Wednesday, May 30, 2007

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Return From Witch Mountain.

Does anybody remember this movie? Does EVERYBODY remember this movie?

When you were little, if you saw it, there’s no doubt you loved “Return from Witch Mountain.” You probably rented it, and its prequel “Escape to Witch Mountain,” in those thick white plastic cases from the video store. Or you may have asked your uncle with the two VCRs to copy it for you so your parents wouldn’t have to keep spending the money. At any rate, if you were like us, you were intrigued.

The story was about two mysterious little children, who, like so many of your favorite characters, weren’t like any other kids. They were special. They had a secret fantasy past which made them secretly better than any of the other children around them. Everything about them was a secret. Like you! Except you didn’t know yet what your secret was.

And then came Bette Davis and Christopher Lee, attempting to steal the children and harness their magical powers. Honestly, this was a pair whose combined careers include “All About Eve,” “The Lord of the Rings,” and “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?” Is it any wonder they were a part of one of your formative gay moments? They’d practically been trying to make you gay for their whole lives!

Eh, maybe that’s a stretch. While Jezebel and Lord Saruman may have made sure you stayed gay in your future life, what probably made you gay from this movie was mostly just the shirtless scene with Tony the boy witch, pictured above.

God, you were a shallow little fag, weren’t you.

6 comments:

Bigg said...

In fact, I WAS a shallow little fag... and I loved both of these movies. I actually tracked down the books and read them...
Um, yeah. Shallow. And gay - so, so gay.

kilroy said...

My pal Brad Savage was one of those kidz. He lived to tell the story, has never robbed a 7-11 and is not in rehab. He's a producer at Universal now. No curse followed this film, even with the outrageous connections...culturally speaking, of course.

BEARAYMOND said...

They were both on TV recently and I sat coveting (Yes coveting) Tina's (the girl witch) seemingly magical culotte ensemble that never got dirty despite sleeping in an abandoned building with a gang of young, soon-to-be-homo outcasts.... I had forgotten all about these movies until that day... Sort of like Tina forgetting the origins of her Star box. Ah youth.

Figbash said...

It's Tia. And y'all know that's Paris Hilton's aunt, right? Right.

Zeke said...

i don't think that was a prequel...after all it was "Return from" Still I totally agree, i had forgot that there was a movie with Betty Davis in it that i loved...

Palm Springs Savant said...

Yes! I totally remember this movie and at the tie I was captivated by it! Great trip to the past there, thanks