We just looked over last year's Fagat Guide New Year's Resolution List and most of it still stands (specifically, see the item about sassy overweight black women from American Idol). But a new year brings new ideas, dreams and hopes that one day someone might actually take our advice. So here goes - our 2007 New Year's Resolutions for the gays:
1) Stop renting those horrible gay movies that you see in Blockbuster wedged between real movies that actual people rent. The softcore sex scenes aren’t worth it, and the dialogue is actually making us collectively stupider as a genre of humanity.
2) This includes taking them off of your Netflix queue, jackasses.
3) One of us needs to take one for the team and give the twinky guy in the Mac commercials the rigorous buttfucking for which he is so obviously screaming. (This is more of a suggestion than a resolution.)
4) Be more confident. Ever wonder why it is that only hot guys, and weird, old ugly guys meet people at bars? It’s because the rest of us are sitting there sucking down our vodka sodas and waiting for something to happen. We might as well give each other handjobs while we wait.
5) Stop trying to convince ourselves that one of the shoddy Rite Aid brand hair products will magically make your hair look like Josh Duhamel’s. Get a real product and stick with it, or accept your Jew fro the way it is. This will make life better for all of us.
6) Finally stop thinking that your heterosexual guy friends hit on you when they’re drunk. They don’t, they’re just drunk… (BrokeStraightBoys.com is a WEBSITE, not a way of life.)
7) Invent an absorbent, trendy, attractive reusable cumrag. We’re a little too old to still be using socks and undershirts, aren’t we?
8) Stop shopping at Ikea for large pieces of furniture. It’s getting really embarrassing that you all have the same Malm coffee table that we do.
9) Figure out a polite way to say, “I’ll cum a lot faster with a dick in me.” This only applies to about half of you.
10) For the other half, figure out a polite way to say, “stop trying to finger my asshole, this is only making everything slower.”
11) And on a related note, let’s all make sure the nails on our index and middle fingers are always smooth and cut very short. Just in case.
12) Find a new trendy dog. Contrary to popular belief, puppies are not like messenger bags. And even if they were, would we all wear the same petite, wrinkled, black-and-white-spotted messenger bag for 12 years?
13) Finally admit to ourselves that shower blowjobs have a lower success ratio than Sean Cody would lead us to believe.
14) For God’s sake, stop reading Queerty.com. See resolution #1.
15) Decide that this is the year we won’t live from paycheck to paycheck. We imagine this can be achieved by trying to devote the same amount of attention to the level of our savings accounts that we do to the level of our ambient body hair.
16) Finally devise a strategy for what to do with that one arm which never quite fits anywhere comfortably when we are spooning, and ends up falling asleep and being useless for the first 15 minutes of the morning.
17) Assign one of our own to take charge of Britney Spears. She needs a big fag up in her business like Ryan Seacrest needs… a big fag up in his business.
18) Oh yeah, and while we’re solving our problems? Two words: ass deodorant. Someone figure it out.
Happy New Year!