Wednesday, February 07, 2007

We Have Already Picked Out The Cats We Are Getting, And Bought A Lifetime Supply of Claritin So They Don't Kill Us.

We've been feeling really good about ourselves the past few weeks, so we were SUPER excited today to open our mailbox and have Time Out New York inform us "WHY YOU'RE SINGLE." For those of you who didn't sign up to get this thing free for two years one hungover Sunday morning, we will lay out the reasons relevant to us, and probably for most of you too.

Why You're Single: (Time Out New York, Issue 593, February 8-14, 2007, $2.99)

1. Because you're desperate.
Their suggestion: Stop trying so hard and join Chelsea Piers to work on your body instead (we can't afford it). They also suggeset networking within your field, and offer the name of a lawyer's association that has events. We bet those are truly a blast.
Our plan: Wait at least four days to message someone back on friendster, and stop updating our profile every 30 minutes.

2. Because you're afraid of commitment.
Their suggestion: When you go on dates, go to events that have an end time so you don't feel trapped.
Our plan: Go on dates.

3. Because you love the sound of your voice.
Their suggestion: Take a class on interviewing techniques, or go to a quiet party.
Our plan: Never talk about college a cappella. Ever again. We mean it.

4. Because you only speak in catchphrases.
Their suggestion: Refuel the reference tank - stop watching The Big Lebowski and Monty Python and head to MOMA to watch film classics.
Our plan: Avoid quoting Kristin from Laguna. And also Tessa and Kyndra since NO ONE watched season 3.

5. Because you only like people who don't like you.
Their suggestion: Embrace your masochistic side by getting flogged up at Paddles S&M Club. (No, really, it says that). Or go to Cuddles Parties, "twice monthly events where pajama-clad adults get together and spoon." (No seriously, that was a direct quote).
Our plan: Avoid S&M Clubs and Cuddles Parties. Also, stop liking boys who don't like us.

6. Because you're secretly gay.
Their suggestion: Go to support groups and start being honest with yourself.
Our plan: Make appointment with Ted Haggard's therapists.

7. Because you work till all hours.
Their suggestion: Go to late night eateries and hit the 24 hour gym.
Our plan: Stop sitting in empty library basement and move to main floor. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

8. Because you're a short and skinny guy.

Their suggestion: Bulk up. Compensate with a great sense of style. Hone your sense of humor. Take dates to dark restaurants and bars.
Our plan: Eat more PB&J. Go shopping. Be funnier. Start going back to The Cock.

and finally, our favorite:

9. Because you blog about everything.
Their suggestion: Go to a blogger reading series at the What You See Is What You Get Talent Show to meet fellow bloggers. Or stop blogging.
Our plan: PEACE OUT SUCKERS! JK JK. We could never do that to the fan(s). Anyone up for this talent show?

5 comments:

J Fas said...

Fishwatch, dont forget about our singles apt with a dance studio and a runway

er said...

Apparently no one told you that people with candles have replaced people with cats as the new sad thing.

Frank said...

There's a "pussy" joke in here somewhere, but I just don't feel like finding it.

Zeke said...

omg I was laughing the whole way thru, thanks for the help my "awesome" plan for a valintines date just went up in smoke and I was feeling sorry for myself

Robert said...

brilliant.