WHY YOU ARE GAY: Red Sonja

Did you ever notice that this movie was always playing at the randomest times when you were little? You probably never saw it from beginning to end, nor did you ever really know what the hell was going on (they have to get that glowing green orb! Or something! A little Asian prince who is always yelling at his assistant Falkon is involved! Aah, earthquake!). But somehow the fantasy elements appealed to your sense of magic and adventure, and the brute force of Sonja (aka “Surreal Life” star Brigitte Nielsen) was exotic and inspiring. Not to mention Dino De Laurentiis’s gifted cinematography and complete disdain for dialogue.

Ok, let’s be honest. You loved “Red Sonja” for the same reason you loved “Conan the Barbarian” – because Arnold was a physical fantasy whose only weakness was an apparent allergy to clothing. Something about the hyper-masculine warrior he played (his name was Kalidor, not that it matters) really got you itching in your special place, before you even knew you had one. It was the same sort of exaggerated testosterone that made you weirdly turned on by the phallically-horned, testicularly-chinned devil from “Legend.”

Honestly, what were you supposed to take away from that movie? Even the super-macho Sonja eventually gave into Kalidor’s pecs. You had no choice but to begin your lifelong yearning to attain that rocky, sun-rubbed body. And if you couldn’t have it for yourself, you could at least try to have sex with someone who does.

Oh look – there you are. Gay.