And We're BACK!

And what a long, strange trip it's been.

We (Bigmouth, that is) are back in the United States. Finally. And it's good to be back. Our first night back in the city we went to the Phoenix, saw two people we've slept with, had a few $2 pints, and pimped our roommate out to someone nearly twice his age.

Not much to say because we figure most of you are out of the office by now, but we came across this article about gay reparations in Spain, which we think you should read because it's interesting and gives you some insight into what's going on with gays in the country where we have been living.

More next week, when we have more time. But expect big things from your friends at Fagats in the New Year. After all, we expect a lot from YOU.

We Could Do Things Like "Go For a Run" or "Read a Book," But Doing Less Productive Things and Then Making Lists About It Seems Much More Fun...

In case you were curious, here's what we've been doing during the past 36 hours here in the "First in Flight" state:

1. Watched 4 back-to-back episodes of The Dog Whisperer.

2. Listened to our entire 28 song-long "melancholy" playlist while staring at the ceiling.

3. Made a power point presentation with pictures of all the people we know (slash stalk) at school next to pictures of who is playing them in the movie musical that LL and I are writing.

4. Read about the gay serial rapist in Texas.

5. Had half a slice of pizza and 2 quarts of sweet tea for lunch.

6. Spent three hours at the movie theater staring at Matt Damon and wishing we were in Skull and Bones so we too could mud wrestle nekkid.

7. Performed "One Night Only" (Both the Effie and Disco versions) and "I Am Changing" on the second floor ledge overlooking the living room when no one was home.

8. Rearranged our "featured friends" on friendster no less than 9 times.

9. IMed with FHC explaining to him why he was not a "featured friend."


Yes, we too are praying for Bigmouth's safe return.

Do Those Civil War Re-enactments Still Happen? Maybe We Can Dress Up And Take Advantage of the Pre Don't Ask Don't Tell Days...

Sorry for the week off, but Christmas can be a busy time, even for us pagans and idol worshippers.

We're headed to our parents' new home in the North Carolina today. Yes people, the SOUTH. We're taking about a town where "So what church do y'all go to" is the first question your new neighbors ask when they bring you a pie. (We mean, at least they bring you a pie, all we got when we moved to the Upper East Side was a request to not sing so loud and questions like "why did your sister move to Chelsea and you move here?" as they eyed our Paul Smith shoes).

Our mom asked us to figure out some things to do over the next nine days so we aren't bored to tears. Drag our sister to the gay bar(s)? Engage in a door-to-door goodwill tour trying to bridge the blue state-red state divide? Change our friendster location and attempt to date the local(s)? Find John Edwards and tell him to stop mass e-mailing us?

The answer is unclear, but at least we have 90210 season one on DVD to keep us occupied for the next 36 hours. So expect another pointless post around the time Andrea uncomfortably offers herself to Brandon as a going away gift. (Yeah we tried that too once, it REALLY doesn't work). Also, if anyone has heard from Bigmouth, please let us know.

It's A World Of Laughter, A World Of Tears. It's a World Of Hopes And A World Of Queers.

So on Sunday night we went to OverKitsch at the Queen in Paris. It's a big gay party with lots of soul-crushing-but-heavenly music like the dance remix of "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera. We showed up with two friends, and then shortly afterward someone we we have slept once or twice with made an appearance. This was not so surprising, as this boy lives in Paris.

But THEN, a boy who we once tried to sleep with from the United States randomly showed up. On the arm of a boy who used to sleep with FHC.

We know the gays always talk about how it's a small world. So we won't go on and on. Except to say that if any of you start getting an itchy brown rash on your neck, even though this whole year you've only slept with that one-eyed Jew from Madagascar, it might still be our fault.

And In Other News, The FAGAT Guide's 'Person of the Year' is a tie between Britney's Vag and The Arizona Voter...

For the first time since the tradition started in 1927, a homosexual has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. (Unless Hitler and the Ayatollah Khomeini were gay. Were they?).

Time's Person of the Year for 2006 is you.

The magazine has put a mirror on the cover of its "Person of the Year" issue, released on Monday, "because it literally reflects the idea that you, not us, are transforming the Information Age."

We just read about the Time - Warner merger for our corporations class (someone please help us) and how Time sought a partner that would allow it to "keep its journalistic integrity." Looks like that didn't work out too well.

They Forget To Tell Us How Many Hours Of The Year We Spend Blogging About Really Important Issues...

So the Census Bureau released its 2007 statistical abstract, telling us that Americans spend a lot of time in front of the TV (64 days of the year) (um...we are still on season 1 of grey's on netflix), poop a lot (about 4.4 pounds per day, up from 3.7 pounds in 1980) (that sounds about right), and are getting fatter ("the fattest inhabitants of the planet") (that was way harsh Tai). But at least we are getting taller.

Also, "for the first time, the abstract quantifies same-sex sexual contacts." Apparently, 6 percent of men and 11.2 percent of women say they have had these "contacts." Whether this means a drunk game of Twister or a drunk game of making eyes at each other on the dance floor, going home together, and then having a lifetime of awkward encounters around Manhattan, we don't know, but we can say that we have not seen any members of the 6% in the last few days as they rarely make it to this corner of the law library.

We also like how in 1970, 79 percent of college freshman said their goal was "developing a meaningful philosophy of life," as opposed to in 2005, where 75 percent said "their primary objective was to be financially very well off." Sounds like the kids are getting better at being able to say coherent and logical things despite being incredibly, incredibly stoned.

Shame, Regret and More Than A Little Bit Of Wonder About The Absurd Person We Used To Be.

Not much time to blog today, but did anybody else notice that the Republicans are going after Mass. Govervor Mitt Romney for not being anti-gay ENOUGH? This is a guy who has not shut up about the Mass. Supreme Court ruling for one week in the last few months. And the rightest side of the GOP is saying he isn´t hardline enough to make it through the presidential primaries.

We´re not banking on the fact that these people have any sense of self-reflection, but in 20 years if they are still alive, we don´t know how they will be able to look back on all the superfluous intolerance they promoted in these years. How will they be able to defend their so-called spiritual and emotional reactions to this issue?

We imagine they will feel sort of the way we do when we think of the profound emotional response that used to be inspired in us by The World of David the Gnome.

People In The Library Can See Us Searching The Internet For Soft Porn Right Now and It Is Really Embarrassing. Oh The Things We Do For You People...

No time to blog today since we have to "study," but LL told us that we don't post enough pictures of near naked men anymore, so here goes.

Forget about whether a woman or black man will become the next prez for a minute, and instead focus on this very important election. We will be campaigning for this young man:


It's mostly because of that Hindi script tattooed on his right arm. It translates roughly as, "condoms made according to international sizes don't fit me either, so I just use this guitar instead."

And As Joan Yelled To Christina, "THIS IS JUST WONDERFUL!!!"

Not only are we a transfer at this school and so already presumptively sub-par, but now this:

A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.

What we lack in size we make up for in knowledge about Dell computers. And we never try and overcompensate for our lack of size with humor.

We're Already Starting Production On The Made For TV Movie Based On This, Starring Richard Dreyfus, Camryn Manheim, And Rosie...

VP: Get your hand off my daughter's ass Martina, this is the WHITE HOUSE.

Mary: Her name is Heather, Dad.

VP: Yeah, whatever, let's get this shit show press conference started. God damn lessies gettin' preggers. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?? Don't even tell me there were turkey basters involved.

Heather: We are not disclosing the identity of the father of this child, or how Mary became preggers. Besides, I believe....

VP: Oh pipe down Billie Jean. AND GET YOUR HAND OFF HER ASS before I shoot you in the face. I've done it before people, let's remember that.

Mary: Dad!

VP: I can only say thank the good Lord you didn't announce this thing before the midterms, we might have lost.

Heather: You did lose, Dick.

VP: For the love of God Ellen, do you want me to have another heart attack? THIS IS THE WHITE HOUSE. I will ship your Indigo Girl sized ass off to Gitmo, I swear.

Heather: Also, maybe we shouldn't go out there all wearing the same exact thing, especially since our body types are so similar...

VP: "Looking forward with eager anticipation to the arrival of our sixth..." Who in holy hell wrote this crap? Wait, I have 5 grandkids?

Mary: Dad, can we talk about what kind of controversy we can expect over this, considering we live in Virginia where no rights are granted to same sex couples or their kids, and that our party supports writing discrimination against us into the Constitution?

VP: You didn't seem to mind all this when you were campaigning for BUSH/CHENEY 2004, the BEST GOD DAMN CAMPAIGN EVER! WHOO HOO WE WON! THE TERRORISTS LOST!!

Mary: But I did mind, you convinced me to stay with the campaign for other important national reasons.

VP: SUCKER!!!! Heh heh heh.

Heather: Oh Christ, I'm out of here.

Mary: Dad, did you tell the President about this? What did he say?

VP: He asked if you two were going to get married before the child was born. You know, so it ain't, what are they calling it these days, "illegitimate."

Mary: (blank stare)

VP: What?

Whatever Happened To The Days When A Breakup Merely Involved You, A Bottle Of Vodka, Tissues, And Endless 30-Second Preview Clips Of Internet Porn?

An interesting email just crossed our inbox, forwarded from a friend. It was a breakup announcement.

It came in the form of an attachment, and was designed like a "Save The Date" notice. It included a jpeg of the unhappy couple in pleasanter times, and the text:

"Mssrs. [Redacted] and [Redacted]

Regretfully announce their

Disassociation.


Following eight years of life shared together
the gentlemen have severed the bonds
of their previous relationship and
presently live separate and apart."

The email included their new mailing addresses, which we assume was the purpose of the notice. Is this what's expected now? Can we no longer dump the bastard without having to buy stationary? Are we wrong to think this is ridiculous?

We can only imagine what's next. The Breakup Announcement with the letter insert, like your mom insisted upon including with your family Christmas cards in the mid-nineties. Except instead of "Chad made high honors and is applying to Northwestern!" we'll be treated to chipper notes in Verdana font telling us, "If it wasn't for the staph infection, we may have made it a few more months. But when we both got tested and only he had chlamydia, then we knew it was the end. :-) "

Oh, Chad. We always knew it would end this way...

Have You Ever Noticed How Balthazar Is Always Painted Behind The Others? We Wonder If He Had To Ride At The Rear Of The King Caravan, As Well...

We know, dear readers, that ever since we departed from Spain you have been unable to sleep at night from worry and loss. We can just picture you tossing and turning in your blue plaid Banana Republic pajama bottoms, kicking loose the sweaty Nautica duvet cover you bought from Bed Bath & Beyond with the gift certificate your parents got you for Christmas for two years ago. Occasionally, you might accidentally wake up the barista you took home that night, the one with black hair and blue eyes whose arms looked so good making your Pumpkin Spice Latte. Because neither of you can sleep, you reach around and start…

Oh, sorry. We got a little carried away.

What we meant to say is, we will return to America just before the New Year, after which you can expect more frequent (and less extraneous) posts. Until then, we will do our best. We are doing a lot of traveling between now and January and may have difficult giving your something catty and inappropriate every day. We apologize in advance.

And for now we leave you with a Christmas joke from Fagats co-worker-slash-joke-supplier-in-chief, Hugh, in honor of this holy season. It’s not actually that funny, but it helps if you remember that in Spain, the Reyes Magos are wizard kings who bring children presents, instead of Santa Claus, which we think is SUPER:

The three wizard kings came to visit Jesus in the manger in Bethlehem a few days after his birth, having followed a great shining star. The manger was lit only by a few candles, and the glow of the great star above piercing its thatched roof. As Balthazar, Melchior and Gaspar stooped to see the child, Balthazar slammed his turbaned head into a support beam.

“Jesus Christ!” he yelped.

“Write that down,” Mary said to Joseph, quickly. “It’s better than Derek.”

This Post Is Serious Y'all!

We can't do fancy screen captures or anything, but has anyone else noticed that on the "Inside NYTimes.com" bar on the NYTimes homepage where they highlight articles with a row of square pictures, there is the (rather sad and scary) article from this Sunday's regular Magazine about gays being persecuted and attacked in Egypt and other Arab counties, but that above the picture of gays being rounded up, blindfolded, and led to jail so that they can be tortured, the Times people have put the "T: Style" link to the Style Magazine instead of the regular "Magazine" link, making it seem as if the article was in fact in the T: Style magazine? We often joke about how all things gay at the Times go into the paper's styles sections regardless of seriousness of issue, but this may be taking things too far.

But you know what pisses us off A LOT more than perhaps a careless error like this by the Times? Maybe the fact that gays are violently persecuted in Arab countries, less for religious or cultural reasons and more for political gain and sheer personal benefit. As backward as America sometimes is, and as often as gays are used for political gain, we still do have plenty of reasons to cry when "Proud to be an American" comes on the radio.

We Really Hope These People Aren't Waiting Around Forevs Cause A Strapless Vera Wang On Saggy T*ts Is Not Good For Anyone...

First it was Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend, then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, and now, brace yourselves, Mary Lunetta and Max Hartman have joined the "we'll wait until the gays can marry" movement that is growing among celebs and college couples across the nation.

But seriously folks, this is a nice article about gayllies and alliesbians who are outspoken and committed to delaying the walk down the aisle to the chupa until everyone who wants to join the institution of marriage is legally able to do so. This is a serious choice, given that they're giving up such things as 1,138 federal rights and a registry at Crate & Barrel, just so they can point out the fact that other loving couples are legally barred from similar things. Also, getting profiled in an article in the Sunday Styles is way cooler than having your announcement in the back, even though, let's be truthful, the prospect of that announcement is really what keeps us engaged in the fight for marriage rights.

Many of the couples want to be vocal about their choice to hold off on marriage, and since not all of them can make a statement to US Weekly like Brad and Ange, they do it in other ways.

Referring to each other as “partner” usually helps avoid the misperception, but that can be tricky, too. When Ms. Augusto, the sociology graduate student, speaks of her partner, people ask if she’s a lesbian.

This reminds us of the time our college a cappella group was in New Zealand and we were invited to some nice homes, including the home of a super duper hottie with an adorable Kiwi accent who said, "My paaart-nur and I would love to host you all" at which point half of the all male group (yes, only half believe it or not) started jumping up and down uncontrollably giggling, only to start crying upon realizing that people in other parts of the world don't limit the term "partner" to the gays. So if this word picks up momentum, watch out people. Watch out.

This Is Why We Are So Glad That Doogie Came Out.

Because otherwise, daytime television would never get this astronomically gay.

(Thanks to our beloved LA Fagats correspondent for this clip...)

As For Rehoboth Beach, Though, Is It Possible To Be Up-And-Coming and Aging-And-Sun-Damaged At The Same Time?

The website www.gayghettos.com (who knew?) has come up with a list of up-and-coming new, well, gay ghettos. Obviously the founders of the site are cleverly just trying to corner the luxury online real estate ad market. After all, who wouldn´t want to target a wealthy minority as they peruse the web looking for places to overspend on up-and-coming neighborhoods? But who knows, it might be accurate.

The list is interesting for a few reasons, not the least of which because it includes Andersonville, the Chicago neighborhood where official Straight Fagat Brother, Bald Knob, lives with his girlfriend. (And, oddly, the South End in Boston, the former home of our mom´s ex boyfriend. Like we ever had a chance.)

But we must object to the inclusion of Hell´s Kitchen. Sure, some bargain-hunting gays live there, and yes, Therapy is nearby. But if HK is the future of gay life in the city, we may just move to South Second, WI. We´re no experts, but this is a neighborhood best known for its cramped sublets with fake walls, framed posters, second-hand futons, fake plants, and mismatching Ikea furniture. From what we can tell, the gays that live there are a bunch of double-denim-wearing, TKTS-stub-clutching, DEP-gel-using, Instinct-subscribing, chin-pube-sporting, RENT-soundtrack-(still)-singing, triple-finger-snapping members of Dolphin Fitness. Who couldn´t even get their shit together to live in the East Village.

If this is what´s up-and-coming in New York, we might as well be up and going.

Apologies To Towleroad For The Complete Ripoff Post

But as born-and-raised Mainers, we really didn't think Canadians were capable of sarcasm. We thought the pinnacle of their civilization was the day they learned to combine coconut oil and banana hammocks, and drive across the border. But hey, we're all about learning new things...

Their Eyes Were Watching Boys...

Some random Tuesday musings on the gay-gaze:

You know when you stare into the eyes of a cute straight man walking towards you a little too long, and in his head he thinks maybe he is supposed to know you ("cause why else would this person be staring at me so freakishly"), so he does that straight boy head nod thing as he finally passes you? Well this happened to us twice today with a boy in the libes who carries around a motorcycle helmet. It is very embarrassing slash one of the best parts of being a 'mo. It also constantly happens to us with another boy at school, whose profile we found on facebook (obvi) and accidentally had open one time as he walked passed us, so not only did we stare at him uncomfortably, but we had his shirtless pics from Spring Break 2005 in full view on our screen. The worst is when you finally get introduced to these people through some friend or event, and then you have to pretend that you don't know who they are but secretly you both know that some serious stare-stalking has occurred. This one boy has actually caught on that LL and us stare at him in the libes and when we walk by (it really isn't that hard to catch on, trust us - maybe the fact that we look at each other after we pass him and giggle uncontrollably gives it away), and now he gives us both a disapproving nod every time it happens.

Perhaps these people need a seminar to teach them the art of "I know you are staring at me, but I will pretend that I don't see and also pretend that my friend just said something funny because then you will think I am hotter" that gay men have learned to master. We'd be willing to teach this class since, although we are still waiting for an opportunity to practice this move, we have been around numerous times when Bigmouth has spontaneously thrown his head back laughing and touched our shoulder saying "Gosh, FW, that is so funny!" when in fact we had only been complaining about the club soda being flat.

Aren't You So Glad We Didn't Give You A Post Of Things We Are Thankful For on Thanksgiving?

Good. Because we're giving it to you the Monday afterward. We were drunk all day on the actual holiday. We'll make it fast.

Gay Things We Are Thankful For This 2006: The fact that we now have more television characters to represent us than just the queens on the Real World... Men who trim, but do not shave, their pubic hair... The fact that it's been nearly eight years since we have come face to face with a vagina... Our low personal moral threshold... Zara... The low moral threshold of oher gays... The fact that cute sneakers have replaced chunky brown shoes in the gay uniform... The way you can tell whether a boy is gay based on the way his t-shirt sleeve circles his arm... Halle Berry's boyfriend... The fact that we can wear a cute polo to any gay function at any level of formality... Gays who remember to work out muscles below their bellybuttons... We actually mean MUSCLES, you asshats... Who's Viewed Me... Casual sarcasm... You Tube... Dude Tube... Gays who still wear sleeveless tees... How else would we know which ones to avoid? ... Gays with naturally hairless asses... Any combination of Whitney Houston and Junior Vasquez... Hot subletters... Drunk fag hags... Queer animals... Getting cruised on the L train... Fangoria ... Boys who whimper... Fake glasses... The fact that we don't need real ones... Hot cops... Gay Jews... Scary Trannies... Calvin Klein cotton trunks... Ugly gays who overcompensate with humor and Prada... Gaysians who think muscles will actually make them masculine... Neil Patrick Harris and TR Knight... iPod shame... Ribbed For Her Pleasure... Merino crewnecks... The fact that we can again start playing Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" on repeat... Dykefinder.com... Friends' summer homes... The Only Broadway CD You'll Ever Need... The fact that everybody wants a gay at their wedding... One, by U2 and Mary J. Blige... The way the short ones are sometimes the best hung... The fact that no one ever suspects that the gay guy is the one who let rip that nasty fart...

We could go on and on, but we shouldn't forget the best one of all... our faithful faggy readers! May you never actually have anything to do at work!

Related: If You Are Still In The Closet Make Sure You Don't Download Sexy Back and Barbra's Duets...

In our effort to procrastinate even more than we normally do, we have taken to judging people based on their music collection. Whereas in the olden days this involved inviting yourself to a person's holiday party to actually see his CD collection, now we can judge from the comfort of our own seat in the law library. The Itunes "share my library on my local network" option allows us to judge judge judge. Not only can we see the entirety of said person's music library, but we can also see their "Top 25" and "Top Rated" lists. When the boy sitting across from you says he dates girls, it's nice to know your suspicion that he likes c*ck is right when you see "Gotta Get Through This" by Daniel Beddingfield as number one on his Top 25 list.

This activity gave us hours of joy (not to mention that we discovered some amazing Christina Aguilera songs we had never heard before), until we undertook some introspection and realized what we were listening to on a daily basis. When JoJo, a cappella, and songs from the Original Cast Recording of Les Miz are near the top of your recently played list, maybe it's time to go into Itunes hiding and unclick the "share option."

The lesson? We can still judge others without being judged ourselves. By still keeping the "look for shared libraries" option checked, we can laugh out loud at the boy next to us for his extensive electronica collection, knowing that he will never see just how many Dixie Chicks albums we have. We need to write a letter to Friendster about making the "whose viewed me" option more like this. It's the American way.