FAG HAG FRIDAY: Mermaids Edition

After a few weeks hiatus, we welcome you back to Fag Hag Friday. This week's edition is brought to you by one of our longest running galpals (she knew freshman year that we were fucking the upperclassman in our Spanish class before most people even knew we were gay). She's just been cast as a slutty sea creature in a show this weekend, so she's had a long week:

As I stood in line with the small Jewish children (Gooooo Purim!) at the costume store today with a red wig and seashell bra in hand (Goooo me!), I got to thinking about mermaids. And then I got to thinking about bathtubs. And then I got to thinking about the Shoop Shoop song (not the Salt N Pepa variety) and Cher, natch.

I reserve thinking for things that are fantastically irrelevant to my life.

Anyhootch, one of my favorite gays and I were recently discussing ways to commit gay "date suicide".

May I please have a definition? To knowingly and deliberate kill the date one is currently on.
Could you please use it in a sentence? When Steven found out that Damian wore thong underwear, he mentioned the cold sore he'd had the day before in a heroic act of gay date suicide.
Are there any alternate pronunciations? Only if you're FHC.

I figure this blog is the best place to come up with a comprehensive and easy to access list of ways to commit gay date suicide. Here are some great nominees thus far:
"I just picked up a great pair of jeans at Sears."
"Is this Dreamgirls a drag bar? Never heard of it."
"Huh. You find that funny?....I don't know, I just don't "get" the Golden Girls."
"I'm sorry, what's this Gawker you keep talking about?"
"I don't know where I got this shirt. Why?"
"Well, technically I'm bisexual..."

I'm no longer sixteen, and life isn't an episode of Sex and the City, so the first-date-emergency phone call from a friend doesn't work ("He brought her carnations!"). Life's too short to date the guy with flipper hands... my advice? Don't wait 'till he's telling you he's not going. Be proactive: take your kamikaze and then be your kamikaze. Fagichiwa!