So Either Mark Foley's Pages Are Getting Really Bored Or You People Are Messing With Us...

Um...so we just got an IM from an unknown screenname, and had the following conversation. We are not making this up.

Unknown: Heyyy Sexxxxy
Fishwatch: Hi. Who is this?
Unknown: Whaat, u don't remember the guy you f**ked last night?
Unknown: Wasssup.
Fishwatch: No, seriously, who is this?
Unknown: Brian. Who is this?
Fishwatch: [redacted]
Unknown: Oh wow, srry, wrong SN.
Fishwatch: No problem. We usually remember the guys we F.
Unknown: LOL. asl?
Fishwatch: What is asl?
Unknown: age/sex/location?
Fishwatch: Did you really type in a wrong screenname or are you stalking me?
Fishwatch: 24/male/NYC.
Unknown: haha, no your SN is close to this other guys.
Fishwatch: Hmmm. And your asl?
Unknown: 16/m/FL
Fishwatch: OMG, is this "To Catch a Predator"?
Unknown: haha. No. I can send you pics if you want.
Fishwatch: Bye.

We Wrote To The Ethicist Once, But He Didn't Answer Our Question. Maybe We Should Have Asked The Dirty Guy In the Back of Time Out New York Instead.

Dear Fishwatch,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, and I am pretty upset. I mean, 4 years is probably not something you understand given that you are so good looking and it would be unthinkable to ask you to be tied down for so long, but, trust me, it’s a long time, and ending something like this sucks. What can I do to help myself move on?

Sincerely,
Melan Choly


Dear Melan,

Our longest relationship has only been about 4 months long, which we always assumed was due to our thick emotional walls and underlying insecurities. But now that you mention it, it probably is a result of our good looks.

Anyway, a good friend of ours developed this signature 6-step plan over the course of many break ups, some small crushes gone wrong and some as serious as yours sounds, and we have found that it really does work. If it doesn’t, think of all the money you will save by wallowing in self-pity on your couch all day and night.

Janson's 6-Step "Better Than Proactiv" Process:

1. Focus on His Faults.
Did he have gross toe-nails? Did he have really weird dietary restrictions? Did his slim-fit shirts get too slim-fitting? These are things to constantly think about all day long.

2. Maintain Distance.
Absolutely NO late night texts or emails, and ESPECIALLY no texts or emails or voice mails after imbibing substances or watching The Notebook.

3. Surround Yourself With The Power of Friends.
We recommend the long-term, caring, long discussion over red wine, good advice friends, and not the Friendsters you met at the Out 100 party last year whom you text when all your other friends are out of town. Fag Hags are especially useful at times like these.

4. Self Improvement.
This involves a makeover or a new outfit, or finally getting those extensions out. Buy those skinny jeans, you deserve them.

4b. Related, Reprioritize Your Life.
Putting work and your sense of decency ahead of things like taking part in Go-Go Idol at Boys Room? Putting groceries and getting rid off your credit card debt ahead of paying out of pocket for Propecia? Re-think your focus, but maybe not too hard.

5. Find Out Who His New Boyfriend Is And Convince Yourself That You Are Hotter, Skinnier, Younger, Smarter, and More Talented Than He Is.
This one is pretty self-explanatory.

6. Get a New Man.
Also pretty self-explanatory, but can be interpreted as going home with different boys each night for a week or so, OR forming a crush on a boy and having a project. Or both.

Also, please note that while jumping directly to step 6 without carrying out 1-5 is tempting, chances are said man will be significantly older and maybe kind of ugly, and your ex will likely find out about it, making his step 5 all that much easier. And we don’t want that.

Best of luck,
Fishwatch

We Keep Telling Ourselves To Think About the Miles...

Last night we finally got around to opening some mail from the last 2 months and came across our “2006 Annual Summary of Charges” for our trusty piece of plastic, which has every charge we ever made in 2006 separated neatly into categories. Some observations:

• We can see in the “Restaurant Category” every date we went on in 2006, which was a fun, although very brief, walk down memory lane. Not so fun was seeing how many times we ordered an entire pie from Patsy’s 69th Street ($20.59) and ate it, alone, in our apartment, most likely while watching something from Netflix ($10.83/month).
  

• We noticed that on one date back in March, we were charged the same amount twice, which seems to indicate that the waiter swiped our card twice instead of both our card and our date’s card (ladies, gay people split meals when they go out on dates, (or at least this is what the gays we go out with tell us)). This means WE paid for dinner ($40.59 + $40.59). In the end, this may be a good thing, as now we do not feel so bad for not calling said date back.
  

• We got 11 haircuts ($32.47 – $88.76) in 2006, by 4 different institutions. One lady at one institution thinks she is our exclusive hair person.

• We made 105 charges at Starbucks in 2006 for a grand total of $221.55 (105 x $2.11). These charges stopped when we discovered a new coffee place near school that charges basically double what Starbucks does ($4.00 x 16 = $64).
  

• And finally, our internet porn charges ($[redacted]) fall under “merchandise” and not “services.” We guess this makes sense. Our co-pay at our dermatologist’s office ($35.00) falls under “miscellaneous,” and not “services.” Now this we do not understand.
  

See, Anderson? It Didn't Sting That Badly.

We were just emailed the transcript from TR Knight's appearance on the Ellen Degeneres Show today. As we are stuck in purgatory (O'Hare Airport), we didn't watch it, but we liked what we read. Ellen doesn't always talk about being gay, but she has come a long way from the closeted star she was nearly ten years ago. And her public relationship with Portia De Rossi has provided a good example for people learning about homosexuality. Here, Ellen asks TR about the incident in which his bigoted co-star Isaiah Washington called him a "faggot":

Ellen: And then the other night at the Golden Globes I guess Isaiah Washington starting up the whole thing up again which is kind of crazy…
T.R.: Yeah, he denied that he said it (faggot)..I don’t know what to say…really about that.
Ellen: I don’t either, other than it seems like at this point and time we should not say hateful words to one another and we should all learn…
Ellen: I just wish you continued success and that this is out of the way and that people stop saying hateful things to one another or just using that word is dangerous.
T.R.: It is and I don’t know what to say about it but it’s pretty bad..
Ellen: But I’m proud of you, you’re a brave guy.
T.R.: But, thanks to you.. it was ten years ago... but it just made all the difference in the world..
Ellen: It was a different time and things are getting better.
T.R: I was recently watching some of your interviews from that time and it was just .. It was so..I’m losing my words and I apologize it’s just very moving and it just meant so much.
Ellen: Well, what you're doing is going to mean something to other people that are seeing that because you’re an amazing guy, so I’m proud of you.

Granted, TR Knight doesn't quite have the starpower or sex appeal of McDreamy or McSteamy. But he does seem like the kind of guy who would be your friend, and the kind of guy you would want to stick up for if someone called him a hateful name. Hopefully, like Ellen inspired him to be proud of who he was, maybe he one day will do the same for other young gays.

Speaking of which, you know what would really make us proud? If he stopped being such a wuss and fucked the shit out of Dr. Torres.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: "The Neverending Story"

Everybody liked the Neverending Story. But let’s be honest, it struck a chord specifically for us gays. The main character, Bastian, was different from everyone else, an outcast who got beat up by the school bullies. He escaped into a fantasy world where he fit in, and was the hero.

That’s not to mention the fact that:

• The Empress’s palace was basically the most phallic thing ever.
• So, frankly, was Falcor, the Luck Dragon.
• One of Atreyu’s toughest challenge was to run the gauntlet between those two hypersexualized sphinx women, who wanted to zap him with their judging eyes.
• And the next one was to face himself in a mirror to admit who he really was inside.
• The movie’s love interest had was a genderless pre-teen named “The Childlike Empress”
• And come on, what gay man hasn’t fantasized about waking up curled up in the lap of a giant, soft white puppy?

We're sure there's more, but it's already been a long day. Anyone else remember what was so gay about this movie? The jewelry, for example?

And don't pretend you didn't have a crush on Atreyu when you were little. Some of you still do.

Does This Mean The "Bend and Snap" Is A No-No This Summer? Sad.

As you all know, we love it when there is an intersection between "gay" and "lawyers," so the internet was highly entertaining for us today.

As you may have read here, here, here or here, a gay attorney at Sullivan & Cromwell has filed a discrimination suit agaist the firm, alleging that a partner threw a document at his feet and told him to "bend over and pick it up -- I'm sure you like that."

The complaint also alleges: "The next day, [the partner] handed a document to Plaintiff and said 'I just took a shit while reading this, and some might still be on there for you.'"

What we find really freakin' awesome is that this guy is STILL working at the firm. He has not quit or taken a leave or anything of the sort. He's just showing up in the morning with his green tea, chilling in his office, doing whatever lawyers at big firms do (bending over? playing with poop? please don't actually tell us or we might start regretting our life choices).

Anyway, we are SO mad we did not go on our callback to this firm, as, given our luck meeting high profile gays at law firms, we probably would have interviewed with said Plaintiff, be married to him by now, and thus deserving of some of that sweet settlement money coming his way.

Where Was This Lady When We Moved To New York And Had To Lifeguard At A Naked Pool To Pay The Bills?

From Craigslist:

I'm a singer and my husband is a pianist and we have an incredibly adorable
3 month old who needs a great funny man to watch him when I need a nap, cook
a bit for me (I KNOW you can cook honey), do some laundry, and most of all - MAKE ME LAUGH and be a friend. Why a gay man? First of all I love them, and if I meet one more Swedish girl who tells me her childhood was perfect I'll jump off of a bridge. Truth - I want my son to only love his mommy as the female in his life and not his babysitter. Isn't that awful? At least I admitted it. Anyway, please have experience with infants, CPR certified or willing to become certified, speak English very well and have great checkable references. I'm looking for someone who can help me out three days a week from about 2-6, and probably for a couple of hours on Saturdays. My husband would like to put in his fear that he does not want his son to be gay. So if you can leave the feather boa at home and act straight around the boy, great.

Quoth the funny lady who sent this to us: "If everyone were more honest about childcare needs, the world would be a better place..."

Can Someone Please Explain To Us Why CTU Is In Los Angeles And Not DC?

This weekend we traveled down to Washington DC with LL to visit the panoply of gays arrayed there. While we appear to have been added to some sort of TSA security watch list (our tickets now have a special code on them that appears to mean: “ANALLY PROBE THOROUGHLY”), and LL lost his driver’s license in security, we arrived in one piece and were picked up by the gallant Cub B., who was still wearing his sexy beard.

Highlights of the weekend included:

• Being taken to the sex lair of FHC, which is, as you would expect, more full of antique WASP kitsch then a St. A’s basement. We suspect just as many “initiation rituals” take place there, as well.
  
• Stopping by the Diner just long enough to tell Nick D. he is a bad person.
• Ending up at Apex, where we talked to a lovely 18-year-old Australian and the LL-look-alike FHC keeps complaining about. (Someone told us not to hook up with him, even though he is a “great fuck.” Later in the night, said person made out with the look-alike.)
  
• Getting abandoned by LL and FHC to the shirtless freshmen and “Promiscuous Girl” dance remixes at Apex.
• Rescuing Cub B. from the twinks waiting in line outside of Apex, after he incited their ire by accidentally calling them “insipid” while having a private phone conversation with Kevin G. We don't blame him - who knew they would recognize that word?
  
• A brief visit to Be Bar for a reunion of the ex-boyfriends of Alex S.
  
• A brief, fruitless wait in the line at Cobalt, where the same obscene group of twinks again scared us to run to the safe haven of McDonalds.
• Watching hundreds of leather daddies in their natural state (laced, strapped or zipped up) milling about near a hotel where there was a leather convention.
  
• Two trips to the theater to see "Pan's Labrynth" and "Children of Men," both of which left us shaken, a bit wiser, and totally afraid of child-eating monsters with eyes in their hands.
  

Though we did not check off most items on our list, we were excited to spend time with our friends, re-discover some of the positive aspects of Ben T., and remind ourselves of why the DC gay terrain is treacherously incestuous. All in all, it's a great city to visit. After all, if you haven't fucked it, it's new to you!

Sometimes It's Bad To Combine Fantasies. Finishing A Marathon And Getting Eiffel-Towered By Abercrombie Models Are Great Dreams. Just Not Together.

We guess this is what happens when you have to try and top Justin Timberlake's giftwrapped penis.

Apologies that we can't imbed this truly special video, but YouTube is having a cunt parade today, and not letting us do anything.

FAG HAG FRIDAY

Fridays are hard. All we do is basically wait around at our desk for the twenty productive minutes after we stop being drunk and before we start being hungover. The rest of the day, except for those twenty minutes, is pretty much lost time.

So we decided that on Fridays we would allow some of our girlfriends write posts for us on weighty gay issues of the day. Mostly, we figure, they’ll write about what they love best: queers.

So today we bring you our first official Fag Hag Friday entry, from our co-worker and great friend Patsy:

One thing I really appreciate about my best fag is his loyalty in disliking my
ex-boyfriends right alongside of me.

Female friends do not always do this, as female friends inherently want all men to like them. Female friends will say they hate your ex when they are talking to you, but then they will later happily accept his Friendster invitation.
This sort of bff loyalty was displayed the other night when in a drunken state I somehow managed to respond to a text message from a very long ago, very maladjusted ex-boyfriend. I invited him to meet my group of similarly inebriated pals. Said ex-boyfriend approaches my best fag with the tag-line I am sure he is very used to saying given how maladjusted an individual he is, "I'm sure you really don't like me." To which my best fag smiled warmly, nodded politely and looked away.

In the morning my fag said to me, "That was confusing. I couldn't remember if I was openly hostile to that one or quietly hostile. We must keep a list."

Don’t You Like How We Tried To Elevate The Level Of Discourse In This Post By Using Art To Illustrate Our Point?

We just had a slightly appalling office moment. There's no divider between the two urinals in our bathroom and a co-worker, who we thankfully don't know, was using the one next to ours a few moments ago. He finished first, and though we SWEAR we were not peeking (this was an older portly man with a mustache, give us some credit), we think we saw him take the tucked-in tail of his shirt, WIPE OFF HIS PENIS, and then tuck the whole shebang back in his pants.

Is this accepted practice?? We've seen (out of the corner of our eyes!) all kinds of weird Shake It Out routines. There's the tug-a-tug-tug, the gentle repeated pull, the whaparound. The list goes on and on. But the shirtwipe? We nearly perished.

We're Also Excited To Hear The Rumbling Sounds Of Ted Kennedy's Chuckles As He Tries To Slice Up The Funding For Bush's Troop Deployment.

In an exciting turn of events, we will be leaving NYC tomorrow to go down to Washington, DC. We will be impinging on the hospitality of the gorgeous Cub B, the sexy Thomas B, the exy Alex S, and of course FHC.

We made an official list of activities in which we would like to indulge, including visiting the New York Streets exhibit at the National Gallery, and the National Building Museum. But here is our unofficial list of important Washington sights we would like to see:

1. Be Bar - We know nothing about it but we hear it's new. Maybe there won't be the same eight guys in pastel polos at THIS one!
2. Guerilla Queer Bar - Mostly because we are connected to it on Friendster through FHC.
3. Toby - Because his back isn't fat.
4. Adam - Because he viewed us on Friendster. Is it sad that lately that's all it takes?
5. Logan Circle - Because if you can't make it there, you can't make it anywhere.
6. Kevin W. - Because we once said he was passé and we felt guilty. But then he dated a boy we like, and now we're even.
7. FHC's New Apartment - Because in the old one we were always promised great consolation sex from Kevin D.

For those readers who don't care about DC, in other news, we were ogling at the boys on Pretty Boys Club the other day and realized we totally KNOW one of the naked dudes!

BREAKING: Our Favorite Slutty Underwear Is DSquared!!

Gay.com did a poll recently about what were gay people's favorite things from 2006. The answers are really surprising!

• Male celebrity we most wish were gay: Jake Gyllenhaal


• Best song of the year: "SexyBack" (Justin Timberlake)


• Favorite film: "The Devil Wears Prada"


• Hottest male body: Daniel Craig


• Favorite TV show: "The Colbert Report"


• Hottest trend of 2006: Flirting with gayness


• Most intriguing gay entertainment story: "Doogie Howser is gay!"
  

Oh, wait. Never mind.

And we wonder why all gay publications are so repeatedly wretched.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: “In The Night Kitchen”

We have been thinking a lot lately about our childhood, and everything that was gay about it. From the earliest we could remember, we had gay impulses. We were fascinated by the Greek sculpture series in our National Geographic. We weren’t interested in the Playboy that our friends found on the playground in third grade. And we really, really liked going to the public pool… locker room. When we were eight.

But let’s be honest, there were subtle exterior forces, assaulting us constantly, reinforcing our gayness. We decided this might be a nice regular feature on the FAGAT Guide – exploring those things in our childhoods that made us as gay, gay, gay as we are today.

We thought we’d start with one of our favorite picture books, Maurice Sendak’s “In The Night Kitchen.” Remember it? It’s the charming tale of rascally Mike, who floats from his room into the Night Kitchen and ends up on a plane made out of dough with a pot on his head. It was like an episode of Dr. Who with better special effects.

This book, while seemingly innocent and fun, was THE GAYEST THING EVER. The little boy, Mike, is naked from almost the first page, and spends much of the book frolicking around a giant phallic milk bottle. We had no chance with this book – it even showed his little boy acorn penis! (this was okay because we were little boys with acorn penises at the time). And come on, "I'm in the milk and the milk's in me"? Sean Cody wishes he had writing like that.

Bright College Years, With Pleasure Rife, The Shortest Gladdest Years Of Life...

We apologize for two Yale posts in one week, but this is worth noting. If you read Towleroad you no doubt know about the Yale a cappella gay bashing. It’s very strange for us to write about, partially because two members of that a cappella group (in previous years) were longterm boyfriends of ours. Many other members of the group were our close friends (and not all of them, by far, are or were even gay).

Apparently the group and their alumni are putting a lot of pressure on San Francisco authorities to prosecute the kids to the full extent of the law, though those authorities are dragging their feet. The group continued on their winter tour without the most seriously injured kid, and are trying to stay positive about it (we imagine with the usual help of buckets and buckets of Natty Ice).

What’s funny about this, if there is anything funny at all, is that we always thought of the Baker’s Dozen was the STRAIGHT Yale a cappella group. But in retrospect, the idea of a straight Yale a cappella group is pretty hilarious.

We Had Many Emotional Reactions, Most Of Which Involved Self-Loathing. It Was A Lot Like The Real Dating World, Actually.

Like many of you, probably, we sat down to watch "Gay, Straight or Taken?" last night. We're not sure we'd do it again, but like sex with a woman, we thought it was best to wince through it at least once to see what it was like. In case you missed it, Slate has a good little wrap-up.

Our overall impression was that it was less offensive than it could have been. Yes, it trotted out stereotypes, but has anyone seen "Will & Grace" or "Queer Eye" lately? The only bit that annoyed us, really, was when the girls in both episodes apologized to the boys who they had wrongly assumed where gay. Somehow we're not sure "I'm sorry for thinking you were Jewish" would have made it past the editors. Oh, and we wanted to ax murder the dude pictured above.

But the girls largely avoided putting their feet in their mouths, which surprised and impressed us. We loved it when Jenner, the first contestant, was so appalled by one of her suitor's teeny boxcut swimtrunks that she murmured, "I thought he must be the gay one when I saw his...swimming...underpants." We will definitely be using the phrase "swimming underpants" this summer at Fire Island, and are considering lobbying to change the name of "GayzOfOurLives" to "The Swimming Underpants Blog."

We think the best part of the episodes are when the boyfriend and girlfriend of the Gay and Taken boys show up. Especially since in the second episode, an extremely hot (or at least well put-together) guy turned out to have a completely busted girlfriend, and it visibly threw everyone on camera off guard.

But, of course, the best parts of the experience in general were the relentless ads for the Lifetime Original Movie "To Be Fat Like Me," which were blatantly targeted at the homo audience watching "GSoT." Lifetime execs must have realized, too late, that no overweight housewife wants to watch a movie about a skinny pretty girl pretending to be fat, feeling bad, and then going back to being skinny and pretty again. Thank God the gays, who are the only other demographic to watch Lifetime, eat that shit UP.

They May Not Seem Appealing, But Then Again, We've Seen More Presidential Daughters Naked Than You Have.

We probably should have posted this yesterday, but we were the last gays in America to see Dreamgirls and it basically took up all of our day (and a fifth of Johnny Red). Sorry about that.

By now you all have probably read this article in the New York Times about naked parties at Yale. If you haven't, we imagine that it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it was hidden in a section called "Educational Life" that had a bunch Asian people on the cover. Anyway, since both FAGAT Guide writers attended Yale and also some (okay, many) naked parties, we thought it was worthy of comment.

The article is accurate when it says the parties are not bacchanals. No sex went on at any party we ever saw.

Sure, Fishwatch went to many gay parties mostly to ogle a particularly beautiful boy (who is now engaged to a very beautiful girlfriend of ours). And, fine, perhaps Bigmouth got riled up enough to deflower an underclassman immediately following one such evening. But really, for the most part, no sex.

How can that be, you wonder? Just imagine being in a room full of all of the people at your high school who had the time to study enough to be at the top of their class. You know, the people who weren't too busy with sports, extracurriculars, significant others, hobbies or friends? Now imagine those people naked.

Don't feel much like sex, do you.

We're Like That Boy Who Keeps Texting You Despite The Fact That You Have Ignored Him For Weeks...

We are back from the South, and overall, it was a mind-numbingly relaxing time. While we were there, only two people tried to set us up with their daughters. (In the straight world, apparently "Law School" gets you points).

"He's taken," our mother told them, which we would love to be true, but last we checked, it's not. While our mother has gone to PFLAG meetings and brings up Nate Berkus whenever an opportunity to do so comes up, she apparently isn't ready to tell the 51-62 year old Indians of North Carolina about her son's interest in c*ck and bum fun. Some of you may find that this directly contradicts with the fact that she still brags about our a cappella and musical theater triumphs of the early 2000s, but we don't think the Indians below the Mason-Dixon line quite see it that way just yet.

Regardless, it reminded us of the layers of shame that linger with parents long after the coming out discussion, especially in some immigrant and minority communities where people assume the gays just don't exist. We can't blame our parents for this -- not only are they are the new kids on the block in a more conservative place, but they are also the product of their upbringing, which involved strict adherence to social and cultural norms. That being said, the friends of our parents who do know that we kiss boys and not girls don't seem to give two shits (one even tried to set us up with a boy (use accent here) "from a very good family"). We decided early on to leave it entirely to our folks to tell who they want when they want among their friends, which we think was the right decision, but one that sometimes leaves us conflicted when _____ auntie and ______ uncle still ask us about girls and we do that evasive thing you all mastered at some point in your life.

In other news, we really love being abnormally small and manorexic because this means that after you fatties are done buying up premium denim at Barneys Coop, the size 28s and 29s that are left over are sold for 1/3 the price, at which point we swoop in and buy multiple pairs. (For any other our-size barbies out there, we are talking $59, so go NOW).

Isn't It Sort Of Symbolic That This Heteronormative Experiment Was Done Using Sheep? That's Why We Chose This Pic Of One Getting Humped By A Kangaroo.

We don't yet have an opinion on this UK study about turning gay sheep into straight sheep. But we do think it's hilarious that some writer got Martina Navratilova, lesbian and science expert, to defend the "right" of a sheep to be gay.

That's all.

Are We The Only People In America Who Still Try To Pee Standing Up In Bus Bathrooms? Or For That Matter, Who Take The Bus?

We’re sorry we haven’t posted today, but we spent seven hours today on the Greyhound from the North Country to New York. Of course we brought our flask, which resulted in exactly the effect we wanted – arriving in our home city, slightly drunk, at sunset. In fact, as we type, we are on our laptop passing that random high net beside I-95 in the Bronx, which is either a driving range or a batting cage. We’d probably be able to tell if we cared about sports.

It’s a funny thing, returning to New York, if you’re not from here. We’ve lived in this city for nearly four years, but we will never get over the cheesy small-town excitement that comes with seeing the New York skyline as it slips into the view from the train, bus, or car.

When we were living in Spain, everyone we met was fascinated that we lived in New York. They had a million questions. “Have you met Robert De Niro?” they would ask. “Were you there when the towers fell?” “It must seem normal for you,” they’d say. But it doesn’t.

Right now the New York skyline is burning with the orange of the setting sun. We just looked back on the bus, and everyone is gaping out of the window toward the island of Manhattan. Every time we go through this, it’s the same. We can hardly believe it - we’re home.

That's Right, REMIND Everyone Why They Hate You For The Holidays.

A faithful and sexy Fagats reader sends in this interesting update. His family received an annual Christmas card from New York Court of Appeals Judge Bob Smith. You may remember him for writing the convoluted and nonsensical court decision last year blocking equal marriage rights in New York.

This is the last sentence of his Christmas mailing:

"As many of you know, I got my fifteen minutes of fame this year, by writing an opinion holding that there is no constitutional right to same sex marriage in New York. Many of my friends and family weredispleased with this, and no doubt most of you are too, but be forgiving. It's Christmas, or it just was. We hope that yours was merry and your new year is the same. Bob"

Oh NO. Are Bob's Upper West Side friends turning against him? Was he not invited to the same table as everyone else this holiday season? Did he get left out of all the tradition and joy?

How inconvenient!

We're Still Afraid To Go To The New Boysroom. Mostly Because It Has A Window.

So although we are back in the United States, we have yet to make our grand entrance back into the social scene in New York. We’ve been up in the North Country visiting our parents since last week, and will only arrive in the city on Thursday. Which means our return will require careful planning. At which gay party should we make our first grand appearance?

Here are our options (from what we recall):

Thursday: Duvet. We think. This party was dying the last time we were in the city, but gay parties, like pimples in the cartilage under the bridge of your nose, take forever to actually go away.
Friday: Opaline. Every time we go to this party we get super drunk in advance because it’s expensive and the drinks are shitty. At the end of the night, we think we’ve had a great time. Then, in the morning, we find all the new names in our cellphone and remember that tragic moment when we were on the box with the 16-year-old from Hoboken. Oh God, everyone saw.
Saturday: Mr. Black. We’ve never been to Mr. Black but we hear it’s appropriately popular and appalling. This may be a good idea as we finally have an excuse as to why we haven’t attended a cool gay party. We were in EUROPE people! That ought to impress all the waiters and hairdressers.
Sunday: Hiro. Last time we went to this party we ended up dancing around at 3 am in an efficiency suite in the Gansevoort hotel swigging from an open bottle of Level Vodka, sandwiched between two naked Australians. They never called.
Monday: Don’t be stupid.
Tuesday: La Beige. Honestly, this is probably the best choice. The club where the sacred gay tradition of “The Lap” around the bar was invented, Beige is always guaranteed to have at least two dozen people you went to college with, work with, and have slept with. And you never have to talk to one person for more than 89 seconds.
Wednesday: Phoenix. If we’re feeling like unwashed geriatric man balls by Wednesday, we’ll see you there. Otherwise, meet us at Beige.

We Tried To Find A Gay Angle To The Saddam Execution, But There Are Only So Many Times You Can Repeat A "Well Hung Dictator" Joke.

So today is a big day for same-sex marriage proponents in Massachusetts. The legislature may decide whether to put forward an amendment banning the right, which would mean that there would have to be a vote by the people. This Boston Globe article explains it pretty well, but as we were reading, we noticed a confusing anecdote about the protesters outside the state house:

"In a display of the emotions, one of the amendment's backers yelled across the street at a person with a sign reading, 'Start Acting Like Christians.' The amendment proponent said, 'We are Christians, just like you.'"

So… From what we can decipher, apparently a gay protester had a sign telling a straight protester to act like a Christian. The straight protester, on the defensive, claimed he was just as Christian as the gay one. Seems a little turned around, doesn’t it?

This strikes right to the core of a big problem, as we see it. These people have been debating about the Christian morality of the issue for so long that everything’s become jumbled. Except, the Christian morality of the issue shouldn’t be what we’re fighting about. A) This isn’t a country of all Christians any more, and B) the Constitution’s writers excluded any and all churches for this specific reason – so that hundreds of years later we wouldn’t be debating about what position is more Christian. Or Jewish, or Muslim for that matter.

Though, to be fair, this debate may indeed apply in Massachusetts, which is about as culturally diverse as the first season of “Friends.” Could it BE any WASPier?

We Imagine A Lot Of You Have To Work Today. We Imagine That Sucks.

You may have noticed a slight change in the layout of the Fagat Guide today. We are testing out some new ideas for the new year. We are aware, however, that not all change is good, so please let us know what you think.

Stay tuned...

Like You All, We Resolved To Get A Boyfriend In 2007. But We Claim That Bartender With The Nice Arms, So You All Have To Pick Someone Else.

We just looked over last year's Fagat Guide New Year's Resolution List and most of it still stands (specifically, see the item about sassy overweight black women from American Idol). But a new year brings new ideas, dreams and hopes that one day someone might actually take our advice. So here goes - our 2007 New Year's Resolutions for the gays:

1) Stop renting those horrible gay movies that you see in Blockbuster wedged between real movies that actual people rent. The softcore sex scenes aren’t worth it, and the dialogue is actually making us collectively stupider as a genre of humanity.
2) This includes taking them off of your Netflix queue, jackasses.
3) One of us needs to take one for the team and give the twinky guy in the Mac commercials the rigorous buttfucking for which he is so obviously screaming. (This is more of a suggestion than a resolution.)
4) Be more confident. Ever wonder why it is that only hot guys, and weird, old ugly guys meet people at bars? It’s because the rest of us are sitting there sucking down our vodka sodas and waiting for something to happen. We might as well give each other handjobs while we wait.
5) Stop trying to convince ourselves that one of the shoddy Rite Aid brand hair products will magically make your hair look like Josh Duhamel’s. Get a real product and stick with it, or accept your Jew fro the way it is. This will make life better for all of us.
6) Finally stop thinking that your heterosexual guy friends hit on you when they’re drunk. They don’t, they’re just drunk… (BrokeStraightBoys.com is a WEBSITE, not a way of life.)
7) Invent an absorbent, trendy, attractive reusable cumrag. We’re a little too old to still be using socks and undershirts, aren’t we?
8) Stop shopping at Ikea for large pieces of furniture. It’s getting really embarrassing that you all have the same Malm coffee table that we do.
9) Figure out a polite way to say, “I’ll cum a lot faster with a dick in me.” This only applies to about half of you.
10) For the other half, figure out a polite way to say, “stop trying to finger my asshole, this is only making everything slower.”
11) And on a related note, let’s all make sure the nails on our index and middle fingers are always smooth and cut very short. Just in case.
12) Find a new trendy dog. Contrary to popular belief, puppies are not like messenger bags. And even if they were, would we all wear the same petite, wrinkled, black-and-white-spotted messenger bag for 12 years?
13) Finally admit to ourselves that shower blowjobs have a lower success ratio than Sean Cody would lead us to believe.
14) For God’s sake, stop reading Queerty.com. See resolution #1.
15) Decide that this is the year we won’t live from paycheck to paycheck. We imagine this can be achieved by trying to devote the same amount of attention to the level of our savings accounts that we do to the level of our ambient body hair.
16) Finally devise a strategy for what to do with that one arm which never quite fits anywhere comfortably when we are spooning, and ends up falling asleep and being useless for the first 15 minutes of the morning.
17) Assign one of our own to take charge of Britney Spears. She needs a big fag up in her business like Ryan Seacrest needs… a big fag up in his business.
18) Oh yeah, and while we’re solving our problems? Two words: ass deodorant. Someone figure it out.

Happy New Year!

And We're BACK!

And what a long, strange trip it's been.

We (Bigmouth, that is) are back in the United States. Finally. And it's good to be back. Our first night back in the city we went to the Phoenix, saw two people we've slept with, had a few $2 pints, and pimped our roommate out to someone nearly twice his age.

Not much to say because we figure most of you are out of the office by now, but we came across this article about gay reparations in Spain, which we think you should read because it's interesting and gives you some insight into what's going on with gays in the country where we have been living.

More next week, when we have more time. But expect big things from your friends at Fagats in the New Year. After all, we expect a lot from YOU.

We Could Do Things Like "Go For a Run" or "Read a Book," But Doing Less Productive Things and Then Making Lists About It Seems Much More Fun...

In case you were curious, here's what we've been doing during the past 36 hours here in the "First in Flight" state:

1. Watched 4 back-to-back episodes of The Dog Whisperer.

2. Listened to our entire 28 song-long "melancholy" playlist while staring at the ceiling.

3. Made a power point presentation with pictures of all the people we know (slash stalk) at school next to pictures of who is playing them in the movie musical that LL and I are writing.

4. Read about the gay serial rapist in Texas.

5. Had half a slice of pizza and 2 quarts of sweet tea for lunch.

6. Spent three hours at the movie theater staring at Matt Damon and wishing we were in Skull and Bones so we too could mud wrestle nekkid.

7. Performed "One Night Only" (Both the Effie and Disco versions) and "I Am Changing" on the second floor ledge overlooking the living room when no one was home.

8. Rearranged our "featured friends" on friendster no less than 9 times.

9. IMed with FHC explaining to him why he was not a "featured friend."


Yes, we too are praying for Bigmouth's safe return.

Do Those Civil War Re-enactments Still Happen? Maybe We Can Dress Up And Take Advantage of the Pre Don't Ask Don't Tell Days...

Sorry for the week off, but Christmas can be a busy time, even for us pagans and idol worshippers.

We're headed to our parents' new home in the North Carolina today. Yes people, the SOUTH. We're taking about a town where "So what church do y'all go to" is the first question your new neighbors ask when they bring you a pie. (We mean, at least they bring you a pie, all we got when we moved to the Upper East Side was a request to not sing so loud and questions like "why did your sister move to Chelsea and you move here?" as they eyed our Paul Smith shoes).

Our mom asked us to figure out some things to do over the next nine days so we aren't bored to tears. Drag our sister to the gay bar(s)? Engage in a door-to-door goodwill tour trying to bridge the blue state-red state divide? Change our friendster location and attempt to date the local(s)? Find John Edwards and tell him to stop mass e-mailing us?

The answer is unclear, but at least we have 90210 season one on DVD to keep us occupied for the next 36 hours. So expect another pointless post around the time Andrea uncomfortably offers herself to Brandon as a going away gift. (Yeah we tried that too once, it REALLY doesn't work). Also, if anyone has heard from Bigmouth, please let us know.

It's A World Of Laughter, A World Of Tears. It's a World Of Hopes And A World Of Queers.

So on Sunday night we went to OverKitsch at the Queen in Paris. It's a big gay party with lots of soul-crushing-but-heavenly music like the dance remix of "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera. We showed up with two friends, and then shortly afterward someone we we have slept once or twice with made an appearance. This was not so surprising, as this boy lives in Paris.

But THEN, a boy who we once tried to sleep with from the United States randomly showed up. On the arm of a boy who used to sleep with FHC.

We know the gays always talk about how it's a small world. So we won't go on and on. Except to say that if any of you start getting an itchy brown rash on your neck, even though this whole year you've only slept with that one-eyed Jew from Madagascar, it might still be our fault.

And In Other News, The FAGAT Guide's 'Person of the Year' is a tie between Britney's Vag and The Arizona Voter...

For the first time since the tradition started in 1927, a homosexual has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. (Unless Hitler and the Ayatollah Khomeini were gay. Were they?).

Time's Person of the Year for 2006 is you.

The magazine has put a mirror on the cover of its "Person of the Year" issue, released on Monday, "because it literally reflects the idea that you, not us, are transforming the Information Age."

We just read about the Time - Warner merger for our corporations class (someone please help us) and how Time sought a partner that would allow it to "keep its journalistic integrity." Looks like that didn't work out too well.

They Forget To Tell Us How Many Hours Of The Year We Spend Blogging About Really Important Issues...

So the Census Bureau released its 2007 statistical abstract, telling us that Americans spend a lot of time in front of the TV (64 days of the year) (um...we are still on season 1 of grey's on netflix), poop a lot (about 4.4 pounds per day, up from 3.7 pounds in 1980) (that sounds about right), and are getting fatter ("the fattest inhabitants of the planet") (that was way harsh Tai). But at least we are getting taller.

Also, "for the first time, the abstract quantifies same-sex sexual contacts." Apparently, 6 percent of men and 11.2 percent of women say they have had these "contacts." Whether this means a drunk game of Twister or a drunk game of making eyes at each other on the dance floor, going home together, and then having a lifetime of awkward encounters around Manhattan, we don't know, but we can say that we have not seen any members of the 6% in the last few days as they rarely make it to this corner of the law library.

We also like how in 1970, 79 percent of college freshman said their goal was "developing a meaningful philosophy of life," as opposed to in 2005, where 75 percent said "their primary objective was to be financially very well off." Sounds like the kids are getting better at being able to say coherent and logical things despite being incredibly, incredibly stoned.

Shame, Regret and More Than A Little Bit Of Wonder About The Absurd Person We Used To Be.

Not much time to blog today, but did anybody else notice that the Republicans are going after Mass. Govervor Mitt Romney for not being anti-gay ENOUGH? This is a guy who has not shut up about the Mass. Supreme Court ruling for one week in the last few months. And the rightest side of the GOP is saying he isn´t hardline enough to make it through the presidential primaries.

We´re not banking on the fact that these people have any sense of self-reflection, but in 20 years if they are still alive, we don´t know how they will be able to look back on all the superfluous intolerance they promoted in these years. How will they be able to defend their so-called spiritual and emotional reactions to this issue?

We imagine they will feel sort of the way we do when we think of the profound emotional response that used to be inspired in us by The World of David the Gnome.

People In The Library Can See Us Searching The Internet For Soft Porn Right Now and It Is Really Embarrassing. Oh The Things We Do For You People...

No time to blog today since we have to "study," but LL told us that we don't post enough pictures of near naked men anymore, so here goes.

Forget about whether a woman or black man will become the next prez for a minute, and instead focus on this very important election. We will be campaigning for this young man:


It's mostly because of that Hindi script tattooed on his right arm. It translates roughly as, "condoms made according to international sizes don't fit me either, so I just use this guitar instead."

And As Joan Yelled To Christina, "THIS IS JUST WONDERFUL!!!"

Not only are we a transfer at this school and so already presumptively sub-par, but now this:

A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.

What we lack in size we make up for in knowledge about Dell computers. And we never try and overcompensate for our lack of size with humor.

We're Already Starting Production On The Made For TV Movie Based On This, Starring Richard Dreyfus, Camryn Manheim, And Rosie...

VP: Get your hand off my daughter's ass Martina, this is the WHITE HOUSE.

Mary: Her name is Heather, Dad.

VP: Yeah, whatever, let's get this shit show press conference started. God damn lessies gettin' preggers. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?? Don't even tell me there were turkey basters involved.

Heather: We are not disclosing the identity of the father of this child, or how Mary became preggers. Besides, I believe....

VP: Oh pipe down Billie Jean. AND GET YOUR HAND OFF HER ASS before I shoot you in the face. I've done it before people, let's remember that.

Mary: Dad!

VP: I can only say thank the good Lord you didn't announce this thing before the midterms, we might have lost.

Heather: You did lose, Dick.

VP: For the love of God Ellen, do you want me to have another heart attack? THIS IS THE WHITE HOUSE. I will ship your Indigo Girl sized ass off to Gitmo, I swear.

Heather: Also, maybe we shouldn't go out there all wearing the same exact thing, especially since our body types are so similar...

VP: "Looking forward with eager anticipation to the arrival of our sixth..." Who in holy hell wrote this crap? Wait, I have 5 grandkids?

Mary: Dad, can we talk about what kind of controversy we can expect over this, considering we live in Virginia where no rights are granted to same sex couples or their kids, and that our party supports writing discrimination against us into the Constitution?

VP: You didn't seem to mind all this when you were campaigning for BUSH/CHENEY 2004, the BEST GOD DAMN CAMPAIGN EVER! WHOO HOO WE WON! THE TERRORISTS LOST!!

Mary: But I did mind, you convinced me to stay with the campaign for other important national reasons.

VP: SUCKER!!!! Heh heh heh.

Heather: Oh Christ, I'm out of here.

Mary: Dad, did you tell the President about this? What did he say?

VP: He asked if you two were going to get married before the child was born. You know, so it ain't, what are they calling it these days, "illegitimate."

Mary: (blank stare)

VP: What?

Whatever Happened To The Days When A Breakup Merely Involved You, A Bottle Of Vodka, Tissues, And Endless 30-Second Preview Clips Of Internet Porn?

An interesting email just crossed our inbox, forwarded from a friend. It was a breakup announcement.

It came in the form of an attachment, and was designed like a "Save The Date" notice. It included a jpeg of the unhappy couple in pleasanter times, and the text:

"Mssrs. [Redacted] and [Redacted]

Regretfully announce their

Disassociation.


Following eight years of life shared together
the gentlemen have severed the bonds
of their previous relationship and
presently live separate and apart."

The email included their new mailing addresses, which we assume was the purpose of the notice. Is this what's expected now? Can we no longer dump the bastard without having to buy stationary? Are we wrong to think this is ridiculous?

We can only imagine what's next. The Breakup Announcement with the letter insert, like your mom insisted upon including with your family Christmas cards in the mid-nineties. Except instead of "Chad made high honors and is applying to Northwestern!" we'll be treated to chipper notes in Verdana font telling us, "If it wasn't for the staph infection, we may have made it a few more months. But when we both got tested and only he had chlamydia, then we knew it was the end. :-) "

Oh, Chad. We always knew it would end this way...

Have You Ever Noticed How Balthazar Is Always Painted Behind The Others? We Wonder If He Had To Ride At The Rear Of The King Caravan, As Well...

We know, dear readers, that ever since we departed from Spain you have been unable to sleep at night from worry and loss. We can just picture you tossing and turning in your blue plaid Banana Republic pajama bottoms, kicking loose the sweaty Nautica duvet cover you bought from Bed Bath & Beyond with the gift certificate your parents got you for Christmas for two years ago. Occasionally, you might accidentally wake up the barista you took home that night, the one with black hair and blue eyes whose arms looked so good making your Pumpkin Spice Latte. Because neither of you can sleep, you reach around and start…

Oh, sorry. We got a little carried away.

What we meant to say is, we will return to America just before the New Year, after which you can expect more frequent (and less extraneous) posts. Until then, we will do our best. We are doing a lot of traveling between now and January and may have difficult giving your something catty and inappropriate every day. We apologize in advance.

And for now we leave you with a Christmas joke from Fagats co-worker-slash-joke-supplier-in-chief, Hugh, in honor of this holy season. It’s not actually that funny, but it helps if you remember that in Spain, the Reyes Magos are wizard kings who bring children presents, instead of Santa Claus, which we think is SUPER:

The three wizard kings came to visit Jesus in the manger in Bethlehem a few days after his birth, having followed a great shining star. The manger was lit only by a few candles, and the glow of the great star above piercing its thatched roof. As Balthazar, Melchior and Gaspar stooped to see the child, Balthazar slammed his turbaned head into a support beam.

“Jesus Christ!” he yelped.

“Write that down,” Mary said to Joseph, quickly. “It’s better than Derek.”

This Post Is Serious Y'all!

We can't do fancy screen captures or anything, but has anyone else noticed that on the "Inside NYTimes.com" bar on the NYTimes homepage where they highlight articles with a row of square pictures, there is the (rather sad and scary) article from this Sunday's regular Magazine about gays being persecuted and attacked in Egypt and other Arab counties, but that above the picture of gays being rounded up, blindfolded, and led to jail so that they can be tortured, the Times people have put the "T: Style" link to the Style Magazine instead of the regular "Magazine" link, making it seem as if the article was in fact in the T: Style magazine? We often joke about how all things gay at the Times go into the paper's styles sections regardless of seriousness of issue, but this may be taking things too far.

But you know what pisses us off A LOT more than perhaps a careless error like this by the Times? Maybe the fact that gays are violently persecuted in Arab countries, less for religious or cultural reasons and more for political gain and sheer personal benefit. As backward as America sometimes is, and as often as gays are used for political gain, we still do have plenty of reasons to cry when "Proud to be an American" comes on the radio.

We Really Hope These People Aren't Waiting Around Forevs Cause A Strapless Vera Wang On Saggy T*ts Is Not Good For Anyone...

First it was Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend, then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, and now, brace yourselves, Mary Lunetta and Max Hartman have joined the "we'll wait until the gays can marry" movement that is growing among celebs and college couples across the nation.

But seriously folks, this is a nice article about gayllies and alliesbians who are outspoken and committed to delaying the walk down the aisle to the chupa until everyone who wants to join the institution of marriage is legally able to do so. This is a serious choice, given that they're giving up such things as 1,138 federal rights and a registry at Crate & Barrel, just so they can point out the fact that other loving couples are legally barred from similar things. Also, getting profiled in an article in the Sunday Styles is way cooler than having your announcement in the back, even though, let's be truthful, the prospect of that announcement is really what keeps us engaged in the fight for marriage rights.

Many of the couples want to be vocal about their choice to hold off on marriage, and since not all of them can make a statement to US Weekly like Brad and Ange, they do it in other ways.

Referring to each other as “partner” usually helps avoid the misperception, but that can be tricky, too. When Ms. Augusto, the sociology graduate student, speaks of her partner, people ask if she’s a lesbian.

This reminds us of the time our college a cappella group was in New Zealand and we were invited to some nice homes, including the home of a super duper hottie with an adorable Kiwi accent who said, "My paaart-nur and I would love to host you all" at which point half of the all male group (yes, only half believe it or not) started jumping up and down uncontrollably giggling, only to start crying upon realizing that people in other parts of the world don't limit the term "partner" to the gays. So if this word picks up momentum, watch out people. Watch out.

This Is Why We Are So Glad That Doogie Came Out.

Because otherwise, daytime television would never get this astronomically gay.

(Thanks to our beloved LA Fagats correspondent for this clip...)

As For Rehoboth Beach, Though, Is It Possible To Be Up-And-Coming and Aging-And-Sun-Damaged At The Same Time?

The website www.gayghettos.com (who knew?) has come up with a list of up-and-coming new, well, gay ghettos. Obviously the founders of the site are cleverly just trying to corner the luxury online real estate ad market. After all, who wouldn´t want to target a wealthy minority as they peruse the web looking for places to overspend on up-and-coming neighborhoods? But who knows, it might be accurate.

The list is interesting for a few reasons, not the least of which because it includes Andersonville, the Chicago neighborhood where official Straight Fagat Brother, Bald Knob, lives with his girlfriend. (And, oddly, the South End in Boston, the former home of our mom´s ex boyfriend. Like we ever had a chance.)

But we must object to the inclusion of Hell´s Kitchen. Sure, some bargain-hunting gays live there, and yes, Therapy is nearby. But if HK is the future of gay life in the city, we may just move to South Second, WI. We´re no experts, but this is a neighborhood best known for its cramped sublets with fake walls, framed posters, second-hand futons, fake plants, and mismatching Ikea furniture. From what we can tell, the gays that live there are a bunch of double-denim-wearing, TKTS-stub-clutching, DEP-gel-using, Instinct-subscribing, chin-pube-sporting, RENT-soundtrack-(still)-singing, triple-finger-snapping members of Dolphin Fitness. Who couldn´t even get their shit together to live in the East Village.

If this is what´s up-and-coming in New York, we might as well be up and going.

Apologies To Towleroad For The Complete Ripoff Post

But as born-and-raised Mainers, we really didn't think Canadians were capable of sarcasm. We thought the pinnacle of their civilization was the day they learned to combine coconut oil and banana hammocks, and drive across the border. But hey, we're all about learning new things...

Their Eyes Were Watching Boys...

Some random Tuesday musings on the gay-gaze:

You know when you stare into the eyes of a cute straight man walking towards you a little too long, and in his head he thinks maybe he is supposed to know you ("cause why else would this person be staring at me so freakishly"), so he does that straight boy head nod thing as he finally passes you? Well this happened to us twice today with a boy in the libes who carries around a motorcycle helmet. It is very embarrassing slash one of the best parts of being a 'mo. It also constantly happens to us with another boy at school, whose profile we found on facebook (obvi) and accidentally had open one time as he walked passed us, so not only did we stare at him uncomfortably, but we had his shirtless pics from Spring Break 2005 in full view on our screen. The worst is when you finally get introduced to these people through some friend or event, and then you have to pretend that you don't know who they are but secretly you both know that some serious stare-stalking has occurred. This one boy has actually caught on that LL and us stare at him in the libes and when we walk by (it really isn't that hard to catch on, trust us - maybe the fact that we look at each other after we pass him and giggle uncontrollably gives it away), and now he gives us both a disapproving nod every time it happens.

Perhaps these people need a seminar to teach them the art of "I know you are staring at me, but I will pretend that I don't see and also pretend that my friend just said something funny because then you will think I am hotter" that gay men have learned to master. We'd be willing to teach this class since, although we are still waiting for an opportunity to practice this move, we have been around numerous times when Bigmouth has spontaneously thrown his head back laughing and touched our shoulder saying "Gosh, FW, that is so funny!" when in fact we had only been complaining about the club soda being flat.

Aren't You So Glad We Didn't Give You A Post Of Things We Are Thankful For on Thanksgiving?

Good. Because we're giving it to you the Monday afterward. We were drunk all day on the actual holiday. We'll make it fast.

Gay Things We Are Thankful For This 2006: The fact that we now have more television characters to represent us than just the queens on the Real World... Men who trim, but do not shave, their pubic hair... The fact that it's been nearly eight years since we have come face to face with a vagina... Our low personal moral threshold... Zara... The low moral threshold of oher gays... The fact that cute sneakers have replaced chunky brown shoes in the gay uniform... The way you can tell whether a boy is gay based on the way his t-shirt sleeve circles his arm... Halle Berry's boyfriend... The fact that we can wear a cute polo to any gay function at any level of formality... Gays who remember to work out muscles below their bellybuttons... We actually mean MUSCLES, you asshats... Who's Viewed Me... Casual sarcasm... You Tube... Dude Tube... Gays who still wear sleeveless tees... How else would we know which ones to avoid? ... Gays with naturally hairless asses... Any combination of Whitney Houston and Junior Vasquez... Hot subletters... Drunk fag hags... Queer animals... Getting cruised on the L train... Fangoria ... Boys who whimper... Fake glasses... The fact that we don't need real ones... Hot cops... Gay Jews... Scary Trannies... Calvin Klein cotton trunks... Ugly gays who overcompensate with humor and Prada... Gaysians who think muscles will actually make them masculine... Neil Patrick Harris and TR Knight... iPod shame... Ribbed For Her Pleasure... Merino crewnecks... The fact that we can again start playing Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" on repeat... Dykefinder.com... Friends' summer homes... The Only Broadway CD You'll Ever Need... The fact that everybody wants a gay at their wedding... One, by U2 and Mary J. Blige... The way the short ones are sometimes the best hung... The fact that no one ever suspects that the gay guy is the one who let rip that nasty fart...

We could go on and on, but we shouldn't forget the best one of all... our faithful faggy readers! May you never actually have anything to do at work!

Related: If You Are Still In The Closet Make Sure You Don't Download Sexy Back and Barbra's Duets...

In our effort to procrastinate even more than we normally do, we have taken to judging people based on their music collection. Whereas in the olden days this involved inviting yourself to a person's holiday party to actually see his CD collection, now we can judge from the comfort of our own seat in the law library. The Itunes "share my library on my local network" option allows us to judge judge judge. Not only can we see the entirety of said person's music library, but we can also see their "Top 25" and "Top Rated" lists. When the boy sitting across from you says he dates girls, it's nice to know your suspicion that he likes c*ck is right when you see "Gotta Get Through This" by Daniel Beddingfield as number one on his Top 25 list.

This activity gave us hours of joy (not to mention that we discovered some amazing Christina Aguilera songs we had never heard before), until we undertook some introspection and realized what we were listening to on a daily basis. When JoJo, a cappella, and songs from the Original Cast Recording of Les Miz are near the top of your recently played list, maybe it's time to go into Itunes hiding and unclick the "share option."

The lesson? We can still judge others without being judged ourselves. By still keeping the "look for shared libraries" option checked, we can laugh out loud at the boy next to us for his extensive electronica collection, knowing that he will never see just how many Dixie Chicks albums we have. We need to write a letter to Friendster about making the "whose viewed me" option more like this. It's the American way.

We Try To Be Our Gayest Self At All Times To Avoid Confusion, But Winter Coats And Cold Wind Messing Up Our Hair Sometimes Makes It Hard...

No time to do our usually meaningful and substantive post today, but we will leave you with a brief encounter we had last night at 1am as we were walking home from the subway stop with our coat collar popped and singing along to Mariah #1s (Vision of Love).

Two banker type men and a hot, sort of slutty, banker type blonde woman: Hey, do you know where Scores is?
FW: We're sorry, wha?
Them: Scores. Any idea where it is?
FW: No. But L'Occitane is one block that way. Great hand creme.

And Thus Arises The Age-Old Question: ...So Now Do We Have To Sleep With Him?

Amazing news. Our Spanish roommate came out to us! So you can understand the sequence of events in all their excruciating glory, here below is a transcript of what happened (This conversation was held in English. Normally we speak only in Spanish. This is important to note):

SPANISH ROOMMATE: So, Bigmouth, can I ask you a personal question?
BIGMOUTH: Of course (translation: Sweet. This is going to be good.)
SR: Do you think I am gay?
BM: (long pause) ...Yes?
SR: Okay.
BM: Why?
SR: Because I didn´t think you knew.
BM: (pause for shock) Oh, I knew. (translation: Obviously we had no clue.)
SR: Because I told you like four times and I didn´t think you understood.
BM: No, I did. (translation: DAMN YOU INADEQUATE LANGUAGE SKILLS!)
SR: Okay.

We can only imagine the conversations that took place when he tried to tell us before (because, obviously, we don´t know when they took place). They probably went something like this:

SR: (in Spanish) Bigmouth, I have something important to tell you. I don´t tell a lot of people but we´ve become close and I respect you so I want to trust you. You should know that I´m gay, and I´m just starting to become comfortable with it. Phew! What a relief to tell someone!
BM: (in Spanish) Oh! I´m so glad you said something! I thought I was the only person in the apartment. So you think the kitchen smells funny too?
SR: .... (silent tears of loneliness)

This Is Not To Say That Gala Dinners Are Not, In Themselves, A Service To Gays. We Do, After All, Cruise Best In Formal Attire.

Like many of you, we have always wondered what the Human Rights Campaign actually does with our money. Sure, we´ve been to the dinners (sometimes CELEBRITIES even go!), and we know they fund candidates. But what do they actually do (there are apparently 150 staffers) on, say, a Tuesday? Other than eat a pricey low-carb lunch on our dime, we mean.

But this article in the Washington Blade is a bit encouraging. You should all give it a read, if you have an HRC sticker anywhere in your house or on your car. Turns out they didn't to do that much in the past, really, but they're getting better. This paragraph in particular makes us hopeful:

"HRC IS ALSO beginning to show that it understands how to make alliances with other organizations. Examples are its work with Montana League of Rural Voters and Montana Conservation Voters and the joint efforts with Michigan Citizen Action, NOW and Planned Parenthood of Michigan. "

We think it's very smart for gay groups to ally with others whenever possible - and to engage in activities and charity projects that are not just motivated by self-interest. Queer Eye started the trend by sending out the message that gay people like to help other, less fortunate folk. As stupid as the show is, that was one positive thing it achieved (well, that and making us feel less stupid for having self-painted canvases as decoration in our bedroom).

We've always liked the HRC logo, because we hate rainbows, and it gets the point across very well. Equality is all we want, and deserve. Maybe by working with more local groups, they can make it more than just a symbol. Maybe, one day, when are driving on the highway and we see an HRC bumper sticker on a Jeep, we will feel pride and gratitude.

As opposed to now, when we just speed up to see if the dude driving it is a hottie.

We Hope Bigmouth Writes About Us When We Graduate From This Blog Or Our Name Will Never Appear In Boldface...

We got our college alumni magazine the other day and of course immediately turned to the class notes to see who is having more success in life than we are and is therefore deserving of being talked about incessantly behind his or her back. We almost barfed when we saw that 7 out of 9 paragraphs were about marriage or babies (um...if you haven't noticed we can't even take care of this blog, so...how are these people having children?). Instead of re-reading about the same marriages we already read about at some point in the Sunday Styles section, we decided to skip our class notes and look through older classes' notes to see by what age we had to actually be a productive member of society or in the alternative, a partner at a law firm.

But it was mostly more weddings, which we guess is really what these class notes are for. We were about to give up on life altogether, when we finally came across one announcement we kind of liked:

Liam C writes, "I had the happy honor of being a guest at Scott C's wedding - the UK government had a different term for it, 'civil partnership,' but wedding pretty much covers it - to Alex K, May 28, in what proved to be a particularly jolly old England. The government's official registrar tried to stay very official, but was moved to tears by the end of the event....Mr. C and Mr. K live in a lovely village/suburb of London in a lovely house (complete with a lovely garden cottage) and do things with computers that, to a novelist, at least, sound wildly complicated. Not so their happiness, which was plainly evident to all of us."

The best part? They are THIRTEEN YEARS older than we are. Based on the number of profile views we get a month, thirteen years from now 156 people will have viewed us on Friendster. If a husband, house and garden cottage don't emerge out of that pool, well, we guess there's always that productive member of society thing.

Hypothetical High Five!

We sort of really like the simplicity of this article by Miami Herald columnist Leonard Pitts, Jr. The thrust of his point is here:

"This all raises two questions. One: Between this [Ted Haggard], the late gay-bashing former Spokane mayor, James West, Pat Robertson biographer Mel White, and Michael Bussee and Gary Cooper, leaders in the "curing homosexuality" movement until they fell in love with one another, can't we now safely assume that any conservative who rants about the homosexual agenda is a lying hypocrite gayer than a Castro Street bar? And, two: Wouldn't you much rather be Neil Patrick Harris than Ted Haggard just now? In other words, wouldn't you rather be a content gay man living life to the fullest, than a gay hypocrite living lies to the fullest?"

We think the answer is pretty obvious. Because as you can see from above, Doogie's boyfriend is a HOTTIE.

And Then There Were Five.

Well, then. We were talking with a gay activist today about the conservative protest against the gay marriage law in Spain. It's in front of the country's Constitutional Tribunal (like our Supreme Court) right now. Here, the right wing Partido Popular wants to take the word "marriage" away from the gays, but leave them all the rights in a different law, outside of the constitution.

The man with whom we were speaking was Pedro Zerolo, the writer of Spain's equal marriage law, a government minister, and the man widely credited for making equality a reality here. On the suit in front of the Constitutional Tribunal, he said.

"There's a word for what they want. Separate rules for separate people. The word is: Apartheid."

Probably just the right word to be throwing out today:

NYTIMES - South African Parliament Approves Gay Marriages

This Is Definitely A Case For The Hardy Boys. Well, We Can Probably Figure It Out On Our Own. But We’ve Always Wanted To Hang Out With Them.

And by “Hang Out With,” clearly we mean “Get Two-Timed By.”

Following up on the theme of last week’s post about homoconfusion, we have something to discuss. It’s very important in our daily life, and we know you will find it extremely interesting.

We think our Spanish roommate is gay.

It’s been driving us and our two female roommates crazy for months. It’s like the fucking Westing Game - there are red herrings everywhere. On the one hand, he wears skimpy, aggressively colored underpants. On the other hand, he doesn’t own deodorant. He doesn’t have a girlfriend (super rare here), but he also doesn’t like pop music. And worst of all, he has neither tried to hook up with his hot single female roommate, Ashley H, nor his hot single male roommate, Big M. And yesterday, we saw that his computer desktop is a black and white picture of a shirtless male model. Wet.

And the thing is, we really shouldn’t care. But it’s just been forever since we’ve known someone very well and still not been sure whether he was gay or not. We’re riveted. Each new clue is discussed with rapt enthusiasm by the rest of us. He grabbed a girl’s boob! He grabbed a guy’s boob!! HE BOUGHT A HAIR PRODUCT FROM AMERICAN CREW.

We can just imagine, when gay literature becomes more mainstream, the adolescent mystery novels this exact issue will spawn. We spent so much time in our early teens obsessing over it. We’re imagining Edward Gorey cover illustrations, and a John Bellairs suspense plot inside. We can see it now… “The House With The Cock In Its Walls.”

Oh, har!