These Posts Make Our Sex Life Seem More Exciting Than It Is

We’ve just discovered a new website.

It’s a blog that reviews underwear and related accessories like jock straps, spandex, and penises. Warning to our older brother, who is the only straight man who reads this sight – you probably don’t want to click on that link. But it is very illuminating, among other things.

We’ve come face to face with a plethora of new kinds of underwear recently, and we’ve decided that you people need some advice. For example:

On a recent date with a handsome young man who is related to a prominent conservative senator, we were surprised to discover that he wore an orange thong. Like, a banana hammock. Grape sack. Kiwi container. Made of some sort of non-flexible lycra. We were aghast.

After the encounter, instead of calling the boy back, we spent time considering his choice in under-apparel. We decided that aggressive underwear is perhaps NOT your best bet for a first hookup. For example, if you’re a gogo boy (you know who you are), maybe save your performance costume for later in the game. It can be alienating, and even alarming. If you’ve waited for three dates to take your pants off, why blow it by wearing underwear that makes you look like a stripper? And plus, thongs are never flattering on any real person. Not even you, Damon. They’re barely flattering on that guy from the “Tarzan” TV show who models on all the Calvin Klein Underwear boxes.

Don’t pretend you don’t know who we’re talking about.

For a first underwear encounter, it seems like one should try and find a middle ground. We’re not saying give up and go with boxers. There’s room for a little creativity. Some square cut briefs, perhaps? Maybe a boxer brief with a little color? Ain’t nothing wrong with plain old tighty whities, either.

But just like using hand lotion as lube, a using a pair of socks to clean up, or using your teeth in any way - the use of a thong is definitely not a crowd-pleaser.

Can you tell we really have nothing to write about today? This is getting pretty grim.