Wednesday, February 22, 2006

It's Too Bad He Isn't Gay, Because We Bet He Has A Really Smooth Asshole

“Desperate Housewives” cutie Jesse Metcalfe has been covered so aggressively by Perez Hilton that we feel we must comment on this. Metcalfe seems obsessed with getting the word out that he is. not. gay.

A Perez spy who saw Metcalfe at LAX nightclub reported: “He was chatting with people here and there but seemed to be standing alone looking awkward, throughout the night so we started to chat with him. Out of the blue, he told me and several friends of mine "could you please tell your people I'm not one of them, I'm not gay". We all looked at each other like, where the hell did that come from?"

OK, Jesse. Let’s go over what this tactic achieves:

1) It makes people wonder if you are gay, when before they were just wondering who does your eyebrows.
2) It ensures that people will think you ARE gay and trying to overcompensate.
3) It makes gay people, who make up a big part of your fan base, think you are a jerk.
4) It alerts women that you are insecure, and which makes you less sexy. And gay.

See, Jesse faces the classic g-list conundrum – is it better that people talk about you being a homophobe? Or that they don’t talk about you at all?

But seriously. Who does do his eyebrows? Because for phony craftsmanship as obvious as that, she should have her Korean citizenship revoked.

4 comments:

Myackie said...

well...golly...I get annoyed when people assume I'm straight. I kind of understand. I a way.

kevin d. said...

but how can i possibly hate him, fagat? is this what you want us to do? hate him??? how can i hate him if he's so beautiful?

Anonymous said...

I would give him a good rooting

Anonymous said...

I would give him a good rooting