This weekend we went to see “Knocked Up” and even though we arrived fifteen minutes early, we still could only find seats in the front row. This meant that when the inevitable birth scene popped up on screen, we were front and center for the action. We had heard it was funny, so we were excited.
[Spoiler alert – If you want to see this movie and want to remain surprised by a relatively small but key gag near the end of the film, stop reading here. We are going to use capital letters so you’re probably see what we’re going to write anyway, but don’t say we didn’t warn you]
Then it happened. Midway through the scene, which mostly entailed a lot of yelling and begging for drugs, it exploded onto the screen like the EYE OF SAURON. That’s right, a VAGINA. And not just any run-of-the-mill, shaved Britney Spears POONANI. It was a DISGUSTING, RED, SWOLLEN, SWEATY SLIT. WITH A BABY’S HEAD COMING OUT OF IT. We nearly died. And you know why? Not because we think PUSSIES (or “FRONT BUTTS,” as our straight brother calls them so that we gays understand what he’s talking about) have teeth or contain garden gnomes operate on a sandpaper-suction principle. No, we nearly died because we understand CUNTS perfectly and think they are appalling.
Now, don’t get us wrong, “Knocked Up” is a great movie that everybody will like. But if you’re like us and have sworn off of TWATS ever since one regrettable incident in high school involving your best guy friend and your best girl friend and some Captain Morgan and Diet Coke, you may want to shut your eyes for just one scene.
[Spoilers end here]
Just kidding. WEEPING PELVIC AXWOUND.