Thursday, June 07, 2007

The Other Day We Went On A Wonderful Date At The Olive Garden.

You read that right. We’d never been to the Olive Garden in our whole lives, and thus requested to be taken there by a tall and handsome friend. It did not disappoint.

We went to the one in Chelsea, which we assumed would be barren because no self-respecting gay would ever set foot in those doors (the windows are even slatted so you can’t see in – as though inexpensive family Italian food were pornographic!). In fact, around the bar there were tons of gays. A few even seemed to be on dates, like us, but without irony!

It was like going to a suburb-themed amusement park. We got a wiggly beeper to tell us when our table was ready, and when we were seated we ordered a bottomless garden salad with iceberg lettuce. The waiter asked us if we “liked wine,” and then offered a sample of a Cavit Pinot Noir (Cavit, you may recall, also makes that Pinot Grigio that you often pick up at that cheap liquor store on your corner, on the way to that party you don’t want to go to, because it only costs $7.99 a bottle). A highlight of the appetizer course was when a woman across from us leaned over in her chair, paused, and then farted through her pink jeans loud enough for us to hear fifteen feet away. It appeared that she, also, was on a date.

To be honest, the food was extremely tasty and we ended up completely stuffed. The wine we ended up getting was decent, and the waitstaff was friendly and unpretentious. Had we not been seated across from a charming boy, it all may have been different. But as it happened, our date at there was one of the best we’ve had in a long time.

And you thought there was nothing queer about the Olive Garden.

5 comments:

Brandon S said...

I do live in the middle of the country so perhaps that would explain this, but here at least, The Olive Garden is gaytastic, over half the wait staff is taking it up the butt. But none the less I can't get over the fact that they don't even have ovens!

MattGaymon said...

You're like the Economist of gay NY blogs. "Cavit, you may recall, also makes that Pinot Grigio that you often pick up at that cheap liquor store on your corner, on the way to that party you don’t want to go to, because it only costs $7.99 a bottle" recapitulates three years of my social life.

Frank said...

Hey, that salad dressing and that bread are laced with crack! Once you taste them, you'll always be going back.

Aatom said...

When I moved here a decade ago, my best friend and I decided to try the OG here in Times Square. It overlooks Times Square, and I used to love Olive Garden when I lived in Bumblefuck, VA. It was my family's 'special treat' place, so I thought "now I can treat myself anytime I want! yay!" Much to my chagrin, I did not have the pleasant experience food-wise that you did, and I remember thinking that if I was going to spend this much on crap midtown food, I could at least find something less corporate and slightly more interesting cuisine-wise.

But it's good to hear that you had a wonderful date. My boy made me medium-rare tuna steaks on a bed of sauteed vegetables last night. And the view from my apt is much better than the one from the midtown Olive Garden. It was much nicer being home for a wonderful meal with someone I love. In related news: I think my transformation into a lesbian is almost complete.

jason said...

Well, after this line:

"leaned over in her chair, paused, and then farted through her pink jeans loud enough for us to hear fifteen feet away. It appeared that she, also, was on a date."

your site was bookmarked for me.
Beautiful!