Saturday, January 20, 2007

We Wrote To The Ethicist Once, But He Didn't Answer Our Question. Maybe We Should Have Asked The Dirty Guy In the Back of Time Out New York Instead.

Dear Fishwatch,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, and I am pretty upset. I mean, 4 years is probably not something you understand given that you are so good looking and it would be unthinkable to ask you to be tied down for so long, but, trust me, it’s a long time, and ending something like this sucks. What can I do to help myself move on?


Melan Choly

Dear Melan,

Our longest relationship has only been about 4 months long, which we always assumed was due to our thick emotional walls and underlying insecurities. But now that you mention it, it probably is a result of our good looks.

Anyway, a good friend of ours developed this signature 6-step plan over the course of many break ups, some small crushes gone wrong and some as serious as yours sounds, and we have found that it really does work. If it doesn’t, think of all the money you will save by wallowing in self-pity on your couch all day and night.

Janson's 6-Step "Better Than Proactiv" Process:

1. Focus on His Faults.
Did he have gross toe-nails? Did he have really weird dietary restrictions? Did his slim-fit shirts get too slim-fitting? These are things to constantly think about all day long.

2. Maintain Distance.
Absolutely NO late night texts or emails, and ESPECIALLY no texts or emails or voice mails after imbibing substances or watching The Notebook.

3. Surround Yourself With The Power of Friends.
We recommend the long-term, caring, long discussion over red wine, good advice friends, and not the Friendsters you met at the Out 100 party last year whom you text when all your other friends are out of town. Fag Hags are especially useful at times like these.

4. Self Improvement.
This involves a makeover or a new outfit, or finally getting those extensions out. Buy those skinny jeans, you deserve them.

4b. Related, Reprioritize Your Life.
Putting work and your sense of decency ahead of things like taking part in Go-Go Idol at Boys Room? Putting groceries and getting rid off your credit card debt ahead of paying out of pocket for Propecia? Re-think your focus, but maybe not too hard.

5. Find Out Who His New Boyfriend Is And Convince Yourself That You Are Hotter, Skinnier, Younger, Smarter, and More Talented Than He Is.
This one is pretty self-explanatory.

6. Get a New Man.
Also pretty self-explanatory, but can be interpreted as going home with different boys each night for a week or so, OR forming a crush on a boy and having a project. Or both.

Also, please note that while jumping directly to step 6 without carrying out 1-5 is tempting, chances are said man will be significantly older and maybe kind of ugly, and your ex will likely find out about it, making his step 5 all that much easier. And we don’t want that.

Best of luck,


Tristan said...

oh we see where this is going !

Anonymous said...

brilliant advice by a clearly brilliant thinker