Survivor's Jeff Probst Packing Heat, Wide Testicles

This is just what we needed on a hung over Friday. We just got back from checking out the WOW Report's naked pictures of Survivor host Jeff Probst, and boy are our arms tired.

Blogger isn't letting us upload pictures today, for some reason, but that's probably for the best. This isn't really safe for work.

Even Oprah Farts In Elevators

We just got the following email forwarded from our gay friend at the White House:

"I just came back from getting Lucky Charms in the cafeteria and I rode the elevator up with Scooter Libby and Harriet Miers - I must say it was tres awkward."

This reminds us of one of our favorite Simpson quotes, courtesy of Ralph Wiggum:

"Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!"

And Then I DVR'ed An Entire Season of NASCAR!

Our roommate pointed out a funny article in the New York Times today about how DVDs of the complete seasons of popular shows are changing the way we watch television. We can attest to this firsthand, as our boyfriend has already watched whole seasons of Entourage, Lost, Arrested Development, Will and Grace, and The Family Guy since moving to New York last month. We can barely keep up with Desperate Housewives, so we’re planning on spending 80% of our retired life watching complete season DVDs of all of the shows we are missing now.

The other 20%, of course, will be spent swallowing fistfuls of Viagra and being lecherous at clothing optional resorts in Key West. And pooping. We can’t wait!

Our favorite part of the article is here:

A 31-7ear-old lawyer once squeezed five full seasons of "Gilmore Girls" into two months, though he said his most impressive DVD marathon was when a snowstorm caused his office to close and he spent about 22 hours watching the entire first season of "Angel." Such devotion means that every now and then he must decline an invitation to happy hour. He has been known to turn off his cellphone and later claim that it died. His more creative excuses include informing callers that he and his roommate are engaged in a John Madden PlayStation tournament or that they cannot go out because they purchased an "Ultimate Fighting Championship" from pay-per-view. "You make up a reason," Mr. Rivera said, "because you can't say you're not going out on a Thursday night because 'I'm going to see how this 'Gilmore Girls' ends.' "

If the lawyer feels he can’t make a statement like that, perhaps he would feel more comfortable with: “I can’t share a beer with you guys tonight because my mouth will be too full of cock.”

We feel that this gets the message across more efficiently.

I Cut Down Trees, I Skip And Jump, I Like To Press Wildflowers

Maine is really an amazing state. And yes, we’re just saying that because that’s where we’re from.

But the Pine Tree State – the 12th smallest, third poorest, and number one whitest in the union – really is pretty unusual politically. Its two women Republican senators, Olympia Snow and Susan Collins, have a history of progressively voting away from party lines, and the state Green party is one of the country’s most powerful. And right now the state is facing an unusual referendum: whether to repeal anti-discrimination legislation that protects gays.

"Mainers are very tolerant people by and large," said Michael Hein of the Coalition for Marriage, a group opposing the law. "They fear not the persecution of certain groups, but being overburdened by legislation."

This, we think, is very true. In a state that has enough huge problems (poverty, the decline of the lumber industry, closed military bases, shitty ski conditions), Mainer’s don’t want to have to worry about another rule they might be breaking. But we’re very confident that the tolerance of a people will win out. After all, this is a state full of citizens who live in frigid conditions, without professional sports teams, on unfarmable land, and uncomfortably close to Quebec. Not being able to beat up gays is the least of their problems.

And besides, you think they invented the hypothermia drill in Hawaii?


(A hug and a kiss to whoever can identify who that is in the picture, and why it is relevant here)

We Only Molest The Boys Because We Need People To Grow Up And Be Priests, Duh.

A Christian group has sent a congratulations press release to Walgreen’s corporate headquarters after the company decided to be a sponsor of the Gay Games

In an editorial published on Christian news website Agape Press, AFA spokesman Randy Sharp says, “Historical precedent promises that homosexual encounters will take place by the thousands… Walgreens must be salivating at the prospect of the new customers this will create… Someone at Walgreens deserves a huge bonus for the idea to increase sales by helping drive events that result in the need for the company’s drugs.”

No word on whether this was the same group that wrote Hitler the famous 1943 “Thanks For Putting All Of The Jews Into Small Overheated Rooms – That Will Be Sure To Teach Them Tolerance" note.

Did You Know Women Play With Smaller Balls?

In a real show stopping move, WNBA player Sheryl Swoopes has come out of the closet. That makes her the most prominent (non-retired) athlete to ever come out, though sadly we doubt if many are surprised. Swoopes said she was “tired of having to hide my feelings about the person I care about.”

It’s interesting that she uses the same thought that so many of us used when waiting to come out to our family and friends - the whole “I’m waiting until I have someone I care about that I can show to my parents” logic. Also notable that like so many of the rest of us as we came out, she unconsciously falls into using a gender non-specific pronoun, probably because she’s so used to doing it.

We can’t wait for the part when, just like the rest of us, her girlfriend cheats on her with another woman and all of the carefully crafted understanding she’s built with her family crumbles in a mess of rage and confusion, leaving her parents and siblings with the same antiquated stereotypes about the gay lifestyle that they had before.

Okay, maybe that only happened to us. But still, wouldn’t a bitchin’ WNBA lesbo smackdown be awesome?

Thanks to dreamy Andy for finding this story. Call us!

Would You Like Some Hate With That Whine?

The blindness of some heterosexuals toward irony never ceases to stagger us.

In Austin, the Ku Klux Klan has decided to rally against a statewide gay marriage ammendment, upsetting opposition groups who want nothing to do with the controversial sect:

One such person is Pastor Ryan Rush of Bannockburn Baptist Church. Rush said that a group that would come in that is characterized as hateful and bigoted is not welcome in this city. He said he doesn't want the Klan as a partner on any cause.

Nothing? Not even a smirk? Not even a “Isn’t it funny that we’re actually pushing for the same kind of discrimination but we still think we’re different” chortle? We wonder, when the religious protesters are standing shoulder to shoulder with the Klan members, chanting the same slogans and holding the same signs, if THEN, the point will come across. Somehow we doubt it.

Ah… Human comedy. So funny we forgot to laugh.

This Is, After All, How Bush Got Elected

At last, an article in the New York Times that has it all: Gays! Politics! Cocaine! Canadians!

Wait, what?

Yes, it’s true. Canucks do drugs, and not just the ones that are cheaper than in the US. In fact, a potential leader of the Quebec separatist party admitted to doing cocaine AND being gay. And he’s handsome. And he went to Harvard! We’ve probably slept with him.

When André Boisclair’s cocaine use came to light, instead of torpedoing his campaign, it shot him ahead in the polls. We always knew the Quebecois were fruity ski bunnies, but this surprised even us.

But it does explain a lot about Celine Dion.

Nothing Like This Ever Happens At The Boy's Room

Now that Rush & Molloy has outed Adrian Grenier for hanging out at our favorite East Village gay bar Starlight, we’ll admit that we were there that night. It was two weeks ago on a Friday and he rolled in at about 11:30 with the other members of his “Honey Brothers” band. (Grenier's nickname in the band, by the way, is “Fluffer.” He explained recently in New York Magazine that he gained the nickname “because I keep the energy up.” Woah, cowboy).

The bar wasn’t that crowded and nobody seemed to notice the “Entourage” star, particularly the dyke bartender who carded him and then insisted upon keeping his license to keep the tab open. This further proves that lesbians have officially divorced themselves from popular culture, and should not be allowed out of Park Slope. Ever.

We chatted with Adrian and company, and learned they were there because one of the band members (not Adrian) is gay – and is bummed that more men don’t come out to their shows. So listen up, boys, this is a call to everyone. Go see the Honey Brothers!

Many drinks later, we decided it had been really a lovely experience, which we followed up by leaving without our credit card and ID, and going home to throw up on our wall.

Insecurity Loves Company

Teenage gays have fag hags, too, the Washington Post has discovered, and to get to the bottom of this they sent a polling expert to a suburban area in Virginia where 57% of teenagers have a gay or lesbian friend. The article interviews one such gay/girl couple, and stumbles upon some stunning insights:

"I was doing a community theater show," Andy recalls, "and at one of the early rehearsals a girl approached me and asked whether I was gay. I told her that, indeed, I was, and her response was something to the effect of, 'That's so cool. We should go shopping sometime.'"

The Washington Post. Eradicating stereotypes before they begin.

Gay Is The New Ironic

Today the Drudge Report linked to a story in the Palm Beach Post that made us snicker:

"Palm Beach County: 'More Jewish' Than N.Y."

Which reminded us of the headline we've always wanted to write:

"Matt Drudge: 'More Gayish' Than Gawker."

You Stay Classy, San Diego

Washington Blade Managing Editor Kevin Naff finally up and writes what no one has had the guts to write before: gay celebrities should come out. This is a landmark essay, we think, specifically because we know how many celebrities read the Washington Blade.

But that's not all. Naff plows his way into more uncharted territory - naming ACTUAL celebs who MIGHT be gay. Jodie Foster! Sean Hayes! David Dreier! ANDERSON COOPER, PEOPLE! Call mom!

Our favorite part of the article, which should have come in the first paragraph, details a night Naff spent with Fox News anchor Shep Smith:

Smith once chatted me up in a New York City gay piano bar, bought me drinks, and invited me back to his place. When I declined, he asked me to dinner the next night, another invitation I politely refused. We sat at the bar chatting and drinking martinis until 3 a.m., our conversation interrupted only when he paused to belt out the lyrics to whatever showtune was being performed.

Three sentences of pure poetry. We're not saying we know anything, but if any twink wants to politely accept an invitation back to a famous anchor's place, he might want to start politely hanging out at Siberia in the wee hours.

We're just sayin'...

No, I'm No One's Wife - But, Oh, I Love My Life

We've always been interested in queer characters in movies. Whenever Rupert Everett, Sean Hayes, or Kevin Kline comes onto the screen, not only do stereotypes inevitably emerge about gay people, but stereotypes about straight people also pop up. For every musical theater-loving neatnik roommate, there is a beer guzzling, rowdy, messy big brother counterpart.

So naturally we're excited for Catherine Zeta-Jones' new project. The "Chicago" star is working on a film about a gay man who has to come home and take over as coach for his dead father's rugby team.

"He's doing WEST SIDE STORY and has to go back home and get all these fat, drinking, smoking Welsh guys into shape to win the rugby tournament," says Zeta-Jones.

Which is all very well and good. Seeing as the last movie she made with a big bunch of queers won her an Oscar, perhaps this will up her cred.

Certainly, at least, this puts her one step further along in her seemingly determined quest to never be as good as Nicole Kidman.

Gay On Gay On Gay

We only have a minute, so we thought we'd round up this week's best moments in gay meta:

Val Kilmer says it was okay to play gay in "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang": “The movie is so well written. It takes us and the audience to so many places that I thought it would be a great ride.”

Oprah Winfrey feigned interest in gay bars: "This may be me being ignorant, but don't gay people go to gay bars?"

Queen Latifah pretended to like girls at Scores: "She treated me like a friend," said a "buxom, red-headed dancer named Logan."

Thanks guys, once again, for keeping it real.

Living In A Rayon-Blend World

Because we are huge fags Madonna fans, we went out and got confirmation from Her Madgesty's camp that she will indeed be appearing at Roxy in New York on Saturday night - and a few other clubs. She will not be performing, rather, she will be introducing her new tracks with to the city's DJ's.

If I were her I'd watch out. Those trannies are gonna want their clothes back. And those bitches use nails...

"Half The People In This Room Are Mad At Me, And The Other Half Only Like Me Because They Think I Pushed Somebody In Front Of A Bus"

A twink and a dyke were elected prom king and queen at Buffalo Grove High School in Illinois last week. A Chicago NBC affiliate rightly judged that this touching tale is best told in slideshow form:

Were you expecting us to write something funny? No, no, no, silly gooses. This is like when Saturday Night Live spoofs Iron Chef - and it ends up exactly matching the original show. You can't embellish perfection.

Otis Was A Man

Allow us to do a little translation for you of today's Page Six lead item, involving Camryn Manheim, her puppy son, Milo, and male model Jeffrey Brezovar. To summarize, Brezovar donated sperm to Manheim, Manheim used it to make a baby in her belly, and then Out Magazine wanted to write about the whole thing. Manheim initially agrees, then panics, backs out, and a gossip item is born. But in the article, there are some nuances a lay person might miss, so allow us to translate for you:

PAGESIX: Manheim's rep didn't return calls or e-mails.
TRANSLATION: Manheim's rep did return calls, but asked to just be called a source so as to seem more legit.

PAGESIX: "Camryn is a huge supporter of the gay and lesbian community, but she wanted to shield Milo from any unwanted public scrutiny of having a 'Gay Dad,' " said our source.
TRANSLATION: "This kid is already doing blow in the sandbox with Ava Phillipe and Rocco Ritchie. He is not ready for his closeup," said Manheim's rep.

PAGESIX: Manheim was also said to be concerned because of "Jeffrey's relationship with Oprah Winfrey's [openly gay] interior designer Nate Berkus [whose last boyfriend, Fernando Bengoechea, died in the tsunami last year.] Camryn is worried that Jeffrey's higher public profile is going to negatively impact Milo."
TRANSLATION: "Quick, name some famous gays. ANY gays, don't have to be men. Isn't that cute guy from Oprah single? He's kind of cute, but in a tortured way. What were we talking about again?"

But seriously. We want to be friends with Ava Phillipe. Can you give her our number?

You Should See What Happened To The City-Loaned Dishtowel

Spokane Mayor James West might be in trouble for looking at gay websites on a city-loaned laptop while traveling, reports the AP. West is the elected leader of a major US city - so this discovery obviously raises many important questions. For example:

* Will this affect his re-election?
* Would this be newsworthy if they were straight websites?
* What are you, eight? Don't you know you should always delete your cookies?

But the most eye-opening part of the AP story is here:

West is pressing a court fight to prevent release of a second CD, which West's lawyers have said contains offensive material, plus the identities and photos of hundreds to thousands of men whose privacy West wants to protect.

Hundreds to thousands of men who might be compromised, eh? We guess that's understandable. He is a hottie. ...Wait, what's that you say? The man pictured above is actually New Paltz Mayor JASON West? And THIS is Spokane Mayor James West?
And you wonder why every time we leave the east coast, we glue our ass cheeks together...

New York Times Visits Dartmouth, Blacks Out, And Remembers Nothing

We know this post isn't that gay, but it does involve booze, chest thumping and a pair of slippery balls, so we feel that's good enough. If you're the last person to not be emailed the New York Times' front page article on beer pong, go check it out now. It's an amazing article - but there are some minor innaccuracies:

In beer pong, each team stands at the end of a table in front of a triangle of cups partially filled with beer. Players pitch the ball into the other team's cups. When a player sinks the ball, the other team must chug the beer and remove the cup from the table. When a side runs out of cups, it loses.

What they are describing here, is actually beer pong's terrorist cousin, Beirut. Even we know that, and we only drink clear liquors. Still, our favorite part of the article is when a Budweiser spokeswoman has her very own margarita moment:

But Ms. Katz said Bud Pong was not intended for underage drinkers because promotions were held in bars, not on campuses. And it does not promote binge drinking, she said, because official rules call for water to be used, not beer.

Ooooh, right. The official rules. If only someone had told us that the official rules called for vaginas to be used, not assholes, we wouldn't be in this mess!

But Those Bush Twins Sure Are Fag Hags

Radar Online attempted this week to lump together all of the disparate rumors about gays in the Bush administration into one story... about how a story should be written about all of the disparate rumors of gays in the Bush administration. The point of the article, written by blogger/outer John Aravosis, is not that these people are gay - it's that someone should write about whether they are gay or not.

Hrm.

We've heard all of the rumors. People say such naughty things: Secretary of State Condi Rice munches box. RNC National Chairman Ken Mehlman prefers it in the pooper. Harriet Miers slaps backs (we WISH we knew how that worked). Everybody and my mother has heard them. So why, Aravosis cries, are only the bloggers writing about them?

The answer is simple: they're not. Not even cock-mouthed blogger Mike Rogers has outed, convincingly, one of those characters. Because as far as speculation goes, there just isn't sufficient evidence. So far, no woman has admitted sampling Condi's sweet, sweet yellowcake. Not one man confessed to making a unilateral thrust on Mehlman's governing compound.

And so far, no ladies have admitted to fucking Harriet Miers' floppy vag with a veiny strap-on.

But hey, when that happens, will someone send us an email? Fagats@gmail.com. We'll trade you Eve's sex tape.

Did You Know Black People Don't Watch "Top Gun"?

Speaking of gay, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are set to get married in Cancun, according to Britain's trash talking trollops, the 3am Girls.

While Katie, 26, wants to get hitched before her bump gets too noticeable, her 43-year-old beau is also keen to make things official before the arrival of their little bundle of joy. A source close to the couple tells us they first chose the hotel four months ago - long before Katie discovered she was pregnant. "Tom's old fashioned," our spy tells us. "He wants his child to be born in wedlock. He's very romantic and wants everything to be in place before the birth."

Ah yes. His Scientology religion, after all, was invented over fifty years ago! That’s, like, half of a hundred. And aliens have been around for-EVER! Tom is way old fashioned.

The girls describe the wedding’s proposed venue, the Ritz Carlton in Cancun, as “exclusive.” Which we think is exactly right, if it’s only drunk frat guys that they want to attend. Dibs on the Sharpie when Tom passes out!

These Days They'd Just Go On Jerry Springer And Pull Out Their Cousins' Weaves

We hate Andy over at towleroad.com (even though we love him) because he got to see "Brokeback Mountain" and we haven't yet. Check out his stirring review here.

We DID, however, get to talk to director Ang Lee last week about the gay cowboy flick. Understandably, he is quite excited about the early buzz for the movie - which many deemed too controversial for mainstream audiences. It won the top prize at the Venice Film Festival recently, and critics are already giving earnest thumbs up. Lee told us that one of the challenges, even tougher than the gay stuff, was portraying the American West in an honest and fair light - and using writer Annie Proulx (who wrote the original story) and Larry McMurtry (the "Lonesome Dove" writer who penned the screenplay) as teachers.

"Both of them are legendary figures," Lee admitted. "I used the pressure to think positively. I had to make it work, I had to prove that the movie can match the great writing. They are great teachers, they are very generous in telling me about the West. Not many movies really portray the real life of rural American West, and those two are the masters. It’s a special relief that they both liked it. They both loved the movie."

Wow. It's compelling that this was such a serious concern for Lee, who was embroiled in all of the movie's other hot issues.

Now, back to the sex. This is what Towleroad has to say:

The two actors make out hungrily, wrestle around, intimately embrace naked by the golden light of a campfire, and if you've read the Proulx short story you'll remember this bit: "Ennis ran full-throttle on all roads whether fence mending or money spending, and he wanted none of it when Jack seized his left hand and brought it to his erect cock. Ennis jerked his hand away as though he'd touched fire, got to his knees, unbuckled his belt, shoved his pants down, hauled Jack onto all fours and, with the help of the clear slick and a little spit, entered him, nothing he'd done before but no instruction manual needed."

If that doesn't spell Oscar, we don't know what does.

Fag Meets Hag

Congratulations to our drinking buddy and fellow blogger Perez Hilton, who finally met his maker. Perez, whose hilarious blog is an homage to Paris (and everything pop culture that she represents), befriended Paris recently in New York, and made a splash on the red carpet in Vegas when he ran into her this weekend:

"Paris came over, gave Perez a big hug and a kiss and then proceeded to give him an exclusive five minute interview, the only one she would grant that night," gushes Perez.

We've met Paris a few times, too, and can understand why he's so excited. Deep behind the wonky eye, the drunk-even-when-sober personality, the incessant pot-smoking and the steadfast refusal to wear underwear - there lies the icy heart of a ruthless bitch.

Of COURSE gay men love her!

Isn't This A Funny Picture, Considering He's Into Bondage?

Andrew Sullivan, America's crusty gay grandpappy, follows up on yesterday's nostalgic Observer piece, also lamenting the death of queer culture. Sullivan waxes poetic in a concise 6,000-word essay, taking us through the rise and fall of gay rights - and stopping in at a few leather bars along the way. His thesis is that societal change is inevitable, and we can't stop it from coming.

All over our faces.

Sullivan, like Sicha yesterday, is very obviously distressed that the days of bathhouses and backrooms are coming to a close. But he recognizes, at least, that the vigorous and creative culture of the seventies and early eighties was birthed from a womb of fear and persecution. And Sullivan concludes that maybe, perhaps, it isn't so bad that those times are coming to a close.

What's our take? We weren't really paying attention. We've got more important things on our mind.

We'd Live The Life We'd Choose, We'd Fight And Never Lose

We were always under the impression that the gay rights movement was started, in part, so that gay men would no longer have to look in dark corners of secluded parks or in dirty public bathrooms to find empty and anonymous sexual release.

Silly us. Those were the glory days!

We never understood why the older generation liked mustaches and flannel so much, either. But we'll go with it.

Apparently, the eradication of such lonely/erotic/dangerous places is really getting the oldies down. The New York Observer’s Choire Sicha waxes nostalgic today on the city’s bygone “nooks and crannies for crooks and trannies," and yearns for the birth of new cruising venues. On the lost seduction of the piers in Chelsea:

"And for all the autumnal-evening sexual tension of workers free from their desks, and for all the cock you can see swinging in shiny workout shorts, well, there’s not much in the way of release, because the whole place itself is built to discourage such acts."

So... that's... bad?

But there is a bright side! According to architect Carles Renfro, who has been working on the project, the plans for the new Highline Park will include lots and lots of dark and overgrown places for anal rape love connections!

“People will cruise,” Mr. Renfro wrote, “whenever and wherever there are glances exchanged. The ‘L’ train is the cruisiest and sexiest public space in town.”

...sometimes, there are no words.

Olly Olly Oxen Free!

As much as we've tried to ignore it, today is National Coming Out Day. The holiday was invented in 1988 by people who clearly missed half of the fun of being gay - which is going out to FIND the other gays wherever they are hiding! After all, how are the rest of us going to rack up homo points if we don't do any more recruiting?

But it seems like the perfect opportunity to turn the looking glass on our favorite subject of discussion. Ourselves. When was the last time you wouldn't date a cutie because he was "too gay" for you, only to be told later by a drunk friend that you are, in fact, more nelly than the guy you negged? This happens to us on a daily basis.

We will always be alone.

Anyway, the Human Rights Campaign has made an easy test to see how gay you are. Take it and see how you measure up! When we took it, we got "You're somewhere over the rainbow - but not all the way to the pot of gold!"

We can accept that. We're WASPy, we wear silver anyway.

A Dead French Bitch Is Still A Bitch

It is worthy of note that “FHC’s Aborted Blog” (the only blog dying of a mysterious disease) finally expired yesterday, on Columbus Day. FHC’s insane Ameriphobic rants made us laugh every day, as did his careful cataloguing of young gay Washington, DC social life. Now we’ll be forced to go back to Wonkette for our daily dose of Beltway buttplunging. Here are some of our favorite FHC moments:

“The first gay guy I ever met in the states was my university chaplain, Father Brien McC., a very good professional I believe and yet a hungry sodomite (who specialized in getting high on weed Spanish students, gave me a leather jacket once and ended up secular in Madrid I believe).” -Thursday, September 15, 2005

“During my first months in the states I would have sex with people just to be civil, politely sit agonizingly through endless diner with scumbags and naïvely systematically pick up bills. I learn little by little from my roommate to say things like “goodbye, you bore me with your ridiculous conversation”, “it’s true I said I wanted to have sex with you earlier, but now that you are naked I changed my mind”, “could you please go away” or “if I am not taking your calls it is actually because I do not want to talk with you”, “"I just wanted to let you know you ruined my evening”, “why don’t you pick up the bill as you are the only one that enjoyed dinner ?”, “I hate you and you are stupid for asking if I want to see you again tomorrow”. -Friday, September 16, 2005

“To me there is no strangers, only enemies you haven't met yet.” - Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Luckily, when life gets us down, there is always the DataLounge.

...And Inexplicably, All Gay Magazines Were Rendered Obselete...

O.

M.

Fucking.

G.

Tom Ford is back (and baby has GOT back). Fagtastic photog Steven Klein, who brought you the amazing Brad and Angelina spread for W a couple of months ago, has created another masterpiece for the mag. His shots of the former Gucci honcho are just plain creamy. Ford also appeared in last month’s Harper’s Bazaar, so it looks like we’re going to be seeing a lot more of His Royal Hairline. He’s got a fragrance to push and an eponymous* line of “Tom Ford” menswear.

(And no, we don’t get royalties for allowing them to use our butt in the polishing shot. Cheapskates.)

*eponymous, for you illiterate types, means "expensive and faggy."

Best State Of Mind: Denial

We know you've been waiting with baited breath for someone else to tell you what's cool - and now finally, you can rest easy. The New York Blade has declared that Hell's Kitchen is New York's sweetest gay neighborhood in their annual ranking of what's hot in gaytown. Boy were WE looking in the wrong place. Here's what they have to say:

These days, you’re likely to see as many Chelsea boys tippling at Barrage and Therapy as xl or Splash. It’s not that Chelsea’s over; rather, that HELL’S KITCHEN has finally come into its own as a gay ghetto. But Ninth Avenue isn’t the new Eighth Avenue. HK has a style all its own — a little grittier, more street. Or maybe not. But don’t call it Clinton!

We don't know what the hell they're talking about with Clinton, (or tippling for that matter - does it involve VCR cleaner?) but this is a great relief. We were very concerned that 9th Avenue was going to become the new 8th Avenue. We almost lost as much sleep as that time we heard Asian was the new Hispanic.

Other highlights of this scientific ranking include:

*Best Men’s BarStaff pick: Gym Sports Bar (or Eagle)
*Best PartyStaff pick: Alegria (or Krash Chelsea)
*Best Promoter: John Blair and Mark Nelson
*Best Late Night: Cafeteria

We are very grateful for this poll, which taught us the following things:

*The readers and editors of the New York Blade have a median age of 75.
*The readers and editors of the New York Blade have never been east of 6th Avenue.
*We don't know any readers or editors of the New York Blade.
*We are so very young and twinky.

What Is It About Powerful Mother Figures?

Geena Davis' son on "Commander in Chief" might come out as gay in an upcoming episode, reports Andy from towleroad.com (with whom we are frantically in love, btw). Yummy Manhunt alum Matt Lanter, who plays the boy half of Davis' teenage twin set , will likely be up to the challenge.

This is spectacular because after "Desperate Housewives," "Will and Grace," and "It's All Relative," TV land is thirsty for a primetime show featuring an empathetic gay character with solid morals and a strong family. This is an opportunity for ABC to show that young gay people are three-dimensional characters who aren't all about sex and sleaze...

HA! We totally had you going there. The real reason that this is great news is that Lanter has fantastic tits, and we bet we're going to see lots and lots of them!

("It's All Relative"??? We don't even know what the hell that is...)

Real World Out-Onions The Onion.

London's hippest fag hags, the 3am girls, have come up with a story not even we could make up:

MICHAEL Jackson enjoyed his night out at Billy Elliot: The Musical so much that he invited the whole cast to join him afterwards in his hotel for a drink. The singer, who's in London to record a charity single for victims of Hurricane Katrina, caught the smash-hit show on Saturday night. A source close to Wacko reveals: "Michael thought the production was amazing. He asked the actors to come and join him in the Dorchester hotel for a post-show celebration."

We love their deadpan delivery. No mention of "boychild," "Jesus Juice," or even "elephant dance." Priceless.


And thus Tinkerbell's light finally sputtered, and went out...

We're Here. We're Queer. We Live in Fear.

We don't even know where to begin with this one.

Helem, the first gay NGO in the Middle East, has launched the Arab world's only gay magazine.

....must...resist...cultural...insensitivity...

We managed to get our hands on a galley copy of the first issue, and to be honest, it doesn't look half bad! Here are some highlights:

COVER STORY: There Is No Kylie But Kylie, And Madonna Is Her Prophet - A thousand years behind on pop culture? Here's a handy dandy user's guide...

ADVICE COLUMN: Cheating houseboy? Sand in the foreskin? Petroleum really not the ALL purpose lube you thought it would be? Our Sultan of Sex has the answer to every forbidden question...

FEATURE: Kipa on top? Condom on cock! - Clues about Jews for people who hate them...

FASHION SPREAD: Does this Kuffiyeh make me look fat? - The Style Sheik solves all your sartorial conundrums...

FEATURE: What if we want 72 boy virgins in heaven? - Answers to all your steamy questions about same-sex suicide bombings...

Ahhh, yuck yuck. We've got a million of them.

What's that you say? You want our mailing address...?

People Always Think He's British, But It's Just Because He's Gay.

We normally hate people who use the phrase "The BBC version was just so much better," but if you didn't happen to catch comedian Graham Norton's talk show "So Graham Norton" before he came across the pond to Comedy Central, it's really too bad.

But now his show has come live to a theater near you (well, if you live in New York somewhere between Off and Off-Off Broadway), and the Associated Press sent an intrepid reporter to give us an advance preview.

"He is known for making fun of eccentric Web sites on his British talk shows — even phoning the authors on the air" writes the author, correcting a common misconception, which is that Norton is actually best known for meeting innappropriately young men at Duvet on Thursdays and then taking them to red carpet premieres.

But these days, he's got a whole new batch of tricks up his sleeve (Ha! Tricks! We're dying!):

Graham Norton is calling a gay sex hot line from the stage of his off-Broadway stand-up comedy show, talking to men in a breathless voice over speaker phone as the audience tries not to snicker too loudly. One after one, the guys hang up as Norton says — with a completely straight face — that he's gained weight recently and was horribly maimed during a circumcision.

Wait...just...a...damn...minute! Is the AP attempting a humorous lede paragraph? With cultural relevance? And, no, it can't be... is that some edginess, we detect?? Are you karate kidding us? One of the last bastions of serious, bland and boring journalism crumbles to the dust, following in the heels of the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal.

At least we still have The Advocate.

"Dammit, Cuddle Monkey! The Fags Are On H&G Again. I Need A Zima, I'm All In A Tizzy!"

We normally hate to give any notice to the haters, but after the recent legalization of civil unions in Connecticut, there's been an expected backlash among Christian conservatives. While even the most right wing groups are wary of "ex-gays," the few and the un-proud insist upon drawing attention to themselves.

Take Stephen Bennett, for example, who is speaking there to try to "Set Connecticut Straight." (Ha! A pun! He learned something from being gay!)

Bennet [sic] says while all human beings deserve to be treated with love, all behaviors do not need to be encouraged or tolerated.In response to Connecticut's new law advancing homosexual rights, he comments, “America better wake up; that's all I say. I don't mean to sound harsh or angry, but it's gotten to the point right now where homosexuality is just so accepted now, it's being promoted on every television show.”

Bennett observes with marked exasperation that, in today's pro-homosexual mainstream culture, one “can't even watch the Home and Garden Network” without running into pro-homosexual affirmation. Nowadays, he says, even the once innocuous home improvement "reality shows" feature gay and lesbian couples, where they come in and make over their homes."

Apparently, when you go back to being straight, you don't get to keep your sense of irony.

On his typo-ridden personal website Bennett claims to have slept with 100 men during his 11 years in gayland. Which makes us wonder: We let Bennett come and go (frequently in one night, it seems) without trying to change him one way or another, and this is the thanks we get? Next time, we won't bother.

These days he may need the Bible and a congregation to cry out the Lord's name, but we remember all it used to take was some double anal porn and lubed-up can of spraypaint.

Zing! God, we love being queer.

"You're Sayin' The FBI's Gonna Pay Me To Learn To Surf?"

Falling victim to the oldest gay fallacy in the book, Australian filmmaker Ed Aldridge has decided to make a movie about gay surfers.

The film will be shot around Sydney’s beaches in January, and tells the story of a teenage surfer from a small community who falls in love with another boy. The two will embark on a passionate love affair, which Aldridge says will be “sexy”, pushing the boundaries and comfort levels of the mainstream audience. It explores the themes of sexuality, teenage lifestyle and love. “Everyone in the film industry keeps telling me to tone the sex down,” Aldridge says. “I think part of it is an inherent homophobia in society that is happy to deal with gay characters as long as they’re not actually having sex.”

About the subject matter, Aldridge says: “There must be gay surfers, I just don’t think they are out.”

We hate to be the ones to do this, but it seems like it's time...

JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT SOMEONE TO BE GAY, DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY ARE.

I mean, God, we all wish there were gay Mormons, or gay cowboys, or gay hobbits, or gay Cillian Murphys, but we can't always get what we want, okay?

And plus, didn't they already make Point Break?

'Mo Money, 'Mo Problems..

Our faggoty friend David over at Jossip has unearthed what he deems to be a compromising photo of Diddy and designer Zac Posen backstage at Posen's show during Fashion Week.

What, that's supposed to titillate us? Sister, please. That's just a repetition of what we've known for years. Check out this shot of Diddy and Bruce Willis in Harlem outside Cherry Lounge for the club's opening last year:

And you though he hated Whitey...

This Is Why They Tell You To Put Your Wallet In Your Front Pocket.

Sometimes, we over here at FAGATS get turned on by strangers in the night. Especially in dark alleys in New York. Usually the stranger is Fabrizio Moretti. Or Dolph Lundgren (we go in pieces!).

Until now. A friend on Craigslist gives a pithy, if honest, warning on missed connections on how this dream scenario could go awry:

You: Cute Guy, mid 30s, wearing a black wool cap, dark wool shirt and black slacks, nicely dressed.
Me: 26, in decent shape, jeans and dress shirt, walking through downtown in the early evening last night.

Remember? You waled up the street, and we made eye contact... as we got closer and closer my heart was fluttering, it one of those situations where I couldn't decide who makes the first move. I decided it would be me, but you jumped in right as I was about to speak. "Hey."
"Hey."
"Come With Me..."
"Ok..."
And at this, we duck away into the alley behind the Terryaki place and I think to myself "Oh yes. Strange sex in an alley with a man who's name I'll never know."
I was hard immediately.
"Don't fucking move, faggot. Give me your wallet."

Actually, wait a minute, that's exactly how ours goes...

You Must Remember To Polish The Broomstick, Otherwise It May Leave Splinters

Teachers kicked "Shadowmancer" author Rev. Graham Taylor out of a school in England after he told a group of 12 year-old students that Harry Potter was gay. While we heartily agree with the school's decision (the boy hasn't even COME OUT yet, give him some time!), it did get us to thinking about wee Mr. Potter. Let's run over the evidence:

* He often hides in a closet from his family.
* He has a secret that makes him different from every other little boy in his town.
* He has an overprotective mother.
* He has a witty, bitchy best female friend.
* He has an owl named Hedwig.
* His most recent girlfriend, before a mysteriously long dry spell, was Asian.

Wait a minute! He IS a fag! So what does this tell us about Dumbledore?

And Thus They Created The World's Most Collectible Turkey Baster

Forget what you think about Tom's sexuality...

Ignore the fact that Katie is Catholic, and promised to remain a virgin before marriage...

Put out of your mind the Scientology rules against non-Operating Thetans giving birth...

Dismiss the issue that Nicole was forced to adopt two babies instead of birthing her own...

None of that is important. What we want to know is:

Does this mean she doesn't get the $5 million???

...And That's When I Started Writing 'The Kite Runner'!

While perusing an article on Gay.com (an ARTICLE, we tell you) about the death threats a 42 year-old Afghan man received after "marrying" a 16 year-old Pakistani boy, we couldn't help but notice the chilling sidebar:

Related articles:
Travel slideshow: Men of Afghanistan
Gay.com members react to Iran hangings
Gay Iranian teens executed
Gay Iranian denied asylum kills self
Nigerian faces stoning for gay sex
Saudi Arabia executes two gay men

"Men of Afghanistan"? Click on the link - you have to see it to believe it. Our favorite is "Shirtless Young Man In The Gym."

Actually, come to think of it, we'd like to rub one out before we had to read about the young gay Iranian killing himself. We could even use the same dirty sock to clean up our tears...

(That's so wrong, you say? Which link did YOU click first?)

This Explains A Lot About Charlie Brown.

People are just outing everybody these days! During a recent interview on Fox News, anchor James Rosen apparently tried to play matchmaker between Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and "Fox & Friends" vixen Lauren Green. Having lost a schoolyard dare, Rosen got right to the issue (transcript from Radaronline.com) :

ROSEN: She is brilliant, she's beautiful, she's African-American, she's single and she's a concert pianist in her spare time.
RICE: My goodness.
ROSEN: And she asked me to give you her CD, and I promised her that I would.
RICE: That's perfect.
ROSEN: And here's her doing a number of different classical pieces.
RICE: Well, that's special.
ROSEN: So there you have it.
RICE: Thank her very much, and I look forward to seeing her sometime.
ROSEN: All right. She's going to want to hear from you.
RICE: And maybe even play dual piano sometime.

Dual Piano? We don't know much about vaginas, but that sounds awesome! If it's anything like Duel Fistful of Boomsticks, sign us up!

When Life Gives You Lemons, Go Sell Lemonade In Chelsea Because The Gays Are Rich Suckers.

Brendon Lemon, the elusive editor-in-chief of Out Magazine, has just stepped down, according to our queer friend over at Jossip. His 5-year reign included many highs and lows, delivered straight to your door monthly in an opaque plastic bag, leading your mail person and/or parents to believe you were subscribing to porn.* For readers who DIDN'T subscribe to Out's monthly dose of hot bodies, outdated cultural witticisms, and off-putting ads for clothing-optional resorts in Florida, here's a rundown of some of Brendan Lemon's contributions to the genre:

* Replacing actual gay men on the cover with models and hot guys who "played gay" in a movie.
* Having fabulous cocktail parties with lots of intellectual discussion and Abercrombie models.
* Pretending to have a Major League Baseball boyfriend that no one ever met, who wrote at essay in Out with a 800 Verbal SAT vocabulary.
* Perfecting, after several tries, the nonchalant editor's photo in which the top of his bald head happens to be jauntily lopped off.

We're rooting for Executive Editor Bruce Shenitz to replace him as editor. Shenitz not only counts a stint at Newsweek among his credits, but also the ever elusive gay publishing accolade: "Not An Imbecile."

*(which, for your money, you should have been)

...But She Knows All The Best Dead Baby Jokes...

We don't know what to think about this whole Harriet Miers kerfluffle, other than that Rachel Dratch has scored herself another easy recurring celebrity to lampoon on Saturday Night Live. Neither does the New York Times, it seems, which got its support hose in a twist yesterday about the fact that Miers isn't married:

"A native of Dallas, Miers is single and decribed by friends as a devout church-goer. While no back-slapper, she did take part in law firm softball games. She is known to enjoy watching football, playing tennis, running and music."

BACK-SLAPPER? Was "twat-vaccuum" too hard to get past copy editors?

We're not even going to bring up the near-pornographic uses of "softball," football," and "native" in the above quote, but we did notice that the Times was quick to publish an AP pickup the next day, which quoted lobbyists decrying the tactic of outing political candidates.

Which reminds us to ask the Times, how's that glass house you've been building on 8th Avenue?

"This Is From Uncle Bruce, The Sodomite."

Congratulations to TIME Magazines' John Cloud for writing over 5,000 words about gay youth and managing - almost - to not say anything stupid. Granted, it took us three Jamesons and two porn breaks to get through the damn article, but hear hear!

Cloud managed to leave most of the idiocy in the mouths of others. For example, Point Scholarship Executive Director Vance Lancaster, reflects on "Hedwig and the Angry Inch," a film that alternates between music video, creation myth, and Greek tragedy. It "reflects reality," Lancaster pipes up.

Stick with the porn career, Vance.

Some other gems:

"Today so many kids who are gay, they don't like Cher. They aren't part of the whole subculture," adds Michael Glatze, 30, editor in chief of YGA Magazine.

"Dorothy resonates so much with older gay people--the idea of Oz, someplace you can finally be accepted," says Glatze of YGA. "The city of Oz is now everywhere. It's in every high school."

"Actually," says Corey Clarke, 18, "I've heard so many good things about gay pride but I hadn't heard directly about the downside."

Just wait 'till your boyfriend makes you wax your hairy, hairy asshole, Clarke.

Cloud does not make the connection, nor does anyone else in this largely intelligent article, that it's not what gay people do like or want that brings them together - though that may seem to be the case at first glance. It's what they don't want or like (discrimination, persecution, shame) that is why we have to band together to help each other out in the first place.

Well, that and cleanly waxed assholes.