WHY YOU ARE GAY: Summer Camp

Our dear ex-boyfriend Josh has an amazing first gay experience story, involving a back massage, a camp bunkroom, and short shorts. While we didn’t have our first gay experience at summer camp (though we had MANY later on), we have to admit that the experience was pretty darn homoerotic.

Most all boys summer camps had some sort of wilderness element, and also an emphasis on sports. But as much as soccer, basketball and baseball were popular, so too were odd or strategic games like “Cuckoo on the Buzzard” and “Capture the Flag” and a hundred and one types of relay races. Basically, anyone with hands and feet could excel in at least one type of competition. We recall particularly getting a standing ovation for being the only person to be able to balance a book on our head and walk along a balance beam, at one point.

We remember one summer as a counselor when our unit erupted in scandal when we found an entire tent of nine-year-olds hiding under a blanket, naked together. Innocent childhood fun? Or GAYNESS? (We’ll spare our other ex-boyfriend Ewan by not spilling the details of our own summers of sin at camp together.)

And that’s ignoring the obvious: The enforced mass skinny dipping? The constantly drunk, hypersexual male counselors? The collective disdain for the “sister camp”? The communal showers? The skimpy uniforms? “Shirts and Skins”?? ARTS AND CRAFTS! Oh God, we never had a chance.

Sometimes, The Only Thing Keeping Your Head Bobbing Is The Thought Of That Bloody Mary In The Morning

This weekend we had a classic gay brunch at Paris Commune with sexy subletter Eric S. and reigning Gay To Know, Dylan. Don’t you love those meals, where everybody is hung over, the waiters are hot, and other gays you vaguely know wave at you through the window or stop by your table? And you keep drinking water but you are so dried out you’re like a bottomless pit?

We’d all spent the previous evening with different boys, so there was much gossip, and comparing of notes. And we realized – while we loved living in Spain, they never had brunch, and it was terrible. It may be the gayest thing we’ll ever say, but if there’s no brunch, there might as well not be weekends.

(Okay, maybe not the gayest; we did recently say: “The Stilton Fondue at Artisinal is better than an orgasm.”)

We Really Hope Barack And Edwards Get Behind Gays In The Military. And If They Do, We Hope There Are Pictures.

According to the Advocate, we'll have three or more big gay rights bills on the floor of congress this year - with two more than likely to pass. This is great news, of course:

Wary conservative leaders as well as gay rights advocates share a belief that at least two measures will win approval this year: a hate-crimes bill that would cover offenses motivated by antigay bias, and a measure that would outlaw workplace discrimination based on sexual orientation. Also on the table--although with more doubtful prospects--will be a measure to be introduced Wednesday seeking repeal of the ''don't ask, don't tell'' policy that bars openly gay and lesbian Americans from serving in the military.

This immediately makes us think about the presidential candidates. Of course, none of them will come out strong against the discrimination bill or the hate crimes bill. But the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" measure might cause quite a bit of controversy from the debate podium. How will Hillary, whose husband was pressured into signing the original act, handle it? And will all the candidates, especially the pro-war ones, heed the growing evidence that the policy is unnecessary and potentially even damaging to the military?

Hm. Every time we try to think of a funny yet political closing to this post, we can really only imagine shower time at Bunk 149 during boot camp. We really worry about us.

You Think That Purple Kangaroo Is A Dyke, Too?

When our hot Aussie co-worker forwarded us this story about lesbian koala sex, we thought just the headline was the height of comedy. Until we got to this part:

"On several occasions more than one pair of females shared the same pole, and
multiple females mounted each other simultaneously. At least one multiple
encounter involved five female koalas.

Genius. And wait, there’s more:

"Some females rejected the advances of males that were in their enclosures, only
to become willing participants in homosexual encounters immediately after," say
the researchers.

We hear that. Ever been hit on by a girl at a straight bar? The only way to cleanse that paralyzing terror and awkwardness is to go to a gay dive and hump the nearest thing that has good teeth. Immediately.

So we went to Bank on Saturday night. Don't Tell.

It was one of those nights where you run into half the people you went to college with, that 6'6" guy you used to date, and two closeted kids from your summer camp. Oh, and one or two people you smile and wave at because you think you are acquaintances, only to realize too late that you've just cruised them on Friendster.

It was our first night at a big gay club in a while, and we experienced a phenomenon that we had (thankfully) completely forgotten: Cruise Rage.

You know when you see a guy who is cute, but not too cute to be out of reach? Every gay has a general sense of the top and bottom range of boys that can be reasonably cruised with some hope of success. When you find one in the upper range of that scale, you focus. You keep your eye on him, waiting for the moment he looks back, and you can make eye contact for just enough seconds to make him realize you're interested and worth pursuing. But sometimes, he just won't look back. And you keep looking. You start having difficulty maintaining conversations because you want to make sure you're looking when he happens to turn in your direction. You make sure you are always dancing facing his direction. There may be other boys around looking at you, but you've spent so much time waiting for this one, that you are committed. But he just WON'T LOOK.

And then you realize, 'Wait, is he AVOIDING looking at me?' So you look even harder, to see whether he is purposefully directing his glances elsewhere. He's not that much cuter than you are. Who is he to so blatantly ignore you, when he knows perfectly well that you are standing just nearby in your cute shirt, with your carefully crafted floppy hair, waiting to be noticed?
Should you go up to him and confront him? Who does he think he is?? LOOK THIS WAY!

Ah. Cruise Rage.

Thankfully this never lasts that long. After all, we know we're much smarter and more fun than he is. We can just tell by his outfit. We're a much better catch, and it's his loss. Stupid idiot doesn't even know what he's missing. He's not worth it. We can tell just by looking at him.

Which we are still doing. For the rest of the night.

And I Am Telling You, I'm Not Going ...To Get Work Again

We believe this photo on the right captures the exact moment when Jennifer Hudson, after finishing her Best Supporting Actress Academy Award acceptance speech, ran back to the microphone to thank Jennifer Holliday. It was one memorable moment in an otherwise skullfuckingly boring ceremony. It was a sweet gesture, to be sure, as Holliday originated the role on Broadway, and hasn't been receiving a lot of thanks these days. But we had to wonder at her motives. After all, when an actress wins an award for a role that was once played by another actress, is she obligated to thank her? When Elizabeth Taylor won the Oscar for "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf," did she thank every actor who previously played the role on stage? Or anyone who has ever won an Academy Award for Shakespeare?

We were, needless to say, a little confused. Then we saw these shots of Jennifer Holliday waiting across the street from the Kodak Theater, waiting to beat a bitch's ass, and we completely understood. Thank you, Jennifer Holliday! Thank you so very, very much.

We Can't Wait Til Gay Marriage Is Legal Here Cause Then These Things Would Last for 2 Weeks Instead of Just One...

Not much to report, except that we learned last night at wedding event #21231 that our culture has a custom where the night before the wedding everyone pours coconut oil on the groom and then rips off all his clothes. That, or our family is just super fun.

We especially like when the bride's family kept telling us that we have this to look forward to when we get married. And while we're pretty sure we'll be leaving most traditional ceremonies and customs out of our theoretical wedding, we are most certainly adding this one in somewhere between karaoke night and the post rehearsal dinner bar hop.

Sorry For The Delayed Update From Abroad, But We've Been Busy Shopping at stores like "FabIndia."

Last night at wedding event #19232, the groom to be's twin sister introduced us to a friend of hers from her secondary school, and we noticed a slight smirk on her very, very drunk face. We immediately understood what was going on. "He makes independent films," she giggled as we shook his hand.

Back in the smokers' corner, she asked us what we thought of him. "We're pretty sure he's gay," we responded, "but not 100%. The accent is throwing us off." "But he gave up banking for the movies and theater!" she yelled. "OK," she slurred. "I'll ask him." We thought she was kidding, natch.

We tried to stop her, but she asked him. Point blank. "Do you like boys or girls? My cousin likes boys." We tried to change the subject. He avoided the answer. Then he immediately left the party.

Back in the smokers' corner, she was trying to convince us that this was acceptable behavior. "I've been dying to know since grade school!" she yelled as we tried to get rotis in her stomach to soak up the absolut before the bride's family saw her and called the whole thing off a la Bend It Like Beckham. We did the whole "you can't ask someone who isn't ready" speech, and "it's not about you, it's for him to deal with," but she was having none of it. She has already asked the DJ for event #19234 to play all of Confessions on a Dance Floor to see if he sings along. And then we wondered if this was the same thing as asking someone outright if he's a mo. Maybe he'll stay this time.

Finally, Someone Comes Out Who People In Middle America Trust More Than Jesus.

This makes us happy. Financial guru Suze Orman will come out of the closet in the New York Times Magazine this weekend, apparently. We don't listen to her (we are broke and we don't need the grief, OKAY?) but thousands and thousands of people across America do - and what's more, they trust her and think she is successful.

"Orman says she 'has a relationship with life,' so [Deborah] Solomon presses
her, and Suze then reveals that her 'life partner' is Kathy Travis and, 'We're
going on seven years. I have never been with a man in my whole life. I'm still a
55-year-old virgin.' Orman says they'd like to get married, and both 'have
millions of dollars in our name. It's killing me that upon my death, K.T. is
going to lose 50 percent of everything I have to estate taxes. Or vice versa.'"

Wow, go Suze. And you thought lesbians and savings accounts were only good for comic relief.

Do You Ever Wish Men Could Wear Pearls?

We're attempting to get ready for work while also watching "Legally Blonde." We're not sure we'll have much luck.

In the meantime, here are some adorable blind items for you to think about in the shower over the weekend:

Which recently engaged primetime hunk had better hope his new fiancé doesn't find out about his longterm boyfriend from his homeland? When the star heads back home, he always gets a warm (slightly crooked) welcome.

Which Frat Packer has a secret not even his fellow funnymen know? The headliner has a standing date with the same callboy every time he stays at his favorite swank New York hotel.

Which R&B star had better hope his female fans don't find out about his secret hairdresser boyfriend? The pair have been together since even before the star began his rise.

Which current tabloid goldmine has a same sex secret he doesn't want you to know? He'd do anything to keep it out of of the papers, because it could cost him much more than his image.

Which star of a massively popular primetime comedy would rather you didn't know which way he swings his dingong? He might just be on his way to bigger and brighter things

Which recently gay-married international celeb is already having trouble with the whole "monogamy" thing? Mmm. This isn't so much a blind item as a blanket statement about all famous married gays.

America's Episcopal Clergy Has No Problem With Gay Ministers, Has No Problem With Gay Ministers

This week, the word council of the Anglican Church laid the smackdown on their American contingent, telling them to stop supporting gay unions and appointing gay bishops - or else.

Well, you know what New Yorkers do when somebody tries to push them around: they push back.

New York Bishop Mark Sisk said it was "abundantly clear" that the church leaders "are not happy with the Episcopal Church," which is the American wing of the Anglican church.

But, he said, "I am not in the least prepared to make any concession that strikes at the heart of my conviction that gay and lesbian people are God's beloved children."

Not bad, Episcopalians. This totally almost makes up for all those years you wouldn't let Jews, blacks or Catholics into your country clubs, neighborhoods and prep schools!

WHY YOU ARE GAY: School Ties

Um, if any one single movie is to blame for the fact that you are gay, it’s “School Ties.” What staying power! We still have a crush on Matt Damon. And Chris O’Donnell. Okay, fine. And Brendan Fraser.

The movie is about the sexually charged environment of an elite boarding school, and Fraser’s deep dark secret. He goes through the movie popular, athletic and successful. But the kids around him don’t know that he’s different. That there’s something about him that is unheard of in this buttoned-up, conservative environment. Everything stands to change when, you guessed it, the school finds out that he’s Jewish.

Wait, what? JEWISH? So much for your hopes of consummation of all those sexy, soapy shower scenes.

But the movie had other secret gay aspects: Anthony Rapp, the openly gay RENT star, also appears. Cole Hauser, who has long been rumored to have a “special friendship” with Vin Diesel, does too. And the gayest thing of all, probably, is that it was written by Dick Wolf, the creator of “Law & Order: SVU.”

The tagline of the movie really says it all: “Just Because You’re Accepted Doesn’t Mean You Belong.” Thanks, “School Ties,” for making alienation and isolation seem so nubile and sexy. We’d still be straight if we’d just kept watching “Rudy.”

Just Because We Know There Are Some Of You Who Really Need Something Right Now To Prevent You From Making That First Porn Visit

We first taught you about our dear prep-school-and-college mate Soce the Elemental Wizard back in January 2006, a year and over 100,000 page views ago. He's New York's most famous gay jewish nerd rapper. And now, his videos are on YouTube, and this one, well, this one's for you.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With... Harvard.

We're a couple of days late on this whole Tom Lowe/American Idol fagabaloo, but since it hit the gay blogs last Wednesday, it appears to have gotten much more tangled. Not only is Tom Lowe a former pop recording artist (uh oh), he also used to work with BMG when Simon Cowell was an executive there (yikes), and he once posed nude for a British mag (lol), and he might just be secretly shilling for the Massachusetts Tourism Board (wtf?). AND, he is gay! (OMFuckingG!)

The things that are most immediately apparent to us, as non-Idol fanatics, are these:

1) He's hot.
2) He can sing.
3) He's a marketable talent.

If Simon Cowell is at all involved in trying to give this kid a boost, it's probably because he's realized that what's happening to American Idol is exactly what happened to Britain's Pop Idol. The show began to suck because the country started voting for unmarketable singers, just like in the US now (Taylor Hicks over Chris Daughtry anyone? Reuben over Clay?). So in the UK, they ditched the Pop Idol format and switched to X Factor, where only the judges could decide. That probably wouldn't fly in America, where the voting makes the show #1 nearly every week. So perhaps Cowell has to try it another way. And quite frankly, who can blame him? He's the one who has to deal with the talent after the show.

Important questions. All of which are dwarfed by the elephant in the living room. Nobody has voiced this yet, but we're just going to come out and say it. Someone that hot and charming went to HARVARD?

"CNN needs the hayseeds in the Midwest to keep tuning in. So I'll spring for dinner and let you blow me. How's that? But sign this first."

We love this post on A Socialite Life about Anderson Cooper's first "official" gay date. Fishwatch, have you been cheating on us with another blog??

We'll Be Interviewing At Some Law Firms While We're There Since They'll Probably Take Those Jobs Too Fairly Soon...

We are off to the land of our ancestors tonight for our cousin's monsoon wedding, which we are very excited about. However, our stomach has been anticipating the trip to the third world now for about 48 hours and has acted accordingly. We just went to CVS to pick up some pepto, a gallon of gatorade, and our antibiotics, where we found that our gastroenterologist left us the following note on said antibiotics label:

Take 1 tablet by mouth 3 times a day for 14 days, NO ALCOHOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

(We actually counted the exclamation points, so no exaggeration there). As you can imagine, this news is problematic for a number of reasons. First, we are on a 14 hour non-stop flight tonight, and the thought of not drinking on it is perhaps more painful than the thought of spending 10 of those hours in the bathroom. Second, our uncle required every member of our family in the western hemisphere attending the wedding to pack two bottles of Johnnie Walker Black Label (which are tucked safely between our Saris), so the fact that we cannot enjoy the fruits of our illicit smuggling is especially unnerving. Third, "wedding" and "NO ALCOHOL!!!!!!!!!!!!" are not words/phrases that should ever be uttered together. Fourth, "family event" and "NO ALCOHOL!!!!!!!!!!!!" are not phrases that should ever be mentioned in the same breath or blog post. And finally, "14 days" and "NO ALCOHOL!!!!!!!!!!!!" just don't even belong in the same thought bubble.

We will try our best to observe the Indian gays and their way of life and report on what we find. Fagats reader JR has already tipped us off to some gay parties and persons, but seeing that there are 6 very heteronormative wedding events in the 6 days we are there, it might be difficult to tell our Dadima where we are going in a t-shirt small enough for our 12 year old girl cousin, but we'll do our best. We'll see if "gay night" and "NO ALCOHOL!!!!!!!!!!!!" are oxymora in Mumbai too, though we're pretty sure it's a universal concept.

Porn Star Keeps It Real.

Michael Lucas is being sued by the people who own the rights to the title "La Dolce Vita." The plaintiffs think that Michael's gay porno, of the same name, is "diluting" the good name.

We're not experts on copyright law (Fishwatch?), but this just seems like the kind of publicity building tool that Lucas had in mind when he made the movie in the first place. And you thought people with nine inch penises couldn't be clever.

Our favorite part of this International Herald Tribune story is this:

[Lucas] dismissed the lawsuit's claims that he tried to copy scenes from the classic movie in his own, saying he hired for his films people who are "known for their ability to have sex in front of the camera."

"I'm not hiring them for their ability to act," he said, "that's for sure."

Eh, on second thought, our favorite part of this International Herald Tribune story is that it's IN the International Herald Tribune. WTF?

Happy Belated Valentine's Day!

In light of yesterday's Fishwatch post, here's something that should make you feel better. There is a high probability that this is fake, but if it isn't, it's incredibly cruel/amazing.

Basically, this UNC student found out his girlfriend cheated on him, and plotted revenge. He pretended he had planned something special in the middle of campus for her on V-Day, and brought in the a cappella group the Lorelies to serenade her. Except that they sang "Not Ready To Make Nice," and then he confronted her about cheating on him.

Oh, yeah, and he had invited hundreds of people to come watch. At various points, they all begin chanting "Slut! Slut! Slut!"

Whether or not it's fake, it does touch on some very important gay Valentine's Day themes: bitterness, vengeance, and of course, fierce a cappella.

These Posts Of Ours Are Starting To Get A Bit Depressing, No? Whatever, You Were Feeling This Today Too...

We escaped from the library today to go to the dentist. (Not exactly Bryant Park during Fashion Week, but we'll take what we can get). We happened to be on the subway as high schools got out, and saw hundreds of little people walking around in red, holding flowers and cards and kissing each other. Awwwww.

At the dentist's office, the hottie x-ray technician came out into the waiting room and starting talking to a patient who was a friend of his. They spoke in Hebrew, and, though we grew up on Long Island and our bus was the one that stopped near Hebrew school, AND though our social life peaked at age 13, which means we can recite a lot of haftarah portions, we were unable to understand what they were saying. But we did manage to hear "J-Date" about 16 times. Apparently they had plans tonight. Awwwwww. With girls. Ewwwwww.

We consoled ourselves by noting that we could not possibly have made plans tonight, as our mother gets in to town and we have to entertain her. We've spent days laughing about our mom being our valentine. Laughter through tears is our favorite emotion.

But now even our Mom has ditched us. Something about snow and ice and planes not working. Add to this news that we have a cavity, AND the fact that we were yelled at by the dentist for lying on the "when did you last see a dentist" question, and V-day 2007 might just be the worst one yet.

One February 15th in College, we heard (through our dorm room fire door) a large lesbian say to her friend, "The besht part about Valentinshes Day, ish that the nexsht day, ALL THE CANDY ISH HALF OFF!" This has been our motto ever since. Which makes the cavity news all the more painful.

On the bright side, at least we get to go back in a couple of months for more x-rays. See y'all on J-Date.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: "A Separate Peace"

If you didn’t have to read this book in middle school or high school, you didn’t grow up on the East Coast. We had to read it three times, in eighth, ninth, and tenth grades. You probably read it just as you were going into the phase where you were figuring out what it meant to be a sexual human being. And as you looked to literature, television, and movies for inspiration – there it was.

In an all-boy prep school wonderland, Gene, the book’s protagonist, was just like you. Successful, well-liked, but always overshadowed by a close friend who was always just a little bit faster, stronger, handsomer, and more flashy. Gene didn’t mind, because they were best friends. Or did he? As the book went on you felt his flaws deepen as they revealed themselves. You realized how jealous you actually were of some of your guy friends.

Or was it really jealousy? Or were you just mad that they didn’t return the feelings of adoration you cascaded their way? Gene only hurt Phineas because Phineas refused to recognize that the love between them was real and profound. All Gene ever wanted was for the handsome, popular athlete to love him. Why won’t he love him?! LOVE US!

And then, lo and behold, you turned gay.

In Honor Of Robbie Williams Going To Rehab - AGAIN.

Thank God he doesn't go to that place Ted Haggart goes to.

This Is All Probably Because There Aren't Really That Many Gay People In Hollywood.

This weekend we had the pleasure of seeing "The Little Dog Laughed," the outgoing Broadway show starring the huge talents of Julie White and Johnny Galecki's penis.

The show was basically a vehicle for White, who was hilarious and pitch perfect. The rest of the characters, like Galecki and Tom Everrett Scott and that other girl, were basically movable plot devices. But many of you have probably already seen the show (or not), and already know that. We just thought it was appropriate given this nice AP article about how Hollywood is terrified of openly gay actors, but the rest of America doesn't really give a shart.

[Grey's Anatomy star TR] Knight is an openly gay actor — now. He outed himself to People magazine after co-star Isaiah Washington uttered an anti-gay slur on the set of their ABC series last October. Yet nearly all the attention to the controversy has focused on Washington's transgression. There's been nary a comment about Knight's own love life. Instead, fans are reveling in the sparks flying between his character and Dr. Torres (Sara Ramirez): "I hope she says yes. I really think he loves her!" said a recent posting about the characters' engagement on the show's chat room. "They're such a nice couple!" raved another.

We've always sort of suspected this. Americans, inherently, want to be like Brooke Shields guest starring on "Friends." They want to believe Dr. Drake Remoray really IS in Salem, in a coma. Sure, they like the personal lives of people who cheat, drunk, or show their cooters. But boring old gay people? Did they break up Reese's marriage by sleeping with Ryan? Then who cares?

Granted, it's not like Neil Patrick Harris or TR Knight or Ellen or Rosie are sex symbols like, say, Josh Duhamel or Jeff Corwin, but come on casting agents. Give gays a chance. After all, do you honestly think that straight actor knows how to give head?

We Think The Mary Cheney Ref Really Makes This

So it's not so gay (except the above-mentioned moment), but whoever had the energy for this clearly has a grudging, dykey respect for Madame Secretary...

With Diane Von Furstenberg Involved, You Already Knew This Thing Was Going To Be Pretty Special...

Our former (Bigmouth's current) girl roommate was nice enough to bring us on a v. special VIP tour of the High Line yesterday. For those of you who never noticed, the High Line is that elevated rail line in Chelsea that you looked at when you used to wait on line at the Roxy that will soon be a fabulous public space in the sky, lined by sleek buildings by way famous architects. We trekked on said rail line from 34th street and 11th all the way to Gansevoort street, and got a pretty amazing view of both the City and the incredibly H-O-T co-founder of Friends of the High Line. (Call us!)

Also, any doubts that this park is going to be the gayest thing since the Christopher Street piers were put to rest yesterday, as it became clear that we have already staked our claim. Behold:

Yes, that is an Anderson Cooper billboard ATTACHED to the High Line.


Here, the Rainbow Flag plays the role of wolf urine, marking the territory.


The Anna Nicole Smith Memorial Fountain, erected by the gays.


Gay.


And this may be the gayest thing EVER on earth...
Rainbow disco ball, Anderson Cooper in background.

Phase 1 complete June 2008. Start working out now boys.

FHC, You Will Die.

Hermes finally using a masculine aesthetic in its ads: Hot.

Hermes playing with the homoerotic/self-love bounday: Hotter.



Hermes picking one of your best friends for the campaign: Hottest.

If This Were On The SAT Americans Would Appear Much Less Dumb...

So, this is about 2 years old, but that's just how bored we are today. Researchers at Manchester University worked out a formula to calculate how "beer goggles" affect your vision. Apparently there are more factors than just the open bar from 10-12. Additional factors include the level of light, your own eyesight, the room's smokiness, as well as the distance between you and your future regret.

Here’s the formula boys, make sure to bring your TI-83 to Mr. Blacks tonight.

• An = number of units of alcohol consumed
• S = smokiness of the room (graded from 0-10, where 0 clear air; 10 extremely smoky)
• L = luminance of 'person of interest' (candelas per square metre; typically 1 pitch black; 150 as seen in normal room lighting)
• Vo = Snellen visual acuity (6/6 normal; 6/12 just meets driving standard)
• d = distance from 'person of interest' (metres; 0.5 to 3 metres)

And what does it all mean? (It uses "metres" so we will never be able to really apply this thing).

A formula rating of less than one means no effect. Between one and 50 the person you would normally find unattractive appears less "visually offensive".

Non-appealing people become suddenly attractive between 51 and 100. At more than 100, someone not considered attractive looks like a supermodel.

We wish we knew about this when Mayor Mike instituted the smoking ban. We would NOT have been so supportive.

We Have Already Picked Out The Cats We Are Getting, And Bought A Lifetime Supply of Claritin So They Don't Kill Us.

We've been feeling really good about ourselves the past few weeks, so we were SUPER excited today to open our mailbox and have Time Out New York inform us "WHY YOU'RE SINGLE." For those of you who didn't sign up to get this thing free for two years one hungover Sunday morning, we will lay out the reasons relevant to us, and probably for most of you too.

Why You're Single: (Time Out New York, Issue 593, February 8-14, 2007, $2.99)

1. Because you're desperate.
Their suggestion: Stop trying so hard and join Chelsea Piers to work on your body instead (we can't afford it). They also suggeset networking within your field, and offer the name of a lawyer's association that has events. We bet those are truly a blast.
Our plan: Wait at least four days to message someone back on friendster, and stop updating our profile every 30 minutes.

2. Because you're afraid of commitment.
Their suggestion: When you go on dates, go to events that have an end time so you don't feel trapped.
Our plan: Go on dates.

3. Because you love the sound of your voice.
Their suggestion: Take a class on interviewing techniques, or go to a quiet party.
Our plan: Never talk about college a cappella. Ever again. We mean it.

4. Because you only speak in catchphrases.
Their suggestion: Refuel the reference tank - stop watching The Big Lebowski and Monty Python and head to MOMA to watch film classics.
Our plan: Avoid quoting Kristin from Laguna. And also Tessa and Kyndra since NO ONE watched season 3.

5. Because you only like people who don't like you.
Their suggestion: Embrace your masochistic side by getting flogged up at Paddles S&M Club. (No, really, it says that). Or go to Cuddles Parties, "twice monthly events where pajama-clad adults get together and spoon." (No seriously, that was a direct quote).
Our plan: Avoid S&M Clubs and Cuddles Parties. Also, stop liking boys who don't like us.

6. Because you're secretly gay.
Their suggestion: Go to support groups and start being honest with yourself.
Our plan: Make appointment with Ted Haggard's therapists.

7. Because you work till all hours.
Their suggestion: Go to late night eateries and hit the 24 hour gym.
Our plan: Stop sitting in empty library basement and move to main floor. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

8. Because you're a short and skinny guy.
Their suggestion: Bulk up. Compensate with a great sense of style. Hone your sense of humor. Take dates to dark restaurants and bars.
Our plan: Eat more PB&J. Go shopping. Be funnier. Start going back to The Cock.

and finally, our favorite:

9. Because you blog about everything.
Their suggestion: Go to a blogger reading series at the What You See Is What You Get Talent Show to meet fellow bloggers. Or stop blogging.
Our plan: PEACE OUT SUCKERS! JK JK. We could never do that to the fan(s). Anyone up for this talent show?

Why Don't Any Male Tennis Players Ever Come Out?? No, Billie Doesn't Count.

Another former professional sports player has come out. NBA player John Amaechi is soon to publish a book on his experiences in the League. He is the first basketball player to announce that he is gay, but he follows in the footsteps of a handful of other male and female sports stars.

We're a little bit unsure of how to deal with this new information. On the one hand, we're bored by hearing about how "hard it is in the locker room," and we're not convinced there's anything brave out of trying to get some post-career publicity out of your sexuality. The way these ex-athletes are always presented is a bit like a freak show. If only it wasn't a big scandal, or they could come out with a "so what?" attitude, rather than a "WHERE'S MY BOOK DEAL?" one.

On the other hand, it's tough to come out of the closet, and everything that breaks any kind of stereotype, whether it be about gays or athletes, is good.

It's all very confusing. Much like professional sports in general. Which is why this is officially the longest post we have ever written about them.

Fashion Week Keeps Going, Why Are We Still Eating??

So Heatherette was really awesome last night. As our fashion editor said, "Faggots and trannies and freaks, oh my!" They invited about five hundred too many people, so there was a crowd outside in the cold that they wouldn't even let into the tents. We had to sneak in with our friend Lizzie G., who has a broken foot and didn't have to wait in line.

The boys opened the show with dancers in neon and white under blacklights, who basically whipped the crowd of downtown maniacs into a frenzy. Then the models stomped out, wearing zany, colorful, and sometimes beautiful outfits that no one could ever wear. One male model even strutted out with a naked ass, which was surprisingly unsexy. Baby ballerinas made appearances, our pal Lydia H. appeared as Dorothy, and Amanda L. showed up as Glinda. But our favorite moment of all, of course, was when crazy cat Kimora Lee Simmons closed the show. She looked amazing and suspiciously young.

We stopped by the afterparty at Roseland, where every gay ever was enjoying the open bar and Danity Kane. By every gay, of course, we mean Alan Cumming and Fabian Basabe. The low point of the evening was seeing that gorgeous guy we started dating last year before we left for Spain, because he was on the arm of his new boyfriend. The high point was realizing that said boyfriend had both the hair and conversational skills of a wallaroo.

Then we went home early, cold and alone, and made Ramen. Oh, the fabulous life.

Where We Will Be Tonight. Oh, Let's Be Honest. Many Of You Will Be There, Too.

This video, from last season's Heatherette show, gives you a little taste of the madness that is their design spectacle. Few of their clothes are wearable, and none of them makes it into the big editorial spreads. But ALL of the gays will be there tonight. Walking past the Standing Room waiting section in the tents is like seeing a perp lineup of tricks. ("It was all of them! In the Billiards Room! With the Rope!")

You'll note that Kelis, Lydia Hearst, Paris Hilton, and Nicky Hilton all walked in last season's show. We got an email this morning asking if we "knew any celebs in town who might want to walk in the show," so while we know it will be super fun, as always, we're not super confident that it will be star-studded. But Paris is in town (we know, because we were nearly felled by friendly fire during an ice-throwing battle between her and Brandon Davis last night at Butter) so maybe she will walk.

We hope not, because under those lights, that one wonky eye of her is sure to be luminous and terrifying.

We Bet He Totally Sang "The Downeaster Alexa!"

So we went to the Max Azria show today with our wonderful lady roommate. Somehow we were seated in the front row, next to Amber Tamblyn and a few seats away from Kelly Rowland. The clothes were, in a word, hideous. But possibly the bright shining moment of our Fashion Week came when John Legend came and sat near us. Our lady roommate suggested, nay ordered, that we run over and ask him the question we have always wanted to ask. So just before the lights went down, we did:

Bigmouth: We just have one quick question. How did college a cappella prepare you for stardom?
John Legend: (Pause. Laughter.) Well, I think anything helps where you perform in front of crowds. Also it teaches you how to deal with a group of people with disparate needs, and making it work.
BM: OMG. Thanks.
JL: It was fun at the time, but I would never do it again.

Ooohh! Literally: Snap!

While We're At It, Someone May Want To Look Into Mario Batali's Infamous "Hairy Kumquat" Initiation Ritual.

We hadn't yet heard about this story on sexual harassment against a gay employee at Jean-Georges. But we have to say, we're not surprised. We recently read the book "Heat" by Bill Buford, and are therefore experts on all things oven-related. And let us tell you, in New York's hottest kitchens, there are a lot of serious problems with prejudice and machismo.

It just seems like gays should be the heroes of the restaurant world, rather than the victims. We design your interiors. We spend a lot of high incomes on food. We never bring children into nice restaurants. We are too proud to order the cheapest bottle of wine on the menu. We make the best actor-waiters out there. And we really, really like uniforms.

In the story, we learn about server Joseph Bassani, who was actually forced to simulate sex with a female prostitute in front of his co-workers. The woman "pushed him onto the top of one of the dining room tables, straddled him, and began to gyrate ... within inches of his face."

Okay, a little "fag" here and there, with some light AIDS jokes sprinkled in - that we can handle. But exposing one of us to a naked, gaping vagina? That's war.

We will never go to Jean-Georges again. Take that!

For What It's Worth, We Still Don't Know How To Pronounce The Word "Tulle."

So Fashion Week has continued. So far we've run across Cameron Diaz, Bono, Miss USA, Ashanti and Carmen Electra. Miss USA was the nicest. But that figures, she's a drunk.

Our favorite moment so far, though, was when we were at the Buckler show. The clothes were terrible, but the male models were unbefuckinglievable. The underwear section nearly made us perish.

We were seated in the front row, directly across from Aaron Hicklin, the new editor of Out Magazine. At the end of the show, when all the models walked out together, we watched him closely. As each man walked by, instead of looking at the clothes, Aaron's eyes skipped directly from face to package. As the parade of hotties went by, it continued. Face-package. Face-package. Face-package.

We'd complain - but we're guessing that it's that exact eye that's the only thing that makes Out readable.

This Year At Fashion Week, They Are Handing Out Diet Pills At The Side Entrance. We're Not Even Kidding.

Well, it's Fashion Week time again, and we're posting this from the pink-carpeted Moet & Chandon lounge in the tents. You may think our lives are not hard, but they don't start serving champers until after 7. It's practically unendurable!

We don't get invited to all the fabulous shows, nor do we feel we deserve to be. We're wearing J.Crew, for God's sake. But we have seen some, starting with the Perry Ellis show yesterday. Remember Perry Ellis? You'd go to Macy's in your teen years to shop with your mom, you'd see the Perry Ellis section, the clothes would look cool from afar, and then when you got closer you realized that they were not actually wearable by anyone, even the store mannequins?

That's sort of how the show was. Even the models, hot as they were, didn't quite fit into the drab clothes. But there was one model, Paco (pictured above - though we're not 100% confident that this is his name), who nearly sent us into a cardiac aneurism. We think our fashion editor friend Colin B. said it best: "I could watch Paco walk away from me all day long."

When people say that to us, it's never a compliment.

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Trapper Keepers

Quite frankly, what WASN’T gay about Trapper Keepers? They organized your life. They were colorful and whimsical. They were a lighter load than traditional binders, and they were always slick. And they had VELCRO.

When you were little, didn’t you love your Trapper Keepers just a little bit more than most of the boys? Didn’t you get a prim satisfaction from sliding the plastic rings perfectly back together? Didn’t you love the efficient organization of it all? Your papers didn’t fall out of the folders! This was clearly puckered lip of modernity.

After Trapper Keepers, how could you go back to being sloppy? How could you go back to boring, primary colors?

Damn you, Mead©. You made us gay.