty for the opening night of his new play “DOG SEES GOD.”

We’ve run across a fair number of celebrities in our day, so we know this is a cliché – but boy is SHORT. We were particularly amused by his posse of pretty boys who not only adoringly watched his every move, but also doled out the evil eye to all of the other men (including us) who were checking Somerhalder out. Ian was wearing a little pageboy hat and was looking very fey.

We would have scanned the room for his “very close friend” David Kalstein, but we didn’t know what he looked like so we just resorted to staring at Ian. He has a very firm handshake, very blue eyes (possibly contacts) and definitely suffers from the Asian Flush.

On another gay note, “Dog Sees God” is based on what happens to the Peanuts characters when they grow up. Schroeder (played by super hot Logan Marshall Green) has a gay fling with Charlie Brown (played by Eddie Kay “Shitbreak” Thomas), and Somerhalder (Pigpen) has a drug-induced threesome with Marcie and Peppermint Pattie.

Which made us wonder – what ever happened to Calvin from “Calvin and Hobbes”?

We’re afraid to ask.

You Say Tom-ay-to, I Say Hate.

Utah State Senator Chris Buttars wants to ban Gay-Straight alliances in Utah schools.

“In my mind, if you are in the chess club, what do you talk about? Chess," Buttars said. "If you are in the dance club, what do you talk about? Dance. If you are in a gay club, what do you talk about? I just don't believe members of sexual orientation clubs should be sanctioned by the public schools — what they are talking about even a part of the public schools. They should not be allowed to have that on school property at all. It's just wrong."

We were completely unsurprised to read this biased article on the topic in the Deseret News, the official Mormon news source. And imagine our lack of shock when we discovered that Buttars himself is a devout Mormon.

If we may indulge in a little reclamatory language, “We don’t have anything against Mormons. Many of our good friends are Mormons. But it should be kept in private - we don’t see why they feel the need to subject us to their alternative lifestyle.”

Here's another gem from the article:

"Equal access does not allow for illegal or immoral activities, (nor) does our Utah law. Would they allow a marijuana club? A tobacco club?” asked Utah Eagle Forum President Gayle Ruzicka.

Ruzicka, unlike Buttars, was not born a Mormon. She converted.

Here we go again: “Being an imbecile is not a genetic trait, as stupid people would have you believe. It is a conscious choice.”

Awesome and Awesomer.

It’s times like these when we shake our fists at the gods and cry: “Why don’t we have a better understanding of html!?”

We have just intercepted an invitation to the FIRST EVER, National Convention Of The Hot Boy Posse!!!

Yes, you read that correctly.

If you don’t know what the Hot Boy Posse is, you’re either a) way behind or b) not an aging prepster and have better things to worry about. Either way, it’s not worth explaining – the name pretty much says it all. But the email is a four page Acrobat guide to a weekend in Los Angeles during which Hot Boys (not just any hot boys, mind you – CAPITALIZED Hot Boys) will gather, copulate, and then awkwardly exchange business cards and bicker over whose ribbon belt is really from J. McLaughlin.

Here are highlights from the email, which we couldn’t figure out how to post in its ab-tastic entirety:

Los Angeles, CA – Jan. 13-16, 2006
YOU are invited to participate in the BIGGEST, the BEST, and the
FIRST ever NATIONWIDE HBP PARTY event in history!!!
What is HBP Weekend?
In our humble (and highly-biased!!!) opinion, few things compare to the
EXCITEMENT and HYPE that fill the air when a group of successful,
attractive gay boys get together. There have been many smaller scale events
in past, but HBP Weekend represents the first ever targeted mass gathering
of gay boys from every major city from COAST TO COAST!!!
Put quite simply, we have NEVER been so EXCITED about one of our
events!!!

TRANSLATION: We think EXTREME PUNCTUATION and CAPITALIZATION will emphasize how tweaked everyone will be all weekend! (!!!)

If you plan to stay at either [designated] hotel, you are encouraged to make your hotel reservation NOW before others catch notice and potentially book up
availability.

TRANSLATION: Let’s try to take over both hotels. In past experience, other hotel guests tend to grow annoyed at all the slippery doorknobs.

Are couples welcome? Couples are welcome and encouraged to attend!!! If for any reason you are dating someone who did not receive an official invitation, please notify us so that he may be extended a formal invitation.

TRANSLATION: If you are dating someone ugly, never fear. There is a reserved petting zoo area.

We’re really, REALLY sorry we couldn’t upload the pictures (or the edited spoof version, which deserves the Pulitzer), but we’ll keep working on it. Email us or post comments with suggestions.

And We're Back!

We’ve been very bad about posting, we realize, but lay off us! We had a migraine today, and not the good kind.

We’ve been hearing from several of our friends that they didn’t like “Brokeback Mountain” as much as we did. This we can accept. But one friend suggested that we wouldn’t like it so much if the cowboys weren’t so pretty, to which we say: “name one Oscar worthy straight romance in recent years where the lead actors weren’t attractive.” And King Kong doesn’t count.

So here’s what we’ve missed in the past couple of days:

This is amazing.

This is not.

This is great news.

This is hot.


(well, not hot in the traditional sense. But what is quite sexy is that our loving co-worker brought us back some Berocca from Australia just in time for the holidays!)

Breaking: Gay Director Likes Handsome Younger Boys

We love Radar Online, but its Fresh Intelligence section has some issues. The writers don’t know how to piece together a gossip item. Their stories sort of ramble on, they don’t organize what’s important and put it on top, and they leave a lot up to speculation.

Take today’s item about gay X-Men director Bryan Singer. Aside from the fact that it’s similar to what we wrote a couple of days ago, it doesn’t really say anything. It hints that MAYBE Bryan Singer wanted Brandon Routh to play Superman because he is so handsome (ya THINK?). It adds that Singer likes to put together “gay movies” with stars like Kevin Spacey, Ian McKellen, Alan Cumming and Hugh Jackman.

We like it when a writer’s Wolverine sex fantasies get ahead of his fear of libel.

The story ends with the interesting internet theory that Routh will come out as a grand publicity stunt just before the movie opens. Summing up, the item says a whole lot of nothing. It’s as if they sat around Bowery Bar on a Tuesday night, shot the shit with a bunch of pomade queens with vertically striped shirts for a couple of hours, then wrote the whole thing down and put it on their website.

If that qualifies as journalism, call us Peter Fucking Jennings.

We Think The Role of Jay McInerney Should Be Played By Michael Lucas

The rights to gay writer Bret Easton Ellis's new horror book "Lunar Park" have been scooped up by a film company looking to make it into a feature. There are many obvious problems with this: The whole point of the book is that it is a fictionalized account of a seemingly real BEE. Does that mean that he has to play himself? Also, much of the book is based on questioning whether the author is hallucinating. How will that translate onto the screen?

And the book was terrible! Why would they want to make that into a movie??

But the most pressing question, we think, is: How dare they start work on a movie version of "Lunar Park" when they haven’t made the movie of "Glamorama"?? We’ve been waiting years to get a visual of that bisexual sex scene!

Ha ha. "Bareback Mountain." Ha.

A moment of seriousness please.

Last night we attended the New York premiere of "Brokeback Mountain." It was a star studded affair - we were in the popcorn line behind Julianne Moore and Sigourney Weaver, we watched Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams' boobs get up close and personal, and we witnessed Chazz Palmentieri cut the food line at the buffet. The event was as gay-studded as anything we've ever been to, and we've been to the Barney’s Warehouse sale. Andy Towle, MTV's John Norris, and representatives from GLAAD and the Point Foundation all made appearances.

But most importantly, the movie was good. Punch-you-in-the-stomach good. We still feel sort of beat up about it. While we wouldn't characterize it as a "gay" movie, it really underlines the fact that there are no good movies with male-male love stories. The way it leaves you feeling at the end makes you realize that you've been missing out on something when you’ve seen every other great romance drama – your whole life, you haven’t been feeling what straight audiences have been feeling.

And that sucks.

The movie isn't perfect, but Ang Lee has some moments exactly right. We think you will really like it. And yes, the sex scenes are hot. No, they're not too short. Yes, you see Heath and Jake's asses. And yes, you will cry.

(And yes, that is our roommate with Anne Hathaway, who we love in the movie and in life)

Does Yeshiva University Have This Same Problem?

We’re confused.

And not about our gender.

Boston College recently ordered its student LGBT club to change the theme of their annual AIDS benefit dance from “A Night In Gay Paris” to something “less gay” in order to fall more in line with the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church.

"Gay students are accepted and welcomed at Boston College, but as a Catholic university we cannot sanction an event that promotes a lifestyle that is in conflict with church teaching and the mission and heritage of Boston College," Boston College spokesman Jack Dunn said.

We don’t understand. Is this the same college whose law professor, Kent Greenfield, organized a multi-university lawsuit against the Department of Defense over the right of the military to recruit on campus? Is it, or is it not, the same school whose venerated law school kicked said recruiters off campus because of the D.o.D.’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy because it goes against their discrimination policies?

And, more importantly, don’t they realize gay-themed parties are a cornerstone of college debauchery? From the Sex.Power.God party at Brown to DKE hazing at UVA, drinking just isn’t the same without a little homoeroticism.

What we really want to know is: What does this mean for the a cappella?? Think of the a cappella…

Uh-huh.

Our boyspy spotted Marc Jacobs’ hooker friend, hefty Louis Vuitton duffle in tow, at the HIV testing center at Callen-Lorde community health center in Chelsea today.

If life is one big joke, we think we’d be really good friends with its writer.

Who Needs Spandex?

When we heard that cutie Ben Foster was drafted to play Angel in third X-Men movie, we were a little flummoxed. Ben is in the exact boycandy mold of Shawn Ashmore, who plays Iceman. But unlike the series’ original (gay) director Bryan Singer, X-3 director Brett Rattner’s taste runs more toward Amazonian black superathletes than fey little fresh-faced cubs. Angel from the comic books was older than Foster – so we were surprised by this casting move. We know what Shawn Ashmore had to do to get his role – but what did Foster bring to the table?

Then again, what do we care? Judging by these photos in USA today, Ben suffers from that age-old comic-book hero malady: he is allergic to shirts.

See you at the theaters!

New Young Ownership, Same Old Cumstains

We don’t have much time to blog today, but we wanted to tell you about a new bar that just opened up in the East Village. It’s called Eastern Bloc (and yes, the décor involves lots of sickles and red fists. Foresight?) . It’s located in the old Wonderbar space on 6th Street between Aves A and B. Wonderbar was the first gay bar we ever visited (we were 18) so last night’s opening party was full of memories.

The crowd was a mix of older, bearded muscle types and younger, cleancut gayuppies – so we’re interested to see how it evolves over time. We were pleased to see and say hello to Dylan P., David M., Chris M., Warren S., Jim S., Eric B., and our old roommate Joshua whose last initial we don’t remember (or perhaps never knew).

We were having a lovely time, until the moment when a handsome gay pornstar wearing a big gold cross grabbed us and said “Are you really wearing pleated pants at a gay bar?”

Then we fled home in shame.

Look Who's Talking, Too.

Today's blind item in Cindy Adams' column in the Post caught our attention. Think you know who it is?

"Famous actor, genteelly hitting on his male masseur at a West Coast resort hotel, wanted a treatment up in his room. The star's bodyguard promised, "you'll be well taken care of." The masseur is straight. Just as genteel as the star, he genteelly declined…"

Please put suggestions for who you think the famous actor is in the comment section. If your guesses include names other than John Travolta, don’t bother.

Last One To Chug Has To Clean The Hot Tubs After Gay Ski Week.

This made us chuckle:

For the first time ever Telluride guests will be offered the chance to track their mountain experience with the help of a GPS ski tracking service at this year’s Telluride Gay Ski Week, February 26 - March 5, 2006.Skiers, who participate in the program, will receive an armband that is worn throughout the day to gather data on their skiing activities. At the end of each day, data is downloaded from the armband after which each skier is presented with a detailed souvenir map that reflects and tracks their number of runs, vertical feet, speed, calories burned, distance traveled; time skied, & terrain difficulty. The cost to participate is $35 daily.

That has got to be the gayest thing we’ve ever read. And we own a copy of “The Swimming Pool Library.”

"This is really an exciting addition to Telluride Gay Ski Week experience this year," said Tracee Hennigar, Special Events Manager for the Town of Mountain Village. "Both the die-hard and casual skier can capture an actual record of their daily skiing experience. Now you can show proof to your friends and family that you did ski a double diamond."

We understand the need for this. We know if we don’t come up with proof, our friends and family just assume we were doling out over-the-snowpant-handjobs to our Ski Bunny instructors in the Apres Ski Lounge.

Which we were.

We Suspect Charlize Theron Was Behind All Of This.

Well.

South Africa’s highest court has finally ruled that banning gay marriages is unconstitutional. This will pave the way for full homosexual marriage rights within a year, according to reports.

Yes, you read that correctly. SOUTH AFRICA. This is a country whose President, Thabo Mbeki, thinks that AIDS is caused by poverty and not by HIV. And they are ahead of us on the curve for equal rights.

The government hasn’t commented, but we’re suspicious that Mbeki will take this as a chance to look like a champion for civil rights. After all, only Spain, Canada, the Netherlands and Belgium (no, the last two are not the same country) allow gay marriage so far.

This is totally like the part in “Wicked” when Galinda gets to look good by helping the crippled girl, even though she was just being selfish.

We expect this situation to end similarly.

Colin Farrell Buys Thesaurus, Plays Part Of Someone Who Can Read

When we saw that Cillian Murphy was interviewed by Colin Farrell in this month’s Interview Magazine, we almost had a heart attack. Like all Americans, we are a quarter Irish, and we have a soft spot for these two hunks. So imagining them engaging in the inevitable Warhol-induced phone sex was almost too much to bear. Take this steamy piece of Mick Lit pornography, for example:

Cillian Murphy: I’d been in love with [Breakfast on Pluto writer] Patrick McCabe’s writing for years. I think “The Butcher Boy” is up there with Joyce and Beckett as a seminal piece of Irish literature. I really do. This is kind of a companion piece to it.

Colin Farrell: It’s a beautiful absurd world. It’s like taking everything that lives underneath, subterraneously, in all Irish people and bringing it to the surface, the stuff that’s right under that bubbles up in us all. It’s all there in our culture, hidden by bravado and circumstance, whatever it may be. Your work in this movie is really gorgeous, Cillian. Really gorgeous.

Sorry, what were we talking about? We just had to take an extended break in the office handicap bathroom.

Anyway, we’ll leave you with a Farrell’s words of wisdom about the hurricanes he experienced this summer while working in the Caribbean on Miami Vice.

CF: When I was in Miami, Katrina passed us by, but we only got a lick of it. It’s like the difference between sitting beside someone in a bar when they fart and sitting at the other end of the bar and thinking for a second that you smell something but it’s gone and you go, “Must have been an elephant.”

Yes, Colin. Katrina was just like that.

But Today The Way I Play The Game Has Got To Change, Oh Yeah, Now I'm Gonna Get Myself Happy

Apparently George Michael is trying to one-up Elton John by also getting gay married in the UK.

Which really makes us wonder. Are there enough assless chaps in London for both wedding parties?


On an unrelated note, the image to the left is a rough approximation of what we think bad gays see at the exact moment of their deaths.

Yet Somehow We Were Happy That Jennifer Hudson Was Cast As Effie In Dreamgirls.

So we just saw the movie “Mrs. Henderson Presents,” starring the original fag hag, Dame Judi Dench. The rest of you proles will be able to see this movie next month. Now, we have our complaints and our compliments, but what’s worthy of note here is that the movie introduces Will Young in his debut role. If you’re a modern culture junkie, you’ll remember Will from when he won the first season of Britain’s “Pop Idol,” the precursor to our own “American Idol.” Young came out of the closet shortly after the win, and immediately went under an image re-vamp towards soft rock.

Quite frankly, he has a terrible-sounding voice and an audible lisp. And he can't act. Yet someone thought fit to place him opposite Dench and Bob Hoskins in this World War II tragicomedy. Imagine, if you will, if Clay Aiken was cast in a Civil War piece opposite Meryl Streep and Anthony Hopkins, and you’ll get an idea of what a travesty this is.

There is a lot of nudity in this film, both male and female (we see Hoskin’s ying but thankfully not Dench’s yang), and that includes Young. Unfortunately, in the one scene where everyone goes full frontal, Young is turned away from the camera, denying us the only possible pleasure that could be derived from his appearance in this film.

Come on, Will! Even Jude Law flashed us in Talented Mr. Ripley, and he has a tiny penis!

And Don't Even Get Us Started On Nathan Lane. Now THERE'S A Fine Piece Of Ass...

Did anyone else notice how today Liz Smith jizzed all over the crop of actors who played gay this year? Was that weird?

* In "The Dying Gaul," Peter Sarsgaard appears as a struggling gay screenwriter who falls for a married studio executive. We also have "Rent," as a movie musical with its plethora of gay and transvestite roles.

* Then there is Philip Seymour Hoffman, who is playing the famously gay writer Truman Capote in the film "Capote." He is a certain shoo-in for an Oscar nod.

* Another role causing "excitement" is that of Cillian Murphy as a transvestite in "Breakfast on Pluto." (Why is excitement in quotes? Does she really mean “erections?” Even we don’t get this innuendo.)

Woah there, Dykey McTranTran. Just because Cynthia McFadden dumped you doesn’t give you an excuse to start digging into our mancady jar.

But the headline on stories about most "gay movies" should read: "No Straight Actors Have Been Harmed in the Making of This Film." Male homosexuality is certainly the last real-life taboo for real-life male actors. And away from the bright lights of showbiz and the cosmopolitan big cities, what does it all mean for gay men and women across red-state America? Not as much as you might hope.

Now we'll see if Oscar, nervously naked, drops his sword for any of the above-mentioned as winners.

Liz Smith – the Confucius of Carpet Munchers.

We Just Want To Know Whose Bitch He Was In Prison.

When perusing our New York Times this Sunday, we noticed the re-appearance of one of our Hall of Fame Gays into Bill Cunningham’s society pages… PETER BACANOVIC. We love him. We went as him and Douglas Fanuiel for Halloween this year. He is hot, hot, hot and a half. And at 43, he’s clearly hiding a decaying portrait of himself somewhere in Chelsea.

We leapt to the computer this morning to write all about it, only to discover that Radar Online and New York Magazine had beaten us to it. Bacanovic is out of jail, free from home confinement, and ready to play arm candy to all his old fag hags (well, not Nan Kempner - she died) at charity benefits. Word on the street is that he’s moving to Los Angeles to work in the film industry. But what we want to know is, who out there would hire a well-known convict??

AH HAHA HAHA HAHA. Ha.

We kill ourselves.

We Were Frankly Surprised The Brides Didn't Want To Show A Little More Skin.

In Dubai earlier this month, 22 men were arrested for taking part in a mass gay wedding. Some were dressed in traditional arab bride attire, and while the rest were dressed as grooms. As punishment for breaking the country's law against outward homosexual behavior, the group could face "government-ordered hormone treatments, five years in jail and a lashing."

While our original reaction was "Oh, how nice of the government to help pay for the first steps of their male-to-female surgical procedures," we quickly realized that, like always, we were being naive. The government wants them to be more masculine to fix the problem. They want to make up for the lack of testosterone in these male citizens.

Which we realized shouldn't have been a surprise.


Dubai? Overcompensate? Never.

Priesthood, Gays Get Divorce. Extended Battle Over Robes And Candelabra Expected.

We've been trying to avoid mentioning this so far, but it's basically become impossible to ignore. We're talking about the Catholic Church's new rules about gay priests - which include a three-year celibacy trial period for gay hopefuls before they enter seminary, an outright rule against new priests who still see themselves as same-sex attracted, and a weird grandfather clause for those priests who are already in the clergy but see themselves as homosexual.

There's plenty to complain about - hypocrisy, cruelty, homophobia, scientific ignorance - but what we want to know is: should we really care?

It's one thing to protest about the Church preaching hate. They've got a big audience. But as for their interior rules about gays becoming priests? That's their problem, not ours. They're the ones who are going to run out of manpower. We need to figure out why any of us still want to become part of the leadership of that organization. Catholicism isn't like the Republican party - you can't pick and choose what ideology you want to use for yourself. If you're pro-choice, you can't call yourself Catholic. Same goes for gay people - if you believe God made you that way, boom, not Catholic.

To extend a metaphor perhaps a little too far - did black soldiers volunteer for officer positions on the Confederacy side in the Civil War, but say "But I believe in everything else it stands for"? Did Jews join the Nazi party and say "Oh, I just don't agree with them on that point"? Did Melanie Griffith sit quietly while Sigourney Weaver stole her ideas, when she could have been a leader somewhere else?

We didn't think so.

Let the river run, my friends. Let the river run...

Nick and Jessica: R.I.P. 2002-2005

I want you to remember, kids: It's the GAYS that are ruining the way that America's young people feel about marriage.

Thanks For Nothing, Bitches.

Happy Thanksgiving. If you haven't gathered already, we're on vacation. See you on Monday!

And Suddenly, On The Girls' Side Of Camp, "Box Lunch" Took On A Whole New Meaning

We, like so many other responsible young gays, talk about how we want to be parents some day. We’d be great parents, we think. But it’s the little day to day challenges you can’t predict – like the one outlined in this Houston Voice article – that make us worried. Take lesbo mom Paige Parvin’s conversation with her 7 year-old son, for example:

“Well,” he said casually, “there’s this girl at camp who wants to marry me, and she said she was going to kiss me, but I told her I didn’t want to do that because I’m going to get gay with Robbie.”
I froze, suddenly alert. Robbie was a friend he had met at camp only that week. Careful to keep my tone neutral, I said, “Really? Did you tell Robbie that?”
“Yeah. He said he’d think about it,” he answered.

(HE’S NEVER GOING TO CALL, HONEY!)

The column raises all sorts of questions we never thought about, like should children of gay parents watch what they say in anticipation of the homophobia of others? Should children of gay parents assume that they are homosexual before they hit puberty, as pre-adolescent children of straight parents assume they are heterosexual? Can young kids learn tolerance on the playground, regardless of what they learn in the home?

And more importantly, can we get this kid’s number and learn some of his moves?

Because the last time we tried to pick up a seven year-old, it didn’t go that well at ALL.

An Existential Question.

If we weren't gay, would this have still brought our lives to a screeching halt?

It's Because There Isn't A Translation For "I'm Gay" In Arabic

We were excited to learn that only one gay man who spoke Arabic was kicked out of the army for violating “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” last year – of roughly a sixty that have been kicked out for being gay in the first dozen years since the policy was enacted by Bill Clinton. Every year the numbers are going down, we are delighted to report.

This is because we, like the Armed Forces and the Bush administration, are glass-is-half-full people.

We prefer to concentrate on the fact that, while scores of untranslated tapes and documents are piling up in defense warehouses, the military has made a conscious effort to protect national security and the lives of our soldiers abroad - by pretending that gay people don’t exist. Bravo!

Our glasses, you see, like those of the Armed Forces and the Bush Administration, are half full of bullshit.

We Remember The First Time We Came On To A Straight Friend, Too

This month, our favorite hot gay magazine Details brings together our favorite hot gay writer Benoit Denizet-Lewis and our favorite hot ___ actor Jake Gyllenhaal for an in-depth profile of the “Jarhead” star. We almost wet ourselves thinking about the writer and the actor strolling through Runyon Canyon in Los Angeles with Gyllenhaal's dog, getting all sweaty in the afternoon sun, taking a break in their tent, pulling closer to one another, and then Benoit reaches around – oh, wait, sorry. That’s Brokeback Mountain.

While this quote from Jake is likely to get the most attention:

"I approached the story believing that these are actually straight guys who fall in love," he says. "That's how I related to the material. These are two straight guys who develop this love, this bond. Love binds you, and you see these guys pulling and pulling and tugging and trying to figure out what they want, and what they will allow themselves to have."

…we were more intrigued by this part:

During the filming of Jarhead, Gyllenhaal and his costar Peter Sarsgaard, who happens to date Gyllenhaal's actress sister, Maggie, got into a bitter dispute over an incident neither will now discuss. But they eventually buried the hatchet and are good friends again. "He's completely into whatever he is doing in the present moment, and that draws people to him," says Sarsgaard. "But let me tell you, it can also be really annoying. Sometimes he's just too eager. Especially in the morning. We would be driving to the set, and he would be all revved up and play 'Candy Shop' five times in a row. I'm like, 'Can you please turn off that fucking song?'"

“An incident neither will now discuss”? The morning after which Gyllenhaal couldn’t sit still and Sarsgaard was grumpy in the car??

Praise Jesus!

Blogger isn't letting us post pictures again. We'll try to put up the cute shots of Jakeypoo later...

Love Lifts Us Up When He Be Hung...

Like everybody else, we like nothing better than an evangelical gay black man who preaches tolerance toward homosexuals in the church, publishes a book to that effect, then reneges and becomes straight again, pushing the counter logic upon the same audience who listened to him the first time. It’s kind of like Arianna Huffington with an onyx strap-on.

This is a little tricky to explain, but if you click the above link, it outlines how basically this dude K. Godfrey Easter was gay and Christian, and decided he wanted to let other people know it was okay to be both. So he wrote the book Love Lifted Me Because of the Church to spread the word. He even started the website LoveLiftedMeNetwork.com so people could share in his vision.

Then something happened. We imagine it was a Porn Nam involving Lloyd Banks and a pair of nipple clamps - but we're just hazarding a guess.

K. Godfrey did an about face. He wrote another book, called Love Lifted Me Because of the Church: Why One Can NOT Be Gay & Christian. He put a scrolling banner headline across his website that read “MAN – WAS I WRONG.” (Two snaps for that, by the way. He clearly hasn’t gone all straight.) He began preaching against homosexuality.

The moral of the story? He used to like to put things in the out chute. Nobody should have expected him to be consistent.

Now We're Afraid Of Doctors AND HIV/AIDS. That's Awkward.

We came across this upsetting article in Next, in which an unnamed doctor with no listed credentials puts the rate of HIV/AIDS among young gay men at a very high level.

“Based on the numbers I see in my practice, I would say 40 to 45 percent of gay men in lower Manhattan under 40 are HIV-positive,” quoth the unnamed doctor.

That’s quite a statement. Most official statistics put the number much lower. And based on anecdotal evidence, as gay men living in lower Manhattan, we also find this highly implausible. We’re frankly a little surprised that Next, whose job it is to decorate the altar of gay hedonism, would reduce itself to such scare tactics. We’re fans of AIDS/HIV education and prevention – but call us old fashioned, we want to know real facts to deal with real situations.

Next time stick to exaggerating penis size, folks. That’s a surprise everyone can appreciate.

When It Rains, It Whores.

We, like every other fag worth a dimebag in New York, were at the glorious clusterfuck that was the Out 100 awards on Friday night. We were joined by Rosario Dawson, Anthony Rapp, Richard Belzer, Melissa Ethridge, Kelli Carpenter, Marc Jacobs, Sophia Coppola (who is still wearing that garbage bag – someone should make her a new one), Former Gov. Jim McGreevey, and a host of other lesser luminaries like Dan Renzi, Jay McCarroll, and Perez Hilton.

First, we asked Anthony Rapp if everyone was getting too old and crusty to play young starving artists in Alphabet City.

“I think it only changes it in the sense that we have that much more life experience to bring to the performance,” he told us, executing a well-balanced cop-out. “The ages of the characters are never stated. The only age stated is Mimi’s. I think when I look at the film, I don’t know what age people will think we are. I think we look young.” Of course you do. We still tell people we’re 19. “If we were jowly balding, paunchy middle aged wrinkle people, then of course it would be weird.”

If? We’ve seen the ads with Adam Pascal…

Then, we cornered some Out insiders, who told us they knew of the coming PlanetOut.com takeover for about a month, but weren’t sure exactly what was happening. After that (and a couple of martinis), we introduced ourselves to Jim McGreevey, who had brought a date. He was attentive enough to us, though, that he neglected to release our hand after shaking it until he was walking away. Hot! Gross!

Sharon Stone gave an immensely cracked out speech that had been previously taped, Rosario Dawson looked pretty, and Marc Jacobs brought a hooker as a date! (See above picture, courtesy of Patrick McMullan. See also www.rentboy.com.) The pair even disappeared into the bathroom together and emerged looking refreshed. Cliche-tastic!

All and all it was a lovely time.

Eleven Angry Women. And One Sassy Gay.

In an upsetting twist of fate, we were picked for jury duty and will be serving on trial this week. We'll do our best to post in the afternoons after we finish our civic duty - but no promises. Something about the industrial yellow of the courthouse just murders our sense of humor.

On Friday we attended the Out 100 awards and met some lovely gays - expect a full report Monday evening. Rosario Dawson brought her mom, Athony Rapp brought his boyfriend, Jim McGreevey brought a new date, and Richard Belzer brought his dog.

And, as usual, we brought our drinking shoes.

You Really Can't Fight The Moonlight, Can You?

We're not saying there's anything gay about LeAnn Rimes' husband Dean Sheremet - we'll let him do that. But we heard from a friend at the Seventh On Sale HIV/AIDS benefit that Sheremet's behavior was a little bit, shall we say, fey.

Apparently, Sheremet was very attentive to Rimes - but also very attentive to the mancandy surrounding him. Quoth our bodacious boyspy: "I didn't get that he was hitting on me, but that kinda thing where you pass information to one another through a stare?"

No. As gay men who walk around New York City, we have no idea what you're talking about.

So we went on a fact finding mission. Sheremet has his own fansite, works out constantly, is an aspiring actor, and met LeAnn when he was her backup dancer.

And this, we find, to be the clincher:
He starred in an Old Navy ad with Megan Mullally.

We’re glad we didn’t have to spell it out for you. We’d hate to be one of those blogs that outs people.

But What Do You Use If You Only Come Down With A Case Of Homosexual Once Or Twice A Year?

This new prescription medicine made us giggle.

What's funny about the website is that it seems as though they've merely taken another drug's website (Like Propecia, say) and replaced every use of "baldness" with "homosexuality. An easy, cutting way of making a joke. Kind of like how David Spade and Chris Farley cut every use of "Tommy Boy" and inserted "Black Sheep" in their second film.

It reminds us of how we've always wanted to copy the Exodus website and replace every use of the word "homosexual" with the word "Jew," or maybe "black" or "poor person."

But we suspect they wouldn't see the point. As we learn time and time again, irony, like taste in sweaters, is something you lose when you stop being gay.

The Shirtless Cater-Waiters Hadn't Drank Water For Days, But Were Forced To Hand Out Cocktails.

While the Victoria Secret Fashion show took over downtown last night, we scooted uptown to the 5th Avenue Abercrombie & Fitch Flagship Store opening party to worship at the altar of abs.

The place is littered with paintings, sculptures, and photographs of shirtless men rowing frolicking, and gently intertouching. It's like an Eakins painting swallowed the whole store. And then some cock.

Somehow, they managed to scrounge up enough ironic slogan tees and distressed cable-knit river neck merino wool sweaters to occupy five floors. But for your buying convenience, everything was priced at $59.95.

We enjoyed the models handing out drinks (and Dewars shots), but what we really appreciated were the male-loving socialites who showed their faces at the event. Fabian Basabe, Luigi Tadini, and Eric Villency come to mind (though we will admit to our chagrin that we know at least Eric doesn't swing our way). Bruce Weber held court amid a gaggle of models he's taken advantage of, while Michael Musto lurked in a corner and complained about television shows he's never been on.

All in all, it was just like every other party we've ever attended.

Their Eyes Were Watching Cock

Though we are not single, we went onto GayHarmony.net hoping to see a new breed of gay out there. (And because we were pretty sure it was an SNL spoof. It wasn’t.) The site claims to bring together pious fags so they can get on their knees, open wide… and pray together. So we went and searched for guys we would find eligible – men living in NYC between the ages of 18 and 40 within 25 miles of our zip code.

Six matches turned up.

So we went over to J-Date to see how the Jews fared. 13 matches with the same criteria. Better, but still a poor showing, considering well over 1,000 matches pop up immediately on Godless Friendster with the same search.

This is interesting, because we happen to know plenty of Christian gays – and even more Jewish ones. But they all tend to be more open-minded, and prefer operating in the general dating miasma, rather than in tiny religious tidal pools.

We have no idea why this could be, but imagine it has something to do with payot and Christian rock.

I swear to G-d I got that picture on a Jesus website.

Mehlman Told Scooter, Who Told Dreier, Who Told Izzy, Who Told Harriet, Who Told Anderson, That Bush Uses Just For Men!

Much has been made of White House Snitch Scooter Libby's bodice-ripping novel - but did anybody else notice this hidden tidbit about his undergraduate habits in the Yale Daily News over the weekend?

Although Yale had just gone coed, classmates said Libby chose to spend most of his time with his male peers. While some of his male classmates said they remembered Libby as an excellent friend, their female counterparts did not claim to feel as close to Libby."He was really more in with the jocks … in that sort of guy thing," Sarah Birdsall '72 said.

Following behind the jocks...earning the nickname "Scooter"...ignoring women...writing bear porn...spreading catty gossip, and then lying about it...

This all seems to be leading somewhere, but we can't quite put our finger on it.

Thanks to our hot roommate for unearthing this.

Banner Headline: Minorities Have More Trouble Getting Cabs, Oscar Roles

In painfully recent history, the Wall Street Journal has been trying to appeal to hip twentysomething readers with a regular feature by thirtysomething writer Adelle Waldman. This week's service journalism topic? Why it's sometimes hard to be out in the workplace:

The problem there, says Kate Wendleton, president of The Five O'Clock Club, a career coaching firm in New York, is that your co-workers probably already suspect anyway, and by going to great lengths to hide your sexuality, you might actually be drawing more attention to it. Ms. Wendleton suggests that young people neither hide nor make an announcement about their sexuality, but strive to be as casual and blasé about it as a straight person -- mentioning in passing, for example, that you're going on a vacation with your partner, without making a big deal about it.

Next week in the WSJ: If You Brush Your Hair Forward A Little At The Temples And Then Spike It Up In The Front, Maybe No One Will Notice Your Receding Hairline.

We checked back to see some recent articles by Adelle "two-steps-behind-and-a-dollar-retarded" Waldman, and it was just as we expected. Highlights included:

The Risky Business of Office Romance
When a Small Town Beats the Big City
Grappling With Divorce
Ranking a Job by the 'Coolness Factor'

Hey Adele, Jenny 8. called. She wants her unholy soul back.

And also her Bedazzler. Those things are so the new Lite Brite!

This Got Us So Worked Up, We Had To Take A Bacardi Shower Just To Cool Off

Friendster.com has done it again.

First, they ripped the curtain away a month ago, exposing all of the stalking, checking up on ex-boyfriends, and surreptitious spying that was going on when they allowed members to see who had viewed their profiles. This, we thought, was an amazing move.

But then they allowed members to view profiles anonymously. Which took all of the fun out of that. Only a few bold devil-may-care users continued to remain known.

And now, this month - Friendster has put forth quandary worthy of the sphinx: Users can see who has viewed their profiles, only if they agree to be seen themselves.

What to do?

Should you see who is looking at you and never look at anyone else's profile? Should you bank on everyone choosing to remain anonymous and do so yourself? Should you go back and forth between anonymity and openness so that you can properly flirt in a surreptitiously coy way? If viewing openly is the equivalent of lingering eye contact, does this make Friendster useless?

If you were wondering at the beginning of this post what exactly was gay about it, I hope we've cleared that up for you.

Although He Does Look Bigger On Billboards

As with everything we say and do, we were successful in our mission to meet Tom Ford last night. And before 8 pm!

We were quick to ask him about his scorching hot photo shoot in W this month, and wondered whether he had to do some tequila shots before posing nude for photographer Steven Klein.
“He didn’t have to convince me,” he said, looking into our eyes. “I’m very comfortable nude.”

Then, of course, we promptly died.

Ford, who looked absolutely flawless (literally, we couldn't even see his scalp through his quarter-inch long hair), said he missed designing and was glad to come back to it.

“I felt a little bit neutered when I didn’t have something to work on,” he told us. “You know, it’s important for me to have a voice culturally.”

We agree on this important point. We don’t want to see him neutered either.

We Thought We Smelled Chest Hair

Our patron saint Tom Ford is coming to NYC and is expected to be painting the town red tomorrow night (well, lurking in a booth at Bungalow 8, but you know what we mean). We've always been sad that Ford is in a long term relationship with journalist Richard Buckley, because we, like all gay people, would very much like to see what's beneath that that open third button. But today we were slapped back to sense by a gay compadre.

"Silly Fagat," he cried, "monogamy is for poor people!"

We remembered that we have heard of orgiastic coke-fueled parties in hotel suites featuring His Royal Hairline - but we never believed it was true, not our Tom! How shaming!

Then again, he's never passed out on a hooker as he was slurping his way to the bottom of a K-hole, like some designers we could name...

We're going out to try and sneak into his hotel. We'll be the ones with the purse cam!

Satire Writer Concludes Gay Jokes Just Not As Creative As Jew Jokes

We noticed a disturbing article on the Onion recently:

Queer Eye Team Denounces Recent Wave Of Vigilante Homosexual Makeover Groups

This perturbed us. Though the article is full of witticisms, like this:

Though none of the unsolicited-gay-makeover incidents have resulted in fatalities, FBI Fashion Crimes agent Jason Broderick said the deep humiliation victims suffer makes many of them want to die.

..and this:

"Real homosexual makeover experts downplay pastels, consider arugula and sun-dried tomatoes passé, and would never encourage an overweight cubicle worker from Bowling Green, OH to wear an ascot."

..what's upsetting is that the Onion, normally refreshingly biting and relevant, is still laughing with Queer Eye.

We're Back, Crack Is Wack, And The South Has A Lot More Gay People Than We Thought.

Okay, okay, we're sorry. We realize we've been remiss in posting, but we were taking a much-needed vacation with our boyfriend south of the Mason-Dixon line. We relaxed, wandered through Spanish moss-laden streets, and caught up on some TV.

Translation: LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!

But now we're back, and just in time to catch this amazing update on The Smoking Gun. Even though we were in Savannah, we missed out on this one. Turns out that on Saturday night, college student Will Johnson got caught really caught up in his costume, that of the child-at-heart interspecies superhero Lion-O.

As vehicles approached he would jump in front of each car and begin numerous physical gyrations. When the vehicles would honk their horns, he would respond by yelling and cursing at the driver.

For the amount of times Lion-O has saved Third Earth from Mumm-Ra, you'd think they'd cut a cat a break. But here's our favorite part:

Eye contact was made from approx. 40 yards away. The suspect removed his orange Halloween wig and ducked into a crowded club.

Boy, if we had a nickel for every time we've pulled that move. The old "Rip Off The Wig And Run Into A Gay Bar After Making Lingering Eye Contact" trick is one of the oldest in the book. But instead of following Lion-O into the back room and experiencing a sandpapery full body licking, the officer arrested him.

Which, of course, made us wonder: If they make a movie of Thundercats, will Chad Michael Murray Play WileyKat?