Monday, January 29, 2007

Anatomy Of A Gay Day

Some of the people who read this blog aren’t gay (okay, one of you. Thanks, bro!). So we though it might be helpful to lay out what gay people do on their day of rest. Here is a sample schedule, which may or may not just be a list of the things that we did yesterday. For your general edification:

11:30 am: Wake up. Staying up to watch the last round of Gogo Idol at Boysroom was definitely the right decision. That’s why you’re alone in bed, with a new hangover and old underpants.

1:00 pm: Brunch with a fag hag: Nothing makes you feel better than a mimosa and the knowledge that you will never be as lonely as she is.

3:00 pm: Shopping in Nolita and Soho: So that Paul Smith shirt cost you more than three dinners. After four nights at Beige, it’ll pay for itself.

5:00 pm: Nap time: You call your parents as you are watching "Strangers with Candy." They can tell, as usual, that you are not paying attention. They tell you some horrible story about how their pipes froze last night. Funny, you think, same thing happened to me.

8:00 pm: Dinner with a friend from out of town: Surprisingly, that blogger dude you know from another city is handsome and charming. Thank goodness you chose a restaurant that is trendy and not too expensive. As opposed to your original choice, the Stagedoor Deli.

10:00 pm: Drinks at Barracuda: Cleverly, you convinced your fun new friend to come drink with you at a dodgy, empty gay bar in Chelsea. Nothing makes you feel sexy like that familiar scent of wood paneling, spilled beer, and desperation.

10:45 pm: Appearance of a minor reality star: After more friends show up, a random Texan buys you all drinks (so THAT’s why you hang out with Details models). Turns out he is best friends with one of the Queer Eyes. Awkward hellos diminished by the inexplicable appearance of many Redheaded Slut Shots.

11:30 pm: Arrival at trendy gay party of the night: Hiro is more crowded than you anticipated. Your cute out-of-town guest gets a lot of attention, including some from a well-known Falcon porn star.

11:35 pm: Yikes: Said well-known porn star takes your drink from you, finishes it, and slams it onto the floor. You laugh, because you’ve seen him penetrated by two cocks at once.

12:00 pm: Awkward ex-boyfriend encounter: You run into that gogo boy you dated, you know, the one who made fun of you for reading books? He still looks amazing, even though he has a gold chain and an inappropriate hair-to-gel ratio. He gets you free drinks, because, let’s be honest, he’s slept with all the bartenders. And to think you used to consider that cute.

1:30 pm: All of your friends want to hook up with each other: You decide it’s time to go home. You all have to work tomorrow. And you’re wearing Gap boxers, anyway. And didn’t you mean to go to bed before midnight? And why do you have all those new numbers in your phone? And who is that guy who keeps rubbing your shoulder? And do you have enough cash for the cab home? And is the snow ruining your hair? And where did everybody go??


Bald Knob said...

Like peeking behind the veil! Straight Sundays are so different- NFL Sunday Countdown, followed by two football games.... maybe some beer and wings. Only similarity is I am probably wearing Gap underwear too, except I'm not self-conscious about it....

Frank said...

It's totally sad, and like three years too late, but I would have been pumping that Random Texan for info about Mr. Allen. I've always had a crush on him; I think it's the glasses. And I've always thought he had A Past. In other words, he was a kinky slut whose stories would burn Carson Kressley's Ellen hair off and make Jai Rodriguez faint (the pussy). Kyan would, obviously, be taking notes, while poor Ted just ate some more cake.

ANYway, I simply must know which Falcon star was so rude so I can check out his DP scene. For research purposes, of course.