WHY YOU ARE GAY: Masters of the Universe

Everybody watched “He-Man.” We don’t mean all of your friends, or all suburban kids. We mean every single child in the entire United States. Literally millions of tykes spent the entirety of the early eighties running around shrieking “By the power of Greyskull – I have the power!”

So how come only some of you became gay?

Maybe it was because you had an extra appreciation for He-Man’s lustrous blonde locks, or his chunky eighties bangs. Maybe it was the extremely fey winged sorceress, who you secretly aspired to grow up to become. Or maybe it was because He-Man had a flawless sixpack, fantastic lats, and only wore a loincloth and a chest harness.

Naw. The real reason He-Man made you gay was because he had a twin sister.

While every boy in America was still fighting off Skeletor and Evil-Lyn, that sexy vixen with the smokey wand, you got distracted. There was another hero that drew your attention. She was strong, brave, and she had fantastic blonde extensions. She had that great tiara, and the sword with the big blue gem in it (much better than He-Man’s nearly identical one). She lived in a gorgeous gold tower, unlike that nasty old Castle Grayskull. She was kind, compassionate, and often tried to outsmart her foes rather than bash in their skulls. THAT was the way to fight. Only idiots thought that muscles alone won wars, you thought, remembering all the times your big brother smacked you across the head and you ran away to tell. Real victories came with passion, brains, and a fierce color palette.

She was She-Ra, Princess of Power. And from the first minute you saw her, you were Gay-Boy, Pirate of Ass.