Friday, March 09, 2007

WHY YOU ARE GAY: Skip It

There are many toys that you wanted as a child. You would see them on television, and immediately begin begging your parents to run to Toys 'R' Us. And sometimes, they would. Examples include Fireball Island, Lite Brite, Go Bots, Crocodile Mile, Teddy Ruxpin, Super Soakers and My Buddy.

Then there were the toys that you begged your parents for that didn't make them get in the car and go to the mall. Instead, they did that thing where they put their hand on their forehead and rocked back and forth. Examples of these toys include Easy Bake Oven, Baby Uh Oh, Polly Pocket, Brooke Shields Barbie, My Little Pony, Treasure Trolls and Kid Sister.

At that time, your parents were probably mostly just worried at what other parents would think about you and your girl toys. They had no idea that even then, this burning need for toys that were not only fun to play with, but also ordered an otherwise crazy domestic world, came from the same desire that would eventually lead us to getting fucked in the ass by nameless men on 500-thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets.

But even your pre-tolerance parents knew there was something gay about Skip It, and that it was a toy to be feared. Who wanted to see their child faggily frolicking with the device? Especially in front of bullies, or other types of human beings?

Your parents probably didn't buy you Skip It, but that didn't prevent you from finding it at friends' houses, or in the mystery box on the playground. And when you did, oh joy! How you skipped! You skipped and skipped! You didn't stop skipping until one day, you gaily skipped all the way to gaytown.

Oh, hell.

7 comments:

LL said...

I'd like to add Teddy Ruxpin to the list of toys that made me gay.

Anonymous said...

You are so adorable. I hope your parents realize how lucky they are.

I also hope they don't read this blog so much...

Aatom said...

"They had no idea that even then, this burning need for toys that were not only fun to play with, but also ordered an otherwise crazy domestic world, came from the same desire that would eventually lead us to getting fucked in the ass by nameless men on 500-thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets."

I hope you're working on a book deal, because I could get lost in sentences like this...

t.todd said...

holy shit, bigmouth, babycakes, you are phucking brilliant and I phucking l.o.v.e. sitting up in bed on a sunny san francisco saturday morning, nina simone on the stereo and Fagats on the laptop. add a mimosa and it is THE perfect gay morning.
Seriously. am officially crushing on you. never met you. hell, never even seen you. but crushing nonetheless. hard.
rock on with your skip-it grrrrly toys, brother. rock on.

Titus said...

Classic. I'd like to add to the mix: any stick (w/ or w/o shiny ribbon coming out of one or both ends), purchased at Toys r Us or yanked from a tree, that could be used to twirl, throw up in the air and catch or pick up from the ground whilst doing gymnastics in the backyard, all while pretending you're the lucky bitch that leads the Tournament of Roses or small town Main St. parade. And you knew, even back then in your big gay heart that the trajic, heavy girl on the tv, dropping her sad baton every 40 feet, with her leotard creeping into their fore AND aft cameltoe would one day be married to some loser in a tract home in Fresno, while your fierce gay ass would be moisturized, toned, living in an overpriced loft in a cosmopolitan city, living the life that only the 'few' men bold enough as us dare to live. Wrk.

Bald Knob said...

This is one of the all-time greats- save it. "you didn't stop skipping, until one day, you gaily skipped all the way to gaytown.

Toby said...

I didn't think Skip It was that gay! I had a blue one, designed for boys. However, I used to steal my female friend's Barbie dolls, undress them, and brush their hair.