Friday, November 10, 2006

Nothing Like An Outed RNC Chair To Cause A Walk Down Memory Lane

Well. We don’t know what to think about Ken Mehlman. In the end, we sort of decided that he wasn’t gay, after he told us so. But here comes Bill Maher, ready to tell us we were all wrong. Isn’t it usually the straight guys who assume everyone is straight, and the gays who assume the opposite? Funny. (Our secret suspicion is that Maher knows Mehlman won't sue him for libel, so he's safe even if the guy is straight)

But anyway, as a celebration of whether or not Kenny is about to be outed, we thought we’d take a walk down memory lane, and recall our favorite moments of sexual confusion:

1) One of the best had to be during Senior year in college, on Halloween, when we unexpectedly found ourselves in the bed of a boy who had been straight throughout college (he had even just dumped a girlfriend the day before, and would reunite with her the day after). We were so surprised by the situation that we didn’t realize how drunk we were, and halfway through the evening’s activities, we left his room, claiming to have to go to the bathroom. Instead, though, we walked home, without shoes, socks, jacket, wallet or shirt. When we arrived, we barfed for hours.

2) Very high up on the list would also have to be, despite his protestations that he wasn’t gay, the time we kissed Fishwatch in a basement squash court. While we got in trouble for it at the time, it was one of the best things we ever did.

3) Then there’s the time when, as a camp counselor we got drunk (are we noticing a pattern here?) while leading a hiking trip of ten nine-year-olds on the Appalachian trail. While sleeping in a lean-to with the campers and some random thru-hikers, we were very surprised when the straight, Scottish head counselor deemed it necessary to perform a hypothermia drill with us in our sleeping bag.

4) And who could forget the time when Kevin Spacey told an ex of ours, confusing his reticence to hook up for actual heterosexuality, that “You don’t have to be a waterskier to waterski”?

5) And the best one would have to be the time that we, before thousands of television viewers would ask the same question, wondered whether this guy was gay. He was the first boy we hit on at college, and it went so poorly that soon after we hooked up with his female best friend as penance.

This could go on for pages. Anyone else have stories to share?


Zeke said...

umm five years of confused signals from our best friend only to have it swept under the rug before his wedding and told it was a misunderstanding.

I thought Dave lieberman was gay...

Aatom said...

Not confusion so much, but alcohol played a huge factor in getting me date-raped by a psychotic Russian girl who we knew from High School and who followed me to my college town, where she plied me with massive amounts of cheap wine at a French House party. I passed out on her dorm room floor, and woke up inside of her. I knew this would be the only real opportunity to 'give it a chance', so I said fuck it and fucked her. She asked me to go down on her, I laughed very loudly in her face, then rolled over and passed out. Worst hangover ever.

the one in your dreams said...

aside from sleeping with a straight friend for six years starting sophomore year of college, or going to a sorority formal, fucking my female date, then on the walk home getting propositioned and hooking up with another guy who was at the formal...

no, it was all so clear.

in retrospect.