Tuesday, January 24, 2006
We Promise To Remain Bitter Until Someone Sticks A Dick In Us.
We were blissfully ignoring the onset of February 14 until this morning when we were opening our mail at work, and we received our first Valentine’s Day gift!
Pleased and flattered, we opened it up right away. It turned out to be a DVD of “Saw II” and two severed fingers, made of chocolate.
Thanks Lions Gate Films! So romantic. We will be sure to nibble on the fingers as we cry ourselves to sleep on the 14th, fat, alone, and watching the last 25 minutes of “Love Actually,” “Bridget Jones,” and “Sean Cody's Greatest Hits” over and over…
But it did make us think. Valentines Day is something that, unlike gay marriage, adoption rights, and inheritance rights, we don’t have to fight to make our own. It’s is a bastion of heterosexuality that they can’t stop us from invading. And yet… do we really want it?
Sure, we’ve had bad Valentine’s Days (our first girlfriend, Mary, dumped us on Feb. 14 in the sixth grade) and good ones (our boyfriend Brian went to see us in “La Boheme” (we played a non-singing waiter) and brought us flowers). But for the most part, we associate the holiday with disappointed girlfriends and poorly lit Italian restaurants – and you KNOW we don’t do pasta.
So…. We propose that Halloween become the new gay Valentine’s Day. It’s really more what we are about – exhibitionism, camp, boys in skimpy costumes, better candy, big parties and “funny” shirtless pictures of ourselves specifically taken for the purpose of posting on Friendster.
And really, if you’ve ever stumbled home in a skimpy Tarzan costume at 7 in the morning, still drunk, smeared all over with blue paint from some hot guy who was dressed as Smurfette, shivering in the freezing cold Nov. 1 weather, you know… That’s a holiday done RIGHT.
Who’s with us?