This Year, We Resolve To Only Have Promiscuous Sex With Cowboys.

Well, 2005 is almost over. And looking back, it's been quite a year. Since every journalist in America is on vacation now and has phoned in year-end wrap-ups, we'll spare you. Instead, we've come up with some suggested New Year's Resolutions for our people, the gay people:

1. After years of bastardization, take the “I” out of the word “boy.” We’re not all Phillipino rent-a-tents, here.
2. Realize that “Desperate Housewives” has jumped the shark. Start tuning in to “Family Guy” instead. Bree has nothing on Lois.
3. Locate t-shirts with sleeves. Related – finally understand that no one believes we are #9 on any sports team, much less one that is called “The Abercrombie Bears.”
4. Find a sassy overweight black woman on American Idol that we DON’T like.
5. Stop being the go to guy in the office for gossip on “Project Runway” and “America’s Next Top Model.” Related – never, ever mention “Skating with the Stars.”
6. Learn an ass exercise that performs the same function that the kegel does for women. Teach it to those who need it. (You know who you are. This one’s for the team.)
7. Prepare for loss of “Will and Grace” by learning to enjoy one televised sport. This may sound terrifying, but it will not be nearly as bad as trying to watch “Four Kings” instead. (Note – do not pick hockey as your sport. Not only will this fail to make connections with your straight friends because nobody watches hockey, but you will quickly find you prefer the look of basketball, football and baseball uniforms. Also, tennis – the Bel Ami of ESPN - does not count.)
8. Finally learn that lingering eye contact does not foreplay make.
9. Make one lesbian friend. But no more than that.
10. Stop assuming that men in bars with baseball hats are bald underneath. They are, but when you assume it makes an ASS out of U and ME.
11. Figure out what’s so great about getting slapped in the face with an erect penis. Perhaps someone could email Chi Chi about this.
12. Devise a way to get DJs to play Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” year round.
13. Prepare for when people ask us whether we think Tom Cruise is gay. The answer should be an emphatic “No.” He is a freak, and there’s a difference.
14. Stop assuming that Orlando Bloom, Jake Gyllenhaal and Hayden Christensen are gay. U and ME will never tap that ASS.
15. Teach a straight friend how to wear a scarf, even though this will be confusing for us in the wintertime. They deserve to be warm, too.
16. Force our fag hags off the couch and into the dating world. We need that couch for sex.

And finally-

17. Don't forget to fight - even if you live in New York or LA and life is easy for you. Give regularly to the Human Rights Campaign. Read the news. Vote. Have a debate. Come out. Get to know a close-minded person so well that they one day say "I have a gay friend." Do whatever you can.

See you in 2006!

Certain Websites Would Have You Believe Differently, But...

Old gays and young gays don’t communicate well, according to a new study. We agree with this sentiment. Last week we got stoned and went to see “Gay Sex In The 70s.” We had no idea what anybody was talking about.

And there wasn’t enough sex.

But seriously, the report brings up an important issue: How can the older generation of gays who struggled so much pass on their knowledge and wisdom to a group of people who are facing a different set of problems?

Luckily, we don’t deal with important issues. If we were able to communicate with the older generation, we would ask them: Why the mustaches? And all the flannel? And the acid-washed jeans? And honestly, what’s the logic behind letting Bette Midler into a place where you all had sex?

We’re sure they’d have a question or two for us, too. The answers of course, are: Yes, we will let you buy us dinner and pretty things. No, you cannot touch us there.

And maybe, if we’re drunk, we might let you watch.

So Then, For My Birthday Party, Which Was An All-Girls Pool Party, I Was Like, "Janis, I Can't Invite You, Because I Think You're Lesbian."

We’re not saying anybody is gay or anything. But today’s Page Six item about Bryan Singer’s holiday “Mostly Male” pool party made us recall that it’s about the time of the season for Lance Bass’s “Mainly Mo” New Year’s bash. Our favorite "Mean Girls" star, Jonathan Bennett, is expected again this year. If someone at the party has a moment of clarity during an E downroll, can you please send us pictures of the nonsexual naked chickenfights in the pool?

Because, after years and years, White Squall just isn’t doing it for us anymore.

And Here We Were Thinking, Short People Ain't Got No Reason To Live...

We have just made an amazing discovery.

Nowhere Bar, the strange, always empty gay hole-in-the-wall near our apartment, has a special night every Wednesday. It's called Runt Nite. And it's for - wait for it - short gays.

And the appropriately-sized gays who love them.

This news really made our day. We can't stop imagining how every Wednesday, the Oompa Loompas of New York wriggle out of their trundle beds, get off the stepping stool in front of the bathroom sink, pull on their Gap Kids jeans and flock to Nowhere. There, they can drink .99 cent pints (har!), or half pints, which are cheaper (hardy har!), and attempt to grope one another under the barstools with their stubby Simpsonesque fingers. Brilliant.

If you're looking for us tonight, we'll be the ones walking down 14th Street with the bowling balls ...

KKK Rallies To Oppose Gay Marriage

You know you're doing something right when these guys come out against you.

I MEAN...

Like so many undereducated white people in the 90s, all we can say is:

“GO RICKY! GO RICKY!”


(Thanks to JustJared for this)

It's Called A Dance Floor. And Here's What It's For...

Madonna has admitted that when she was young, she used to sneak away from home and go to gay clubs for fun. It helped her realize who she was, and that it was okay to be different.

"I used to tell my dad I was sleeping over at a girlfriend's house - which essentially I was. He'd say, ‘I want to take you dancing to a club.' I had no idea where we were going and he took me to this gay disco in Detroit called Menjos," Femalefirst quoted her, as saying. "It was just amazing - to see all these men dancing with one another. I'd spent my whole life feeling like a freak and an outsider and that nobody understood me and suddenly I felt like it's OK to feel different," she added.

We’re glad we could help, Madonna. Especially since when WE were young, you helped us realize who we were, and that it was okay to be different.


(Sometimes, we are so gay, it burns when we pee.)

Mistletoe Is For Queers.

Merry Christmas!

(If you hadn't guessed, we here at Fagats are members of the Christian Right and refuse to give in to you PCers who insist upon non-denominational December greetings.)

We're blogging from a public library in Wellesley, Massachusetts, so cut us some slack about the lack of posts. We'll be back on Monday, better (and drunker (and singler (and fatter))) than ever. Talk to you then!

(PS - There is no Jesus. Fuck you, Johnny.)

And You Thought 2xist Underwear Was The Only Thing You Had In Common With Osama Bin Laden

When we heard recently that the government was spying on us, we were initially unconcerned. According DMV we live in Maine. According to our voting records, we live in New York. And according to the phone company, we don't exist. We never really gave our fearless leaders the credit to be able to track us down in a pinch. Remember, this is a group of people who think that the world was created in six days, but haven't been able to find a man attached to a dialysis machine in Afghanistan in FOUR YEARS.

But this article made us pause. The government found a gay "Kiss In" protesting "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" worthy of monitoring for terrorists:

"A February protest at NYU was also listed, along with the law school’s LGBT advocacy group OUTlaw, which was classified as “possibly violent” by the Pentagon. A UC-Santa Cruz “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” protest, which included a gay kiss-in, was labelled as a “credible threat” of terrorism."

We have friends in NYU's OUTlaw, and they are the biggest sissies we've ever met. They are to terrorists what Britney Spears is to Bloc Party - things that are not similar.

Bush can rant all he wants about the need for monitoring risky activity, and that would be fine, if his definition of "risky" activity wasn't so broad and, well, retarded. But it is, and now all this spying into our personal lives doesn't seem so sexy anymore. Maybe someone should do something.

We'll start. We're going to stage a "Fuck-In" at our apartment. That'll teach 'em.

We Just Got Off The Bus In Maine And Boy Are Our Wrists Tired

We are on vacation (Hey, giving handjobs for cash in the basement of the Port Authority pays well, but it has a high burnout rate) again, in Maine this time. Since our "modem" up here is actually a dixie cup tied to the end of a piece of yarn, the internet becomes a little more difficult to use.

So we'll try, when we can, to post links to other people saying interesting things. For example, this super-fucked up article in the New York Times about children selling webcam pornography of themselves.

"A six-month investigation by The New York Times into this corner of the Internet found that such sites had emerged largely without attracting the attention of law enforcement or youth protection organizations. "

Looking at kiddie porn for six months?? How come WE never get the good reporting jobs...

BLOG SEES F.O.D.

Well. We are one step closer to being able to die happy.

We met Ian Somerhalder last night at the afterparty for the opening night of his new play “DOG SEES GOD.”

We’ve run across a fair number of celebrities in our day, so we know this is a cliché – but boy is SHORT. We were particularly amused by his posse of pretty boys who not only adoringly watched his every move, but also doled out the evil eye to all of the other men (including us) who were checking Somerhalder out. Ian was wearing a little pageboy hat and was looking very fey.

We would have scanned the room for his “very close friend” David Kalstein, but we didn’t know what he looked like so we just resorted to staring at Ian. He has a very firm handshake, very blue eyes (possibly contacts) and definitely suffers from the Asian Flush.

On another gay note, “Dog Sees God” is based on what happens to the Peanuts characters when they grow up. Schroeder (played by super hot Logan Marshall Green) has a gay fling with Charlie Brown (played by Eddie Kay “Shitbreak” Thomas), and Somerhalder (Pigpen) has a drug-induced threesome with Marcie and Peppermint Pattie.

Which made us wonder – what ever happened to Calvin from “Calvin and Hobbes”?

We’re afraid to ask.

You Say Tom-ay-to, I Say Hate.

Utah State Senator Chris Buttars wants to ban Gay-Straight alliances in Utah schools.

“In my mind, if you are in the chess club, what do you talk about? Chess," Buttars said. "If you are in the dance club, what do you talk about? Dance. If you are in a gay club, what do you talk about? I just don't believe members of sexual orientation clubs should be sanctioned by the public schools — what they are talking about even a part of the public schools. They should not be allowed to have that on school property at all. It's just wrong."

We were completely unsurprised to read this biased article on the topic in the Deseret News, the official Mormon news source. And imagine our lack of shock when we discovered that Buttars himself is a devout Mormon.

If we may indulge in a little reclamatory language, “We don’t have anything against Mormons. Many of our good friends are Mormons. But it should be kept in private - we don’t see why they feel the need to subject us to their alternative lifestyle.”

Here's another gem from the article:

"Equal access does not allow for illegal or immoral activities, (nor) does our Utah law. Would they allow a marijuana club? A tobacco club?” asked Utah Eagle Forum President Gayle Ruzicka.

Ruzicka, unlike Buttars, was not born a Mormon. She converted.

Here we go again: “Being an imbecile is not a genetic trait, as stupid people would have you believe. It is a conscious choice.”

Awesome and Awesomer.

It’s times like these when we shake our fists at the gods and cry: “Why don’t we have a better understanding of html!?”

We have just intercepted an invitation to the FIRST EVER, National Convention Of The Hot Boy Posse!!!

Yes, you read that correctly.

If you don’t know what the Hot Boy Posse is, you’re either a) way behind or b) not an aging prepster and have better things to worry about. Either way, it’s not worth explaining – the name pretty much says it all. But the email is a four page Acrobat guide to a weekend in Los Angeles during which Hot Boys (not just any hot boys, mind you – CAPITALIZED Hot Boys) will gather, copulate, and then awkwardly exchange business cards and bicker over whose ribbon belt is really from J. McLaughlin.

Here are highlights from the email, which we couldn’t figure out how to post in its ab-tastic entirety:

Los Angeles, CA – Jan. 13-16, 2006
YOU are invited to participate in the BIGGEST, the BEST, and the
FIRST ever NATIONWIDE HBP PARTY event in history!!!
What is HBP Weekend?
In our humble (and highly-biased!!!) opinion, few things compare to the
EXCITEMENT and HYPE that fill the air when a group of successful,
attractive gay boys get together. There have been many smaller scale events
in past, but HBP Weekend represents the first ever targeted mass gathering
of gay boys from every major city from COAST TO COAST!!!
Put quite simply, we have NEVER been so EXCITED about one of our
events!!!

TRANSLATION: We think EXTREME PUNCTUATION and CAPITALIZATION will emphasize how tweaked everyone will be all weekend! (!!!)

If you plan to stay at either [designated] hotel, you are encouraged to make your hotel reservation NOW before others catch notice and potentially book up
availability.

TRANSLATION: Let’s try to take over both hotels. In past experience, other hotel guests tend to grow annoyed at all the slippery doorknobs.

Are couples welcome? Couples are welcome and encouraged to attend!!! If for any reason you are dating someone who did not receive an official invitation, please notify us so that he may be extended a formal invitation.

TRANSLATION: If you are dating someone ugly, never fear. There is a reserved petting zoo area.

We’re really, REALLY sorry we couldn’t upload the pictures (or the edited spoof version, which deserves the Pulitzer), but we’ll keep working on it. Email us or post comments with suggestions.

And We're Back!

We’ve been very bad about posting, we realize, but lay off us! We had a migraine today, and not the good kind.

We’ve been hearing from several of our friends that they didn’t like “Brokeback Mountain” as much as we did. This we can accept. But one friend suggested that we wouldn’t like it so much if the cowboys weren’t so pretty, to which we say: “name one Oscar worthy straight romance in recent years where the lead actors weren’t attractive.” And King Kong doesn’t count.

So here’s what we’ve missed in the past couple of days:

This is amazing.

This is not.

This is great news.

This is hot.


(well, not hot in the traditional sense. But what is quite sexy is that our loving co-worker brought us back some Berocca from Australia just in time for the holidays!)

Breaking: Gay Director Likes Handsome Younger Boys

We love Radar Online, but its Fresh Intelligence section has some issues. The writers don’t know how to piece together a gossip item. Their stories sort of ramble on, they don’t organize what’s important and put it on top, and they leave a lot up to speculation.

Take today’s item about gay X-Men director Bryan Singer. Aside from the fact that it’s similar to what we wrote a couple of days ago, it doesn’t really say anything. It hints that MAYBE Bryan Singer wanted Brandon Routh to play Superman because he is so handsome (ya THINK?). It adds that Singer likes to put together “gay movies” with stars like Kevin Spacey, Ian McKellen, Alan Cumming and Hugh Jackman.

We like it when a writer’s Wolverine sex fantasies get ahead of his fear of libel.

The story ends with the interesting internet theory that Routh will come out as a grand publicity stunt just before the movie opens. Summing up, the item says a whole lot of nothing. It’s as if they sat around Bowery Bar on a Tuesday night, shot the shit with a bunch of pomade queens with vertically striped shirts for a couple of hours, then wrote the whole thing down and put it on their website.

If that qualifies as journalism, call us Peter Fucking Jennings.

We Think The Role of Jay McInerney Should Be Played By Michael Lucas

The rights to gay writer Bret Easton Ellis's new horror book "Lunar Park" have been scooped up by a film company looking to make it into a feature. There are many obvious problems with this: The whole point of the book is that it is a fictionalized account of a seemingly real BEE. Does that mean that he has to play himself? Also, much of the book is based on questioning whether the author is hallucinating. How will that translate onto the screen?

And the book was terrible! Why would they want to make that into a movie??

But the most pressing question, we think, is: How dare they start work on a movie version of "Lunar Park" when they haven’t made the movie of "Glamorama"?? We’ve been waiting years to get a visual of that bisexual sex scene!

Ha ha. "Bareback Mountain." Ha.

A moment of seriousness please.

Last night we attended the New York premiere of "Brokeback Mountain." It was a star studded affair - we were in the popcorn line behind Julianne Moore and Sigourney Weaver, we watched Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams' boobs get up close and personal, and we witnessed Chazz Palmentieri cut the food line at the buffet. The event was as gay-studded as anything we've ever been to, and we've been to the Barney’s Warehouse sale. Andy Towle, MTV's John Norris, and representatives from GLAAD and the Point Foundation all made appearances.

But most importantly, the movie was good. Punch-you-in-the-stomach good. We still feel sort of beat up about it. While we wouldn't characterize it as a "gay" movie, it really underlines the fact that there are no good movies with male-male love stories. The way it leaves you feeling at the end makes you realize that you've been missing out on something when you’ve seen every other great romance drama – your whole life, you haven’t been feeling what straight audiences have been feeling.

And that sucks.

The movie isn't perfect, but Ang Lee has some moments exactly right. We think you will really like it. And yes, the sex scenes are hot. No, they're not too short. Yes, you see Heath and Jake's asses. And yes, you will cry.

(And yes, that is our roommate with Anne Hathaway, who we love in the movie and in life)

Does Yeshiva University Have This Same Problem?

We’re confused.

And not about our gender.

Boston College recently ordered its student LGBT club to change the theme of their annual AIDS benefit dance from “A Night In Gay Paris” to something “less gay” in order to fall more in line with the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church.

"Gay students are accepted and welcomed at Boston College, but as a Catholic university we cannot sanction an event that promotes a lifestyle that is in conflict with church teaching and the mission and heritage of Boston College," Boston College spokesman Jack Dunn said.

We don’t understand. Is this the same college whose law professor, Kent Greenfield, organized a multi-university lawsuit against the Department of Defense over the right of the military to recruit on campus? Is it, or is it not, the same school whose venerated law school kicked said recruiters off campus because of the D.o.D.’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy because it goes against their discrimination policies?

And, more importantly, don’t they realize gay-themed parties are a cornerstone of college debauchery? From the Sex.Power.God party at Brown to DKE hazing at UVA, drinking just isn’t the same without a little homoeroticism.

What we really want to know is: What does this mean for the a cappella?? Think of the a cappella…

Uh-huh.

Our boyspy spotted Marc Jacobs’ hooker friend, hefty Louis Vuitton duffle in tow, at the HIV testing center at Callen-Lorde community health center in Chelsea today.

If life is one big joke, we think we’d be really good friends with its writer.

Who Needs Spandex?

When we heard that cutie Ben Foster was drafted to play Angel in third X-Men movie, we were a little flummoxed. Ben is in the exact boycandy mold of Shawn Ashmore, who plays Iceman. But unlike the series’ original (gay) director Bryan Singer, X-3 director Brett Rattner’s taste runs more toward Amazonian black superathletes than fey little fresh-faced cubs. Angel from the comic books was older than Foster – so we were surprised by this casting move. We know what Shawn Ashmore had to do to get his role – but what did Foster bring to the table?

Then again, what do we care? Judging by these photos in USA today, Ben suffers from that age-old comic-book hero malady: he is allergic to shirts.

See you at the theaters!

New Young Ownership, Same Old Cumstains

We don’t have much time to blog today, but we wanted to tell you about a new bar that just opened up in the East Village. It’s called Eastern Bloc (and yes, the décor involves lots of sickles and red fists. Foresight?) . It’s located in the old Wonderbar space on 6th Street between Aves A and B. Wonderbar was the first gay bar we ever visited (we were 18) so last night’s opening party was full of memories.

The crowd was a mix of older, bearded muscle types and younger, cleancut gayuppies – so we’re interested to see how it evolves over time. We were pleased to see and say hello to Dylan P., David M., Chris M., Warren S., Jim S., Eric B., and our old roommate Joshua whose last initial we don’t remember (or perhaps never knew).

We were having a lovely time, until the moment when a handsome gay pornstar wearing a big gold cross grabbed us and said “Are you really wearing pleated pants at a gay bar?”

Then we fled home in shame.

Look Who's Talking, Too.

Today's blind item in Cindy Adams' column in the Post caught our attention. Think you know who it is?

"Famous actor, genteelly hitting on his male masseur at a West Coast resort hotel, wanted a treatment up in his room. The star's bodyguard promised, "you'll be well taken care of." The masseur is straight. Just as genteel as the star, he genteelly declined…"

Please put suggestions for who you think the famous actor is in the comment section. If your guesses include names other than John Travolta, don’t bother.

Last One To Chug Has To Clean The Hot Tubs After Gay Ski Week.

This made us chuckle:

For the first time ever Telluride guests will be offered the chance to track their mountain experience with the help of a GPS ski tracking service at this year’s Telluride Gay Ski Week, February 26 - March 5, 2006.Skiers, who participate in the program, will receive an armband that is worn throughout the day to gather data on their skiing activities. At the end of each day, data is downloaded from the armband after which each skier is presented with a detailed souvenir map that reflects and tracks their number of runs, vertical feet, speed, calories burned, distance traveled; time skied, & terrain difficulty. The cost to participate is $35 daily.

That has got to be the gayest thing we’ve ever read. And we own a copy of “The Swimming Pool Library.”

"This is really an exciting addition to Telluride Gay Ski Week experience this year," said Tracee Hennigar, Special Events Manager for the Town of Mountain Village. "Both the die-hard and casual skier can capture an actual record of their daily skiing experience. Now you can show proof to your friends and family that you did ski a double diamond."

We understand the need for this. We know if we don’t come up with proof, our friends and family just assume we were doling out over-the-snowpant-handjobs to our Ski Bunny instructors in the Apres Ski Lounge.

Which we were.

We Suspect Charlize Theron Was Behind All Of This.

Well.

South Africa’s highest court has finally ruled that banning gay marriages is unconstitutional. This will pave the way for full homosexual marriage rights within a year, according to reports.

Yes, you read that correctly. SOUTH AFRICA. This is a country whose President, Thabo Mbeki, thinks that AIDS is caused by poverty and not by HIV. And they are ahead of us on the curve for equal rights.

The government hasn’t commented, but we’re suspicious that Mbeki will take this as a chance to look like a champion for civil rights. After all, only Spain, Canada, the Netherlands and Belgium (no, the last two are not the same country) allow gay marriage so far.

This is totally like the part in “Wicked” when Galinda gets to look good by helping the crippled girl, even though she was just being selfish.

We expect this situation to end similarly.

Colin Farrell Buys Thesaurus, Plays Part Of Someone Who Can Read

When we saw that Cillian Murphy was interviewed by Colin Farrell in this month’s Interview Magazine, we almost had a heart attack. Like all Americans, we are a quarter Irish, and we have a soft spot for these two hunks. So imagining them engaging in the inevitable Warhol-induced phone sex was almost too much to bear. Take this steamy piece of Mick Lit pornography, for example:

Cillian Murphy: I’d been in love with [Breakfast on Pluto writer] Patrick McCabe’s writing for years. I think “The Butcher Boy” is up there with Joyce and Beckett as a seminal piece of Irish literature. I really do. This is kind of a companion piece to it.

Colin Farrell: It’s a beautiful absurd world. It’s like taking everything that lives underneath, subterraneously, in all Irish people and bringing it to the surface, the stuff that’s right under that bubbles up in us all. It’s all there in our culture, hidden by bravado and circumstance, whatever it may be. Your work in this movie is really gorgeous, Cillian. Really gorgeous.

Sorry, what were we talking about? We just had to take an extended break in the office handicap bathroom.

Anyway, we’ll leave you with a Farrell’s words of wisdom about the hurricanes he experienced this summer while working in the Caribbean on Miami Vice.

CF: When I was in Miami, Katrina passed us by, but we only got a lick of it. It’s like the difference between sitting beside someone in a bar when they fart and sitting at the other end of the bar and thinking for a second that you smell something but it’s gone and you go, “Must have been an elephant.”

Yes, Colin. Katrina was just like that.

But Today The Way I Play The Game Has Got To Change, Oh Yeah, Now I'm Gonna Get Myself Happy

Apparently George Michael is trying to one-up Elton John by also getting gay married in the UK.

Which really makes us wonder. Are there enough assless chaps in London for both wedding parties?


On an unrelated note, the image to the left is a rough approximation of what we think bad gays see at the exact moment of their deaths.

Yet Somehow We Were Happy That Jennifer Hudson Was Cast As Effie In Dreamgirls.

So we just saw the movie “Mrs. Henderson Presents,” starring the original fag hag, Dame Judi Dench. The rest of you proles will be able to see this movie next month. Now, we have our complaints and our compliments, but what’s worthy of note here is that the movie introduces Will Young in his debut role. If you’re a modern culture junkie, you’ll remember Will from when he won the first season of Britain’s “Pop Idol,” the precursor to our own “American Idol.” Young came out of the closet shortly after the win, and immediately went under an image re-vamp towards soft rock.

Quite frankly, he has a terrible-sounding voice and an audible lisp. And he can't act. Yet someone thought fit to place him opposite Dench and Bob Hoskins in this World War II tragicomedy. Imagine, if you will, if Clay Aiken was cast in a Civil War piece opposite Meryl Streep and Anthony Hopkins, and you’ll get an idea of what a travesty this is.

There is a lot of nudity in this film, both male and female (we see Hoskin’s ying but thankfully not Dench’s yang), and that includes Young. Unfortunately, in the one scene where everyone goes full frontal, Young is turned away from the camera, denying us the only possible pleasure that could be derived from his appearance in this film.

Come on, Will! Even Jude Law flashed us in Talented Mr. Ripley, and he has a tiny penis!

And Don't Even Get Us Started On Nathan Lane. Now THERE'S A Fine Piece Of Ass...

Did anyone else notice how today Liz Smith jizzed all over the crop of actors who played gay this year? Was that weird?

* In "The Dying Gaul," Peter Sarsgaard appears as a struggling gay screenwriter who falls for a married studio executive. We also have "Rent," as a movie musical with its plethora of gay and transvestite roles.

* Then there is Philip Seymour Hoffman, who is playing the famously gay writer Truman Capote in the film "Capote." He is a certain shoo-in for an Oscar nod.

* Another role causing "excitement" is that of Cillian Murphy as a transvestite in "Breakfast on Pluto." (Why is excitement in quotes? Does she really mean “erections?” Even we don’t get this innuendo.)

Woah there, Dykey McTranTran. Just because Cynthia McFadden dumped you doesn’t give you an excuse to start digging into our mancady jar.

But the headline on stories about most "gay movies" should read: "No Straight Actors Have Been Harmed in the Making of This Film." Male homosexuality is certainly the last real-life taboo for real-life male actors. And away from the bright lights of showbiz and the cosmopolitan big cities, what does it all mean for gay men and women across red-state America? Not as much as you might hope.

Now we'll see if Oscar, nervously naked, drops his sword for any of the above-mentioned as winners.

Liz Smith – the Confucius of Carpet Munchers.

We Just Want To Know Whose Bitch He Was In Prison.

When perusing our New York Times this Sunday, we noticed the re-appearance of one of our Hall of Fame Gays into Bill Cunningham’s society pages… PETER BACANOVIC. We love him. We went as him and Douglas Fanuiel for Halloween this year. He is hot, hot, hot and a half. And at 43, he’s clearly hiding a decaying portrait of himself somewhere in Chelsea.

We leapt to the computer this morning to write all about it, only to discover that Radar Online and New York Magazine had beaten us to it. Bacanovic is out of jail, free from home confinement, and ready to play arm candy to all his old fag hags (well, not Nan Kempner - she died) at charity benefits. Word on the street is that he’s moving to Los Angeles to work in the film industry. But what we want to know is, who out there would hire a well-known convict??

AH HAHA HAHA HAHA. Ha.

We kill ourselves.

We Were Frankly Surprised The Brides Didn't Want To Show A Little More Skin.

In Dubai earlier this month, 22 men were arrested for taking part in a mass gay wedding. Some were dressed in traditional arab bride attire, and while the rest were dressed as grooms. As punishment for breaking the country's law against outward homosexual behavior, the group could face "government-ordered hormone treatments, five years in jail and a lashing."

While our original reaction was "Oh, how nice of the government to help pay for the first steps of their male-to-female surgical procedures," we quickly realized that, like always, we were being naive. The government wants them to be more masculine to fix the problem. They want to make up for the lack of testosterone in these male citizens.

Which we realized shouldn't have been a surprise.


Dubai? Overcompensate? Never.

Priesthood, Gays Get Divorce. Extended Battle Over Robes And Candelabra Expected.

We've been trying to avoid mentioning this so far, but it's basically become impossible to ignore. We're talking about the Catholic Church's new rules about gay priests - which include a three-year celibacy trial period for gay hopefuls before they enter seminary, an outright rule against new priests who still see themselves as same-sex attracted, and a weird grandfather clause for those priests who are already in the clergy but see themselves as homosexual.

There's plenty to complain about - hypocrisy, cruelty, homophobia, scientific ignorance - but what we want to know is: should we really care?

It's one thing to protest about the Church preaching hate. They've got a big audience. But as for their interior rules about gays becoming priests? That's their problem, not ours. They're the ones who are going to run out of manpower. We need to figure out why any of us still want to become part of the leadership of that organization. Catholicism isn't like the Republican party - you can't pick and choose what ideology you want to use for yourself. If you're pro-choice, you can't call yourself Catholic. Same goes for gay people - if you believe God made you that way, boom, not Catholic.

To extend a metaphor perhaps a little too far - did black soldiers volunteer for officer positions on the Confederacy side in the Civil War, but say "But I believe in everything else it stands for"? Did Jews join the Nazi party and say "Oh, I just don't agree with them on that point"? Did Melanie Griffith sit quietly while Sigourney Weaver stole her ideas, when she could have been a leader somewhere else?

We didn't think so.

Let the river run, my friends. Let the river run...

Nick and Jessica: R.I.P. 2002-2005

I want you to remember, kids: It's the GAYS that are ruining the way that America's young people feel about marriage.

Thanks For Nothing, Bitches.

Happy Thanksgiving. If you haven't gathered already, we're on vacation. See you on Monday!

And Suddenly, On The Girls' Side Of Camp, "Box Lunch" Took On A Whole New Meaning

We, like so many other responsible young gays, talk about how we want to be parents some day. We’d be great parents, we think. But it’s the little day to day challenges you can’t predict – like the one outlined in this Houston Voice article – that make us worried. Take lesbo mom Paige Parvin’s conversation with her 7 year-old son, for example:

“Well,” he said casually, “there’s this girl at camp who wants to marry me, and she said she was going to kiss me, but I told her I didn’t want to do that because I’m going to get gay with Robbie.”
I froze, suddenly alert. Robbie was a friend he had met at camp only that week. Careful to keep my tone neutral, I said, “Really? Did you tell Robbie that?”
“Yeah. He said he’d think about it,” he answered.

(HE’S NEVER GOING TO CALL, HONEY!)

The column raises all sorts of questions we never thought about, like should children of gay parents watch what they say in anticipation of the homophobia of others? Should children of gay parents assume that they are homosexual before they hit puberty, as pre-adolescent children of straight parents assume they are heterosexual? Can young kids learn tolerance on the playground, regardless of what they learn in the home?

And more importantly, can we get this kid’s number and learn some of his moves?

Because the last time we tried to pick up a seven year-old, it didn’t go that well at ALL.

An Existential Question.

If we weren't gay, would this have still brought our lives to a screeching halt?

It's Because There Isn't A Translation For "I'm Gay" In Arabic

We were excited to learn that only one gay man who spoke Arabic was kicked out of the army for violating “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” last year – of roughly a sixty that have been kicked out for being gay in the first dozen years since the policy was enacted by Bill Clinton. Every year the numbers are going down, we are delighted to report.

This is because we, like the Armed Forces and the Bush administration, are glass-is-half-full people.

We prefer to concentrate on the fact that, while scores of untranslated tapes and documents are piling up in defense warehouses, the military has made a conscious effort to protect national security and the lives of our soldiers abroad - by pretending that gay people don’t exist. Bravo!

Our glasses, you see, like those of the Armed Forces and the Bush Administration, are half full of bullshit.

We Remember The First Time We Came On To A Straight Friend, Too

This month, our favorite hot gay magazine Details brings together our favorite hot gay writer Benoit Denizet-Lewis and our favorite hot ___ actor Jake Gyllenhaal for an in-depth profile of the “Jarhead” star. We almost wet ourselves thinking about the writer and the actor strolling through Runyon Canyon in Los Angeles with Gyllenhaal's dog, getting all sweaty in the afternoon sun, taking a break in their tent, pulling closer to one another, and then Benoit reaches around – oh, wait, sorry. That’s Brokeback Mountain.

While this quote from Jake is likely to get the most attention:

"I approached the story believing that these are actually straight guys who fall in love," he says. "That's how I related to the material. These are two straight guys who develop this love, this bond. Love binds you, and you see these guys pulling and pulling and tugging and trying to figure out what they want, and what they will allow themselves to have."

…we were more intrigued by this part:

During the filming of Jarhead, Gyllenhaal and his costar Peter Sarsgaard, who happens to date Gyllenhaal's actress sister, Maggie, got into a bitter dispute over an incident neither will now discuss. But they eventually buried the hatchet and are good friends again. "He's completely into whatever he is doing in the present moment, and that draws people to him," says Sarsgaard. "But let me tell you, it can also be really annoying. Sometimes he's just too eager. Especially in the morning. We would be driving to the set, and he would be all revved up and play 'Candy Shop' five times in a row. I'm like, 'Can you please turn off that fucking song?'"

“An incident neither will now discuss”? The morning after which Gyllenhaal couldn’t sit still and Sarsgaard was grumpy in the car??

Praise Jesus!

Blogger isn't letting us post pictures again. We'll try to put up the cute shots of Jakeypoo later...

Love Lifts Us Up When He Be Hung...

Like everybody else, we like nothing better than an evangelical gay black man who preaches tolerance toward homosexuals in the church, publishes a book to that effect, then reneges and becomes straight again, pushing the counter logic upon the same audience who listened to him the first time. It’s kind of like Arianna Huffington with an onyx strap-on.

This is a little tricky to explain, but if you click the above link, it outlines how basically this dude K. Godfrey Easter was gay and Christian, and decided he wanted to let other people know it was okay to be both. So he wrote the book Love Lifted Me Because of the Church to spread the word. He even started the website LoveLiftedMeNetwork.com so people could share in his vision.

Then something happened. We imagine it was a Porn Nam involving Lloyd Banks and a pair of nipple clamps - but we're just hazarding a guess.

K. Godfrey did an about face. He wrote another book, called Love Lifted Me Because of the Church: Why One Can NOT Be Gay & Christian. He put a scrolling banner headline across his website that read “MAN – WAS I WRONG.” (Two snaps for that, by the way. He clearly hasn’t gone all straight.) He began preaching against homosexuality.

The moral of the story? He used to like to put things in the out chute. Nobody should have expected him to be consistent.

Now We're Afraid Of Doctors AND HIV/AIDS. That's Awkward.

We came across this upsetting article in Next, in which an unnamed doctor with no listed credentials puts the rate of HIV/AIDS among young gay men at a very high level.

“Based on the numbers I see in my practice, I would say 40 to 45 percent of gay men in lower Manhattan under 40 are HIV-positive,” quoth the unnamed doctor.

That’s quite a statement. Most official statistics put the number much lower. And based on anecdotal evidence, as gay men living in lower Manhattan, we also find this highly implausible. We’re frankly a little surprised that Next, whose job it is to decorate the altar of gay hedonism, would reduce itself to such scare tactics. We’re fans of AIDS/HIV education and prevention – but call us old fashioned, we want to know real facts to deal with real situations.

Next time stick to exaggerating penis size, folks. That’s a surprise everyone can appreciate.

When It Rains, It Whores.

We, like every other fag worth a dimebag in New York, were at the glorious clusterfuck that was the Out 100 awards on Friday night. We were joined by Rosario Dawson, Anthony Rapp, Richard Belzer, Melissa Ethridge, Kelli Carpenter, Marc Jacobs, Sophia Coppola (who is still wearing that garbage bag – someone should make her a new one), Former Gov. Jim McGreevey, and a host of other lesser luminaries like Dan Renzi, Jay McCarroll, and Perez Hilton.

First, we asked Anthony Rapp if everyone was getting too old and crusty to play young starving artists in Alphabet City.

“I think it only changes it in the sense that we have that much more life experience to bring to the performance,” he told us, executing a well-balanced cop-out. “The ages of the characters are never stated. The only age stated is Mimi’s. I think when I look at the film, I don’t know what age people will think we are. I think we look young.” Of course you do. We still tell people we’re 19. “If we were jowly balding, paunchy middle aged wrinkle people, then of course it would be weird.”

If? We’ve seen the ads with Adam Pascal…

Then, we cornered some Out insiders, who told us they knew of the coming PlanetOut.com takeover for about a month, but weren’t sure exactly what was happening. After that (and a couple of martinis), we introduced ourselves to Jim McGreevey, who had brought a date. He was attentive enough to us, though, that he neglected to release our hand after shaking it until he was walking away. Hot! Gross!

Sharon Stone gave an immensely cracked out speech that had been previously taped, Rosario Dawson looked pretty, and Marc Jacobs brought a hooker as a date! (See above picture, courtesy of Patrick McMullan. See also www.rentboy.com.) The pair even disappeared into the bathroom together and emerged looking refreshed. Cliche-tastic!

All and all it was a lovely time.

Eleven Angry Women. And One Sassy Gay.

In an upsetting twist of fate, we were picked for jury duty and will be serving on trial this week. We'll do our best to post in the afternoons after we finish our civic duty - but no promises. Something about the industrial yellow of the courthouse just murders our sense of humor.

On Friday we attended the Out 100 awards and met some lovely gays - expect a full report Monday evening. Rosario Dawson brought her mom, Athony Rapp brought his boyfriend, Jim McGreevey brought a new date, and Richard Belzer brought his dog.

And, as usual, we brought our drinking shoes.

You Really Can't Fight The Moonlight, Can You?

We're not saying there's anything gay about LeAnn Rimes' husband Dean Sheremet - we'll let him do that. But we heard from a friend at the Seventh On Sale HIV/AIDS benefit that Sheremet's behavior was a little bit, shall we say, fey.

Apparently, Sheremet was very attentive to Rimes - but also very attentive to the mancandy surrounding him. Quoth our bodacious boyspy: "I didn't get that he was hitting on me, but that kinda thing where you pass information to one another through a stare?"

No. As gay men who walk around New York City, we have no idea what you're talking about.

So we went on a fact finding mission. Sheremet has his own fansite, works out constantly, is an aspiring actor, and met LeAnn when he was her backup dancer.

And this, we find, to be the clincher:
He starred in an Old Navy ad with Megan Mullally.

We’re glad we didn’t have to spell it out for you. We’d hate to be one of those blogs that outs people.

But What Do You Use If You Only Come Down With A Case Of Homosexual Once Or Twice A Year?

This new prescription medicine made us giggle.

What's funny about the website is that it seems as though they've merely taken another drug's website (Like Propecia, say) and replaced every use of "baldness" with "homosexuality. An easy, cutting way of making a joke. Kind of like how David Spade and Chris Farley cut every use of "Tommy Boy" and inserted "Black Sheep" in their second film.

It reminds us of how we've always wanted to copy the Exodus website and replace every use of the word "homosexual" with the word "Jew," or maybe "black" or "poor person."

But we suspect they wouldn't see the point. As we learn time and time again, irony, like taste in sweaters, is something you lose when you stop being gay.

The Shirtless Cater-Waiters Hadn't Drank Water For Days, But Were Forced To Hand Out Cocktails.

While the Victoria Secret Fashion show took over downtown last night, we scooted uptown to the 5th Avenue Abercrombie & Fitch Flagship Store opening party to worship at the altar of abs.

The place is littered with paintings, sculptures, and photographs of shirtless men rowing frolicking, and gently intertouching. It's like an Eakins painting swallowed the whole store. And then some cock.

Somehow, they managed to scrounge up enough ironic slogan tees and distressed cable-knit river neck merino wool sweaters to occupy five floors. But for your buying convenience, everything was priced at $59.95.

We enjoyed the models handing out drinks (and Dewars shots), but what we really appreciated were the male-loving socialites who showed their faces at the event. Fabian Basabe, Luigi Tadini, and Eric Villency come to mind (though we will admit to our chagrin that we know at least Eric doesn't swing our way). Bruce Weber held court amid a gaggle of models he's taken advantage of, while Michael Musto lurked in a corner and complained about television shows he's never been on.

All in all, it was just like every other party we've ever attended.

Their Eyes Were Watching Cock

Though we are not single, we went onto GayHarmony.net hoping to see a new breed of gay out there. (And because we were pretty sure it was an SNL spoof. It wasn’t.) The site claims to bring together pious fags so they can get on their knees, open wide… and pray together. So we went and searched for guys we would find eligible – men living in NYC between the ages of 18 and 40 within 25 miles of our zip code.

Six matches turned up.

So we went over to J-Date to see how the Jews fared. 13 matches with the same criteria. Better, but still a poor showing, considering well over 1,000 matches pop up immediately on Godless Friendster with the same search.

This is interesting, because we happen to know plenty of Christian gays – and even more Jewish ones. But they all tend to be more open-minded, and prefer operating in the general dating miasma, rather than in tiny religious tidal pools.

We have no idea why this could be, but imagine it has something to do with payot and Christian rock.

I swear to G-d I got that picture on a Jesus website.

Mehlman Told Scooter, Who Told Dreier, Who Told Izzy, Who Told Harriet, Who Told Anderson, That Bush Uses Just For Men!

Much has been made of White House Snitch Scooter Libby's bodice-ripping novel - but did anybody else notice this hidden tidbit about his undergraduate habits in the Yale Daily News over the weekend?

Although Yale had just gone coed, classmates said Libby chose to spend most of his time with his male peers. While some of his male classmates said they remembered Libby as an excellent friend, their female counterparts did not claim to feel as close to Libby."He was really more in with the jocks … in that sort of guy thing," Sarah Birdsall '72 said.

Following behind the jocks...earning the nickname "Scooter"...ignoring women...writing bear porn...spreading catty gossip, and then lying about it...

This all seems to be leading somewhere, but we can't quite put our finger on it.

Thanks to our hot roommate for unearthing this.

Banner Headline: Minorities Have More Trouble Getting Cabs, Oscar Roles

In painfully recent history, the Wall Street Journal has been trying to appeal to hip twentysomething readers with a regular feature by thirtysomething writer Adelle Waldman. This week's service journalism topic? Why it's sometimes hard to be out in the workplace:

The problem there, says Kate Wendleton, president of The Five O'Clock Club, a career coaching firm in New York, is that your co-workers probably already suspect anyway, and by going to great lengths to hide your sexuality, you might actually be drawing more attention to it. Ms. Wendleton suggests that young people neither hide nor make an announcement about their sexuality, but strive to be as casual and blasé about it as a straight person -- mentioning in passing, for example, that you're going on a vacation with your partner, without making a big deal about it.

Next week in the WSJ: If You Brush Your Hair Forward A Little At The Temples And Then Spike It Up In The Front, Maybe No One Will Notice Your Receding Hairline.

We checked back to see some recent articles by Adelle "two-steps-behind-and-a-dollar-retarded" Waldman, and it was just as we expected. Highlights included:

The Risky Business of Office Romance
When a Small Town Beats the Big City
Grappling With Divorce
Ranking a Job by the 'Coolness Factor'

Hey Adele, Jenny 8. called. She wants her unholy soul back.

And also her Bedazzler. Those things are so the new Lite Brite!

This Got Us So Worked Up, We Had To Take A Bacardi Shower Just To Cool Off

Friendster.com has done it again.

First, they ripped the curtain away a month ago, exposing all of the stalking, checking up on ex-boyfriends, and surreptitious spying that was going on when they allowed members to see who had viewed their profiles. This, we thought, was an amazing move.

But then they allowed members to view profiles anonymously. Which took all of the fun out of that. Only a few bold devil-may-care users continued to remain known.

And now, this month - Friendster has put forth quandary worthy of the sphinx: Users can see who has viewed their profiles, only if they agree to be seen themselves.

What to do?

Should you see who is looking at you and never look at anyone else's profile? Should you bank on everyone choosing to remain anonymous and do so yourself? Should you go back and forth between anonymity and openness so that you can properly flirt in a surreptitiously coy way? If viewing openly is the equivalent of lingering eye contact, does this make Friendster useless?

If you were wondering at the beginning of this post what exactly was gay about it, I hope we've cleared that up for you.

Although He Does Look Bigger On Billboards

As with everything we say and do, we were successful in our mission to meet Tom Ford last night. And before 8 pm!

We were quick to ask him about his scorching hot photo shoot in W this month, and wondered whether he had to do some tequila shots before posing nude for photographer Steven Klein.
“He didn’t have to convince me,” he said, looking into our eyes. “I’m very comfortable nude.”

Then, of course, we promptly died.

Ford, who looked absolutely flawless (literally, we couldn't even see his scalp through his quarter-inch long hair), said he missed designing and was glad to come back to it.

“I felt a little bit neutered when I didn’t have something to work on,” he told us. “You know, it’s important for me to have a voice culturally.”

We agree on this important point. We don’t want to see him neutered either.

We Thought We Smelled Chest Hair

Our patron saint Tom Ford is coming to NYC and is expected to be painting the town red tomorrow night (well, lurking in a booth at Bungalow 8, but you know what we mean). We've always been sad that Ford is in a long term relationship with journalist Richard Buckley, because we, like all gay people, would very much like to see what's beneath that that open third button. But today we were slapped back to sense by a gay compadre.

"Silly Fagat," he cried, "monogamy is for poor people!"

We remembered that we have heard of orgiastic coke-fueled parties in hotel suites featuring His Royal Hairline - but we never believed it was true, not our Tom! How shaming!

Then again, he's never passed out on a hooker as he was slurping his way to the bottom of a K-hole, like some designers we could name...

We're going out to try and sneak into his hotel. We'll be the ones with the purse cam!

Satire Writer Concludes Gay Jokes Just Not As Creative As Jew Jokes

We noticed a disturbing article on the Onion recently:

Queer Eye Team Denounces Recent Wave Of Vigilante Homosexual Makeover Groups

This perturbed us. Though the article is full of witticisms, like this:

Though none of the unsolicited-gay-makeover incidents have resulted in fatalities, FBI Fashion Crimes agent Jason Broderick said the deep humiliation victims suffer makes many of them want to die.

..and this:

"Real homosexual makeover experts downplay pastels, consider arugula and sun-dried tomatoes passé, and would never encourage an overweight cubicle worker from Bowling Green, OH to wear an ascot."

..what's upsetting is that the Onion, normally refreshingly biting and relevant, is still laughing with Queer Eye.

We're Back, Crack Is Wack, And The South Has A Lot More Gay People Than We Thought.

Okay, okay, we're sorry. We realize we've been remiss in posting, but we were taking a much-needed vacation with our boyfriend south of the Mason-Dixon line. We relaxed, wandered through Spanish moss-laden streets, and caught up on some TV.

Translation: LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!

But now we're back, and just in time to catch this amazing update on The Smoking Gun. Even though we were in Savannah, we missed out on this one. Turns out that on Saturday night, college student Will Johnson got caught really caught up in his costume, that of the child-at-heart interspecies superhero Lion-O.

As vehicles approached he would jump in front of each car and begin numerous physical gyrations. When the vehicles would honk their horns, he would respond by yelling and cursing at the driver.

For the amount of times Lion-O has saved Third Earth from Mumm-Ra, you'd think they'd cut a cat a break. But here's our favorite part:

Eye contact was made from approx. 40 yards away. The suspect removed his orange Halloween wig and ducked into a crowded club.

Boy, if we had a nickel for every time we've pulled that move. The old "Rip Off The Wig And Run Into A Gay Bar After Making Lingering Eye Contact" trick is one of the oldest in the book. But instead of following Lion-O into the back room and experiencing a sandpapery full body licking, the officer arrested him.

Which, of course, made us wonder: If they make a movie of Thundercats, will Chad Michael Murray Play WileyKat?

Survivor's Jeff Probst Packing Heat, Wide Testicles

This is just what we needed on a hung over Friday. We just got back from checking out the WOW Report's naked pictures of Survivor host Jeff Probst, and boy are our arms tired.

Blogger isn't letting us upload pictures today, for some reason, but that's probably for the best. This isn't really safe for work.

Even Oprah Farts In Elevators

We just got the following email forwarded from our gay friend at the White House:

"I just came back from getting Lucky Charms in the cafeteria and I rode the elevator up with Scooter Libby and Harriet Miers - I must say it was tres awkward."

This reminds us of one of our favorite Simpson quotes, courtesy of Ralph Wiggum:

"Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!"

And Then I DVR'ed An Entire Season of NASCAR!

Our roommate pointed out a funny article in the New York Times today about how DVDs of the complete seasons of popular shows are changing the way we watch television. We can attest to this firsthand, as our boyfriend has already watched whole seasons of Entourage, Lost, Arrested Development, Will and Grace, and The Family Guy since moving to New York last month. We can barely keep up with Desperate Housewives, so we’re planning on spending 80% of our retired life watching complete season DVDs of all of the shows we are missing now.

The other 20%, of course, will be spent swallowing fistfuls of Viagra and being lecherous at clothing optional resorts in Key West. And pooping. We can’t wait!

Our favorite part of the article is here:

A 31-7ear-old lawyer once squeezed five full seasons of "Gilmore Girls" into two months, though he said his most impressive DVD marathon was when a snowstorm caused his office to close and he spent about 22 hours watching the entire first season of "Angel." Such devotion means that every now and then he must decline an invitation to happy hour. He has been known to turn off his cellphone and later claim that it died. His more creative excuses include informing callers that he and his roommate are engaged in a John Madden PlayStation tournament or that they cannot go out because they purchased an "Ultimate Fighting Championship" from pay-per-view. "You make up a reason," Mr. Rivera said, "because you can't say you're not going out on a Thursday night because 'I'm going to see how this 'Gilmore Girls' ends.' "

If the lawyer feels he can’t make a statement like that, perhaps he would feel more comfortable with: “I can’t share a beer with you guys tonight because my mouth will be too full of cock.”

We feel that this gets the message across more efficiently.

I Cut Down Trees, I Skip And Jump, I Like To Press Wildflowers

Maine is really an amazing state. And yes, we’re just saying that because that’s where we’re from.

But the Pine Tree State – the 12th smallest, third poorest, and number one whitest in the union – really is pretty unusual politically. Its two women Republican senators, Olympia Snow and Susan Collins, have a history of progressively voting away from party lines, and the state Green party is one of the country’s most powerful. And right now the state is facing an unusual referendum: whether to repeal anti-discrimination legislation that protects gays.

"Mainers are very tolerant people by and large," said Michael Hein of the Coalition for Marriage, a group opposing the law. "They fear not the persecution of certain groups, but being overburdened by legislation."

This, we think, is very true. In a state that has enough huge problems (poverty, the decline of the lumber industry, closed military bases, shitty ski conditions), Mainer’s don’t want to have to worry about another rule they might be breaking. But we’re very confident that the tolerance of a people will win out. After all, this is a state full of citizens who live in frigid conditions, without professional sports teams, on unfarmable land, and uncomfortably close to Quebec. Not being able to beat up gays is the least of their problems.

And besides, you think they invented the hypothermia drill in Hawaii?


(A hug and a kiss to whoever can identify who that is in the picture, and why it is relevant here)

We Only Molest The Boys Because We Need People To Grow Up And Be Priests, Duh.

A Christian group has sent a congratulations press release to Walgreen’s corporate headquarters after the company decided to be a sponsor of the Gay Games

In an editorial published on Christian news website Agape Press, AFA spokesman Randy Sharp says, “Historical precedent promises that homosexual encounters will take place by the thousands… Walgreens must be salivating at the prospect of the new customers this will create… Someone at Walgreens deserves a huge bonus for the idea to increase sales by helping drive events that result in the need for the company’s drugs.”

No word on whether this was the same group that wrote Hitler the famous 1943 “Thanks For Putting All Of The Jews Into Small Overheated Rooms – That Will Be Sure To Teach Them Tolerance" note.

Did You Know Women Play With Smaller Balls?

In a real show stopping move, WNBA player Sheryl Swoopes has come out of the closet. That makes her the most prominent (non-retired) athlete to ever come out, though sadly we doubt if many are surprised. Swoopes said she was “tired of having to hide my feelings about the person I care about.”

It’s interesting that she uses the same thought that so many of us used when waiting to come out to our family and friends - the whole “I’m waiting until I have someone I care about that I can show to my parents” logic. Also notable that like so many of the rest of us as we came out, she unconsciously falls into using a gender non-specific pronoun, probably because she’s so used to doing it.

We can’t wait for the part when, just like the rest of us, her girlfriend cheats on her with another woman and all of the carefully crafted understanding she’s built with her family crumbles in a mess of rage and confusion, leaving her parents and siblings with the same antiquated stereotypes about the gay lifestyle that they had before.

Okay, maybe that only happened to us. But still, wouldn’t a bitchin’ WNBA lesbo smackdown be awesome?

Thanks to dreamy Andy for finding this story. Call us!

Would You Like Some Hate With That Whine?

The blindness of some heterosexuals toward irony never ceases to stagger us.

In Austin, the Ku Klux Klan has decided to rally against a statewide gay marriage ammendment, upsetting opposition groups who want nothing to do with the controversial sect:

One such person is Pastor Ryan Rush of Bannockburn Baptist Church. Rush said that a group that would come in that is characterized as hateful and bigoted is not welcome in this city. He said he doesn't want the Klan as a partner on any cause.

Nothing? Not even a smirk? Not even a “Isn’t it funny that we’re actually pushing for the same kind of discrimination but we still think we’re different” chortle? We wonder, when the religious protesters are standing shoulder to shoulder with the Klan members, chanting the same slogans and holding the same signs, if THEN, the point will come across. Somehow we doubt it.

Ah… Human comedy. So funny we forgot to laugh.

This Is, After All, How Bush Got Elected

At last, an article in the New York Times that has it all: Gays! Politics! Cocaine! Canadians!

Wait, what?

Yes, it’s true. Canucks do drugs, and not just the ones that are cheaper than in the US. In fact, a potential leader of the Quebec separatist party admitted to doing cocaine AND being gay. And he’s handsome. And he went to Harvard! We’ve probably slept with him.

When André Boisclair’s cocaine use came to light, instead of torpedoing his campaign, it shot him ahead in the polls. We always knew the Quebecois were fruity ski bunnies, but this surprised even us.

But it does explain a lot about Celine Dion.

Nothing Like This Ever Happens At The Boy's Room

Now that Rush & Molloy has outed Adrian Grenier for hanging out at our favorite East Village gay bar Starlight, we’ll admit that we were there that night. It was two weeks ago on a Friday and he rolled in at about 11:30 with the other members of his “Honey Brothers” band. (Grenier's nickname in the band, by the way, is “Fluffer.” He explained recently in New York Magazine that he gained the nickname “because I keep the energy up.” Woah, cowboy).

The bar wasn’t that crowded and nobody seemed to notice the “Entourage” star, particularly the dyke bartender who carded him and then insisted upon keeping his license to keep the tab open. This further proves that lesbians have officially divorced themselves from popular culture, and should not be allowed out of Park Slope. Ever.

We chatted with Adrian and company, and learned they were there because one of the band members (not Adrian) is gay – and is bummed that more men don’t come out to their shows. So listen up, boys, this is a call to everyone. Go see the Honey Brothers!

Many drinks later, we decided it had been really a lovely experience, which we followed up by leaving without our credit card and ID, and going home to throw up on our wall.

Insecurity Loves Company

Teenage gays have fag hags, too, the Washington Post has discovered, and to get to the bottom of this they sent a polling expert to a suburban area in Virginia where 57% of teenagers have a gay or lesbian friend. The article interviews one such gay/girl couple, and stumbles upon some stunning insights:

"I was doing a community theater show," Andy recalls, "and at one of the early rehearsals a girl approached me and asked whether I was gay. I told her that, indeed, I was, and her response was something to the effect of, 'That's so cool. We should go shopping sometime.'"

The Washington Post. Eradicating stereotypes before they begin.

Gay Is The New Ironic

Today the Drudge Report linked to a story in the Palm Beach Post that made us snicker:

"Palm Beach County: 'More Jewish' Than N.Y."

Which reminded us of the headline we've always wanted to write:

"Matt Drudge: 'More Gayish' Than Gawker."

You Stay Classy, San Diego

Washington Blade Managing Editor Kevin Naff finally up and writes what no one has had the guts to write before: gay celebrities should come out. This is a landmark essay, we think, specifically because we know how many celebrities read the Washington Blade.

But that's not all. Naff plows his way into more uncharted territory - naming ACTUAL celebs who MIGHT be gay. Jodie Foster! Sean Hayes! David Dreier! ANDERSON COOPER, PEOPLE! Call mom!

Our favorite part of the article, which should have come in the first paragraph, details a night Naff spent with Fox News anchor Shep Smith:

Smith once chatted me up in a New York City gay piano bar, bought me drinks, and invited me back to his place. When I declined, he asked me to dinner the next night, another invitation I politely refused. We sat at the bar chatting and drinking martinis until 3 a.m., our conversation interrupted only when he paused to belt out the lyrics to whatever showtune was being performed.

Three sentences of pure poetry. We're not saying we know anything, but if any twink wants to politely accept an invitation back to a famous anchor's place, he might want to start politely hanging out at Siberia in the wee hours.

We're just sayin'...

No, I'm No One's Wife - But, Oh, I Love My Life

We've always been interested in queer characters in movies. Whenever Rupert Everett, Sean Hayes, or Kevin Kline comes onto the screen, not only do stereotypes inevitably emerge about gay people, but stereotypes about straight people also pop up. For every musical theater-loving neatnik roommate, there is a beer guzzling, rowdy, messy big brother counterpart.

So naturally we're excited for Catherine Zeta-Jones' new project. The "Chicago" star is working on a film about a gay man who has to come home and take over as coach for his dead father's rugby team.

"He's doing WEST SIDE STORY and has to go back home and get all these fat, drinking, smoking Welsh guys into shape to win the rugby tournament," says Zeta-Jones.

Which is all very well and good. Seeing as the last movie she made with a big bunch of queers won her an Oscar, perhaps this will up her cred.

Certainly, at least, this puts her one step further along in her seemingly determined quest to never be as good as Nicole Kidman.

Gay On Gay On Gay

We only have a minute, so we thought we'd round up this week's best moments in gay meta:

Val Kilmer says it was okay to play gay in "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang": “The movie is so well written. It takes us and the audience to so many places that I thought it would be a great ride.”

Oprah Winfrey feigned interest in gay bars: "This may be me being ignorant, but don't gay people go to gay bars?"

Queen Latifah pretended to like girls at Scores: "She treated me like a friend," said a "buxom, red-headed dancer named Logan."

Thanks guys, once again, for keeping it real.

Living In A Rayon-Blend World

Because we are huge fags Madonna fans, we went out and got confirmation from Her Madgesty's camp that she will indeed be appearing at Roxy in New York on Saturday night - and a few other clubs. She will not be performing, rather, she will be introducing her new tracks with to the city's DJ's.

If I were her I'd watch out. Those trannies are gonna want their clothes back. And those bitches use nails...