And There You Were, Thinking That The Liberals Were The Biggest Bottoms Of Them All

We have a lot of faith in Sen. John McCain. In genereal, we love independently-minded Republicans (Leave us alone! We don’t get on YOUR back for sneaking hetero soft-core porn on Cinemax!). But McCain’s agreement to be keynote speaker at conservative crackpot Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University smacks of the kind of far-right pandering we hoped McCain would avoid in anticipation of the 2008 election. This bums us out.

We are very naïve, and we know it. But we couldn’t help but hope that the center would emerge as a force in the upcoming presidential election, to balance out the maniacal right and the hysterical left.

That is, until we were watching a Sean Cody double anal locker room orgy the other day and we realized: the middle never wins.

Why? Because we’re more reasonable. And reason never wins over anger. But even so, you’ll still find us in there, standing in the center, election after election, and here’s why:

1) We just aren’t as aggressive either way. We weren’t particularly in favor of the Iraq invasion, but now that we’re there, we’re not dumb enough to think that pulling out too soon will solve anything.

2) We like trying to bring people together. We know Jack was bad for politics, but also know that a little greasing of the palms helps the world go round.

3) We appreciate that you can always plunge into an issue from at least two different angles. Our nation should obviously welcome outsiders, but only through legal and accepted channels. And you should never cede control of your ports of entry to someone you have reason to mistrust.

But what no one on either extreme side seems to remember is that everything, eventually, meets in the center. Because only those of us there, who are tugged from side to side, truly feel it. In 2008, we realize, the battle royale will likely be waged within the narrow confines of the flexible center. It is the middle - coaxed, polled, and in the end, forced to fit the current prick candidates – that will eventually decide everyone else’s outcome.

And by the time it’s all over, like always, we’ll be left battered and bruised, feeling empty and used… with another Republican president, and buckets of cum all over our face.