We experienced something new for the first time this weekend: surrogate relationship hysteria.
We took a road trip to Maine with four of our very best, closest, truest friends. Scheduled to come on our trip was one long-term boyfriend of a posse member - but shortly before the trip, the two of them broke up.
And the ex came anyway.
We're not sure why one would decide to go on a long weekend road trip with one's recent ex and his four best friends, but there it was.
And something interesting happened: because our friend (LL) and his ex (FHC) were so zen about their breakup (they still "love" each other and "talk" to each other and "respect" each other and even "spoon" each other), the rest of us were driven to insanity.
If LL would go to the bathroom, we'd turn on FHC as a group. "WHY CAN'T YOU GET BACK TOGETHER?!" we'd shriek. "DON'T YOU REALIZE WE'LL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN IF YOU DON'T?!" When FHC would not immediately agree, our hysteria would only deepen. "YOU LOVE EACH OTHER!" we'd wail. "CAN'T WE JUST WORK IT OUT? CAN'T WE JUST TRY HARDER?! JUST TELL US WHAT TO CHANGE AND WE'LL CHANGE IT!!!"
It was very embarrassing. And it only got worse if FHC would step out of the room for a moment. "ll," we'd whisper in hushed tones. "you're never going to do better than fhc. you had better get back together with him or you'll always be alone. aloooooooooonnnnnneeeeeee....."
By the end of the weekend, it had gotten so bad that we would talk openly about it their sex life, as a group. "If you guys don't get back together, you're fucked for the rest of your lives," one of us would serve up over lunch in a diner. "That was the problem in the first place!" another would drive home, making it very awkward for our pre-teen waitress.
There's not really a moral of the story, except for the fact that those of us who are in stable relationships, or are desperately seeking them, don't understand why people who have them can just let them slip away. It's like having a free trainer at David Barton Gym, and deciding you'd rather just go home and smoke a cigarette instead. It boggles the mind.
But whatever, throw away your happiness, see if we care. It's your loss.
Anyway, you'll come crawling back. And when you do, we'll be at the bar.