We Are So, So Sorry.

This may just be the most offensive thing we have ever seen - and we once saw George Michael make out with Amanda Lepore at Plaid.

It's fitting, then, that this video was forwarded to us by the co-worker who supplies "Offensive Jokes From A Co-Worker."

You sort of have to struggle through the first sixty seconds to get to the gay parts. If you make it that far, you are a hardier (and, perhaps, crueler) person than we thought you were.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Return From Witch Mountain.

Does anybody remember this movie? Does EVERYBODY remember this movie?

When you were little, if you saw it, there’s no doubt you loved “Return from Witch Mountain.” You probably rented it, and its prequel “Escape to Witch Mountain,” in those thick white plastic cases from the video store. Or you may have asked your uncle with the two VCRs to copy it for you so your parents wouldn’t have to keep spending the money. At any rate, if you were like us, you were intrigued.

The story was about two mysterious little children, who, like so many of your favorite characters, weren’t like any other kids. They were special. They had a secret fantasy past which made them secretly better than any of the other children around them. Everything about them was a secret. Like you! Except you didn’t know yet what your secret was.

And then came Bette Davis and Christopher Lee, attempting to steal the children and harness their magical powers. Honestly, this was a pair whose combined careers include “All About Eve,” “The Lord of the Rings,” and “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?” Is it any wonder they were a part of one of your formative gay moments? They’d practically been trying to make you gay for their whole lives!

Eh, maybe that’s a stretch. While Jezebel and Lord Saruman may have made sure you stayed gay in your future life, what probably made you gay from this movie was mostly just the shirtless scene with Tony the boy witch, pictured above.

God, you were a shallow little fag, weren’t you.

Does Anybody Know What Kind Of Beer Straight People Drink? Whenever We Order A Stella At A Sports Bar, We Get Looks.

We’re sorry we didn’t blog Friday or yesterday. We meant to, but our travel schedules got in the way. We went up to Maine for the holiday weekend. Going up, our Greyhound bus (please, it’s hard for us to even talk about it) broke down, not once, but TWICE, such that we ended up waiting in the 90 degree heat on the side of the highway in Connecticut for another, random Peter Pan bus to pick us up and drive us, via several unscheduled cities, to Boston. This also involved sitting, for an hour, next to a homeless man drinking a forty. We obviously would have found this adorable, had he not been covered in scabs.

Our big news is that our straight older brother is coming to visit us this weekend, so we now have to start making plans. He’s a very good sport about gaytivities like shopping trips and Slip ‘n’ Slides, but we’re a bit worried about taking him somewhere like Mr. Black after dark. We can just see him getting swarmed by 18-year-old NY students, who will hang onto his arms and legs as he tried to escape, wearing him down eventually until he collapses under their weight, roaring, just before he reaches the door – sort of like the Sandman in Spiderman III.

Anyone have any fun gay/straight weekend suggestions – like packing a picnic basket for a Mets game? Or cruising for chicks on the Christopher Street Pier? Because if we don’t think of something soon, we’re going to end up doing Broadway karaoke at Brother Jimmy’s in Murray Hill, and nobody wants that.

We Are Learning Not To Resent Gay People Who Are Funnier Than We Are.

So last night we went to Creation Nation. If you, like us, are one of the last few gays out of the know on this one, acculturate yourselves promptly. The host of the show, Billy Eichner, is a one man minstrel show – you know, if you replaced all the blackface with buttsex.

The audience was full of comedy writers, agents, people who were second-degree famous, and cabaret stars. Luckily, we had no idea who the hell any of them were. The guest on the show, interviewed by Billy and his co-host Robin Lord, was TR Knight. Poor TR looked like a deer caught in headlights during the whole interview, and barely completed a sentence. But we must say, he was looking quite a bit handsomer than when we saw him last year, at the Upfronts (he had blue hair – we all remember THAT phase of coming out).

Our favorite question was when, after a moment of awkward silence on TR’s part, Billy blurted out: “So what about Sandra Oh made you gay?”

TR had no answer. Ours, of course, would have been: “Mulan II: The Gaysian Invasion.”

And On Tuesday, God Created Beige...

Father: Wow! I just love it here at the Creation Museum, a $27 million, 60,000 square foot museum created by the Answers in Genesis ministry that combines displays of extraordinary nautilus shell fossils and biblical tableaus, celebrations of natural wonders and allusions to human sin!

Mother: I know! Finally the world is being shown as it really is, without the distortions of secularism and natural selection.

Junior: Also, these matching tie-dye shirts are awesome! Great idea Mom!

Young Jimmy: Dinosaurs on the Ark? WTF? What are these people talking about? This whole place is quite unsettling. Also, these shirts are NOT awesome, I can't believe all my friends are going to see this on the Times website.

Daughter: Whatever, at least you can be seen. This chick with the mom jeans and 1999 digicam is totally in my way.

Young Jimmy: Mom jeans? Bitch please, we are wearing matching tie-dye.

Father: Quiet Jimmy! The tie-dye is amazing. Also, the Earth is barely 6,000 years old, dinosaurs were created on the sixth day, and Jesus is the savior who will one day repair the trauma of man’s fall!!!!!!

Mother: Yes Jimmy. If you start accepting evolution or an ancient Earth, moral dissolution is imminent! You can end up like that teenager in that model home over yonder, sitting at his computer, whom we are told is looking at images of nude women.* I can't imagine anything worse.

Young Jimmy: Ummmm, I can.**


*This is not a joke.
**NSFW, obvs.

Why You Are Gay: Toy Soldiers

If you’re like us, the movie “Toy Soldiers” came out when you were just starting your delicate tweenage years. Maybe you were heavy, maybe you had headgear, maybe you had to wear a backbrace because you were misdiagnosed with scholiosis by your gym teacher. For whatever reason, you didn’t fit in. Later, this sense that you were the Best Supporting Actor in the movie of everyone else’s life would translate itself into a biting sense of humor and a throbbing alcohol addiction. But back then, you were just angsty.

Then came “Toy Soldiers.” It was a movie about misfits, the kids who didn’t fit in at prep school and were sent to the uptight Regis School to reform. These freaks and geeks never thought they were worth anything, until the inevitable happened, and a group of terrorists took over their school. Then the kids used their troublemaking skills to fight them off.

The movie made it okay to not fit in – in fact, it made you feel as though being a reject might actually be sort of heroic. And what’s more, there was something else about those boys that you liked. It was hard to put your finger on, but the way they all hung off each other and wrestled, rung a bell somewhere inside of you. Specifically Wil Wheaton, the fey martyr with the perfect floppy hair. Come to think of it, you’d liked him ever since you saw him in “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” And not the way you liked Deanna Troi. What was it about him….?

Oh damn you, Wesley Crusher. You done made us gay.

Somewhere In His Wicked, Miserable Past, There Must Have Been A Moment Of Truth.

We’re going to see “Grey’s Anatomy” T.R. Knight perform at “Creation Nation” tomorrow night at the Zipper Theater. The show will include his gayness as a comedic point. It couldn’t be timelier, as Knight is on the cover of this week’s Pride Issue of the Advocate.

We were going to get into our somewhat conflicted emotions about Knight’s role as a gay icon, but our pals over at Queerty have already dug into the issue and thought it through quite thoroughly. We suggest you head on over there and check out what they have to say.

Meanwhile, has anybody noticed that Phil Spector is looking more and more like Julie Andrews every day??

Not That Being Gay Is The Worst Thing Your Mother Is Going To Learn About You From Google.

So last week we appeared as a guest on a late-night cable news show, along with another queer blogger. At one point, we called him "gay," on national television. This is because we are socially friendly with him, and because in our normal parlance we frequently joke about being a fag (don't know if you've noticed). But the minute we said it, we got worried. We know that our friend is out, among friends and in his online persona. But is television different? His grandmother who doesn't know how the first thing about AOL might watch (or have friends who watch) Fox News with regularity.

It's weird how we draw lines in our own minds about being out. When we first came to college, we decided to wait to tell people. But we arrived on campus with nineteen other kids from our own high school, who had known we were gay there. It didn't take long for that information to spread. We think of this because we recently read the Editor's Letter by Aaron Hicklin in Out Magazine. It defended his decision to put Anderson Cooper and Jodie Foster on the cover without their permission. It seems as though even those two celebrities suffer from the same delusion - that if THEY don't say it, it's somehow still a question.

The truth of the matter is, your mother DOES Google you, as does every relative who shares your last name when they Google themselves. Somebody you know IS watching that television channel, even if it's public access. And somebody's niece always went to college with that guy you blew on Outward Bound. There comes a certain point in most gays' life where they have to assume that everybody knows - and even though you may have been hiding it to save yourself from hurt, it actually feels much better not to worry about it any more.

So, anyway, to the guy we outed on television - sorry. But as we've tried to so aggressively rationalize in this post, we were doing you a favor. Really.

Shockingly, We Are Not The First To Point Out That He-Man Was A Giant Fagatron

The dashing Matt Gaymon pointed us to this Slate article, which includes the following brilliant insights:

It's almost too easy: Prince Adam, He-Man's alter ego, is a ripped Nordic pageboy with blinding teeth and sharply waxed eyebrows who spends lazy afternoons pampering his timid pet cat; he wears lavender stretch pants, furry purple Ugg boots, and a sleeveless pink blouse that clings like saran wrap to his pecs. To become He-Man, Adam harnesses what he calls "fabulous secret powers": His clothes fall off, his voice drops a full octave, his skin turns from vanilla to nut brown, his giant sword starts gushing energy, and he adopts a name so absurdly masculine it's redundant. Next, he typically runs around seizing space-wands with glowing knobs and fabulously straddling giant rockets. He hangs out with people called Fisto and Ram Man, and they all exchange wink-wink nudge-nudge dialogue: "I'd like to hear more about this hooded seed-man of yours!" "I feel the bony finger of Skeletor!" "Your assistance is required on Snake Mountain!"

That article leads to other hilarious ones. Another link we liked was from Bourgeois Nerd earlier this week, which led to a website that explains everything we learned from 80s cartoons. They’re of course missing the Snorks, the loveable, wacky sea creatures who kissed by locking antennae. Which, as everyone knows, is how all gay people first learned about docking.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Masters of the Universe

Everybody watched “He-Man.” We don’t mean all of your friends, or all suburban kids. We mean every single child in the entire United States. Literally millions of tykes spent the entirety of the early eighties running around shrieking “By the power of Greyskull – I have the power!”

So how come only some of you became gay?

Maybe it was because you had an extra appreciation for He-Man’s lustrous blonde locks, or his chunky eighties bangs. Maybe it was the extremely fey winged sorceress, who you secretly aspired to grow up to become. Or maybe it was because He-Man had a flawless sixpack, fantastic lats, and only wore a loincloth and a chest harness.

Naw. The real reason He-Man made you gay was because he had a twin sister.

While every boy in America was still fighting off Skeletor and Evil-Lyn, that sexy vixen with the smokey wand, you got distracted. There was another hero that drew your attention. She was strong, brave, and she had fantastic blonde extensions. She had that great tiara, and the sword with the big blue gem in it (much better than He-Man’s nearly identical one). She lived in a gorgeous gold tower, unlike that nasty old Castle Grayskull. She was kind, compassionate, and often tried to outsmart her foes rather than bash in their skulls. THAT was the way to fight. Only idiots thought that muscles alone won wars, you thought, remembering all the times your big brother smacked you across the head and you ran away to tell. Real victories came with passion, brains, and a fierce color palette.

She was She-Ra, Princess of Power. And from the first minute you saw her, you were Gay-Boy, Pirate of Ass.

Honestly. We Just Don’t Understand How Anybody Could Choose This Lifestyle.

We just spent a bachelor/bachelorette weekend in Block Island, celebrating the impending union of two of our most attractive heterosexual friends. We played croquet on the lawn, we biked through the fields, and we walked on the beach. We cooked together, we ate on cushioned chairs out in the sun, and everybody wore shabby pastel. At night we made pitchers of gin and tonics, played games and even put together a puzzle. Everyone got up early to take advantage of the day, and even cleaning was made easy by the help of many hands.

In short, it was disgusting.

We never got to wear boxcut bathing suits that were just a little too small. We never got to put on sleeveless shirts to show off our guns. Nobody spent an hour on their beach hair. In fact, people got a little sunburned, and nobody judged them! We didn’t get to go to expensive and sweaty clubs until three in the morning. Nobody fucked any twinks in our shower. We never saw a used condom – anywhere. We didn’t drink cheap mixed drinks out of plastic cups at anybody’s nasty pool. Nobody offered us any party drugs, and nobody puked from drinking too much. We didn’t have to share a single bed with someone because our share house had too many guests. And not even one of us went home with a stranger!

Can you IMAGINE? Revolting. We can’t wait for Fire Island.

No Wonder Pocahontas Got Around.

A dear friend that we’ve never met, Frank over at Bourgeois Nerd, has raised a very timely, important question: During the Jamestown Colony’s first year, it was a colony of 100 men and no women. Are we to honestly believe that during that time - which was no doubt full of strife, hunger, and undergarment chafing – that there was no ass fucking?

Come on, people. In all the articles we’ve seen this month, from National Geographic to the Washington Post to the extremely well-publicized TIME cover story, we’ve seen no mention of this obvious conundrum. Frank uncovered but one reference, when an author of a fictionalized account of Pocahontas’ life speaks about his research:

There was one very brief mention in all the primary accounts that I saw of men loving each other. The crew of the ship had their own food supply, while the settlers had theirs. The settlers used theirs up and had to trade with the crew. There’s this one guy among the settlers who says, “We traded whatever we had with the crew for food,” and he gives a list of things: hatchets, beads, copper trinkets, coins, muskets, and the last item on the list was “love.” I just thought that one word was like a little peephole into what must have been a whole host of activities.

Oh! What a delightful little euphemism. “Love!” We’re going to use that from now on. It just sounds much better to say that last year we traded LOVE for the chance to spend a night hanging out with the girls from The Hills.

We can imagine just how it went down 400 years ago:

Settler: Alack, I am so hungry and cold. My shivering is even rattling the buckles on my clogs!
Sailor: Arr. I have grub here to barter.
Settler: Egads! I love bartering. But I am out of glass beads and knickknacks. Won’t thou taketh pity on me?
Sailor: Arr. All right. I’ll accept love in exchange.
Settler: Zounds! Well, I have been lonely. Ooh! Ouch! Pay heed to my neck doily!
Sailor: Yo, ho, ho.
Settler: My heavens. It looks like an ear trumpet!

[short pause, grunts made, other God euphemisms yelped]

Settler: Well, I am warmer now. And fulfilled.
Sailor: Arr. Here’s some mutton.
Settler: Now I’m not so hungry. It smells like a bedpan in here.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Red Sonja

Did you ever notice that this movie was always playing at the randomest times when you were little? You probably never saw it from beginning to end, nor did you ever really know what the hell was going on (they have to get that glowing green orb! Or something! A little Asian prince who is always yelling at his assistant Falkon is involved! Aah, earthquake!). But somehow the fantasy elements appealed to your sense of magic and adventure, and the brute force of Sonja (aka “Surreal Life” star Brigitte Nielsen) was exotic and inspiring. Not to mention Dino De Laurentiis’s gifted cinematography and complete disdain for dialogue.

Ok, let’s be honest. You loved “Red Sonja” for the same reason you loved “Conan the Barbarian” – because Arnold was a physical fantasy whose only weakness was an apparent allergy to clothing. Something about the hyper-masculine warrior he played (his name was Kalidor, not that it matters) really got you itching in your special place, before you even knew you had one. It was the same sort of exaggerated testosterone that made you weirdly turned on by the phallically-horned, testicularly-chinned devil from “Legend.”

Honestly, what were you supposed to take away from that movie? Even the super-macho Sonja eventually gave into Kalidor’s pecs. You had no choice but to begin your lifelong yearning to attain that rocky, sun-rubbed body. And if you couldn’t have it for yourself, you could at least try to have sex with someone who does.

Oh look – there you are. Gay.

It's That Time Again.... For When We Don't Have Time To Blog!

Therefore, we give you another offensive joke from a co-worker. Though, we're not quite sure if this one is funny. Let us know!







Q: What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?

A: An erection!

We Wonder If They Will Ever Make A Documentary About Our Genre of Gays. You Know, Self-Impressed Ones.

Something amazing came in the mail this week - the DVD documentary "Mr. Leather." We did not order it, but rather it was sent as part of a press release. We swear.

On Sunday morning, we sat down with our roommate and some tea to see if it was worth watching. Neither of us are particularly interested in leather (though we have always wondered what the purpose of those chest harnesses is - do they attach to something?) so we didn't expect it to be entertaining.

Boy, were we wrong. The movie follows several contestants from Los Angeles area leather bars as they get ready to compete for the (allegedly) coveted title of Mr. LA Leather. The insights into their lives, romances, and struggles for victory was an peek into a world that we never would have expected would be so... precious.

Some choice lines from the movie:

• On real estate: "I have a sling in my bedroom. I don't have a lot of dungeon space. I have a one-bedroom apartment."
• ON S&M: "People can get fucked up, and then someone winds up dead."
• On lifestyle choices: "We're the stinky couple in Palm Springs."
• On landscape architecture: "We fucked on the rock next to the jacuzzi. I leaned against it."
• On the tough questions of the competition: "You're lassie in an S&M scene. Go!"
  
• On stupid human tricks: "He popped a pool ball out of his ass."
• On ambition (spoken by a doctor): "The anal canal is made to withstand only so much."
• On x-raying gay patients who come in with objects lodged up their ass (spoken by same doctor): "The X-ray showed a little lady in a big hoop skirt. It was a bottle of Aunt Jemima pancake syrup, which he insisted had fallen up there when he was cleaning the counter."
• On the contest itself: "It's sort of like American Idol."
• On one contestant's hobbies: "His interests include flogging, ass play, puppies, fisting, abduction..."

We're sorry, PUPPIES? Man, being gay is so confusing.

Why We Started Eating Again After Last Summer, We'll Never Know.

So summer is coming up, and unlike some of our friends, we didn’t burst out of our mothers’ wombs with a veiny sixpack and buns tight enough to snap off a fragile cock. Yet we have to go to Fire Island, the Hamptons, Rehoboth, and Cape Cod with said friends. This means being surrounded by tiny bathing suits, impeccable waxing, and bodies that don’t even have one sunburned patch where you can see where your fingers were when you tried to reach it with sunblock.

So naturally, we’ve been going to the gym. It’s been going well, but we just have one question: Why do we have a FUPA if we don’t have a PUSSY?

(Actually, we have another question - do you guys bring different socks to the gym every day?)

Anyway, come on, it’s ridiculous. We started out thin and healthy already. We don’t have high expectations – we have no aspirations to look like this, just a rough approximation of this. What does it take to get rid of that little patch of paunch? Relacore? Atkins? That thing that Christie Brinkley and Walker, Texas Ranger want us to buy?

Seriously, we’ll try anything (except not drinking, so don’t even suggest it). But we leave it to you. If you don’t have any suggestions, when we show up in Provincetown muffin-topping over our Vilebrequin, it will be all your fault.

Celebrating 20 Years Of Straight People Bad Dancing.

This is an ACTUAL video from an ACTUAL heterosexual wedding in the UK. We thought it fitting to post it today, as tonight we are going to the movie theater to see "Dirty Dancing" and celebrate its 20th anniversary. Remember when your parents wouldn't watch it, because the dancing was just TOO dirty?

You know you're gay if you watch this video, and rather than feel embarrassment for young Julia and James, all you can think is, "DAMN YOU MARRIAGE INEQUALITY!"

WHY ARE YOU GAY: My So-Called Life

We’re jumping ahead a few years on this one, but no series like this would be complete with the show that helped you make that final great sashay into gayhood. It was perfectly timed just after you went through puberty, it had characters you could understand, and all of your pre-gay friends were also obsessed. Yes, we’re talking about “The Jordan Catalano Show.”

To begin with, it was the first primetime drama for teens to feature a gay character. You didn’t necessarily relate to Ricky and his flamboyant jheri curls, but the fact that he was there, dealing confidently with his issues, was a huge comfort. (Even though even then, you knew the beret and asymmetrical button-downs were a homo no-no.)

Then there was Claire Danes, with her pretty, awkward, somehow-not-quite-fitting-in-ness. Even though she was a willowy teenage girl, you somehow related to the sense of unfulfilled yearning she always felt. Or maybe, because she was a willowy teenage girl. Like you.

And then there was Jordan Catalano. That hair, that skin, those ill-fitting flannels! No one was fetishized by a camera that outrageously until Brandon Routh in “Superman.” When he took over the mic to sing “I Wanna Be Sedated,” oh Lord, all you wanted to do was go to your room and be masturbated.

Every plotline, from quirky, drunk Rayanne Graff’s attempts to be a lead singer, to Brian Krakow’s desperate obsession with Angela, seemed to speak right to you. And then, the school dance came. Gay Ricky and Chubby Delia found themselves alone, rejected by the crowd and their insensitive peers. The song “What is Love” came over the loudspeakers, and they began to dance. Everyone turned to look, and after a few moments, a circle formed. They stared as Ricky and Delia spun like crazy, finally realizing what it meant not to care what other people think. They'd never looked more free.

See? Even thinking about it now makes you more gay.

As Bored And Gay As You May Be...

...you will never be as bored and gay as the people who made this video.


(Thanks to fave Fagats reader David M. for this link to Planet Unicorn episodes 1 and 2. Seriously, watch all the way through. You'll be disoriented, but vaguely comforted. Like that time you deep-throated a fried twinkie on a dare.)