Wednesday, April 11, 2007

WHY YOU ARE GAY: American Gladiators

How could you possibly have been expected to stay heterosexual in the presence of a show that featured hot musclemen in spandex, running around and beating each other with pillow sticks?

You knew you loved “American Gladiators,” but you didn’t know why. Was it the obstacle courses? The feats of strength? The tennis ball gun?

No. It was the gayness.

The male gladiators were basically sexy superheroes come to life, with uniforms that were campier than Captain Marvel. They had names like Nitro and Gemini and Zap. The women were so testosterized that they were also basically men. And yet, it was perfectly acceptable for you to ask to watch “Gladiators” at a friend’s house, or with your big brother, because everybody thought it was cool! (God, what the fuck did they put in the water in the 80s?)

You sat and you watched, commenting on how tough everybody was, waiting in eager anticipation for the part where the scantily clad men battle each other in giant cage balls. It was the most titillating thing you could look at since you learned that National Geographic sometimes published photos of penises in foreign lands. You could even get away with saying you wanted to BE an American Gladiator when you grew up.

And as you said it, you probably joyfully imagined your life of chest waxing, unitards, and staring at the tight asses of other men as you chased them up a rock climbing wall. And in that moment, it may have occurred to you in that weird, unvoiced region in the back of your head, that yeah – you’re probably going to turn out queer.

8 comments:

matt said...

i think we may be the same person...this series is truly a testament to the gentics behind being a "fagat"...

Bald Knob said...

Wow- interesting take. I always thought that tennis-ball machine-gun was hyper masculine- shooting people when they are down, and laughing when their goggles shatter and their retinas are lacerated.

But where there's hyper-masculinity, combined with spandex, I guess I can see how it all turns out gay... particularly the rock climbing race, trying to grab the ass above you.

I heard a rumor AG is coming back to television......

Ryan said...

I loved this show!!! Now I know why, haha.

the one in your dreams said...

my god, i completely forgot about this show! you are spot on though--it was always a treat (though i didnt know why) to watch the hot guys in those uniforms (at the time).

i can still picture the guys but not the women...and at the time i know my father was so pleased i was interested in watching such a masc show! the only thing that could have made him happier were if i could actually throw a football.

bigmouth said...

BK - we vividly remember that episode with the guy who got the sliced retina! We may have even watched it twice.

Brandon S said...

LOL I love your take on this! I can still remember many nights watching this with my parents like it was some great sporting event! Though I hated sports I always loved AG and I think it made my dad proud, sadly!

I remember that one mean looking black lady, I believe she could have taken any of the men. They should do a "Where Are They Now" of the AG, I would say many are in porn or shooting up in the flop house across town.

Anonymous said...

Well, this show rocks so suck it people!q

h said...

I dont remember the retina episode. Sounds painful!