Survivor's Jeff Probst Packing Heat, Wide Testicles

This is just what we needed on a hung over Friday. We just got back from checking out the WOW Report's naked pictures of Survivor host Jeff Probst, and boy are our arms tired.

Blogger isn't letting us upload pictures today, for some reason, but that's probably for the best. This isn't really safe for work.

Even Oprah Farts In Elevators

We just got the following email forwarded from our gay friend at the White House:

"I just came back from getting Lucky Charms in the cafeteria and I rode the elevator up with Scooter Libby and Harriet Miers - I must say it was tres awkward."

This reminds us of one of our favorite Simpson quotes, courtesy of Ralph Wiggum:

"Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!"

And Then I DVR'ed An Entire Season of NASCAR!

Our roommate pointed out a funny article in the New York Times today about how DVDs of the complete seasons of popular shows are changing the way we watch television. We can attest to this firsthand, as our boyfriend has already watched whole seasons of Entourage, Lost, Arrested Development, Will and Grace, and The Family Guy since moving to New York last month. We can barely keep up with Desperate Housewives, so we’re planning on spending 80% of our retired life watching complete season DVDs of all of the shows we are missing now.

The other 20%, of course, will be spent swallowing fistfuls of Viagra and being lecherous at clothing optional resorts in Key West. And pooping. We can’t wait!

Our favorite part of the article is here:

A 31-7ear-old lawyer once squeezed five full seasons of "Gilmore Girls" into two months, though he said his most impressive DVD marathon was when a snowstorm caused his office to close and he spent about 22 hours watching the entire first season of "Angel." Such devotion means that every now and then he must decline an invitation to happy hour. He has been known to turn off his cellphone and later claim that it died. His more creative excuses include informing callers that he and his roommate are engaged in a John Madden PlayStation tournament or that they cannot go out because they purchased an "Ultimate Fighting Championship" from pay-per-view. "You make up a reason," Mr. Rivera said, "because you can't say you're not going out on a Thursday night because 'I'm going to see how this 'Gilmore Girls' ends.' "

If the lawyer feels he can’t make a statement like that, perhaps he would feel more comfortable with: “I can’t share a beer with you guys tonight because my mouth will be too full of cock.”

We feel that this gets the message across more efficiently.

I Cut Down Trees, I Skip And Jump, I Like To Press Wildflowers

Maine is really an amazing state. And yes, we’re just saying that because that’s where we’re from.

But the Pine Tree State – the 12th smallest, third poorest, and number one whitest in the union – really is pretty unusual politically. Its two women Republican senators, Olympia Snow and Susan Collins, have a history of progressively voting away from party lines, and the state Green party is one of the country’s most powerful. And right now the state is facing an unusual referendum: whether to repeal anti-discrimination legislation that protects gays.

"Mainers are very tolerant people by and large," said Michael Hein of the Coalition for Marriage, a group opposing the law. "They fear not the persecution of certain groups, but being overburdened by legislation."

This, we think, is very true. In a state that has enough huge problems (poverty, the decline of the lumber industry, closed military bases, shitty ski conditions), Mainer’s don’t want to have to worry about another rule they might be breaking. But we’re very confident that the tolerance of a people will win out. After all, this is a state full of citizens who live in frigid conditions, without professional sports teams, on unfarmable land, and uncomfortably close to Quebec. Not being able to beat up gays is the least of their problems.

And besides, you think they invented the hypothermia drill in Hawaii?


(A hug and a kiss to whoever can identify who that is in the picture, and why it is relevant here)

We Only Molest The Boys Because We Need People To Grow Up And Be Priests, Duh.

A Christian group has sent a congratulations press release to Walgreen’s corporate headquarters after the company decided to be a sponsor of the Gay Games

In an editorial published on Christian news website Agape Press, AFA spokesman Randy Sharp says, “Historical precedent promises that homosexual encounters will take place by the thousands… Walgreens must be salivating at the prospect of the new customers this will create… Someone at Walgreens deserves a huge bonus for the idea to increase sales by helping drive events that result in the need for the company’s drugs.”

No word on whether this was the same group that wrote Hitler the famous 1943 “Thanks For Putting All Of The Jews Into Small Overheated Rooms – That Will Be Sure To Teach Them Tolerance" note.

Did You Know Women Play With Smaller Balls?

In a real show stopping move, WNBA player Sheryl Swoopes has come out of the closet. That makes her the most prominent (non-retired) athlete to ever come out, though sadly we doubt if many are surprised. Swoopes said she was “tired of having to hide my feelings about the person I care about.”

It’s interesting that she uses the same thought that so many of us used when waiting to come out to our family and friends - the whole “I’m waiting until I have someone I care about that I can show to my parents” logic. Also notable that like so many of the rest of us as we came out, she unconsciously falls into using a gender non-specific pronoun, probably because she’s so used to doing it.

We can’t wait for the part when, just like the rest of us, her girlfriend cheats on her with another woman and all of the carefully crafted understanding she’s built with her family crumbles in a mess of rage and confusion, leaving her parents and siblings with the same antiquated stereotypes about the gay lifestyle that they had before.

Okay, maybe that only happened to us. But still, wouldn’t a bitchin’ WNBA lesbo smackdown be awesome?

Thanks to dreamy Andy for finding this story. Call us!

Would You Like Some Hate With That Whine?

The blindness of some heterosexuals toward irony never ceases to stagger us.

In Austin, the Ku Klux Klan has decided to rally against a statewide gay marriage ammendment, upsetting opposition groups who want nothing to do with the controversial sect:

One such person is Pastor Ryan Rush of Bannockburn Baptist Church. Rush said that a group that would come in that is characterized as hateful and bigoted is not welcome in this city. He said he doesn't want the Klan as a partner on any cause.

Nothing? Not even a smirk? Not even a “Isn’t it funny that we’re actually pushing for the same kind of discrimination but we still think we’re different” chortle? We wonder, when the religious protesters are standing shoulder to shoulder with the Klan members, chanting the same slogans and holding the same signs, if THEN, the point will come across. Somehow we doubt it.

Ah… Human comedy. So funny we forgot to laugh.

This Is, After All, How Bush Got Elected

At last, an article in the New York Times that has it all: Gays! Politics! Cocaine! Canadians!

Wait, what?

Yes, it’s true. Canucks do drugs, and not just the ones that are cheaper than in the US. In fact, a potential leader of the Quebec separatist party admitted to doing cocaine AND being gay. And he’s handsome. And he went to Harvard! We’ve probably slept with him.

When André Boisclair’s cocaine use came to light, instead of torpedoing his campaign, it shot him ahead in the polls. We always knew the Quebecois were fruity ski bunnies, but this surprised even us.

But it does explain a lot about Celine Dion.

Nothing Like This Ever Happens At The Boy's Room

Now that Rush & Molloy has outed Adrian Grenier for hanging out at our favorite East Village gay bar Starlight, we’ll admit that we were there that night. It was two weeks ago on a Friday and he rolled in at about 11:30 with the other members of his “Honey Brothers” band. (Grenier's nickname in the band, by the way, is “Fluffer.” He explained recently in New York Magazine that he gained the nickname “because I keep the energy up.” Woah, cowboy).

The bar wasn’t that crowded and nobody seemed to notice the “Entourage” star, particularly the dyke bartender who carded him and then insisted upon keeping his license to keep the tab open. This further proves that lesbians have officially divorced themselves from popular culture, and should not be allowed out of Park Slope. Ever.

We chatted with Adrian and company, and learned they were there because one of the band members (not Adrian) is gay – and is bummed that more men don’t come out to their shows. So listen up, boys, this is a call to everyone. Go see the Honey Brothers!

Many drinks later, we decided it had been really a lovely experience, which we followed up by leaving without our credit card and ID, and going home to throw up on our wall.

Insecurity Loves Company

Teenage gays have fag hags, too, the Washington Post has discovered, and to get to the bottom of this they sent a polling expert to a suburban area in Virginia where 57% of teenagers have a gay or lesbian friend. The article interviews one such gay/girl couple, and stumbles upon some stunning insights:

"I was doing a community theater show," Andy recalls, "and at one of the early rehearsals a girl approached me and asked whether I was gay. I told her that, indeed, I was, and her response was something to the effect of, 'That's so cool. We should go shopping sometime.'"

The Washington Post. Eradicating stereotypes before they begin.

Gay Is The New Ironic

Today the Drudge Report linked to a story in the Palm Beach Post that made us snicker:

"Palm Beach County: 'More Jewish' Than N.Y."

Which reminded us of the headline we've always wanted to write:

"Matt Drudge: 'More Gayish' Than Gawker."

You Stay Classy, San Diego

Washington Blade Managing Editor Kevin Naff finally up and writes what no one has had the guts to write before: gay celebrities should come out. This is a landmark essay, we think, specifically because we know how many celebrities read the Washington Blade.

But that's not all. Naff plows his way into more uncharted territory - naming ACTUAL celebs who MIGHT be gay. Jodie Foster! Sean Hayes! David Dreier! ANDERSON COOPER, PEOPLE! Call mom!

Our favorite part of the article, which should have come in the first paragraph, details a night Naff spent with Fox News anchor Shep Smith:

Smith once chatted me up in a New York City gay piano bar, bought me drinks, and invited me back to his place. When I declined, he asked me to dinner the next night, another invitation I politely refused. We sat at the bar chatting and drinking martinis until 3 a.m., our conversation interrupted only when he paused to belt out the lyrics to whatever showtune was being performed.

Three sentences of pure poetry. We're not saying we know anything, but if any twink wants to politely accept an invitation back to a famous anchor's place, he might want to start politely hanging out at Siberia in the wee hours.

We're just sayin'...

No, I'm No One's Wife - But, Oh, I Love My Life

We've always been interested in queer characters in movies. Whenever Rupert Everett, Sean Hayes, or Kevin Kline comes onto the screen, not only do stereotypes inevitably emerge about gay people, but stereotypes about straight people also pop up. For every musical theater-loving neatnik roommate, there is a beer guzzling, rowdy, messy big brother counterpart.

So naturally we're excited for Catherine Zeta-Jones' new project. The "Chicago" star is working on a film about a gay man who has to come home and take over as coach for his dead father's rugby team.

"He's doing WEST SIDE STORY and has to go back home and get all these fat, drinking, smoking Welsh guys into shape to win the rugby tournament," says Zeta-Jones.

Which is all very well and good. Seeing as the last movie she made with a big bunch of queers won her an Oscar, perhaps this will up her cred.

Certainly, at least, this puts her one step further along in her seemingly determined quest to never be as good as Nicole Kidman.

Gay On Gay On Gay

We only have a minute, so we thought we'd round up this week's best moments in gay meta:

Val Kilmer says it was okay to play gay in "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang": “The movie is so well written. It takes us and the audience to so many places that I thought it would be a great ride.”

Oprah Winfrey feigned interest in gay bars: "This may be me being ignorant, but don't gay people go to gay bars?"

Queen Latifah pretended to like girls at Scores: "She treated me like a friend," said a "buxom, red-headed dancer named Logan."

Thanks guys, once again, for keeping it real.

Living In A Rayon-Blend World

Because we are huge fags Madonna fans, we went out and got confirmation from Her Madgesty's camp that she will indeed be appearing at Roxy in New York on Saturday night - and a few other clubs. She will not be performing, rather, she will be introducing her new tracks with to the city's DJ's.

If I were her I'd watch out. Those trannies are gonna want their clothes back. And those bitches use nails...

"Half The People In This Room Are Mad At Me, And The Other Half Only Like Me Because They Think I Pushed Somebody In Front Of A Bus"

A twink and a dyke were elected prom king and queen at Buffalo Grove High School in Illinois last week. A Chicago NBC affiliate rightly judged that this touching tale is best told in slideshow form:

Were you expecting us to write something funny? No, no, no, silly gooses. This is like when Saturday Night Live spoofs Iron Chef - and it ends up exactly matching the original show. You can't embellish perfection.

Otis Was A Man

Allow us to do a little translation for you of today's Page Six lead item, involving Camryn Manheim, her puppy son, Milo, and male model Jeffrey Brezovar. To summarize, Brezovar donated sperm to Manheim, Manheim used it to make a baby in her belly, and then Out Magazine wanted to write about the whole thing. Manheim initially agrees, then panics, backs out, and a gossip item is born. But in the article, there are some nuances a lay person might miss, so allow us to translate for you:

PAGESIX: Manheim's rep didn't return calls or e-mails.
TRANSLATION: Manheim's rep did return calls, but asked to just be called a source so as to seem more legit.

PAGESIX: "Camryn is a huge supporter of the gay and lesbian community, but she wanted to shield Milo from any unwanted public scrutiny of having a 'Gay Dad,' " said our source.
TRANSLATION: "This kid is already doing blow in the sandbox with Ava Phillipe and Rocco Ritchie. He is not ready for his closeup," said Manheim's rep.

PAGESIX: Manheim was also said to be concerned because of "Jeffrey's relationship with Oprah Winfrey's [openly gay] interior designer Nate Berkus [whose last boyfriend, Fernando Bengoechea, died in the tsunami last year.] Camryn is worried that Jeffrey's higher public profile is going to negatively impact Milo."
TRANSLATION: "Quick, name some famous gays. ANY gays, don't have to be men. Isn't that cute guy from Oprah single? He's kind of cute, but in a tortured way. What were we talking about again?"

But seriously. We want to be friends with Ava Phillipe. Can you give her our number?

You Should See What Happened To The City-Loaned Dishtowel

Spokane Mayor James West might be in trouble for looking at gay websites on a city-loaned laptop while traveling, reports the AP. West is the elected leader of a major US city - so this discovery obviously raises many important questions. For example:

* Will this affect his re-election?
* Would this be newsworthy if they were straight websites?
* What are you, eight? Don't you know you should always delete your cookies?

But the most eye-opening part of the AP story is here:

West is pressing a court fight to prevent release of a second CD, which West's lawyers have said contains offensive material, plus the identities and photos of hundreds to thousands of men whose privacy West wants to protect.

Hundreds to thousands of men who might be compromised, eh? We guess that's understandable. He is a hottie. ...Wait, what's that you say? The man pictured above is actually New Paltz Mayor JASON West? And THIS is Spokane Mayor James West?
And you wonder why every time we leave the east coast, we glue our ass cheeks together...

New York Times Visits Dartmouth, Blacks Out, And Remembers Nothing

We know this post isn't that gay, but it does involve booze, chest thumping and a pair of slippery balls, so we feel that's good enough. If you're the last person to not be emailed the New York Times' front page article on beer pong, go check it out now. It's an amazing article - but there are some minor innaccuracies:

In beer pong, each team stands at the end of a table in front of a triangle of cups partially filled with beer. Players pitch the ball into the other team's cups. When a player sinks the ball, the other team must chug the beer and remove the cup from the table. When a side runs out of cups, it loses.

What they are describing here, is actually beer pong's terrorist cousin, Beirut. Even we know that, and we only drink clear liquors. Still, our favorite part of the article is when a Budweiser spokeswoman has her very own margarita moment:

But Ms. Katz said Bud Pong was not intended for underage drinkers because promotions were held in bars, not on campuses. And it does not promote binge drinking, she said, because official rules call for water to be used, not beer.

Ooooh, right. The official rules. If only someone had told us that the official rules called for vaginas to be used, not assholes, we wouldn't be in this mess!

But Those Bush Twins Sure Are Fag Hags

Radar Online attempted this week to lump together all of the disparate rumors about gays in the Bush administration into one story... about how a story should be written about all of the disparate rumors of gays in the Bush administration. The point of the article, written by blogger/outer John Aravosis, is not that these people are gay - it's that someone should write about whether they are gay or not.

Hrm.

We've heard all of the rumors. People say such naughty things: Secretary of State Condi Rice munches box. RNC National Chairman Ken Mehlman prefers it in the pooper. Harriet Miers slaps backs (we WISH we knew how that worked). Everybody and my mother has heard them. So why, Aravosis cries, are only the bloggers writing about them?

The answer is simple: they're not. Not even cock-mouthed blogger Mike Rogers has outed, convincingly, one of those characters. Because as far as speculation goes, there just isn't sufficient evidence. So far, no woman has admitted sampling Condi's sweet, sweet yellowcake. Not one man confessed to making a unilateral thrust on Mehlman's governing compound.

And so far, no ladies have admitted to fucking Harriet Miers' floppy vag with a veiny strap-on.

But hey, when that happens, will someone send us an email? Fagats@gmail.com. We'll trade you Eve's sex tape.