As we said earlier, this weekend we sent to DC to visit some of our very favorite gays, FHC and LL.
It was a weekend full of tennis, sailing, jogging, and partying – and, of course, the donning of tight shorts to commemorate each activity. We had a spectacular time. We met celebrities, saw many well-decorated townhouses, and were gently rebuffed by a handful of vintage twinks.
We observed the following things about DC gays in their natural habitat (we had to drink and do drugs with them at first, to prove we were non-threatening. Everything scientifically observed, you know):
1) They only have two bars to attend, places called Cobalt and Halo (we went to Halo all three nights we were there), and they hate both of them.
2) They hide their minorities (with the exception of Kevin D, who is allowed to remain exposed because he plays the oboe for the military Ice Capades).
3) As they get older, they lose the ability to carry on spirited dinner conversations. This could be related to prolonged dehydration from hot weather, exercise and drinking. Or the fact that they are concentrating too hard on maintaining their combovers.
4) Kevin D. is like the Kennedy Center – aesthetically pleasing, culturally important, and on most weekend nights, open for memorable performances. His specialty is revivals.
5) Anything or anyone that does not involve the regular use of a polo shirt is called “alternative.”
6) Only one person actually fits that criterion. We forget his name, but he’s clearly not worth knowing anyway.
7) Ben T’s father was on the “Shrinkage” episode of “Seinfeld,” which has set the monkey bar of family success awfully high up.
8) There are a handful of Kevin Bacons, to whom everyone is connected by very small degrees of sexual separation. You know who you are. So do we.
9) This group is not to be confused with the self-appointed “Fab Five,” who are lucky that most people don’t actually know they call themselves that.
10) There is a gay Diner, where everyone goes to judge each other’s carbohydrate intake.
11) JR’s is for old people and closeted Republicans. Chipotle is for everyone.
12) Kevin W. is very popular, if a bit passé, and can be seen at the opening of all of the most important bottles.
13) The nightclub Nation is like McDonalds. They all talk about how they would never go there, so how come so many of them wake up on weekend mornings with their mouths tasting like special sauce?
14) In DC, good things come to those who wait. Bad things come to those with coke problems.
15) Everyone there smokes cigarettes. Also, everyone there knows who has a small penis. Now, so do we.
16) They have better apartments than we do here in New York.
17) They have better taste and can afford more to decorate said apartments than we do here in New York.
18) And yet, they have a collective chip on their shoulders for not living in New York.
Thank you, JH, FH, CB, TB and KD for being such amazing hosts. Everyone come to Manhattan to visit, where the gay bars are plentiful and open late, and the nasty tricks don’t come back to date your best friends!