We Realized It's Been A Long Time Since The Dialogue Here Has Been Elevated

Ok, apropos of nothing in particular, we’ve decided that it’s time at the FAGAT Guide that we talked about a pressing contemporary issue. It’s one that everybody knows about, but nobody talks about. And quite frankly, we’re tired of having to deal with it in silence.

That’s right. We’re talking about penises with strange shapes.

Don’t pretend you don’t know what we mean. You’ve been there. You only ever discover a strangely-shaped wang when it’s too late – after a long night of drinking, or, even worse, after several very nice dates. You go home to someone’s apartment under the pretense of “watching Laguna Beach on DVR,” you wind up in the bedroom, you pull off the American Apparel undies, and gasp! …where there should be a DingDong, there’s a SnoBall.

We’re not talking about small penises, or huge ones, or even curvy ones. That we can handle. We’re talking about schlongs that defy classification. While many penises have straightforward nicknames like “The General,” or “Iron Mike,” these are more likely to be called something like “The Zipper,” or "Grimace."

For example, one of the first ones we ever encountered was shaped, roughly, like an apple that had been stabbed by a pencil. That can be very damaging for an eleven year-old to experience! (Okay, maybe we were more like 22) Since then we’ve found ones shaped like a beer can, a walnut, and even a softball. And these are always the hardest to deal with. The good ol’ “yank on it until it either breaks, or something comes out,” strategy doesn’t apply with weird dicks. Instead, it’s always “you do this twisty thing while I pull on it from behind,” or “put your face here, I’ll do the rest,” or, like, “just shove it all the way down your throat, and start humming ‘If I Had A Hammer,’ okay?”

And frankly, we’re tired of it. That is not what Peter, Paul, OR Mary had in mind when they wrote that song. We recognize that it must be very difficult to be hung like a marble rye, but there’s a common courtesy that should be involved, we think. 1) Potential bedfellows should be warned in advance, especially if there are special rules involved, like “never touch that spot” or “don’t make it mad, it bites.” 2) The owner should be responsible for ensuring his own pleasure, at least at first. It’s hard enough to figure out how the various regular ones work, so you have to give us time. When we’re in a loving committed relationship, then you can ask us to do “that thing with our ear.” And 3), be gentle. As wrong as it is to shove anyone’s body parts into your own various orifices, it’s doubly wrong if that body part is shaped like Truman Capote.