Wednesday, January 17, 2007

WHY YOU ARE GAY: "The Neverending Story"

Everybody liked the Neverending Story. But let’s be honest, it struck a chord specifically for us gays. The main character, Bastian, was different from everyone else, an outcast who got beat up by the school bullies. He escaped into a fantasy world where he fit in, and was the hero.

That’s not to mention the fact that:
  • The Empress’s palace was basically the most phallic thing ever.
  • So, frankly, was Falcor, the Luck Dragon.
  • One of Atreyu’s toughest challenge was to run the gauntlet between those two hypersexualized sphinx women, who wanted to zap him with their judging eyes.
  • And the next one was to face himself in a mirror to admit who he really was inside.
  • The movie’s love interest had was a genderless pre-teen named “The Childlike Empress”
  • And come on, what gay man hasn’t fantasized about waking up curled up in the lap of a giant, soft white puppy?
We're sure there's more, but it's already been a long day. Anyone else remember what was so gay about this movie? The jewelry, for example?

And don't pretend you didn't have a crush on Atreyu when you were little. Some of you still do.


fishwatch said...

we cried A LOT when Atreyu's horse sank into the quicksand.

That big rock guy also seemed gay to us. Didn't he also have a son at some point? We don't seem to recall a mother. GAY.

Bald Knob said...

A classmate who sits next to me has as his desktop on his laptop a shot of Atreyu riding the Luck Dragon. He is probably 25. Does that mean he is gay?

Anonymous said...

When I was five, I wanted to be that main character. In retrospect, perhaps it was a little crush. And I remember being so excited about the (horrific) sequel. Gay!

Dylan Pass said...

this is brilliant. you get funnier and funnier... :-)

steve said...

I know its cliche... but I can't help but think 'Dear God I was gay' everytime I hear the 'Golden Girls' Theme

Alogon said...

You forgot to mention the score by Giorgio Moroder, apotheosis of Euro-Disco.

It didn't make it into the movie, but have you read the book and what do you think about those creatures who were so ugly that they spent their lives hiding in caves, weeping, and making the most exquisitely beautiful art in Fantastica, polished with their tears?

I've forgotten the name of these creatures.

Bastian, taking pity on them, as most of us would, because they worked so hard and had done nothing to deserve their ugliness, changed them into very pretty animals like butterflies. Unfortunately, they immediately stopped making beautiful things and became frivolous nuisances.

Did Michael Ende write this fable with gay people in mind, and is their any truth to this dilemma?
I hope not, but it has seriously been suggested that our excellence in the arts, literature, etc. depends on suffering, and without that we too will lose it. Dear Lord, let me live an ordinary life, but not too much.

Anonymous said...

Atreiyu (sp?) was directed in a gay-baiting manner no matter what anybody says. That outfit was one thing, but him riding the dragon with the camera on his ass the whole time?! True, Noah (the actor) was gorgeous but he was underage. What is it with Hollyweird and its nonstop gay-baiting tactics? And notice they never did this again until relatively recently. And yes, I loved Atreiyu