On The Flip Side, It Might Be Kind Of Nice To Be Able To Date Brad, Angelina, AND Maddox.

And we’re back.

So we had the chance to ask the "Omnisexual” about what the hell that title means, recently. And he dutifully explained that it does indeed mean that he would date “anything, boys, girls, animals, vegetables…” He went on to explain that for a lot of judgmental gays, that causes problems. Boys, apparently, see this attitude as a half-ass way of trying to explain an underlying confusion about simple homosexuality. “Queers can be very homonormative,” we said sagely, sympathizing with the plight of our date/friend. We are polite and always try to make people feel comfortable.

But then, on the way home, we realized something. WE belong in the category of “judgmental gays.” For us, the idea that you “just love someone for who they are, regardless of gender,” DOES sound like a half ass way of trying to deal with a sexual identity that a person is unwilling to accept.

Say what you will, do what you want, put whatever objects in your various orifices as you see fit – more power to you. But don’t expect people who are comfortable with their (singular) sexual identity to want to date you. We were supposed to stop having sixteen-year-old “crises of self” when we turned seventeen.

We just want to be an old, fat queen with Slavic-adopted twins, living in Brooklyn Heights, with a lawyer husband and a hot English nanny who summers with us on the Vineyard while on break from Smith. Our babies will wear matching short lederhosen, and so will the pool boy.

Call us old fashioned, but whatever happened to traditional family morals?


(Did you notice we switched back to the royal "we" in this post? Coincidence? Irony? Faggotry? You decide.)