WHY YOU ARE GAY: The Land Of Make Believe

Now, everyone in America watched Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, didn’t they? Most kids had different favorite parts. Some liked the fun videos, like the one that explained how to make orange crayons. Some liked the parts when Mr. Rogers did household chores, like feed the fish. Others liked just the parts where he was chatting with the camera. We used to really relate to the part where he’d smoothly but prissily put on his bright zip up cardigans. What a fagatron.

But no doubt the gayest part of the show was the Land of Make Believe. Do you remember it? When the little trolley would leave his living room and go through the tunnel to the wonderful land of puppets and people? Admit it, when you were little, you had your own land of make believe, where you could escape from bullies, big brothers, and moms who didn’t understand the importance of sharing pearls.

Man, was the Land of Make Believe queer. Until Xerxes in “300,” fussy King Friday was the reigning queen of camp. “Butt Spelunker, I presume?”

You probably related most to Daniel Striped Tiger. He was a just little bit shy and withdrawn, like you, but he was also the wisest little boy in the Land of Make Believe. His voice was high pitched and fey, but his gestures gentle. When he had something to say – people really listened. Isn’t that all you wanted when you were young? For people to listen and understand you? To be young and cuddly forever? To live in a clock?

And Lady Elaine, the curator of the Museum-Go-Round? The sparks of faggotry burning inside each of us were fanned by her prickly campiness. If any of you young drag queens have anyone to blame for your misinterpretation of the eyebrow, it’s Lady Elaine. Those pursed lips! The perpetual bossiness! The overuse of rouge!

In the movie of her life, she’d clearly be played by Glen Close with a hand up her ass. And what could be gayer than that?