This Year, We Resolve To Only Have Promiscuous Sex With Cowboys.

Well, 2005 is almost over. And looking back, it's been quite a year. Since every journalist in America is on vacation now and has phoned in year-end wrap-ups, we'll spare you. Instead, we've come up with some suggested New Year's Resolutions for our people, the gay people:

1. After years of bastardization, take the “I” out of the word “boy.” We’re not all Phillipino rent-a-tents, here.
2. Realize that “Desperate Housewives” has jumped the shark. Start tuning in to “Family Guy” instead. Bree has nothing on Lois.
3. Locate t-shirts with sleeves. Related – finally understand that no one believes we are #9 on any sports team, much less one that is called “The Abercrombie Bears.”
4. Find a sassy overweight black woman on American Idol that we DON’T like.
5. Stop being the go to guy in the office for gossip on “Project Runway” and “America’s Next Top Model.” Related – never, ever mention “Skating with the Stars.”
6. Learn an ass exercise that performs the same function that the kegel does for women. Teach it to those who need it. (You know who you are. This one’s for the team.)
7. Prepare for loss of “Will and Grace” by learning to enjoy one televised sport. This may sound terrifying, but it will not be nearly as bad as trying to watch “Four Kings” instead. (Note – do not pick hockey as your sport. Not only will this fail to make connections with your straight friends because nobody watches hockey, but you will quickly find you prefer the look of basketball, football and baseball uniforms. Also, tennis – the Bel Ami of ESPN - does not count.)
8. Finally learn that lingering eye contact does not foreplay make.
9. Make one lesbian friend. But no more than that.
10. Stop assuming that men in bars with baseball hats are bald underneath. They are, but when you assume it makes an ASS out of U and ME.
11. Figure out what’s so great about getting slapped in the face with an erect penis. Perhaps someone could email Chi Chi about this.
12. Devise a way to get DJs to play Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” year round.
13. Prepare for when people ask us whether we think Tom Cruise is gay. The answer should be an emphatic “No.” He is a freak, and there’s a difference.
14. Stop assuming that Orlando Bloom, Jake Gyllenhaal and Hayden Christensen are gay. U and ME will never tap that ASS.
15. Teach a straight friend how to wear a scarf, even though this will be confusing for us in the wintertime. They deserve to be warm, too.
16. Force our fag hags off the couch and into the dating world. We need that couch for sex.

And finally-

17. Don't forget to fight - even if you live in New York or LA and life is easy for you. Give regularly to the Human Rights Campaign. Read the news. Vote. Have a debate. Come out. Get to know a close-minded person so well that they one day say "I have a gay friend." Do whatever you can.

See you in 2006!

Certain Websites Would Have You Believe Differently, But...

Old gays and young gays don’t communicate well, according to a new study. We agree with this sentiment. Last week we got stoned and went to see “Gay Sex In The 70s.” We had no idea what anybody was talking about.

And there wasn’t enough sex.

But seriously, the report brings up an important issue: How can the older generation of gays who struggled so much pass on their knowledge and wisdom to a group of people who are facing a different set of problems?

Luckily, we don’t deal with important issues. If we were able to communicate with the older generation, we would ask them: Why the mustaches? And all the flannel? And the acid-washed jeans? And honestly, what’s the logic behind letting Bette Midler into a place where you all had sex?

We’re sure they’d have a question or two for us, too. The answers of course, are: Yes, we will let you buy us dinner and pretty things. No, you cannot touch us there.

And maybe, if we’re drunk, we might let you watch.

So Then, For My Birthday Party, Which Was An All-Girls Pool Party, I Was Like, "Janis, I Can't Invite You, Because I Think You're Lesbian."

We’re not saying anybody is gay or anything. But today’s Page Six item about Bryan Singer’s holiday “Mostly Male” pool party made us recall that it’s about the time of the season for Lance Bass’s “Mainly Mo” New Year’s bash. Our favorite "Mean Girls" star, Jonathan Bennett, is expected again this year. If someone at the party has a moment of clarity during an E downroll, can you please send us pictures of the nonsexual naked chickenfights in the pool?

Because, after years and years, White Squall just isn’t doing it for us anymore.

And Here We Were Thinking, Short People Ain't Got No Reason To Live...

We have just made an amazing discovery.

Nowhere Bar, the strange, always empty gay hole-in-the-wall near our apartment, has a special night every Wednesday. It's called Runt Nite. And it's for - wait for it - short gays.

And the appropriately-sized gays who love them.

This news really made our day. We can't stop imagining how every Wednesday, the Oompa Loompas of New York wriggle out of their trundle beds, get off the stepping stool in front of the bathroom sink, pull on their Gap Kids jeans and flock to Nowhere. There, they can drink .99 cent pints (har!), or half pints, which are cheaper (hardy har!), and attempt to grope one another under the barstools with their stubby Simpsonesque fingers. Brilliant.

If you're looking for us tonight, we'll be the ones walking down 14th Street with the bowling balls ...

KKK Rallies To Oppose Gay Marriage

You know you're doing something right when these guys come out against you.

I MEAN...

Like so many undereducated white people in the 90s, all we can say is:

“GO RICKY! GO RICKY!”


(Thanks to JustJared for this)

It's Called A Dance Floor. And Here's What It's For...

Madonna has admitted that when she was young, she used to sneak away from home and go to gay clubs for fun. It helped her realize who she was, and that it was okay to be different.

"I used to tell my dad I was sleeping over at a girlfriend's house - which essentially I was. He'd say, ‘I want to take you dancing to a club.' I had no idea where we were going and he took me to this gay disco in Detroit called Menjos," Femalefirst quoted her, as saying. "It was just amazing - to see all these men dancing with one another. I'd spent my whole life feeling like a freak and an outsider and that nobody understood me and suddenly I felt like it's OK to feel different," she added.

We’re glad we could help, Madonna. Especially since when WE were young, you helped us realize who we were, and that it was okay to be different.


(Sometimes, we are so gay, it burns when we pee.)

Mistletoe Is For Queers.

Merry Christmas!

(If you hadn't guessed, we here at Fagats are members of the Christian Right and refuse to give in to you PCers who insist upon non-denominational December greetings.)

We're blogging from a public library in Wellesley, Massachusetts, so cut us some slack about the lack of posts. We'll be back on Monday, better (and drunker (and singler (and fatter))) than ever. Talk to you then!

(PS - There is no Jesus. Fuck you, Johnny.)

And You Thought 2xist Underwear Was The Only Thing You Had In Common With Osama Bin Laden

When we heard recently that the government was spying on us, we were initially unconcerned. According DMV we live in Maine. According to our voting records, we live in New York. And according to the phone company, we don't exist. We never really gave our fearless leaders the credit to be able to track us down in a pinch. Remember, this is a group of people who think that the world was created in six days, but haven't been able to find a man attached to a dialysis machine in Afghanistan in FOUR YEARS.

But this article made us pause. The government found a gay "Kiss In" protesting "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" worthy of monitoring for terrorists:

"A February protest at NYU was also listed, along with the law school’s LGBT advocacy group OUTlaw, which was classified as “possibly violent” by the Pentagon. A UC-Santa Cruz “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” protest, which included a gay kiss-in, was labelled as a “credible threat” of terrorism."

We have friends in NYU's OUTlaw, and they are the biggest sissies we've ever met. They are to terrorists what Britney Spears is to Bloc Party - things that are not similar.

Bush can rant all he wants about the need for monitoring risky activity, and that would be fine, if his definition of "risky" activity wasn't so broad and, well, retarded. But it is, and now all this spying into our personal lives doesn't seem so sexy anymore. Maybe someone should do something.

We'll start. We're going to stage a "Fuck-In" at our apartment. That'll teach 'em.

We Just Got Off The Bus In Maine And Boy Are Our Wrists Tired

We are on vacation (Hey, giving handjobs for cash in the basement of the Port Authority pays well, but it has a high burnout rate) again, in Maine this time. Since our "modem" up here is actually a dixie cup tied to the end of a piece of yarn, the internet becomes a little more difficult to use.

So we'll try, when we can, to post links to other people saying interesting things. For example, this super-fucked up article in the New York Times about children selling webcam pornography of themselves.

"A six-month investigation by The New York Times into this corner of the Internet found that such sites had emerged largely without attracting the attention of law enforcement or youth protection organizations. "

Looking at kiddie porn for six months?? How come WE never get the good reporting jobs...

BLOG SEES F.O.D.

Well. We are one step closer to being able to die happy.

We met Ian Somerhalder last night at the afterparty for the opening night of his new play “DOG SEES GOD.”

We’ve run across a fair number of celebrities in our day, so we know this is a cliché – but boy is SHORT. We were particularly amused by his posse of pretty boys who not only adoringly watched his every move, but also doled out the evil eye to all of the other men (including us) who were checking Somerhalder out. Ian was wearing a little pageboy hat and was looking very fey.

We would have scanned the room for his “very close friend” David Kalstein, but we didn’t know what he looked like so we just resorted to staring at Ian. He has a very firm handshake, very blue eyes (possibly contacts) and definitely suffers from the Asian Flush.

On another gay note, “Dog Sees God” is based on what happens to the Peanuts characters when they grow up. Schroeder (played by super hot Logan Marshall Green) has a gay fling with Charlie Brown (played by Eddie Kay “Shitbreak” Thomas), and Somerhalder (Pigpen) has a drug-induced threesome with Marcie and Peppermint Pattie.

Which made us wonder – what ever happened to Calvin from “Calvin and Hobbes”?

We’re afraid to ask.

You Say Tom-ay-to, I Say Hate.

Utah State Senator Chris Buttars wants to ban Gay-Straight alliances in Utah schools.

“In my mind, if you are in the chess club, what do you talk about? Chess," Buttars said. "If you are in the dance club, what do you talk about? Dance. If you are in a gay club, what do you talk about? I just don't believe members of sexual orientation clubs should be sanctioned by the public schools — what they are talking about even a part of the public schools. They should not be allowed to have that on school property at all. It's just wrong."

We were completely unsurprised to read this biased article on the topic in the Deseret News, the official Mormon news source. And imagine our lack of shock when we discovered that Buttars himself is a devout Mormon.

If we may indulge in a little reclamatory language, “We don’t have anything against Mormons. Many of our good friends are Mormons. But it should be kept in private - we don’t see why they feel the need to subject us to their alternative lifestyle.”

Here's another gem from the article:

"Equal access does not allow for illegal or immoral activities, (nor) does our Utah law. Would they allow a marijuana club? A tobacco club?” asked Utah Eagle Forum President Gayle Ruzicka.

Ruzicka, unlike Buttars, was not born a Mormon. She converted.

Here we go again: “Being an imbecile is not a genetic trait, as stupid people would have you believe. It is a conscious choice.”

Awesome and Awesomer.

It’s times like these when we shake our fists at the gods and cry: “Why don’t we have a better understanding of html!?”

We have just intercepted an invitation to the FIRST EVER, National Convention Of The Hot Boy Posse!!!

Yes, you read that correctly.

If you don’t know what the Hot Boy Posse is, you’re either a) way behind or b) not an aging prepster and have better things to worry about. Either way, it’s not worth explaining – the name pretty much says it all. But the email is a four page Acrobat guide to a weekend in Los Angeles during which Hot Boys (not just any hot boys, mind you – CAPITALIZED Hot Boys) will gather, copulate, and then awkwardly exchange business cards and bicker over whose ribbon belt is really from J. McLaughlin.

Here are highlights from the email, which we couldn’t figure out how to post in its ab-tastic entirety:

Los Angeles, CA – Jan. 13-16, 2006
YOU are invited to participate in the BIGGEST, the BEST, and the
FIRST ever NATIONWIDE HBP PARTY event in history!!!
What is HBP Weekend?
In our humble (and highly-biased!!!) opinion, few things compare to the
EXCITEMENT and HYPE that fill the air when a group of successful,
attractive gay boys get together. There have been many smaller scale events
in past, but HBP Weekend represents the first ever targeted mass gathering
of gay boys from every major city from COAST TO COAST!!!
Put quite simply, we have NEVER been so EXCITED about one of our
events!!!

TRANSLATION: We think EXTREME PUNCTUATION and CAPITALIZATION will emphasize how tweaked everyone will be all weekend! (!!!)

If you plan to stay at either [designated] hotel, you are encouraged to make your hotel reservation NOW before others catch notice and potentially book up
availability.

TRANSLATION: Let’s try to take over both hotels. In past experience, other hotel guests tend to grow annoyed at all the slippery doorknobs.

Are couples welcome? Couples are welcome and encouraged to attend!!! If for any reason you are dating someone who did not receive an official invitation, please notify us so that he may be extended a formal invitation.

TRANSLATION: If you are dating someone ugly, never fear. There is a reserved petting zoo area.

We’re really, REALLY sorry we couldn’t upload the pictures (or the edited spoof version, which deserves the Pulitzer), but we’ll keep working on it. Email us or post comments with suggestions.

And We're Back!

We’ve been very bad about posting, we realize, but lay off us! We had a migraine today, and not the good kind.

We’ve been hearing from several of our friends that they didn’t like “Brokeback Mountain” as much as we did. This we can accept. But one friend suggested that we wouldn’t like it so much if the cowboys weren’t so pretty, to which we say: “name one Oscar worthy straight romance in recent years where the lead actors weren’t attractive.” And King Kong doesn’t count.

So here’s what we’ve missed in the past couple of days:

This is amazing.

This is not.

This is great news.

This is hot.


(well, not hot in the traditional sense. But what is quite sexy is that our loving co-worker brought us back some Berocca from Australia just in time for the holidays!)

Breaking: Gay Director Likes Handsome Younger Boys

We love Radar Online, but its Fresh Intelligence section has some issues. The writers don’t know how to piece together a gossip item. Their stories sort of ramble on, they don’t organize what’s important and put it on top, and they leave a lot up to speculation.

Take today’s item about gay X-Men director Bryan Singer. Aside from the fact that it’s similar to what we wrote a couple of days ago, it doesn’t really say anything. It hints that MAYBE Bryan Singer wanted Brandon Routh to play Superman because he is so handsome (ya THINK?). It adds that Singer likes to put together “gay movies” with stars like Kevin Spacey, Ian McKellen, Alan Cumming and Hugh Jackman.

We like it when a writer’s Wolverine sex fantasies get ahead of his fear of libel.

The story ends with the interesting internet theory that Routh will come out as a grand publicity stunt just before the movie opens. Summing up, the item says a whole lot of nothing. It’s as if they sat around Bowery Bar on a Tuesday night, shot the shit with a bunch of pomade queens with vertically striped shirts for a couple of hours, then wrote the whole thing down and put it on their website.

If that qualifies as journalism, call us Peter Fucking Jennings.

We Think The Role of Jay McInerney Should Be Played By Michael Lucas

The rights to gay writer Bret Easton Ellis's new horror book "Lunar Park" have been scooped up by a film company looking to make it into a feature. There are many obvious problems with this: The whole point of the book is that it is a fictionalized account of a seemingly real BEE. Does that mean that he has to play himself? Also, much of the book is based on questioning whether the author is hallucinating. How will that translate onto the screen?

And the book was terrible! Why would they want to make that into a movie??

But the most pressing question, we think, is: How dare they start work on a movie version of "Lunar Park" when they haven’t made the movie of "Glamorama"?? We’ve been waiting years to get a visual of that bisexual sex scene!

Ha ha. "Bareback Mountain." Ha.

A moment of seriousness please.

Last night we attended the New York premiere of "Brokeback Mountain." It was a star studded affair - we were in the popcorn line behind Julianne Moore and Sigourney Weaver, we watched Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams' boobs get up close and personal, and we witnessed Chazz Palmentieri cut the food line at the buffet. The event was as gay-studded as anything we've ever been to, and we've been to the Barney’s Warehouse sale. Andy Towle, MTV's John Norris, and representatives from GLAAD and the Point Foundation all made appearances.

But most importantly, the movie was good. Punch-you-in-the-stomach good. We still feel sort of beat up about it. While we wouldn't characterize it as a "gay" movie, it really underlines the fact that there are no good movies with male-male love stories. The way it leaves you feeling at the end makes you realize that you've been missing out on something when you’ve seen every other great romance drama – your whole life, you haven’t been feeling what straight audiences have been feeling.

And that sucks.

The movie isn't perfect, but Ang Lee has some moments exactly right. We think you will really like it. And yes, the sex scenes are hot. No, they're not too short. Yes, you see Heath and Jake's asses. And yes, you will cry.

(And yes, that is our roommate with Anne Hathaway, who we love in the movie and in life)

Does Yeshiva University Have This Same Problem?

We’re confused.

And not about our gender.

Boston College recently ordered its student LGBT club to change the theme of their annual AIDS benefit dance from “A Night In Gay Paris” to something “less gay” in order to fall more in line with the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church.

"Gay students are accepted and welcomed at Boston College, but as a Catholic university we cannot sanction an event that promotes a lifestyle that is in conflict with church teaching and the mission and heritage of Boston College," Boston College spokesman Jack Dunn said.

We don’t understand. Is this the same college whose law professor, Kent Greenfield, organized a multi-university lawsuit against the Department of Defense over the right of the military to recruit on campus? Is it, or is it not, the same school whose venerated law school kicked said recruiters off campus because of the D.o.D.’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy because it goes against their discrimination policies?

And, more importantly, don’t they realize gay-themed parties are a cornerstone of college debauchery? From the Sex.Power.God party at Brown to DKE hazing at UVA, drinking just isn’t the same without a little homoeroticism.

What we really want to know is: What does this mean for the a cappella?? Think of the a cappella…

Uh-huh.

Our boyspy spotted Marc Jacobs’ hooker friend, hefty Louis Vuitton duffle in tow, at the HIV testing center at Callen-Lorde community health center in Chelsea today.

If life is one big joke, we think we’d be really good friends with its writer.

Who Needs Spandex?

When we heard that cutie Ben Foster was drafted to play Angel in third X-Men movie, we were a little flummoxed. Ben is in the exact boycandy mold of Shawn Ashmore, who plays Iceman. But unlike the series’ original (gay) director Bryan Singer, X-3 director Brett Rattner’s taste runs more toward Amazonian black superathletes than fey little fresh-faced cubs. Angel from the comic books was older than Foster – so we were surprised by this casting move. We know what Shawn Ashmore had to do to get his role – but what did Foster bring to the table?

Then again, what do we care? Judging by these photos in USA today, Ben suffers from that age-old comic-book hero malady: he is allergic to shirts.

See you at the theaters!

New Young Ownership, Same Old Cumstains

We don’t have much time to blog today, but we wanted to tell you about a new bar that just opened up in the East Village. It’s called Eastern Bloc (and yes, the décor involves lots of sickles and red fists. Foresight?) . It’s located in the old Wonderbar space on 6th Street between Aves A and B. Wonderbar was the first gay bar we ever visited (we were 18) so last night’s opening party was full of memories.

The crowd was a mix of older, bearded muscle types and younger, cleancut gayuppies – so we’re interested to see how it evolves over time. We were pleased to see and say hello to Dylan P., David M., Chris M., Warren S., Jim S., Eric B., and our old roommate Joshua whose last initial we don’t remember (or perhaps never knew).

We were having a lovely time, until the moment when a handsome gay pornstar wearing a big gold cross grabbed us and said “Are you really wearing pleated pants at a gay bar?”

Then we fled home in shame.

Look Who's Talking, Too.

Today's blind item in Cindy Adams' column in the Post caught our attention. Think you know who it is?

"Famous actor, genteelly hitting on his male masseur at a West Coast resort hotel, wanted a treatment up in his room. The star's bodyguard promised, "you'll be well taken care of." The masseur is straight. Just as genteel as the star, he genteelly declined…"

Please put suggestions for who you think the famous actor is in the comment section. If your guesses include names other than John Travolta, don’t bother.

Last One To Chug Has To Clean The Hot Tubs After Gay Ski Week.

This made us chuckle:

For the first time ever Telluride guests will be offered the chance to track their mountain experience with the help of a GPS ski tracking service at this year’s Telluride Gay Ski Week, February 26 - March 5, 2006.Skiers, who participate in the program, will receive an armband that is worn throughout the day to gather data on their skiing activities. At the end of each day, data is downloaded from the armband after which each skier is presented with a detailed souvenir map that reflects and tracks their number of runs, vertical feet, speed, calories burned, distance traveled; time skied, & terrain difficulty. The cost to participate is $35 daily.

That has got to be the gayest thing we’ve ever read. And we own a copy of “The Swimming Pool Library.”

"This is really an exciting addition to Telluride Gay Ski Week experience this year," said Tracee Hennigar, Special Events Manager for the Town of Mountain Village. "Both the die-hard and casual skier can capture an actual record of their daily skiing experience. Now you can show proof to your friends and family that you did ski a double diamond."

We understand the need for this. We know if we don’t come up with proof, our friends and family just assume we were doling out over-the-snowpant-handjobs to our Ski Bunny instructors in the Apres Ski Lounge.

Which we were.

We Suspect Charlize Theron Was Behind All Of This.

Well.

South Africa’s highest court has finally ruled that banning gay marriages is unconstitutional. This will pave the way for full homosexual marriage rights within a year, according to reports.

Yes, you read that correctly. SOUTH AFRICA. This is a country whose President, Thabo Mbeki, thinks that AIDS is caused by poverty and not by HIV. And they are ahead of us on the curve for equal rights.

The government hasn’t commented, but we’re suspicious that Mbeki will take this as a chance to look like a champion for civil rights. After all, only Spain, Canada, the Netherlands and Belgium (no, the last two are not the same country) allow gay marriage so far.

This is totally like the part in “Wicked” when Galinda gets to look good by helping the crippled girl, even though she was just being selfish.

We expect this situation to end similarly.