If Only Mark Foley Had Applied For Membership In This Organization.

Two weeks ago our dear friend Alex R. came to visit us in Madrid, along with Bates G. and EB K. As we had a cup of coffee by the pond in Retiro Park, Alex suggested to us that instead of adopting children when we get older, we should consider joining the Older Gay Club.

We have always sort of known that such an organization exists, but we weren’t sure if it was as deeply entrenched as, say, the noble and storied Hot Boy Posse. Apparently, instead of spending their money on children, the OGC spends it on travel, food, and interior design. Since most gay couples have two full incomes at their disposal, and lots of taste, it can be a very lovely lifestyle, we’ve heard.

And this weekend in Lisbon, we were exposed to a little bit of it. Even though this group was young and still upwardly mobile, they already were reaping the benefits of not having children. People were able to drop everything and come to Portugal to eat and drink for a few days, and not have to worry about babysitters, spouses, school, or Fat Upper Pussy Areas. Even though much of the crowd was divided between Paris and Washington, DC, this mobility allowed them to remain close. And they all had great skin.

We’ve always thought we’d end up buying two mixed-race toddlers at the Gay Baby Store (you may know it by it’s Russian name, “Kazakhstan”) and living in a duplex in the West Village. We’d have a home office and become addicted to pornography, while our husband would work all day, get a potbelly, and sexually harass the custodial workers. To us, this life seemed like the height of human sophistication. But now we’re beginning to ponder the other option. Maybe it might not be so bad to keep getting richer as we grow old, and still be able to travel and eat out whenever we want. Instead of paying $120,000 for our 18 year-old to be a student at NYU in the Village, we could pay only $300 to take an 18-year-old NYU student to dinner in the Village – and have sex with him afterward. One night of stained sheets versus over a decade of ruined imported Egyptian carpeting.

Anti-gay marriage activists would have a lot more success, we think, if they changed their argument. Instead of targeting straight people and howling “THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN,” they should just put up some ads in Chelsea that say “THINK ABOUT THE PHILIPPE STARCK FURNITURE!”