WHY YOU ARE GAY: Summer Camp

Our dear ex-boyfriend Josh has an amazing first gay experience story, involving a back massage, a camp bunkroom, and short shorts. While we didn’t have our first gay experience at summer camp (though we had MANY later on), we have to admit that the experience was pretty darn homoerotic.

Most all boys summer camps had some sort of wilderness element, and also an emphasis on sports. But as much as soccer, basketball and baseball were popular, so too were odd or strategic games like “Cuckoo on the Buzzard” and “Capture the Flag” and a hundred and one types of relay races. Basically, anyone with hands and feet could excel in at least one type of competition. We recall particularly getting a standing ovation for being the only person to be able to balance a book on our head and walk along a balance beam, at one point.

We remember one summer as a counselor when our unit erupted in scandal when we found an entire tent of nine-year-olds hiding under a blanket, naked together. Innocent childhood fun? Or GAYNESS? (We’ll spare our other ex-boyfriend Ewan by not spilling the details of our own summers of sin at camp together.)

And that’s ignoring the obvious: The enforced mass skinny dipping? The constantly drunk, hypersexual male counselors? The collective disdain for the “sister camp”? The communal showers? The skimpy uniforms? “Shirts and Skins”?? ARTS AND CRAFTS! Oh God, we never had a chance.