I Mean, We Can't Get Married, We Can't Adopt, And Now We Can't Work Because One Of Us Is In A Faggy Musical And The Other Is Celebrating Halloween

Fishwatch and Bigmouth are having a tough week. So for today, we'll defer to the (somewhat) witty (more crazy, really) writing of a popular Craigslist poster.

A Word On Gay Hostels.

So for the first time in our life, we have elected to stay at a queer hospitality establishment. We have long boycotted such places, mostly because of the banner ads on gay blogs that talk about “Clothing Optional” resorts in Key West. To us, “Clothing Optional” means “You are going to have geriatric pubes all over your continental breakfast.”

But the last hostel we stayed in here in Spain was terrifying, so we thought we’d take a chance when we came here to Barcelona. After all, we knew the gays would at least run a safe, clean place with plenty of light and furniture that is designed to lean back.

And boy did we hit a home run. Not only is this place charming, but the hosts are lovely, and there is always a hot Greek guy running around in his Aussie Bums. There are people here from France, Spain, Portugal and even some places we can’t identify, but whose language seems to involve a lot of hocking loogies. (Armenia, perhaps?)

We sort of hilariously imagined when we came here that it would be like a prep school dorm, but better, with nubile young boys popping in at all hours of the night to get a little slap and tickle, and the sounds of enthusiastic buggering echoing down the quaint old mid-century hallways. The kind of place where innocent young American travelers wind up speared in both ends, rotating slowly between two well-hung foreigners, like a suckling pig over an open flame.

Ridiculous, we know. But then, we didn’t expect to be right about the comeback of denim shorts, either. Guess we’re two for two.

When Our Mom Helped Us Move She Found Our Wigs From Past Halloweens and Immediately Started to Cry...

Some people have told us we were way too serious on Wednesday, so we will go back to being our superficial selves, posting only about self-deprication and husband hunting, and leaving the serious "issue" posts to Bigmouth. Any by "issues" we mean both the struggle for full equality and deformed genetalia.

At this point, however, we have nothing to say, except to wish you all a very fun pre-Halloween weekend. It seems like Saturday night is the big night of choice for dressing as slut-ily as possible and calling it a costume. We haven't been to the gym since June, so can't really recreate the Adam, Eve & Steve or Michael Phelps costumes of past years, both of which involved painful waxing experiences and a subsequent rash. We will, however, be entering the following costume contest on bloggingprojectrunway, but won't tell you what our idea is since you f*ckers will probably steal it and thus our year's supply of tresemme hair products. OK fine, we will give you a hint: she was a "celebrity" judge one episode this season. And those quotes might as well have given it away.

We are a little worried that no one outside our world is going to know who we are, and that we will spend most of the night explaining ourselves to the straight people LL is making us hang out with tomorrow night. We can't even blame straight people though, since at a firm's gay recruiting drinks last night, we shared our idea and even they were clueless. Never a good sign.

Two Posts! Either Today Is A V. Special Day Or We Are Just Bored To Tears In the Libes...

The State Supreme Court in New Jersey decided its gay marriage case today, saying that though there is not a fundamental right of same-sex couples to marry in NJ, a denial of equal benefits to same sex couples would violate the state's equal protection clause. What this status is called, however, is left to the legislature.

First, we will say that a gain in civil rights is a gain in civil rights, so we applaud the New Jersey Court for doing something, unlike our own Court of Appeals. We also think it is great that the 4-3 decision was not 4 in favor of equality and 3 for no equality, rather 4 for full benefits for gay couples, and 3 for full benefits along with the title of marriage, acknowledging that the gays do in fact have that fundamental right to the institution.

But like the concurrence/dissent, we don't really understand what the big deal about the letting the gays use the term "marriage" is. Actually, we don’t really know why the state is involved in the institution of marriage at all. But being that there is a "long history and tradition" of marriage and recognition of it by the state, we are a little disappointed that the majority didn't go so far as to say that we gays DO have a fundamental right to it, or that the equal protection clause of the state constitution requires access to the term “marriage” as well.

What we have a fundamental right to based on liberty is really a social or judicial construction that evolves over time, usually based on how broadly or narrowly you ask the question: in 1987, the U.S. Supreme Court found that there was no fundamental right to “homosexual sodomy” in the U.S. Constitution, but in 2003, the Court said that there was a fundamental right to privacy in the bedroom. Here, the majority asks is there a fundamental right for same-sex couples to marry based on the NJ Constitution (No), while the concurrence/dissent asks if there is a fundamental right or liberty interest in state-sanctioned marriage, which everyone agrees on, and if there are individuals being denied access to that liberty interest (Yes). We like the former question(s) better, but not the current answer.

While full benefits are great, as Chief Judge Poritz said, “What we ‘name’ things matters, language matters.” Since the state has decided to sanction marriages, and people have associations with the word and what it means for their family, the state can’t deny individuals access to marriage based on whom they want to marry.

Overall though, this is a much more interesting debate to have than rights v. no rights. The real question, however, is if this means we now have to hang out in Hoboken.

Our GQ and Details Subscriptions Ran Out So We Have No Idea What To Wear Anymore...

We have been noticing a strange thing recently. Men in headbands. More specifically, STRAIGHT men in headbands. We're not talking about bandanas or sweatbands or those patagonia ones that keep your ears warm. We are talking the horseshoe shaped headbands my sister used to wear in 1993 or those bra strap all the way around the head thingies that my friends in high school wore in 1999. Friends who were GIRLS, obviously, since we are talking about high school.

Two (2) straight boys at this school wear the bra strap ones on a regular basis, and I saw a man in a black thin bedazzled plastic horseshoe shaped one last night on the subway kissing a girl. Yes, all of these men have fabulous, thick, longish hair, and kind of looked hot in their headbands. But I wonder, if a gay man came to school wearing a headband of any sort, we would probably brush him off as a ridiculous human being who wears a headband, and laugh in his face. In fact, when Bigmouth had longish hair and used one to hold his hair back when tanning two summers ago in the privacy of the home of the people in the hamptons we were mooching off of, we pointed and laughed for the whole afternoon, and got our friends to do the same. But put one on a straight man, and all of a sudden it is not only socially acceptable, but it sort of looks hot. Are we homophobic? Do we suffer from gay shame? Are straight men trendier than we are? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!? WE THOUGHT THE GAY MAFIA GOT RID OF THE METROSEXUALS!!!

But I guess there are tradeoffs. Straight men actually have to deal with bras, so maybe they deserve to wear the straps around their head. In fact, we're not even sure we could identify a bra strap. Also, headbands go much better with sports jerseys and pleated pants. Carry on then straight men, carry on.

Christmas Is Going To Be Extra Special This Year!

Sorry for our silence kids, but it’s that time of year when the work piles up, and our sense of humor diminishes with the waning sunlight. But our mood changed when we learned today that...

Jesus supports gay rights, say S.African Anglicans

YAY! Thank you Jesus!

South African Anglicans are talking a different talk about the gays than most Anglicans in Africa, who haven’t been too happy ever since the Episcopals in America consecrated a gay priest. Female priests make them mad too.

We actually ran into Archbishop Desmond Tutu in the hall yesterday at school (we're serious), and though we weren't able to get a comment, we were sure to give him a big smile, since we always like a religious figure who, according to a new biography, says he was "'ashamed to be Anglican' when the church rejected proposals to reform its stance on gay clergy in 1998," and who has compared homophobia to apartheid.

South Africa, whose top court told parliament to legalize gay marriage last December, attributes its more liberal view to the fact that its people were forced to “deeply think through fundamental issues” based on the “length and intensity of the struggle for liberation.” We think that's great, since we like rights too.

Contrast this to other African Anglicans, like Archbishop Peter Akinola, who said "I cannot think of how a man in his senses would be having a sexual relationship with another man.”

Um...we have never really claimed be in our senses.

“It is so unnatural, so unscriptural. Even in the world of animals, dogs, cows, lions, we don't hear of such things."

So not true! Someone needs to get himself to Oslo.

We Realized It's Been A Long Time Since The Dialogue Here Has Been Elevated

Ok, apropos of nothing in particular, we’ve decided that it’s time at the FAGAT Guide that we talked about a pressing contemporary issue. It’s one that everybody knows about, but nobody talks about. And quite frankly, we’re tired of having to deal with it in silence.

That’s right. We’re talking about penises with strange shapes.

Don’t pretend you don’t know what we mean. You’ve been there. You only ever discover a strangely-shaped wang when it’s too late – after a long night of drinking, or, even worse, after several very nice dates. You go home to someone’s apartment under the pretense of “watching Laguna Beach on DVR,” you wind up in the bedroom, you pull off the American Apparel undies, and gasp! …where there should be a DingDong, there’s a SnoBall.

We’re not talking about small penises, or huge ones, or even curvy ones. That we can handle. We’re talking about schlongs that defy classification. While many penises have straightforward nicknames like “The General,” or “Iron Mike,” these are more likely to be called something like “The Zipper,” or "Grimace."

For example, one of the first ones we ever encountered was shaped, roughly, like an apple that had been stabbed by a pencil. That can be very damaging for an eleven year-old to experience! (Okay, maybe we were more like 22) Since then we’ve found ones shaped like a beer can, a walnut, and even a softball. And these are always the hardest to deal with. The good ol’ “yank on it until it either breaks, or something comes out,” strategy doesn’t apply with weird dicks. Instead, it’s always “you do this twisty thing while I pull on it from behind,” or “put your face here, I’ll do the rest,” or, like, “just shove it all the way down your throat, and start humming ‘If I Had A Hammer,’ okay?”

And frankly, we’re tired of it. That is not what Peter, Paul, OR Mary had in mind when they wrote that song. We recognize that it must be very difficult to be hung like a marble rye, but there’s a common courtesy that should be involved, we think. 1) Potential bedfellows should be warned in advance, especially if there are special rules involved, like “never touch that spot” or “don’t make it mad, it bites.” 2) The owner should be responsible for ensuring his own pleasure, at least at first. It’s hard enough to figure out how the various regular ones work, so you have to give us time. When we’re in a loving committed relationship, then you can ask us to do “that thing with our ear.” And 3), be gentle. As wrong as it is to shove anyone’s body parts into your own various orifices, it’s doubly wrong if that body part is shaped like Truman Capote.

As YouTube Has Already Begun Its Decline, Purging Videos That Are Too Violent Or Japanese, We're Blogging Them While We Can

Translation: we don't have time to blog today, but this vintage Tony clip is really bigger, better, and bottomy-er than anything we could ever hope to write.

Ignored In All This, Of Course, Is The Fact That The Founder Of Mitt Romney's Religion Pacticed and Preached Bigamy. Defending Marriage, What?

Just was flipping through the internets today and came upon this essay in the Boston Herald about gay marriage. It makes a good point - gubernatorial candidates in Massachusetts should be asked whether they would support a referendum on gay marriage, or some sort of ballot question addressing the 2004 court ruling. But then it makes a detour into Crazytown.

While defending Republican governor Mitt Romney's choice to attend a religious rally against gay marriage, the author Joe Fitzgerald has this to say: "Critics say Romney trashed Massachusetts. Please. When it comes to homosexual matrimony, Massachusetts deserves trashing. That’s like saying Martin Luther King trashed Alabama. On the issues of his day, it needed trashing, too."

Um.... Huh. A comparison between America's strongest fighter for equal rights, and a man who is doing his best to remove rights already given to a previously unprotected minority. You're losing us.

Fitzgerald then goes on to say that gays are uniformly against a referendum, without quoting a single gay person, publication, or poll: "This community that once pleaded for tolerance has become the most intolerant of all, especially now that it’s been emboldened by four anarchical judges, answerable to no one."

Um... Huh. It's funny, because a lot of gays DO want a referendum, especially since many straight Bay Staters have seen that the legalization wasn't the apocalypse at all. More people than ever live near, or know, committed gay couples. Sure, the court case was a bonus, but we really want to have our unions legitimized by everyone, not judges. So actually, the ball's back in your court, Fitzgerald. You can try the old Republican trick of spinning the word "tolerance" to your benefit, but lately, that old card is working less and less. So don't make assumptions about the opinions of a community you clearly know nothing about.

To paraphrase something another loudmouthed old white Republican once taught us, "When you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME."

Somehow we can also imagine President Bush attempting to make that joke. And screwing up the punchline.

If "irony is coolest when it’s worn as an invisible undergarment" then we are golden since we never wear underwear anyway...

You may be wondering why Bigmouth wrote in two days in a row. The truth is that we went to see Hell House on Friday night at St. Ann's in DUMBO, a real evangelical "chamber of horrors" used to incite fear in teens about raves, abortion, and same-sex attraction, performed non-ironically by a theater company here in NYC for the sake of irony. Overall, quite the theatrical experience. But what scared us the most was the scene in which our friend KMZ was whisked away to hell for blogging about evangelicals. WE DID THIS ONLY HOURS EARLIER THAT SAME DAY! Also, the gays dying of AIDS and being damned to hell forever wasn't too helpful either. So realizing that we had two major strikes against us, we thought we would give our soul some time to rest.

Actually, we found it fairly easy to laugh at the spectacle before us. But the obvious question in everyone's mind is how things like this possibly get put up for realz, and what exactly is happening in the minds of young impressionable boys (who like other boys) after they see a man dying of AIDS in a hospital bed with Satan standing above him saying, "What kind of idiot believes that you are born this way." Pretty scary stuff.

Also we like how the doctor was wearing a kippah.

If Only Mark Foley Had Applied For Membership In This Organization.

Two weeks ago our dear friend Alex R. came to visit us in Madrid, along with Bates G. and EB K. As we had a cup of coffee by the pond in Retiro Park, Alex suggested to us that instead of adopting children when we get older, we should consider joining the Older Gay Club.

We have always sort of known that such an organization exists, but we weren’t sure if it was as deeply entrenched as, say, the noble and storied Hot Boy Posse. Apparently, instead of spending their money on children, the OGC spends it on travel, food, and interior design. Since most gay couples have two full incomes at their disposal, and lots of taste, it can be a very lovely lifestyle, we’ve heard.

And this weekend in Lisbon, we were exposed to a little bit of it. Even though this group was young and still upwardly mobile, they already were reaping the benefits of not having children. People were able to drop everything and come to Portugal to eat and drink for a few days, and not have to worry about babysitters, spouses, school, or Fat Upper Pussy Areas. Even though much of the crowd was divided between Paris and Washington, DC, this mobility allowed them to remain close. And they all had great skin.

We’ve always thought we’d end up buying two mixed-race toddlers at the Gay Baby Store (you may know it by it’s Russian name, “Kazakhstan”) and living in a duplex in the West Village. We’d have a home office and become addicted to pornography, while our husband would work all day, get a potbelly, and sexually harass the custodial workers. To us, this life seemed like the height of human sophistication. But now we’re beginning to ponder the other option. Maybe it might not be so bad to keep getting richer as we grow old, and still be able to travel and eat out whenever we want. Instead of paying $120,000 for our 18 year-old to be a student at NYU in the Village, we could pay only $300 to take an 18-year-old NYU student to dinner in the Village – and have sex with him afterward. One night of stained sheets versus over a decade of ruined imported Egyptian carpeting.

Anti-gay marriage activists would have a lot more success, we think, if they changed their argument. Instead of targeting straight people and howling “THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN,” they should just put up some ads in Chelsea that say “THINK ABOUT THE PHILIPPE STARCK FURNITURE!”

What Happens In Lisbon, Stays In Lisbon... Except A Sore, Overworked Jaw, Which Sometimes Takes a Few Days To Shake Off.

We are writing this post from a crowded Western Union in Lisbon. We're just finishing up a fantastic long weekend here, where we helped to celebrate the birthday of SP, a charming man who we didn't know before Friday. FHC invited us along because he was a little bit worried that we were lonely in Madrid and needed some gay company. He was afraid that we might have a difficult expat experience, similar to his when he first moved to America, but we've yet to find ourselves high on hashish with our ankles tied behind our heads in the dorm hallway of a Catholic seminary.

Anyway, we've had a wonderful time in Portugal, and the capital city is very gorgeous. We've had a lot of pastries and port, and have met many new international gays (mostly skinny Frenchmen). It was all very charming and included several nights of clubbing and a bus tour.

Which leads us to the question of today's post: What is it about traveling that makes gay people so goddamn horny? From our account, there were five new hookups in our weekend group of 20 people. We'll leave unaccounted how many of those were our very own. And there many more attempted ones, and probably ones that we don't know about.

When traveling to a foreign place, like Madrid, or Rhode Island, we find that gays are generally more touchy feely, more uninhibited, and less selective. Is it because everything feels so much more anonymous, as opposed to the cliquey "everyone will know what you did in the morning" atmosphere of New York or Washington? Or is it more related to the fact that being around so many exotic one-of-a-kind artisinal home furnishing boutiques just really sets our loins on fire?

Either way, after this weekend, we are very excited to return home to Madrid with some port, a few nice hand-painted wall tiles, and a whole new neighborhood of Paris to avoid next time we go to visit.

We Took A WHOLE Class About This In College and It Counted For Our Science Requirement....

The Oslo Natural History Museum has opened an exhibit about homosexuality in the animal kingdom, showing "gay or lesbian behavior among giraffes, penguins, parrots, beetles, whales and dozens of other creatures," including such fun things as a photograph showing "two giant erect penises flailing above the water as two male right whales rub together." We saw that once happen in the wild. Or was it in P-town?

But hell knows no fury like an evangelical called for a comment on an exhibition on gay animals in a museum 4400 miles away.

To better compare Norwegian Curators' views on this issue with those of American Evangelicals - we have created a nice color-coded comparative chart:

That took us a really long time to make.

We Don't Really Feel Homesick That Often. Until We See Something Like This.

We're not sure if this video is on TV yet in the US, as we only get two channels here in Madrid, and they only play ridiculous game shows that involve coconuts, small amounts of money, and a lot of dancing. So if you've seen it, forgive us the redundant post. It just sort of seems like this video is everything this blog stands for.

Man, These Posts Are Getting Long. Between Us And The Back Pages Of HX, This May Be More Reading Than You've Done Since 'Misty Of Chincoteague.'

Not long before we left for Spain, we attended a cocktail party on the verandah of a neighbor’s porch in Maine. There are about 30 homes in our little park, and summer people probably own 15 of them. Since it’s such a small community, obviously there is lots of gossip. For example, only certain people were invited to the party. Others, like the family with the $5 million home on the hill who cut down all the trees on communal property to improve their ocean view, were not invited.

A few years ago, a gay couple moved into the neighborhood, and caused quite a stir. They bought a tiny cottage on a high rocky perch and built a huge, gorgeous, purple house. The buzz increased to a fever pitch when one of the men, presumably the breadwinner, mysteriously died. Nobody was saying anything bad, that we heard, but they couldn’t stop talking about the GAY couple – or speculating about what happened.

Since summer houses on the Maine coast often change hands, there are always new families or couples coming and going from our neighborhood. In fact, the cocktail party was being thrown to honor a family from Brooklyn Heights who had just moved in. And, as we chatted with our gin and tonics, someone mentioned to us that a new older couple had bought another giant house on a bluff by the water. A few people nearby turned to say they had met them, and their plans for the house had been very lovely. Our dear mother had even brought over some chutney to them, and said hello.

As we walked home from the party, still carrying our drinks, we asked our mom about the newest couple.

“Oh, they’re very nice,” she said. “One of them is a doctor, and the other guy owns a gallery.”
“Wait, what? They ‘other guy’? It’s a gay couple?” we asked.
“Oh, yeah,” my mother said.
“No one even mentioned that they were gay, once, at the party,” we said.
“Oh. Well, they are,” said my mom. And then we gave her a hug.

A recent poll came out stating that seven out of ten Americans know a gay person. This is great news. Opinion polls on equal rights issues don’t reflect this exposure, sadly. But we still harbor hope that for every new neighbor out there who is gay, there will also be a cocktail party where people forget to mention it.

She Was Right, There IS Always Someone Younger And Hungrier Coming Down The Stairs After You....Or Was It Up The Escalator...

We had yet another missed celebrity encounter on Friday night. We were at the Chelsea movie theater on line for “The Queen,” (YAAAAY!!! PUNS!!!) when we looked ahead of us and spotted Jessie Spano herself (Ms. Elizabeth Berkley) taking photos with some overbearing gays. We have seen her out and about before, but not since we got our Bayside Tigers T-shirt. Ever since we got it, we have dreamed about running into her again and getting her to sign it and perhaps pose for a camera-phone picture.

The G*ds must have been on our side that night, because we suddenly realized that under our long-sleeve Gap Kids T-shirt and Marmot Fleece, we had thrown on said Bayside Tigers shirt!!! We quickly dumped our bags on our companion, and started chasing Ms. Berkley who had already finished with the “too old to have really been into Saved By The Bell” Queens (YAAAY!!!! PUNS!!!), and was on her way up the escalator.

As we said before, we sometimes lose all sense of self-control around celebrities, and so we starting yelling her name on the escalator as we were pulling off our top two layers. Obvi, our Bayside Tigers shirt got caught in the fray and it appeared to everyone around us that we were chasing her while ripping off our clothes. She ran. We ran. We lost our vision as the shirts came over our head, fell, and by the time we got up, not only were we shirtless and scrawny looking, surrounded by gym freaks, but we had lost one of the greatest opportunities of our life.

This was especially painful to us, as we know all the words and dance moves to Hot Sundae’s “Put Your Mind To It,” and have been known to recreate the pivotal “I’m So Excited” scene of her career at dinner parties.

But we’ll live. At least The Queen was good. Ms. Berkley wasn’t inside though. She would have been easy to spot, as had she been there, she would have been the ONLY female in the ENTIRE THEATER. Seriously. When HRH Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh said “Elton John,” the ground literally shook.

In other news, the JAG protests went well – we were personally chosen to lead the “DOOO ask DOOOO tell” chant as the recruiters left the interview rooms and walked past us. A fellow OUTLaw noticed that they kept going to the bathroom together.

We were struck, however, by our non-OUTLaw classmates who were reluctant to wear rainbow ribbons when we were passing them out, our guess being because they thought it would lead people to believe they were gay. We suffered from this back in college before Bigmouth dragged us out of the closet, but we were curious if actual straight people who go to school in the West Village with oodles of ‘mos really worry about being perceived as gay. We’re not talking about people who support Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, but people who clearly oppose discrimination, and probably have a gay friend or two, but still would feel “weird” wearing a rainbow ribbon. Is the symbol of “pride” too tied to “coming out” and “identity” to be worn by allies? When we still had ours on later that evening, even we thought that people would see it and automatically think that we were gay, not question whether we were actually gay or just an ally. Or maybe we felt that way because we were seeing The Queen...in Chelsea...wearing a Bayside Tigers shirt.

JAGS NEED FAGS!!! 2...4...6..8...JAG SHOULD NOT DISCRIMINATE....HEY HEY, HO HO, DA/DT HAS GOT TO GO...BRING IT ON BEE-ATCHES!!!!!!!

Tomorrow is when JAG comes on campus to recruit in violation of the Law School's anti-discrimination policy. You may remember that the Law Schools lost in the Supreme Court 9-zip when they challenged the Solomon Amendment, the law that allows the Guv'ment to deny entire universities funding if their law schools don't let the military on campus, but we're still going to bring it. (FYI, Yale Law School is fighting separately since they are smarter than all of us combined times 3, and their case is still ongoing).

JAG did something really smart this year though. They scheduled their interviews at 8:30am on a Friday, when most gays are getting out of bed to pee, pop more Tylenol, and wash the Duvet stamp off their hand before getting back into bed for 4-5 more hours. This is good military strategery.

But it won't work! We're going to show up, bright and early with our rainbow ribbons, tight ARMY t-shirts, massive headaches, and deep sense of anger at this outdated rule that serves no one, especially not an over-extended military in dire need of people. Don't Ask Don't Tell is not about national security, cohesive units, maintaining order, or improving military effectiveness. It is about bare discrimination and a desire to silence people, and it prevents people from one day (maybe not at the beginning, but one day) returning home after a tour of duty and saying, "I served with ______; he's gay and he's an awesome American. And he looks great naked."

Last year, this school's OUTLaws were put on "the list" of bad Americans, so I wonder if we'll be met by any counter-intel. If so, I expect our camouflage thongs will help us keep our cover.

Being Abroad Makes You Miss Very Important Things. We Only Found Out YESTERDAY That Eva Longoria Broke Up With Tony Parker!

This is bad news.

Former Congressman Mark Foley, who basically threw a hand grenade into the campaign heart of the Republican National Committee when all of this disgusting emails and IMs were revealed, has screwed the gays even as he finally admits that he is one.

Foley said yesterday, through his lawyer, that he was molested as a child by a priest, and that this may have contributed to the impulses that led him to become a sexual predator himself. This has become a re-play of what happened with Jim McGreevey. When the former governor of New Jersey held his “Gay American” speech, “Regular Americans” learned that gays are a) liars, b) corrupt and c) sexually aggressive against unwilling partners.

Now, Foley, by conceding that he is gay at the same time as revealing this childhood abuse, has taught to the same “Regular Americans” that gays are a) liars, b) sexual predators, c) twisted into their current, sick form by childhood sexual abuse.

Foley’s lawyer did say that Foley "does not blame the trauma he sustained as a young adolescent for his totally inappropriate e-mails and IMs [instant messages]. He continues to offer no excuse whatsoever for his conduct." But will anyone hear that? By announcing these messages at the same time, he’s making a pretty easy connect-the-dots picture for bigoted Americans who only want to hear that gay people are sick, or abnormal.

This amplifies a point made yesterday by Fishwatch. It doesn’t help that he’s in “rehab” and trying to combat a mysterious bout of alcoholism that none of his friends or cohorts ever noticed before. The amount of times that “treatment,” “recovery,” and “getting better” are used in the rhetoric of the scandal just add another link. “There’s something wrong with gay people,” Fox News viewers will hear. “They need to be fixed.”

The concept that a close-minded society is the cause of scandalous aberrations like Jim McGreevey and Mark Foley, rather than their innate homosexuality, is just too complicated to expect gay rights foes to grasp. Many of these people are the ones who think the world was created in seven days, remember. They like to keep it simple.

However, the most important question, we think, is this: can we get a picture of the fucking page, please? Come on bloggers, you have no journalistic integrity. Screw the kid’s right to privacy. With all this dirty talk, we need a visual!

It's A Good Thing We Don't Have To Atone Today Cause Going Without Carbs For Too Long Makes Us Do Even Worse Things...

We were a bit of a culture vulture this weekend. On Friday night we saw The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, and though it was cute, we think the best part was when the female lead's boyfriend came out during the curtain call and proposed to her. The audience erupted in applause and joy. Which got us thinking...even at one of the most liberal places conceivable, after the audience endured songs about such things as erections, would people have been as enthusiastic if the male lead's bf came out on stage and dropped to one knee? I would have, but not sure the all the tourists would have felt the same. Have any gay people proposed in such public spaces yet? Will the gays ever get to propose on the jumbotron at Yankee Stadium? Um...fine, at the U.S. Open? We'd even settle for the curtain call of a musical...

We digress.

We then went to see the pen-penultimate performance of History Boys, which may have been the greatest play we have ever seen on B-way. Not just because the history boys were the cutest things Britain has ever exported, but because it was smart, well written, well acted, and meaningful. Also, it didn't hurt that we were sitting next to another export from the UK, whom we asked to translate some of the jokes for us, and whom we tried to convince had an obligation to date us to make up for the 300 years of occupation of our motherland.

On the other side of us (yes we went ALONE) was a gay power couple from DC, who were, as you probably figured by now, lawyers. Now it is just getting ridiculous. The first person to meet an actual, real life, single gay lawyer wins two tickets to the History Boys movie. Just note that we'll be going to that alone as well, and sitting next to your actual, real life, single lawyer date, armed with talking points on jurisprudence.

On a side note, about this whole FoleyDirtyIMPageGate situation, we got a little angry (OK, a lot) when the religious right started saying, "See, we told you all the gays are pedophiles." HAVE THESE PEOPLE EVEN SEEN "TO CATCH A PREDATOR"???? If the awkwardness that ensues when the predator is confronted is not enough to get you hooked, then maybe NBC hottie Chris Hansen is. If even that is not enough, maybe these people should watch to remind themselves that their own kind has plenty of dirty, dirty people in the mix. Also, putting statements like these at the end of your press releases diminishes some of your credibility. Just some.

Americans For Truth is a non-profit, non-partisan group dedicated solely to confronting the homosexual activist movement.

Emphasis added. Stupidity original.